“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”
~Initial Statement Made By An AFFotD Staffer to His Arresting Officer
Most of us will go through our lives without having to feel the cold steel of handcuffs on our wrists outside of sexually adventurous situations. The rest of us, disproportionately made up of our nation’s finer drinkers, have felt that feeling because we’ve been arrested. Deserved or not, any time you’re arrested it’s fair to say it’s not one of your better days. However, most of us in that situation do either one of two things—the calm and rational of us just shut up and wait till they can get legal representation to sort that shit out, and the more hot headed of us lose their shit and make things worse. However, there is a third category.
Some of us, when we meet an arresting officer, say something idiotic, yet hilarious. This is about those Americans.
Dumb and Funny Initial Statements Made To An Arresting Officer
When we asked a former police officer what the best thing a person could say to them while being arrested, the response was, “Nothing. I don’t think there’s anything a person could say that would make the situation better.” If you find yourself in that situation for, say, running an illegal moonshining operation, we’d recommend you go that route. Either way, you’re probably hurting your case if you say any of the following statements.
“Just take me the jail, bro.”
On May 10th, 2017 in Palm Beach, Florida, a man was doing what most people like to spend their time in Florida doing—something fucking crazy and stupid. Well, actually, not in this case. No, in this instance he was drinking, which wasn’t a good mix with his medication. On his own, that’s fine, what we like to call a “Tuesday Night” around here. But he also hopped into a car, where he committed an unspecified traffic violation that got him pulled over. Noticing bloodshot eyes and slurred speech, he was asked how much he had to drink. His response of “not much” which probably reeked of whiskey and manatee liquor (we assume they’ve found a way to distill manatees down there) wasn’t enough to deter the administration of a sobriety field test, which he failed.
His response to being informed he would be charged for a DUI? “Just take me to jail, bro.” Honestly, this is a very normal, if kind of directly blunt and dumb, thing to say to an arresting officer. But for us, the bro kicks it. We can only hope that the cop who put him in cuffs said, “I’m not your bro, buddy” in response.
“I am the law!”
Listen, man, we’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s 11AM on a Monday, you’ve smoked up some amphetamines, drawn spider webs all over your body, and covered your face with ink. You’re just minding your business, running in and out of traffic, and some damn coppers gotta go in and ruin the fun. Rude. Now, when they ask you who you are, you might say “I’m Joseph Augustini, a 25 year old man who made some questionable decisions today,” or you can channel your inner Judge Dredd and shout, “I AM THE LAW.”
Guess which one the man tweaking on speed would say. Go on, guess.
“Let me go, I want the baby!”
Most drunk people respond to the sight of baby with a combination of “oh that’s so cute” and “oh shit do not let me hold it I do not trust myself right now with coordinated tasks.” While it’s not the best way, it’s apparently much better than what people tweaking out do when they see a baby, as seen by this pretty freaky Brooklyn subway encounter that took place on April 11, 2017. That day, at around 11PM, a 30-year-old man named Rafael Martinez, who apparently had been living it up a bit too much earlier in the night, started some small talk with the 22-year-old mother of a four-month-old baby. It was pretty innocuous…until Martinez tried to grab the baby and steal it.
Stealing babies is definitely a thing that we don’t want to make fun of. But considering nothing happened, the fact that when he was arrested he was shouting, “Let me go, I want that baby” strikes us as darkly funny. But that might be because we’re hearing it in Fat Bastard’s voice from Austin Powers.
“Sir, I’m not going to lie. I sell dope.”
If you’re the kind of person who finds themselves pulled over while riding dirty, you don’t have a lot of options. You can try to act as normally as possible and hope, just hope, that the police won’t find reason to search your car (or hope they don’t have a K-9 unit). You can just, full on Supertroopers that shit. Or you can hope that the police don’t notice as you try to dump the drugs (they will notice). Kenneth Harrison took that third approach and handled it in about the worst way possible. First, he dumped the drugs. Then, the cops noticed said drugs, so he ran the fuck away. When he finally was chased down (with “resisting arrest” added as a potential charge) he tried to be respectful, and instead was just self-incriminating.
“Sir, I’m not going to lie; I sell dope,” he told officers, who probably would have just busted him for a possession charge if he had stayed put and shut up. This is 101 on what not to say when being arrested, though it gets points for its almost adorably blunt honesty.
Speaking of blunt honesty, here’s probably our favorite statement yet.
“Of course I have cocaine up my nose. It’s Aspen!”
Eliphalet Miller Ford IV, 34, was at a public bench at 2AM in 2015 with a young 24-year-old woman. If you’re thinking about a 34-year-old man out at 2AM in Aspen with a woman ten years his junior, you probably might think, “He’s doing cocaine with that girl.” Sure enough, he was—he was literally caught white-handed, with a $10 bill rolled-up in his hands, a line of coke on the bench, and a few powdery credit cards for good mention. He also had a bit of powder on his nose.
So when cops asked him if the powder on his nose was cocaine, he (presumably while just feeling REALLY JACKED UP) responded by saying, “Of course I have cocaine up my nose. It’s Aspen!” Which is just, you know, A+ in our book. An all time line. We’re not even mad at Eliphalet IV, stupid name and all. He truly found the dumbest, funniest thing to say to a cop. He also had to pay $2,500 in bail. But still, great line!