“Guys, why are you making me do real news? We’ve NEVER even come CLOSE to writing real news. Oh Jesus Christ, this is going to be so long isn’t it?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt.
Listen, we’re not happy about this article either.
This is not going to be worth the effort it takes to compile and, despite the fact that we’re going to try to fill this article with a combination of dumb dick jokes and meticulously compiled data, presented without too much overt bias, this will somehow piss off people, because apparently showing and discussing boring, dispassionate charts is considered “political” by about 25% of you fucking morons.
We are just looking at when states started opening up their economy, and we’re comparing that to how, as of the publication of this article, their infection rates of COVID-19 are trending. That’s it.
We’re not saying that, if a state suddenly has a spike that looks like you’d need a fucking ladder to climb it, the state in question will forever suck at reopening their state. We’re not saying that states that held off on reopening are going to magically be in better shape than anywhere else.
Listen. If you’re reading this article at any point more than a few days from its publication, it could be oddly prophetic, or it could be a receipt left on the internet of how we misinterpreted how these trends would look in the long term.
That’s fine! This is literally a time capsule for this day, and however the data plays out after this point, it’s not at all tied to our ego. We wrote this over the course of like five days, and even in that short period of time some states saw HUGE changes from what we initially were seeing.
We had to go back and update all our charts, because while some were still accurate, some had some AGGRESSIVE CHANGES! If you’re reading this in September, we acknowledge that this article is going to seem quaint in its assumption that things are hunky-dory at some places they are not. We’re not happy that we spent about 20 hours writing this either.
And listen, if this article is proven to be stupid in a week, and states that we chastised for rushing into things ended up trending downward, cool! We’ll be glad to be wrong! We write stupid articles all the time. Like, that’s kind of our thing.
Anyway, all that we’re saying is, if you get mad reading our analysis here, maybe fuck off a lot. No, seriously. Shut it. Nope. Just. Shh. Shut up. Chill out.
And for the rest of you, you may often find yourself wondering this one question. And as of early-to-mid- June of 2020, this article will be your answer to—
Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID
We’ve all spent the last three months figuring out how to handle our own disrupted lives. Many have lost their jobs, and everyone has gotten sick as fuck of hearing the same thing from every commercial or email.
Actually, before we get started, let’s post a list of terms we never want to hear the fuck again after this year.
- “The new normal”
- “In these trying times”
- “Now, more than ever”
- “We’re committed to…”
- “To our essential workers…”
- “Safer at home”
- “Unprecedented”
- “Flatten the Curve”
- “Thank you”
Anyway, take all those phrases and chuck them into a fire.
All of that is to say, this is not the kind of article we’d normally write.
But now, we’re going to go through every state in these fine United States, and we’ll discuss how “open” they are, and see how they’re doing with this whole COVID thing. All the props to Sarahindie who handled the lion’s share of research for this post. Sign up for her newsletter, it’s much better than this site.
So we go. All reopening dates are to our best of our knowledge based on our research, and if we’re off on some of the details, you can either leave a polite comment and we’ll immediately make appropriate edits, or you can leave an angry comment and we’ll tell you to fuck off.
Alabama
To our more right-wing constituents, here’s a trigger warning—we’re pulling our maps from New York Times, and if this is too political for you, again, you need to not talk to us because you sound like you suck. This is universal data, these charts are just easier for us to tinker with and post here.
For each state, we’ll list the date that shelter-in-place was issued (if it was) (some states didn’t do that) (what the fuck, right?) and we’ll list the dates and details of each opening we could find. All of these will be marked by blue lines on our charts (the first line is the shelter-in-place order, if applicable, and each or the later ones are openings).
We’re all on the same page? Cool, here we go.
Shelter-in-Place Date
First Phase of Reopening
May 11th.
Phase 1 reopening allowed for gyms and salons to operate at limited capacity, as well as bars and restaurants maintaining rules such as social distancing and limited size of parties. On 5/11 there were 275 cases of COVID reported. Two weeks later, on 5/25 there were 508 cases.
Originally, this was supposed to happen on April 30th, but it got pushed back since they kept not meeting the White House’s guidelines. They neared 680 cases on May 20th, which were the most cases to date when we started writing this article (that is now longer the case), but decided that they only needed 11 days between the first phase of reopening and the second.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
Phase 2 opened up entertainment, child care, camps, and retail at 50% capacity. Social distancing of course was still encouraged. These rules will remain in place until at least July 3rd, which is the earliest the next phase can occur.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Preceding With Caution. Fair warning, almost all of these plan names suck.
Have They Fucked Up?
When we started writing of this article, they were listed as trending downward, and it appeared that they peaked at around June 1st. However, June 3rd had only 80 positives, possibly due to a lack of testing during social unrest, while June 5th, two weeks after the second wave of reopenings, saw 650 cases. And June 11th saw 856 cases, by far the most to date.
We had previously done charts for about half of the states, so at the time Alabama looked pretty good.
Let’s compare that with.
We originally said “the next two weeks will determine how Alabama fared in this whole thing, probably.” But since this article took forever to write, because holy shit why did we undertake this project, we can now say, fairly confidently, that yeah, it’s starting to look like Alabama fucked this up.
Alaska
Alaska is the largest state in the nation, with the third smallest population (shout out to Vermont and Wyoming). So it’s never had more than 28 cases announced in a day. Or rather, it had when we started this. They had 34 cases on the 13th. Most states will not look like Alaska.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 28th.
They were more proactive than some states (such as, for example, Alabama) by shutting things down toward the end of March. As you can see, they did so at about where they had their first (admittedly small) peak.
First Phase of Reopening
April 24th.
Phase one allowed for 25% capacity at retail, restaurants, childcare, hotels, and camping. Gyms were also opened at 25% capacity, with reservations only.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 8th.
This bumped things up to 50% capacity on retail, salon, restaurants, and…pools? Really? Y’all that desperate to ogle bored lifeguards?
It also allowed 25% capacity for bars, libraries and museums. Who’s the nerd who was like, “Man, shelter in place sucks, I can’t wait to get my museum on.”
Final Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
In the words of SarahIndie—”Alaska is back, baybee!” Anchorage’s mayor called the stay at home order (Which was extended more than the state) as a “hunker down” order, which is the most Alaska sounding thing.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Reopen Alaska Responsibly. Sigh.
Have They Fucked Up?
We’re thinking no, though the optics aren’t ideal.
Nine days after lifting all restrictions, they set a new apex in new cases. Admittedly, that number is a not-super-scary 28, and we suspect (without doing the research) that their hospitals aren’t exactly getting stretched thin.
The day before they reopened the state fully, Alaska had zero cases. It’s not great to see that chart jump back up afterwards, even if you’re only dealing with 15-20 cases a day. Hopefully the spike peters out after today. But as you can, they just now set a new record for cases. We’ll see.
Arizona
Holy shit, look how close those reopening dates are. And…just, Jesus Arizona, this chart sucks.
And listen, we’re not gonna do this for every state but we’ll just stick this here. When we started writing this, things looked bad, and it’s only worse now. Compare the above photo with just four days ago.
Yeah shit’s getting worse.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 31st.
First Phase of Reopening
May 8th.
On May 8, salons and barbershops opened up. Keep in mind, you won’t be able to get your hair cut in Michigan until June 15th (so, today).
Second Phase of Reopening
May 11th.
Yup, just three days later, restaurants opened up dine-in service.
Third Phase of Reopening
May 13th.
Gyms and pools. What’s it with y’all and your pools?
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Stay Healthy, Return Smarter, Return Stronger.” Hire a naming agency, states, goddamn it.
Have They Fucked Up?
Yes. Holy shit yes. SarahIndie has a friend that just bought a house in Arizona, and is worried for her.
We started writing this post 15 hours after this article came out with the state reactivating hospital emergency plans. Arizona residents have been able to dine-in at restaurants as of May 11th, when they saw 261 cases. Two weeks later, on May 25th, they were at… 222 cases.
