“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”
We’ve been told that alcohol can be lethal when taken in large enough doses. We know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with us. As everyone who has purchased a breathalyzer from Sharper Image for parties and making sad, sad nights by yourself more justifiable by saying you’re “doing research” can attest, when you get to a BAC of about .2, you’re going to stop remembering things. Knowing that, it makes slightly more sense that Wikipedia would list the side effects of a “>0.50 BAC” as “death.”
But this is America, goddamn it. You know there have to be supermen (and women! Don’t forget those ladies!) who can survive alcohol levels that can kill a rhino. And while the staff of AFFotD has never made the news for being busted with a lethal BAC, many Americans have, and we’re here to salute them. Sort of. Well, we’re going to salute them in the same way you salute someone trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Because, damn you guys, when we think you drank too much, you know you’re in trouble.
Eight of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time
When we went out looking for the highest BACs ever recorded on public record, we were saddened to find out that a man in Poland held that particular distinction. Then we were a little awe-struck when we found out he set that record by beer-bonging grain alcohol that he had stolen from his workplace…which was a chemical plant. Then we found out that his BAC was 1.48, and our brains stopped working. Think about that. His blood was 1.48% alcohol. If you can get a vampire drunk, that’s just not a feat that the human body is supposed to pull off. When the doctors tried to figure out his blood type, they just shrugged and put down “wine cooler.”
And while that man died of injuries he incurred in a car accident (which just proves the old adage of “if you drive with a 1.48 BAC you will die in a car accident”) and three of the five recorded instances of BAC’s passing the 1.0 barrier occurred in Poland of all places, Americans everywhere have done their best to make doctors look at BAC test results and say “…No, that can’t be right” for years. And now, in descending order, here is our list of the eight (and a half) most American Americans who pretended to be Polish for a night.
Honorable Mention: Imagine Being The Cop Who Had To Give This Baby A Breathalyzer Test (BAC of .2)
In March of 2012, Demarian Crow decided to start his fraternity hazing about 17 years early when he was admitted to the hospital with a blood alcohol level higher than .2. The one-year-old child had been given vodka by his mother’s boyfriend, who is awesomely named Ronchekal Demune Yon. According to Yon, he had alcohol in a cup and the child reached for it and drank it without him realizing, sending a text message to his (soon to be ex?) girlfriend saying “I messed up n didn’t pay attention wen he grabbed my cup.” A separate witness said that Yon was drunk and handed his cup to the kid, which seems credible as drunks often operate by the laws of osmosis and are only at peace when their surroundings are at an equal level of drunkenness.
While some people would be shocked and appalled to hear about this story, we just used it as an excuse to google how much booze a baby would have to drink to get as drunk as little Demarian Crow did. Turns out, babies are fucking lightweights, if this free online Blood Alcohol Calculator is to be believed.
That’s right, it would take just one shot for an average sized one year old child to get drunk. To make matters worse, apparently according to “the law,” your drunk baby shouldn’t be driving either. So your baby can’t even be your designated driver? Ugh, why did we even have a baby in the first place? (Oh right, it’s because sex feels better with a condom and the hormones in the pill make the missus pretty bitchy.)
8: If You Lived In Indiana, You’d Drink Too (BAC of .552)
28-year old James Henderson doesn’t want you to call him a hero. He puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like anyone else. Only after he puts on his pants, he goes out and gets so drunk that his doctors mistake his test results as a copy of John Bonham’s autopsy report. And he does this all while the sun is still up.
Henderson was found on the side of the road at 3:15 in the afternoon, which seems like the best place to be when you’re drunk enough that to summon John Daly during a séance. Police reported that he had several bruises, and when he was wakened during treatment he made a “barely coherent statement” about getting hit by a car. We can only assume that the “car” is some code word for “a handle of tequila.” He eventually was charged with public intoxication, because Northwest Indiana only feels joy when they’re stopping anything fun from happening.
(And to cement his legacy, he once again got arrested for having a nearly .3 BAC at 7AM this past March 25th. Because, again, it’s Indiana.)
7: Note To Selves- When Meeting This Girl, Use The Pickup Line Of “Hey, You’re Much Hotter Than You’d Expect Someone Who Can Get A BAC Of .55 To Be” (BAC of .55)
We know, right? Surprisingly hot for a chick who can make a Breathalyzer go “Jesus Christ, just stop.” Meagan Harper was 30 years old and weighed only 130 pounds before she got busted for a DUI. Seriously, how long did it take for her to sober up enough to take this picture? And she looks remarkably pain free for someone who just drank enough that her nightmares would have hangovers. If she was drinking with a group of friends, we’d have to assume that they’d end up getting picked off one by one in strange, elaborately set up accidents while an ominous guy goes, “I’ve seen this before. You weren’t supposed to survive that night. This is death, evening the score.” Man, we would totally see that movie.
6: The Lone Boozy Samurai (BAC of .559)
Police were called to a house on the 2900 block of Turbot Drive in Madison, Wisconsin at 6:30 PM on a typical Friday. A man had been found lying on the ground just outside a house there. This man had no name, no identification, and no idea what the word “sobriety” means because when you’re found with a BAC of .559, you pretty much can’t comprehend words that have more than half a syllable. This wandering drunk, no doubt a distant descendent of a lonely samurai, demanded to leave the hospital, and was released against doctor’s advice. No one knows the life story of wandering nomad, so we at AFFotD have exhaustively made one up.