There are never any easy narratives, and we’d never manipulate data to make a narrative easier. So, on one hand, the quick turnaround on these reopening phases didn’t present any sharp rises two weeks later…but…since the 25th (and 26th, which also saw 222 diagnoses) there has never been a day with fewer cases.
By June 5th, the daily cases were up to 1,500. An increase in testing might explain the surge in cases, but Arizona is currently a state that is, sadly, looking like they tried to do too much too fast. They’ve had over 1,500 cases the last three days. And honestly, if we wanted to really lean into the “they fucked up” we’d wait for tomorrow’s numbers to be released, but we’re bored so we’re posting today. Either way it doesn’t look great.
They currently specify that, to “Stay smarter”, bingo players should be using their own stamps. We might have lost Arizona, folks.
Arkansas
When we started this Arkansas had “only” seen 10,000 cases. That number has gone up 20% over the course of only 5 days. It’s a relatively rural state with a population of just three million, so it’s largely been spared the drastic COVID numbers of states with more urban centers.
But that chart doesn’t look great.
Also, is our staff the only people that pronounce it right in real life but in their head as they type the state’s name go with “ar-kansas”?
Shelter-in-Place Date
Haha holy shit they never had one??
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th through the 18th.
Arkansas has been all over the fucking place. They basically spent like two weeks opening stuff up, category by category (with 12 foot distancing, and temperature screenings).
So we’re talking gyms, restaurants, salons, and indoor venues with a 50 person maximum capacity. As of May 11th, restaurants are allowed to operate at 33% capacity, with no parties larger than 10.
(By the way, to any parties of 11 looking for reservations anywhere in America during this whole pandemic, y’all are the WORST.)
Second Phase of Reopening
June 15th.
Arkansas has moved to 2/3 capacity, and groups up to 50 will be allowed. We had to check to see if the recent surge of cases would lead to a delay of that reopening, but it seems, naw, that’s not happening.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
No, they didn’t bother shutting everything down officially, why the hell do you think they’d bother trying to come up with some lame mealymouthed name for their recovery program? We can make one up though—”Arkansas: Fuck it, It’ll Be 2021 Eventually.”
Have They Fucked Up?
That’s the question, isn’t it? The numbers are going up, and the whole “never closing” thing doesn’t look great. On May 9th they saw zero cases. On May 20th they saw 80 cases. May 21st had 455, which currently remains their, um, high score. Or it did when we first wrote this. They had731 on June 12th. And 548 on June 13th. And 448 on June 11th. Mid June is not great for this state.
Us on June 10th: “The numbers are climbing, but if it stabilizes within the next week or so, Arkansas can claim they managed to find the best way to deal with this thing. If they keep climbing it’s a fuck up.”
Us on June 14th: “This is not looking good.”
California
California is America’s largest state, and it was also one of the first states to LOCK THINGS DOWN. Considering that, the fact that their numbers are still rising makes for great shouted internet arguments from people who want to LIBERATE AMERICA and those who are like CAPITALISM IS A DEATH CULT.
It’s tricky. They’ve been the most strict, but cases are still going up. But it’s also the most populous state in America, with 12 million more people than Texas (who has about 60K fewer cases) and about twice the population of New York (who has more than 2X the COVID cases).
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 19th.
California had closed bars and clubs before their shelter-in-place, being one of the earlier states to take drastic measures against COVID.
First Phase of Reopening
May 8th.
California, being huge, is opening on a county-by-county basis. But some areas as of May 8th have opened retail, manufacturing, offices, outdoor museums and childcare.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 25th.
Not all counties are opening at the same rate, but as of the 25th of May, places of worship have opened, up to 100 people, or 25% of capacity, with more retail businesses allowed to open.
Though on June 12th some parts of California opened up bars and restaurants with restrictions. Despite the upward trend of cases.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Resilience Roadmap. We’re rolling our eyes so fucking hard.
Have They Fucked Up?
Ugh, who knows. Everyone who wants to have a strong opinion on how this pandemic has been handled will look at California and see what they want to see. If you feel that the government has gone TOO FAR in trying to suppress this “dang virus” and want to ignore a lot of other trends you’ll see in this article, you’ll say that California has crippled its economy and hasn’t managed to stop the virus from growing, so they would have been better off without the restrictions.
If you feel strongly against the “LIBERATE” movement, and think it’s an irresponsible ploy to put human lives at risk for the sake of temporary economic activity, then you’re thinking, “If the numbers are this high with everything shut down, imagine how much worse it could be if they kept everything open.”
The chart says, yes they’ve fucked up. They’re reopening high-risk businesses while still seeing their highest rates. But they also rank 35th in the nation (as of today, that number will probably go up) in terms of cases-per-capita, better than states like New Hampshire and New Mexico by that particular metric.
Honestly no matter how this turns out, the answer will be either “yes” or “no” based on what the person asking the question will want the answer to be.
Colorado
Colorado’s plan is called”Safer at Home” had three main phases. Phase one was called “Stay at Home,” phase two was “Safer at Home” and phase three, which they are on currently is, and seriously who okayed the copy on this, “Safer at Home and in the Vast, Great Outdoors.”
Christ Colorado, let’s dial that back about 20% okay?
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 27th.
They closed public parks on the 19th, and announced on the 26th a month-long shelter-in-place order that only allowed you to leave for exercise, groceries, and essential services.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st-4th
The Shelter-in-Place order ended on April 27th, but on may first the state shifted into their Phase Two by opening retail businesses on May 1st, and opening non-essential offices on the 4th.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 27th
Phase Three, which if we recall correctly was called “Safer at Home and Everyone Outside Aren’t We so Great We Love Fucking Hiking and Shit We’re Colorado,” opened up spring skiing (which is a thing apparently?), private campsites, day camps, and restaurants up to 50% capacity (or 50 people, whichever number is lower).
Keep in mind, states such as New York and Illinois are nowhere near opening up restaurants to that extent. Bars remain close, though, because what the fuck, Colorado?
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
There’s no official name, they just have the three stages of “Stay at Home”, “Safer at Home” and “Safer at Home I Believe Henry David Thoreau Recognized the Majesty of the Fair State of Colorado, With It’s Many Mountains and Lovely Hiking Trails, Jesus Fuck How Did We Turn Our COVID-19 Plan Into a Bad Colorado Ad.”
Have They Fucked Up?
So far so good.
In fact, since we started writing this post, they’re the first state we’ve discussed that has continue to see rate decrease (though the last two days saw mild increases that are are still far fewer than what the state saw two weeks prior.)
There was a bit of a jump in cases immediately after they moved into Phase Three, but it’s been about two weeks and so far there’s been no big jump from the latest reopening. If the numbers continue to hold stead or decrease at the current rate, it’s safe to say that Colorado will have come out of this situation in a better position than a lot of states.
Connecticut
Hi. We’re going to talk about Connecticut.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 23rd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 20th.
Connecticut had one of the longer shelter-in-place enforcements in the nation. Stores remained closed for over two full months, even with a day in early May reporting zero cases.
The first phase allowed retail spaces to open at 50% capacity with social distancing, and allowed for outdoor dining. On June 1st, haircuts were also allowed.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 20th. (since delayed)
Connecticut was planning on reopening about 95% of its economy one month after the first phase of reopening, but they are pausing that to see if current protests will lead to a spike or not.
[UPDATE: Apparently they opened up on the 17th, because it looks like the protests didn’t lead to a spike. Thanks to katefriis1660 for the heads up]
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
We’re not sure. The closest we could find was Connecticut COVID-19 Response: Get Answers. Get Help. Get Involved.
Have They Fucked Up?
So far it looks like they’ve kicked COVID’s ass, especially compared to some other East Coast states. Cases continue to decrease, even three weeks after the first phase of reopening. The real test will be how the numbers look in July.
Delaware
Delaware is trending down, having also followed a strict quarantine protocol. This is all we have to stay about Delaware.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
While June 1st is when retail, museums, gyms. hotels, and houses of worship were allowed to open at 30% capacity, and that date saw salons and barbershops opening up by appointment only, every other station, additional restrictions were lifted before that point.
You could shop at retail stores, by appointment starting May 20th, ice cream trucks and shops randomly had some restrictions lifted on May 15th, churches could host socially distanced in-person services on May 18th, and May 22nd opened up beaches and, again, pools. Fucking pools.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 15th.
Phase two bumps up capacity to 60% for all the previous categories. Gyms stay at 30% occupancy, and indoor gatherings of 50 people will be allowed.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Delaware’s Economic Reopening. This is fine. At least it’s not trying hard, and it tells you what it is.
Have They Fucked Up?
Some people will say there wasn’t a reason to stay so closed so long, but as far as the curve goes, they’ve handled things well enough.
Florida
Florida is going to be one of those states where, for some bullshit reason, it’s a politically charged statement to say, “Florida is seeing more cases right now than at any point.” Florida has also been one of the more “open” states in America, and many people who want to open everything up are mad when they see that Florida seems to be getting worse.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 3rd, which seems insanely late.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
In the first phase of opening, restaurants, retail, and museums were allowed to be open at 50%. Oh, and sporting events were open. For a while the number of new cases stayed roughly flat, though trending upwards, until spiking…right around the time the second phase hit.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 5th.
The day after Florida saw the day with the single most new cases ever, they decided to open up theaters, auditoriums, bowling alleys, and bars at 50% capacity.
Dade, Broward, and Palm counties have opened at a slower schedule, joining Phase One two weeks later than the rest of the state. They have yet to join Phase Two.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Their opening plan is called “Safe. Smart. Step-by-Step.” Causing our researcher to ask “What amateurs named these?”
Have They Fucked Up?
Hahaha we’re going to have so many dumb people get mad at us, but yes, they absolutely fucked up. Honestly, the fact that they waited so long to institute shelter-in-place is baffling. And considering that the numbers are shooting up so sharply seems to indicate that they rushed things a bit.
On May 5th there were 550 cases, and May 19th, two weeks later, saw only 500, which is good. May 20th, though, saw over 1,000. Things aren’t looking good there.
By the way, we wrote this whole section on June 10th. At the time, the chart looked like THIS
Just four days later it jumped to this.
Florida’s literally the poster child of how to fuck up this pandemic.
The good news in Florida is, relative to other states, the amount of lives lost has been thankfully low in relation to the number of cases. They have 20,000 more cases than Connecticut, but 1,300 fewer deaths. Assuming they’re providing accurate data, that is.
Georgia
Georgia is another state being touted for how quickly they reopened everything. So it’s inevitably going to have people view it through a political lens, and, like, please don’t. If anyone reads this and starts bringing up the twitter feed of any politician, we kindly request you jump into a fire for just long enough that your clothes are singed and ruined without suffering anything worse than, say, second degree burns to your body.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 2nd.
First Phase of Reopening
April 24th. What?
Um, yeah so gyms, bowling alleys, tattoo parlors, salons all opened on the 24th (with social distancing). On April 27th, theaters, social clubs, restaurants all opened. Bad Axe, and axe throwing companies, also opened which is a mood.
Second Phase of Reopening
No official second phrase has been announced, but bars and nightclubs, up to 25 people or 35% capacity, opened on June 1st.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
As far as we can tell, no. So we’ll just propose the title of an LA Time Article, “Georgia Reopened First. What the Data Show Is a Matter of Fierce Debate.” Just like our internal fierce debate on if they should have said “Data Show” or “Data Shows.”
Have They Fucked Up?
It doesn’t seem so, but we’d say it’s 50/50 on if they’ll keep going down or see rates spike back up. Their economy has bounced back from April levels fairly strongly (though most of America saw similar, if somewhat smaller, rebounding in May and June). And while their cases are not going down, they’ve yet to skyrocket as well.
It’s important to note, however, that different parts of the state embraced the opening orders, while other areas resisted.
While the more rural and suburban parts of Georgia have been widely open, for example, Atlanta has placed an incredibly strict plan of their own that had shelter-in-place still enforced as late as May 27nd. Having the largest, most densely populated section of the state take a look at the state’s reopening plans and reply with “Fuck your chicken strips” could definitely have helped Georgia in the “not fucking this up so far” department.
Hawaii
Hawaii was really looking out for us by making this guide which pretty much did all of our research for us on this one.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 25th (though Honolulu shut down on the 23rd).
First Phase of Reopening
May 6th.
This phase opened up various industries with social distancing, including childcare, manufacturing, offices, outdoor spaces, hotels, and…wait, shopping malls?
Second Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
Almost everything other than bars and restaurants opened up with social distancing requirements. Outdoor spaces and health care opened lessened up on their restrictions.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 5th.
Restaurants, gyms, theaters, museums, personal services and “indoor gathering places” opened with restrictions.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Beyond Recovery: Reopening Hawai’i.” Holy shit, that doesn’t suck!
Have They Fucked Up?
No, they’re kicking COVID’s ass.
Hawaii has the lowest fatality rate, and is among the lowest cases-per-capita in America (the only state doing better is Montana, which is basically eight people named Jim living among herds of Buffalo. We may be out of touch with certain areas of America.) It’s tended upwards in recent days, but that spike you see from June 13th involves a grand total of 17 cases, so we’re guessing they’re fine.
It’s also one of the most geographically isolated islands in the world. Which probably helps.
Idaho
Idaho benefits from being a large state with a relatively small population, making it harder for COVID to spread. They’ve only seen triple digit positive cases six times and seam to have hit their peak in early April.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 25th.
Honestly this was impressively proactive. There were 3 cases on March 23rd, 23 cases on March 24th, and that’s when they decided to shut things down on the 25th (which saw 50 cases).
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Offices opened (with sanitation and distancing), along with retail. Also you could go to church. Oh, but if anyone wanted to enter Idaho, they would have to self-quarantine for 14 days. The more remote parts of the country that managed to handle things pretty well all seem to have some sort of quarantine protocol like this in place.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 16th.
Gyms, restaurants and salons opened, assuming they get their plans approved by local public health districts. Also gatherings of 10 people were allowed.
Third Phase of Reopening
May 30th.
Bars, movie theaters, and non-essential travel all opened up at the end of May.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Idaho Rebounds: Our Path to Recovery.”
Ugh fuck off. One of our staff just puked in their mouth.
Have They Fucked Up?
No, they had a plan and followed it, and they seem to be doing pretty well. Looking at the chart, it’s pretty easy to convince yourself how much worse things could have gone if they had delayed another week before putting in their shelter-in-place.
Illinois
Illinois was one of the first states to shut down, and as one of the largest states in the nation, it has a fun dichotomy where many view it as two states—Chicago, and like, the rest. Did you know that pretty much everyone who lives south of Champaign/Urbana roots for the Cardinals over the Cubs or White Sox? What the fuck is that?
(Our head writer might be from Chicago.)
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 21st.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
The first phase opened up religious or otherwise “essential” gatherings of 10 people or fewer, while opening some parks, gold courses, and allowing boating and fishing. Restaurants had remained open for curbside pickup or delivery only since closing about a week before the shelter-in-place order was announced.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 29th.
Chicago waited until early June to enter this phase, which allows gatherings of 10 or fewer, travel with proper precautions, health care providers opening all services and the opening of state parks.
It also let non-essential businesses open, taking precautions, as well as manufacturing. Bars and restaurants are allowed to open up any outdoor or patio spaces that they have, salons and barbershops opened, and gyms can hold outdoor classes or have one-on-one training sessions.
In theory, gatherings of 50, along with the opening of movie theaters and the interiors of bars and restaurants, will be the next phase, happening June 26th so long as there’s no substantial rise in cases or hospitalizations.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Restore Illinois.” It’s fine. In fact it’s decent. But not nearly as good as the memes made about Chicago’s mayor telling people to stay at home.
Have They Fucked Up?
Illinois was the second state to issue a shelter-in-place order, doing so just two days after California. They also have the fourth most cases and deaths of any state in the nation (though per-capita cases see them ranked 6th.)
But no, they didn’t fuck up. Now there is some degree of frustration on the slow pace of reopening (there is a minimum of 28 days between phases assuming cases don’t rise) but it does seem that cases peaked in the middle of May and started to sharply drop about two and a half weeks after Phase One was put in place.