His name was John Beer. His mother was famous for sitting on a dunk tank that was filled with beer at state fairs, and it was during one of these events that she gave birth to a healthy baby boy, who plopped into the beer and amazed onlookers by starting to chug. He got drunker than he expected, because as we’ve established, babies are fucking lightweights, and thus began training his body to withstand great amounts of alcohol. Practicing in the Shaolin Bing Drinking tradition, he chose a lonely and un-sober life, wandering from town to town, drinking and slurring something about Obama’s birth certificate to whoever tried to interfere with his sacred drinking. Only when he surpasses .500 does he allow himself to rest, lying down in front of random homes and mumbling something about vaccinations causing Autism.
5: Ha, Look At This Dude (Oh, Right, Really High BAC And Everything, That Too) (BAC of .69…heh)
Ha ha, look at this dude. This dude’s hilarious. Willard Ashley III was just 32 (but a rough 32) when he nabbed for public intoxication in LaPorte County, Indiana after blowing .69 (heh, had to). We will give him credit for the fact that he was still awake, and sober enough to know his own name. As far as his actual BAC, we’re going to assume that when they first had him breath into the breathalyzer, they got a BAC of like .701, and they just waited for 15 minutes for it to lower down to .69. We really hope that’s what the arresting officer did, because if he did that he would instantly become our favorite police officer.
Apparently Indiana just drives some people to drink.
4: There’s “Drunk” And Then There’s “Pass Out After Stealing A Delivery Truck” Drunk (BAC of .708)
Marguerite Engle of Sturgis, South Dakota, loved two things. Stealing delivery trucks, and drinking enough to kill two full grown adults. It’s very possible that her infatuation with former might have been fueled by the latter. She was found on the highway passed out behind the wheel of a delivery truck that had been reported as stolen in Rapid City, which means that Marguerite Engel is better at car theft drunk than you are sober. She submitted to a breathalyzer test, which came back with “Ha ha, that’s very funny, who’s been messing with this thing?” The .708 BAC reading set the record for highest blood-alcohol level in state history, and it wasn’t even close (the previous record was .56).
Apparently if you steal a truck and go for a joyride with a BAC that’s nine times the legal limit, it’s pretty easy to make bond, since she was then later found wasted in a different stolen car, because she’s not just content be a drunken kleptomaniac, she wants to be the Queen of the drunken kleptomaniacs. We bow down to you while checking for our car keys, your majesty.
3: And The Winner Of Drunkest Driver Goes To… (BAC of .72)
Terri Comer is more than a woman with a last name you probably giggled at (heh, Comer). She is also better at drunk driving than you are at anything. Terri Comer is to drunk driving what Hulk Hogan is to Hulking up. Her car was found running and in a snow bank at 11:30 in the morning, and she appeared comatose. By the time she was rushed to the hospital, her blood test showed her BAC to be .72, which in the medical field is often referred to as, “Huh…buh..wait…how?”
Her car was found just fifty feet away from a portable traffic sign telling motorists not to drink and drive, because sometimes the Universe goes out of its to make things awesome. The mug shot above is from a previous DUI, where Comer (heh) blew a .3 BAC. We don’t know what Terri Comer’s liver did to so warrant such prolonged and horrific revenge being taken out on it, but it’s time to let it go Comer! It was just a stick up gone wrong, it wasn’t supposed to go down that way, and no matter how much you try to get even, nothing’s going to bring little Timmy back!
2: Someone Understands What “College” Means (BAC of .90)
Eric Kelly was an undergraduate student at Lock Haven in Pennsylvania when he got nabbed for public intoxication. At the hospital, the test came back as a .90, to which we’d imagine Kelly slurred, “Damn, so close. So close.” He drank so much he likely saw the face of the grim reaper, but if you asked him to describe it to you he’d just say, “I don’t know, just sorta…blurry?” We know we’re making some big assumptions here, but we’re pretty sure that when he graduated he moved to Boston, and that’s the only reason why it’s illegal to have an open bar in the state of Massachusetts.
1: Who Are You, Fair Drunken Temptress? (BAC of 1.33)
It was love at first sight. We were here, writing about alcohol, food, and hating foreigners. You were just a whispered thought, a dream from one night in 1982. “What’s the highest BAC that’s ever been recorded in America?” we asked. “A Serum Alcohol Concentration of 1510 mg/dL, which corresponds to a BAC of 1.33,” you whispered seductively in retort.
You were 24, roaring through Los Angeles taking, presumably, all of the cocaine, and stumbling into the UCLA Emergency Room. You were alert and oriented to person and place, since…wait holy shit, you were alert and oriented to person and place? Rocking a 1.33 BAC? If a recovering alcoholic bit you, he’d technically be off the wagon. But anyway, where were we? Ah yes. You were so young. Everyone else on this list had rich, full lives devoted to the art of drinking too much, and you crushed them all. You had enough liquor to give an elephant a hangover, and there you are, at the hospital, without a care in the world. Your beauty radiates from the vodka seeping out of your pores. We had been hurt so many times, we had kept ourselves guarded, but then you came along.
Sweet, mysterious vixen, find us and love us the way we love you. It’s a love that is pure, unconditioned, and stronger than anything on this Earth. You know, like whatever the fuck you were drinking to get that drunk in the first place, because DAMN girl. Damn.