Compared to neighboring states that took fewer precautions, it seems that Illinois handled this pretty well, all things considered. Obviously, when they open everything up at the end of June the whole thing could go to hell and spike back up, but we’re not fortune tellers so we can’t speak to how that’ll go. But as of the writing of this article, we’d say, they’re not fucking up.
Indiana
Indiana is more than just the state where most of the guns that end up in Chicago originate. It’s also a state with a very depressing motto (“The Crossroads of America” a.k.a. “You Drive Through Us to Get to Where You Want to Actually Go.”)
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
Indiana had a fairly aggressive opening phase, with malls, retail and restaurants all opening at 50% capacity.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
Less than two weeks later, they opened up retail to 75%
Third Phase of Reopening
June 12th.
Bars, museums, zoos, movie theaters, bowling alleys, amusement parks, and water park all opened at 50% capacity.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Back on Track Indiana.” BOOOOOOO. Oh God, that sucks. We’re livid. Fuck off Indiana.
Have They Fucked Up?
Eh, so far they’ve been fine. They’ve reopened faster than most states, with guidelines less strict than even the basic federal guidelines, but that’s not been meant with any huge surges. They’re 17th in cases-per-capita, but they’re also the 16th most densely populated state.
However, just like Georgia, it’s important to note that Indianapolis, a city with about 1/7 of the entire state’s population, has been operating under different, much stricter reopening protocols.
Iowa
We don’t want to spoil the next section, in terms of how Iowa handled quarantine. But we will say, there are a lot of articles where data is compared from how (more strict) Illinois counties neighboring Iowa fared versus Iowa’s (less strict) counties bordering Illinois fared. The difference was noticeable.
Shelter-in-Place Date
Um, they never did this?
They did close restaurants restaurants, bars, theaters, gyms and casinos on March 17th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Restaurants, gyms, malls, libraries and…um, racetracks all opened at 50% capacity if they employed “public safety measures.”
Second Phase of Reopening
May 15th-May 28th.
It phased in on a county-by-county basis, depending on infection rates, but once those rates were hit, tattoo shops, massage parlors, movie theaters, zoos and aquariums full-on opened.
Bars opened at 50%.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 12th.
Pretty much everything opened with phase three. Gone are the capacity restrictions, and they’re opening up pools and senior centers. We’re really hoping that time proves us wrong, but we we’re gonna go on record and say that we think this is a pretty bad idea, Iowa.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Nope. Again, the states that don’t lock down aren’t really too concerned about branding how they reopen.
Have They Fucked Up?
On paper they look to have weathered the storm for now, in that they’re not at their peak and are holding steady, but honestly, yes, they fucked up, and the more you dig into the data, the more it seems they fucked up.
They’re currently ticking upwards, and are still opening things, so they’re taking some risks. If in two weeks, or a month from now, the levels haven’t spiked up too much, then we’ll take back the “you fucked up, Iowa.”
Until then here’s a study from the University of Iowa that claims that if Iowa had actually issued a stay at home order they probably would have had 30% fewer cases.
And if you want to argue that their “no lockdown” approach seems to have been fine, keep in mind they have the 11th most cases per capita (above Michigan, Pennsylvania, and at over twice the rate of California). They’re the 36th most densely populated state.
Kansas
Researching for this article taught us that Kansas has a very dumb state motto. We’re thankful that it’s not Wizard of Oz related, but…not that thankful.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 30th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th, with “Phase 1.5” on May 18th.
Phase one allowed for gatherings of 10 or fewer, and had standard non-essential businesses with the 10 person guideline, and with social distancing encouraged.
Phase 1.5 allowed for commencement ceremonies (huh?), fitness centers, and personal service businesses. It originally was set for bars to open, but that got pushed into phase 3.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
Instead of “groups larger than 10 are not allowed” the second phase shifts the language to “groups of 15 are not recommended.” Also organized sports are allowed. Practices, tournaments, the whole shebang.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 8th.
Almost everything opened up, with groups encouraged to be no larger than 45.
On June 22nd, pretty much every single restriction will be removed.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Ad Astra: Plan to Reopen Kansas.” Yes, the moment we read that we were like “okay wait does Ad Astra mean something besides the Brad Pitt space daddy issue movie?”
So first of all. This is super dumb. Yes, “Per Aspera Ad Astra” which means “through hardships, to the stars” is the state’s slogan. But…our first thought was…has novel coronavirus figured out space travel?
Honestly, you know what? Kansas, free advice, as much as we hate to say it, and as much as we already said Wizard of Oz should be off the table…change your motto to “No Place Like Home.” That’s 100X better than fucking Ad Astra.
Also, “No Place Like Home” is literally a better shelter-in-place slogan than literally any state has come up with.
Have They Fucked Up?
So far, not really.
They sharply peaked on May 7th, but fell pretty pretty sharply, though they have really uneven numbers (May 17th saw 7 new cases, while May 18th saw 373) and have been fluctuating with some days showing really low numbers of cases, and some with huge surges.
So right now, they’re trending pretty even after an initial drop from their peak. Hopefully when they open everything up it won’t end up being done too soon.
Because if we have to see an Ad Astra 2, so help us we’ll lose our mind.
Kentucky
Kentucky went out of their way to piss us off by having the most unnecessarily complex reopening plan imaginable. We’re going to be mad about it for quite some time.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 26th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 9th.
Churches at limited capacity could open. That’s it. That’s the only thing for this one.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 11th.
Construction opened, as well as manufacturing, office-based businesses at 50% capacity, pet grooming, photography, and car dealers. Oh, and horse racing opened…so long as there are no fans. Sounds fun.
Third Phase of Reopening
May 18th.
Government offices and agencies reopened. How goddamn exciting.
Fourth (?) Phase of Reopening
May 20th.
Retail opened at 50% capacity, as well as funeral and memorial services.
Fifth (Jesus, What’s Going On Here) Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
Restaurants opened at 33% capacity, with outdoor seating allowed. Groups of 10 or fewer were allowed, which is actually later than a lot of states in terms of allowing groups. They also lifted their travel ban.
Sixth (OH COME ON) Phase of Reopening
May 25th.
Barber shops and hair salons opened with social distancing, as well as massage parlors, tanning booths, nail services, and tattoo shops. Basically everywhere that you pay someone to touch you in a non-sexual way. Also massage parlors.
….SEVENTH. FUCKING SEVENTH Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
This one opened a bunch of weird stuff. Like auctions, auto and dirt track racing, aquatic centers, bowling alleys, fishing tournaments, fitness centers, Kentucky State Park lodges, and movie theaters.
Thank God. Kentucky residents had been without auctions for TOO LONG!
EIGTH WILL THIS EVER STOP Phase of Reopening
June 8th.
Educational and cultural centers opened, as well as distilleries (hell yeah), libraries, limited outdoor activities and museums. Some childcare services were opened as well, but most importantly, as of June 8th… you can…in Kentucky…
GO TO HORSE SHOWS! FUCK YEAH!
Ninth Phase of Reopening. This Is Our Life Now.
June 11th.
Car dealerships jumped up to 50% capacity, and Kentucky State Park campground opened.
Tenth Phase of Reopening. We Live Here in Kentucky, Listing Every Single Reopening They Roll Out.
June 15th.
This is the next one, and ideally the last one…for now. We swear.
Kentucky is now opening up some childcare centers, and allow for low touch children’s sports. We’re not going to make the easy joke there.
June 29th is the next scheduled opening, which opens all other youth sports, and most importantly opens up bars and allows gatherings of up to 50 people.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Oof. Seems kind of tone deaf for a pandemic, right? Like, in April 16% of the residents of Kentucky were…unemployed…because of a disease…like what the shit?
Have They Fucked Up?
Maybe? Right now it’s a soft yes. Eleven or whatever phases don’t really matter when you’re just blindly choosing dates and sticking to them, as opposed to maybe slowing things down when you realize that your cases keep continuing to go up?
Now, you can argue that they’re doing fine, because they do thankfully have a relatively low number of cases compared to other states. But right now they’ve had a pretty constant streak without much of a downtick, and the last week has seen them ticking up which is not ideal.
If that number starts going down, you can argue they’ve done pretty well. But for now? Doesn’t look great. But they’re pretty low on a per-capita basis right now but they’ve also seen an increase in infection rate over the past week. It’s not Arkansas at least?
Louisiana
Louisiana was one of like, 5 states that was in the news early on for having a crazy amount of cases when things were just ramping up. It’s almost like as the virus was just starting to spread they had a huge annual event that involves a bunch of drunk people in close proximity for a long time or something.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 23rd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
Restaurants and bars, without live music (which is a very Louisiana clarification to include) as well as places of worship zoos, movie theaters, libraries, fitness centers, general retail, and barber shops opened at 25% capacity.
Now, New Orleans had to wait for the bar thing to happen. Bars opened at 25% capacity on May 13th.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 5th.
Everything is bumped up to 50% capacity. Also opening (at 50% capacity) are pools, museums, aquariums, libraries, tattoo and massage parlors, outdoor sports, racing, and bowling alleys.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Roadmap to a Resilient Louisiana.”
Fuck you, narc.
Have They Fucked Up?
We assumed that they would be a definite “yes” because there was a point where they were basically the biggest hotspot in America, but…nope, actually, they’ve managed to correct themselves nicely. Mardis Gras kind of fucked the state, but after their peak (they had almost 3,000 cases in a single day at one point) they dropped down sharply in mid-April and have been relatively steady since, at a much lower figure.
So they’re doing okay so far after a pretty rough start.
Disclosure, we wrote all this before the random CRAZY spike on June 13th. The thing with data we’re using is that there are occasionally strange spikes out of randomness, or, say, a state deciding to include all “possible” cases as confirmed cases on a single day. We don’t know in this case! Anyway, if that spike is not a blip, then everything you read before this will be comically out of date. But if it is a random spike, then Louisiana is doing okay, all things considered.
Maine
Maine is one of those states that like 36% of Americans forget about. No offense, Maine, but it doesn’t help that your one city most people are aware of has the same name as a larger city on the other side of the nation.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 2nd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Groups were limited to 10, hair salons, outdoor recreation, construction, and, most importantly, drive-in theaters.
As part of this phase, on May 11th, outdoor fitness classes and one-on-one gym training opened.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Groups of 50 allowed with distancing, restaurants opened outdoor seating, while lodging, tattoo parlors and nail salons all opened with restrictions.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
No, seriously, FUCK YOU, NARC.
Have They Fucked Up?
Eh, not really. It’s not great that they’ve already had two different peaks, but it’s a small state, with a small number of cases compared to the rest of the country—only 8 states have fewer cases. Though we could see this being one that ends up making us look silly in the future.
Maryland
We don’t have anything really of note to add about Maryland than to point out that it took a lot of restraint for us to avoid making any The Wire references during this next section.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 30th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
Retail, churches, barber shops all opened at 50% capacity, and manufacturing opened. On the 29th, restaurants opened for outdoor service only.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 5th.
Non-essential businesses opened, as well as tattoo parlors, massage parlors and tanning establishments. For some reason, a lot of states lump these specific businesses together in their reopening plans.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 12th.
Restaurants opened at 50% capacity. On June 19th, gyms, casinos and arcades (lol what is this 1988?) will open similarly.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Roadmap to Recovery: Maryland Strong”
*jerk off motion*
Have They Fucked Up?
They were a little on the later side in terms of shutting things down, but they’ve never really had an aggressive spike. They hovered around 1,000 cases a day for like two months, which isn’t ideal but at least it could be worse, and numbers are currently decreasing.
Barring Phase Three sending everything to shit, they’ve so far not fucked things up.
Massachusetts
“Listen fawkers we’re gawnna open up da MASS when we’re good and ready, fawk you Brady you traitor didn’t you see Floridaw already done FAWKED UP with dur COVID RESPAWNSE? SCHMITTYYYYY!”
~The Mayor of Boston (we assume)
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
Technically, phase one was structured into three separate phases. Those are:
May 18th.
Construction and manufacturing opened, socially distanced church services allowed, but outdoor services are encouraged, and gatherings are limited to under 10.
May 25th.
Non-Boston offices opened, hair salons, pet grooming, and car washing opened up with restrictions.
June 1st.
Annnnd Boston opened their offices
Second Phase of Reopening
June 8th.
Originally planned to happen later, they went ahead with this phase earlier in light of their downward trending cases. This let restaurants (outdoor only), nail salons, and hotels open, with the possibility of allowing for larger gatherings. With restrictions, naturally.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
We’d normally say “yawn” or like “who came up with this, Tom Brady” but at least it’s not some some thirsty narc shit, so we’ll say this is okay.
Have They Fucked Up?
No.
While 100,000 cases is indeed a lot, and their case-per-capita is pretty high, it’s a very densely populated state that hasn’t had a pronounced spike in cases and has been trending downward steadily since the end of April.
They do have two noticeable single day spikes, but the first one was due to a reporting error and the second was because they decided to count a bunch of retroactive probably cases and added all those on a single day.
Michigan
*points to a random spot on our hand*
“See there? That’s where I’m from. Yeah there’s COVID there.”
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 7th.
Technically this was Phase 3, but the first two phases were basically “WE’RE ON FIRE” and they didn’t set up the phase designations until around this point.
As far as actionable things, they went into effect on 5/11, with manufacturing and construction as well as real estate and outdoor work. Gatherings were not allowed.
Here’s where we should say that the dates are likely to be fucked up for the rest of this one, because each phase was basically brought in on an area-by-area basis. So less densely populated areas got to move forward faster than, say, Detroit.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Most businesses opened by appointment, with the stay at home order lifted, allowing indoor gatherings of less than 10 and outdoor gatherings less than 100.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 8th
Northern Michigan and the Upper Peninsula opened up earlier than the rest of the state, but this was the point where bars and restaurants opened at 50% capacity, with casinos also reopening. Gyms and salons are set to open on the 15th.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Dear lord. we’ve broken the brand advisors.
Have They Fucked Up?
Nope!
Well, listen, sure, armed assholes might have invaded their legislature because they wanted haircuts, but they’ve been consistently trending downward since April 8th. June 5th randomly saw a massive jump from 225 cases to 4,500 cases, but that’s because they, like Massachusetts, decided to add retroactive probable cases that were not confirmed all on one day.
This is a good point to reiterate that there are some states here that probably are over-reporting COVID cases for the sake of transparency and caution, and there are some states that we’ve probably said aren’t fucking up that are underreporting COVID cases to, like, look good or whatever.
Minnesota
So this is a state that is pretty fresh in the collective mindset right now. We’re just going to focus on their COVID response because, again, there are so many smart people who are talking about the more currently relevant stuff, and we’re just a staff of drunks making dick jokes. (Support black authors.)
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 27th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 18th.
Gatherings of 10 or fewer allowed, churches at 25% capacity with a maximum of 250 (damn how big are your churches?), drive in events allowed, and retail was opened at 50% capacity.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Restaurants and bars allowed outdoor dining, with reservations (smart). Salons, tattoos, and barbers operated at a 25% capacity. Seriously who’s so desperate for a tattoo that this is a thing that has to be so specifically addressed? Oh, school buildings opened too.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 10th.
Gatherings of 25 are allowed outdoors, 10 people privately indoors is allowed. Bars and restaurants can open at 50% capacity, with 50% capacity for personal services (hair, nails, massage, etc). Gyms and indoor events and entertainment venues can open at 25% and outdoor events with social distancing are allowed to hit 250 people.
Churches bump up to 50% and pools can open at 50% capacity, to answer the question of “who is so desperate to smell like Chlorine that they’ll go to a pool during a pandemic.”
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
This is the safest, most inoffensive, midwestern name imaginable. So. Seems like a good fit here.
Jesus, just reading it it’s almost impossible to not add an “ay?” to the end of that.
Have They Fucked Up?
Um so far, like, not really. At least so far as COVID response. They had a bit of a rough patch starting May, but that seems to have been handled. Cases will probably go up a bunch after we post this, and we’re sure your Uncle Facebook will have some thoughts about it which are already making you feel exhausted.
Anyway, so far they’re trending down. Let’s move on.
Mississippi
Ugh we don’t want to talk about our thoughts on Mississippi.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 3rd.
Feels late right?
First Phase of Reopening
May 7th.
Parks opened up, indoor gatherings capped at 10, outdoor ones capped at 20. And restaurants and bars opened at 50% capacity.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Groups of 20 people without distancing allowed indoors, 50 people outdoors. Where you can have social distancing, that goes to 50 indoors and 100 outdoors. And basically all businesses can open.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
We’ve not found one. Though their governor has called it “Freedom With Risk.” Which sounds like the last words you’d hear while surrounded by a group of men in biohazard gear approaching you with a mystery syringe.
Have They Fucked Up?
Oh yeah.
Their highest single-day total of cases was June 8th…before it was June 12th. That chart is not looking pretty, and while they’re basically holding steady at their peak currently, Mississippi is 13th in deaths per capita and 15th in cases per capita, despite having the 35th largest population in America and the 32nd most densely populated one.
Missouri
Listen, any chance we can get to dunk on St. Louis with their annoying baseball fans and horrible pizza ideas, we’ll take it. So if we come off biased here, that’s largely gonna be the reason.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 6th.
Of the states that put in shelter-in-place, not a one waited longer.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
Much like their pizza, their first reopening phase was vague and not-well-considered. Basically, there were no official limits on social gatherings. Most businesses could operate if you could maintain social distancing.
But you had to try to keep 6 feet separation from anyone who’s not your family.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 16th.
In a a few days, with rates still rising, everything is going to be open. Because fuck it.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Show me Strong Recovery Plan.”
Oh Jesus fucking Christ.
Like…we’re not sure if pointing out that “Missouri is the ‘Show Me State'” makes this slightly more forgivable or 1000% more depressing.
It’s the latter. Jesus this is embarrassing.
Have They Fucked Up?
Oh you betchya.
They have only 16,000 cases right now, so as of right now, they’re in great shape…but they’re still on the rise, and that number was 15,000 when we started writing this post, and all of this surely is in no way related to the fact that they put about as much effort into their reopening plan as we put into our simile right here that we wrote at 1AM while decently drunk.
Imo’s is garbage.
Montana
Of course Montana is going to be fine. It’s basically a state composed of thirteen cattle ranchers and a small city called Butte.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 28th.
First Phase of Reopening
April 27th.
Technically the stay at home order was lifted on 4/26, but non-essential businesses had to wait a whole extra day. It allowed for gatherings of 10, and let retail businesses and salons open at 50% capacity.
Restaurants, bars, distilleries breweries and casinos could open with distancing guidelines and 50% capacity starting May 4th.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Groups of 50 are allowed, and you could have even larger groups if you have enough space to socially distance. All the categories from phase one expanded to 75% capacity, and pools, gyms, and hot tubs also opened at 75% capacity.
Concert halls, bowling alleys, and places of assembly also opened, with reduced capacity.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Sigh.
If anyone else had their shit together we’d hate this but. Like. Fine. It’s fine.
Have They Fucked Up?
No.
They issued their shelter in place on the day where they got the most cases in a single day, but that number was 26, and the order did manage to relatively quickly send their number of cases down to zero.
They’ve had a bit of a blip in the past week, and the 13th saw a HUGE jump with a total of…15 cases. So you can say they’re trending upward, but it feels like they’re doing fine.
Admittedly, Montana is…Montana. They should have just named their reopening plan “Social Distancing? We’ve been doing that shit on accident for like 200 years.”
Nebraska
We don’t want to give anything away, but Nebraska was one of five states to never have a stay-at-home order. They also have about 3 times the cases-per-capita of California.
Shelter-in-Place Date
Nope, didn’t have one.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
Restaurants and barber shops opened at 50% capacity. Church services are allowed if households can keep six feet separation. Also, and this is one of the only states we’ve seen do this, they specifically have said that weddings and funerals are allowed if you can make that same arrangement.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
All but two counties moved to the next phase, which allows travel (if you travel internationally you must quarantine) as well as non-contact team sports.
And rodeos! Those opened and count as “gatherings.”
Speaking of gatherings, this is where Nebraska is super strange. Just about every state sets limits for capacity, a common one being 50 people, or 50% capacity, whichever number is lower.
Nebraska sets all their limits at whatever number is bigger.
So, “gatherings” are limited to either 25 people, OR 25% of the occupancy of a venue, up to 3,000. Which also means, if you have a bar that only sits 25 people, you’re allowed 25 people in there. This is truly mind boggling shit.
Anyway, bars and restaurants have even less restriction, with a limit of 25 or 50% occupancy, with the higher number taking precedence. Same with gyms, and weddings.
But don’t worry, Nebraska isn’t totally insane with this whole thing. Proper sanitation and social distancing is still being encouraged, as well as mask usage. And for weddings, they figured out how to make those safe. Tables have to be spaced out, buffets and salad bars are banned, and there is to be absolutely no dancing or anything that will take you away from your table.
Weddings in Nebraska are officially part of the Footloose universe.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
They didn’t bother to name it. There’s no COVID response website on their state’s page. The states that don’t actively address, you know, the situation surrounding us tend to be…not very proactive.
Oh right we punish states that don’t care about rebuilding enough to brand it by giving them fake names. Let’s go with… “If you can only find us on a map 40% of the time, no way COVID-19 will!”
Have They Fucked Up?
We were originally going to say no, because the amount of total cases are relatively low, ranking 26th in the nation, and as we started writing this they were trending steadily downward.
But they’re 37th in total population, have a noticeably higher infection rate, and look like they may potentially be on the verge of a second spike.
That’s admittedly the problem with trying to look at these figures objectively. You never know if you’re right until a few weeks have passed. For example, on April 11th, the Omaha World-Herald boasted that, despite not having a stay-at-home order, they were fairing better than most of their neighboring states. That day they had 40 cases, compared to 122 by Iowa, Colorado saw 410, and Kansas, which has seen 6,000 fewer cases, had 102 cases.
On April 25th, Nebraska had 424. (For comparison sake, Iowa had 520, but they have 3 million residents to Nebraska’s 1.9 million. Colorado saw 712, a number they have not reached since, with 5.7 million people. And Kansas had 249 with a population of 2.9 million.) The cases steeply rose for the next two weeks, and while they went down pretty sharply after that, the state’s been hit much worse than just about all their neighbors, and if we had to guess we’d say we’re just now seeing an increase of cases start again.
Fun fact (not fun at all), but the huge metropolis of Grand Island, Nebraska saw 45 deaths and over 1,500 cases…out of a population of 50,000. That’s 3% of the population. Nebraska fucked up.
Nevada
Seriously, why aren’t you fuckers wearing masks inside your damn casinos?
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 1st.
First Phase of Reopening
May 9th.
On May 1st, drive-in church was allowed, as well as golf, tennis and, um, pickleball. Non-essential businesses were allowed curbside service. Then on the 9th it bumped into the official Phase One, which opened restaurants, barber shops, hair salons, nail salons and retail businesses at 50% capacity.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 29th.
This one did a bunch. Malls opened. Bars and gyms opened at 50% capacity, though, sorry Nevadans (is that right?), you CAN’T use their STEAM ROOMS. THE HORROR.
Tattoo parlors opened as well, and while it makes sense what with the whole “you have to wear a mask in a tattoo parlor” thing, they specify that you’re not allowed to get a tattoo around your mouth or nose.
They also opened trade schools, museums, pools, movie theaters, bowling alleys, and church services up to 50 people were allowed.
Oh, and on June 4th they opened up the damn casinos.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Not really. The closest we could find was “Prepare, Don’t Panic” which sounds like something you’d hear as your vision starts to fog after taking a shot with the eastern European baroness who introduced herself by saying she found your “works….quite interesting.”
Have They Fucked Up?
Yeah. Pretty heavily.
Jesus Christ, Nevada. They’re currently at their highest levels, are rising sharply (they set a new “record” on the 13th, the last day recorded on this chart), and that’s before we see if the opened casinos filled with maskless people will lead to a huge spike. “Yesterday they had their highest single-day total of new cases ever” is a sentence we first wrote three days ago, and it’s also true today.
It’s a shame that herpes already cornered the market on “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…except” jokes.
New Hampshire
Most of our staff doesn’t think about New Hampshire enough to make jokes about it. Um, like, cravats? Is that a New Hampshire thing?
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 27th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 11th.
Hair salons/barbershops and retail stores opened at 50% capacity. Outdoor dining at restaurants opened on May 18th.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 15th.
They just allowed low-contact amateur sports, bowling, funeral homes, weddings, gyms, libraries, museums, outdoor attractions, and pools at 50% capacity. Restaurants are also at 50%, though some counties have pushed it to 100%. Gatherings of 10 are allowed, and on the 29th they’ll open amusement parks, movie theaters, and performance arts centers.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Economic Re-Opening Task Force.”
…Kind of reminds us of Parks & Recreation. So we don’t hate it?
Have They Fucked Up?
Not so far. They have been slower and more cautious than a lot of states, but they’ve not had any huge spikes, and they’re currently trending downward. Probably helps because…of all…the cravats…? We’ll show ourselves out.
New Jersey
New Jersey is one of the states that got hit hardest by COVID. It’s also the most densely populated state in the nation. And it neighbors, you know, the one area that got hit the worst. So they had a pretty tough time.
Oh wait, we totally missed out on a chance to be like “lol this is the worst virus to hit New Jersey since Jersey Shore” and then immediately feel like horrible people because like, over 12,000 people so far have died, Jesus Christ what’s wrong with us?
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 18th.
Their first “phase” was itself phased out. New Jersey opened state parks and golf courses, as well as charter fishing randomly on May 2nd, but the 18th let non-essential businesses do curbside. Car dealerships opened on the 20th, the 22nd opened beaches, campgrounds, outdoor recreational businesses (think the TRUE ESSENTIALS, like archery rangers, batting cages, and horseback riding).
Outdoor gatherings also jumped from 10 to 25, while professional sports teams were allowed to start practicing. On May 26th, elective surgeries were allowed, while June 9th let indoor gatherings reach 50, or 25% capacity, with outdoor gatherings jumping to 100. (Protests are exempt from these restrictions.)
Second Phase of Reopening
June 15th.
Similarly phased out—on the 15th, childcare, outdoor dining, and indoor shopping at retail stores opened up. Also, libraries opened for curbside service. On June 22nd, barber shops/hair salons will open, pools will open, and outdoor gatherings will rise to 250, with 500 being the allowed total on July 3rd.
Bar and indoor restaurant openings are so far down the line there’s not even a potential date put in place yet.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Honestly not sure if we love this so much we want it tattooed on our genitals, or hate it so much we want to carve it on the cadaver of our most socially-acceptable to hate enemy.
Have They Fucked Up?
Yeah.
They’re doing all the right things now-—cases have been going down at a steady rate for the last 3 weeks, and on April 22nd they had 3,500 cases, while the amount of cases when they began slowly reopening on May 18th was 1,700 (and May 19th was under 1,000).
But New York is the only state with more cases or deaths, and they rank second in both categories on a per-capita basis.
That’s because, while they were one of the early states to institute shelter-in-place, they definitely waited too long. California had shut down on the 19th (when New Jersey had 308 cases—California shut down seeing 174 cases that day), Illinois shut down on the 21st (when Jersey had 440 cases—and Illinois had 168) and when they finally pulled the trigger on the, admittedly difficult at the time, decision to shut things there were 930 cases reported.
By April 4th they were seeing between 3,000 and 4,000 cases a day, which they saw almost exclusively for the majority of the month of April before cases started to taper down from an alarming high. If they had been more proactive, who knows, maybe they’d be close to being able to drink in bars again. (Bars are the only thing our staff cares about opening up.)
New Mexico
We asked our lawyers if it was legal to make a joke trying to determine if Walter White killed in Breaking Bad than this pandemic has in the state of New Mexico, and they informed us that not only was it legal, that we were awful, terrible, unfunny monsters for even asking if we should write that joke.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 16th.
Most businesses were allowed to open at 25%, excluding gyms, salons, malls, dine in restaurants or bars. Outdoor restaurant seating was allowed on May 27th.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Drive-in theaters opened, as well as malls at 25% capacity (sorry, no food courts allowed). Hotels and gyms opened at 50%, and salons opened with restrictions. Churches allowed 25% capacity, and, randomly, pools opened for laps, or for swimming lessons of no more than two students at a time.
Bars remain closed. 😦 Though breweries opened with outdoor seating on the 12th.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Honestly, it’s not great, but it doesn’t burst any blood vessels in our eyes. Which makes it better than most.
Wait. Actually…This doesn’t sound very socially distanced. It’s the OPPOSITE of social distancing. Boooo!
Have They Fucked Up?
They had their most cases in a single day a little more than a week ago, which isn’t great. They have more cases per capita than Florida and Arizona, but they’re under 10,000 cases and are confidently trending downwards. .
But we’re going to say no they haven’t fucked up.
New York
Oh boy. New York has nearly 20% of all COVID cases in the United States. The state alone has more cases than any nation other than Russia and Brazil. It wasn’t the first place to start seeing cases, but it definitely was the epicenter (thanks a lot, London).
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 22nd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 15th. June 8th in New York City
New York is opening up on an area-by-area basis with four phases. Since New York City demands it has ALL of the attention, it’s next to impossible to find when any other part of the state reached this phase. But the earliest you could enter it would be May 15th.
Not much changed in this phase. Construction is allowed, as well as curbside and pickup retail, and manufacturing.
Though the state allowed small gatherings as of May 22nd.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 29th.
Five regions in New York entered on the 29th (New York City can start on June 22nd at the earliest, though July seems most likely.) Offices, outdoor dining, churches, and non-essential businesses reopened, as well as barbershops and salons.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 12th.
The same five regions entered Phase Three, with four others (Western New York, Capital Region, Mid-Hudson and Long Island) still in Phase Two. NYC remains in Phase One.
Phase Three opens up restaurants and hotels at a limited capacity. That’ll probably happen to New York City in like, 2022.
Phase Four, when it happens, will open up all entertainment industries (theaters, museums, etc) as well as schools.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
How can you fuck up literally ever part of everything happening right now?
Oh what’s that? You’re literally the only state to have a SECOND branded reopening plan? Is this one better because of your tap water?
You’re just embarrassing yourself New York. Did your dad come up with that for you?
Have They Fucked Up?
Yeah.
So here’s the thing.
There are three main ways that states have fucked up. A few just kind of tossed their hands in the air and said, “Let’s be more like Sweden,” Most closed things down and seemed to get things under control before opening up too much too fast, and are facing a second wave. And finally we saw states with dense populations that saw their first cases pretty early, and waited about a week longer than they should have before locking down.
A lot of states held off on the shelter-in-place order, but didn’t fuck up. It does seem that the states that got hit hardest tended to shut down relatively early, but far later than any other states when you look at how many cases they were seeing at that time.
And that fuck up proves disastrous for two reasons. First, the obvious loss of health and life. But second, by being slow to shut everything down, they have to keep businesses closed much longer.
New York had 109 cases on March 12th. March 14th saw 189. March 16th, the day bars and restaurants were closed, had 218, the 17th had 425, and the 18th had over 1,000. March 22nd may seem early, considering only Illinois and California shut down earlier, but that day saw 4,817 new cases come in.
Not to sound like a broken record, but Illinois announced their shutdown on a day that saw 163 cases. They closed bars and restaurants on the same day New York did that, but when they had seen only ten cases that day. Meanwhile, Arizona, who fucked up badly, waited until March 31st, which was too long, but even they decided the 129 cases they saw on the day of enactment was worth a shut down.
New York was hit the hardest of any state, and it’s not even close. They fucked up, but they fucked up at the beginning of this thing, which is slightly more understandable, since no one knew what to expect. They’ve done what they can to limit the damage, and cases have been going down steadily since the end of April. So they’re currently not fucking up, which is some good news we guess?
North Carolina
We don’t know why we committed to doing a little description in this section, because it’s just stoking our worst impulses, like trying to say something like, “COVID is the worst thing to happen to North Carolina since Duke.” We’re genuinely sorry, we know that live are being lost, and this is not the time to be glib. But Duke sucks.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 30th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 8th.
Retail opened at 50% capacity, outdoor gatherings of 10 people, with friends, allowed (they’re one of the only states to clarify that your gatherings can include friends, which seems weird?). They also opened child care, but only for people with jobs, or looking for a job. Which, again, seems weird?
Second Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
Groups of 10 allowed indoors, groups of 25 allowed outdoors. Restaurants and HAIR STUFF (we are so sick of having to say both barber shops and beauty salons) all opened at 50% capacity. Large arenas and stadiums opened with permission.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
As a name, it’s actually pretty good. As a state that literally has never not been curving upwards, it doesn’t seem like they took their advice here.
Have They Fucked Up?
Yo, look at that graph. They’re CURRENTLY fucking up. And they’re still considering opening up further, which, guys, please, hold the fuck off for just a bit, okay?
(To their credit, they originally were going to open up bars and gyms on the 22nd, but held off because, you know, their cases just keep rising. So they’re not fully bullheaded about it.)
North Dakota
If you’re wondering which is the Dakota that has something you’re aware of, it’s South Dakota that has Mount Rushmore. North Dakota has…um the Badlands? And a really depressing Google snippet.
Oof.
Shelter-in-Place Date
Lol nope.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Pretty much everything opened at 50% capacity. Hair cuts, tattoos, restaurants, bars, massage, gyms. Movie theaters opened at 20%, and the only areas specifically left close are sports, music and entertainment venues.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 29th.
Everything but movie theaters expands to 75% capacity, including weddings and banquets which go from a maximum of 250 to 500. Movie theaters jump to 65% capacity. Also, they make a point to say that gyms can have more INTENSE classes. Because the science doctors say so.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Fuck you, narcs.
Have They Fucked Up?
Despite not doing any shelter-in-place, not really. They basically stressed personal responsibility, and people actually listened. They also had the third highest per-capita rate of testing, with an incredibly low percentage of positive tests (when they opened up Phase Two they saw a positive test rate of 1.4%.)
And again, it’s a very sparsely populated state, which does help slow things down. That said, they did see cases go up pretty steadily after their first reopening, though they’ve dropped since the end of May.
Only seven states have fewer cases, and five have fewer deaths. (Admittedly only three states have a lower population. And they have more cases-per-capita than California. So maybe they fucked up a tiny bit. But if there was a state to get away with not putting in any stay-at-home orders, this is one that makes sense.)
Ohio
Much like their chart, Ohio remains round on the ends, hi in the middle.
We’re so sorry. We’ll show ourselves out.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 23rd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 12th.
Retail stores opened at limited capacity.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
HAIR STUFF (we’re just going to lump hair salons and barber shops as “HAIR STUFF”) opened up, along with outdoor seating for restaurants and bars.
Third Phase of Reopening
May 21st.
Dine-in restaurant service opened up.
Fourth Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
At this point they started a phased opening plan, with limitation on all openings. June 1st opened banquet halls and day care. On June 10th, they opened a slew of other businesses, including aquariums, art galleries, country clubs, indoor sports, movie theaters, museums, and zoos.
Oh, they also specifically opened laser tag, trampoline parks, and ice skating rinks. IN JUNE.
On June 19th, they’ll opened casinos and racinos. Our head staff writer had never heard of racinos before, and thought it was a joke term, but that’s maybe because he’s never been divorced because of a gambling problem. Just a drinking problem, thank you very much.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Oh we KNOW you’re a fucking cop.
Have They Fucked Up?
We’re gonna say no. While they waited until the curve started to jump up to shut things down, they still were one of the earliest states to do so, and they peaked almost a month after they implemented shelter-in-place. They had a brief but sharp jump, but have either plateaued or been steadily lowering since then. They seem to be restarting…responsibly. Ugh goddamn it, we hate ourselves for that joke (it’s a joke about their plan name, we know, we’ll show ourself out).
Oklahoma
So when we started writing this, we said, “Oklahoma is a state where you should just ignore whatever conclusion we come to. We have no idea how well they’re doing. We are not data scientists, we are a joke site that makes a point to insert “(nice)” anytime the number 69 (nice) comes up for some reason. If you get mad at any conclusions we make here, it’s honestly 100% your fault, and you need to learn to calm the fuck down sometimes.”
We added, “Kind of odd that we waited 10,000 words into this thing to try to really lean in on the ‘if you’re taking us 100% seriously you’re reading this article wrong’ angle.”
Then the next three days saw two of the highest case counts, back to back, that the state had ever seen.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 28th.
But only Oklahoma City and Tulsa. The rest of the state never got one.
You know what, ignore the previous section, we’re pretty confident that we’ll reach the assessment that they fucked up, and they probably did.
First Phase of Reopening
April 24th. This feels too soon.
Retail, HAIR STUFF, nail salons, and pet groomers opened. Also, there’s some larger societal tale to tell that we spend so much on our pets that pet groomers are often among the first businesses to open up in most of these states. Or maybe we’re drunk. This article was a mistake.
May 1st marked “Phase One, Part Two.”
That let restaurants, movie theaters and…shit, wait, sporting venues? Really? Anyway, if those met CDC social distancing protocols, they’re good to go. Gyms and churches also reopened, though they specified that you should leave every other pew empty for services. This is the first time we’ve seen this specific rule put in place.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
Bars, weddings and funerals also opened up at the same vague “meets CDC social distancing protocol” guidelines.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
All personal services (think hair and touching stuff) allow walk-in appointments, and overnight summer camps opened. And so long as social distancing is being adhered to, as of this point there are no limits to group sizes.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Yes.
God.
Dammit.
It’s…
a.ka.
O.U.R.S.
This is NOT THE TIME TO GET CUTE OKLAHOMA
Have They Fucked Up?
They’re relatively low in their cases per capita, and in total cases…but as of the posting of this article, yeah, they’re currently fucking up.
Plus they called their recover plan “O.U.R.S.” We hate to say this, because we want every state to kick this the ass of this damn virus because then we can all GO TO BARS AGAIN, but Oklahoma seems to be fucking this shit up.
Oregon
Ho boy. We should have had our Oklahoma “God we don’t know what to make of this” cop out saved for Oregon. This is one where our entire article will be DISCREDITED by our ultimate conclusion by people who have not listened to us saying “WE ARE NOT EXPERTS THE TITLE OF THIS POST LITERALLY HAS AN OBSCENITY THAT WILL MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T GO VIRAL” throughout this whole process.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 23rd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 14th.
31 of 35 counties were allowed to move forward, with limited openings of restaurants and bars, personal services, gyms, and malls. They also allowed gatherings of 25 people with social distancing.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 5th.
This was a bit more phased out. Some opened on the 5th, others on the 6th, others on the 8th, and some haven’t reached here yet. But if you reached this point, you could have gatherings of 50 people indoors, and 100 outdoors. Bars and restaurants could open till midnight (previously they had to close at 10.) And large venues could hold 250 people. Movie theaters and gyms are fine to open, same as pools and spas.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Building a Safe and Strong Oregon.”
We’re okay with this. It’s concise and doesn’t try to be anything it’s not.
Have They Fucked Up?
Maybe? Honestly it seems a little like a yes, but we could talk ourselves into a no.
They shut things down pretty early. They were one of the first states hit by the virus, and they have one of the fewest cases-per-capita in the nation. But they’ve had three of their highest single-day totals in the past week, so it looks like their reopening might have been a tad hasty.
So the chart says they’ve fucked up. Though the numbers say they’ve done pretty well. Even with their HUGE surge, there are only four states with lower per-capita cases. And they have pumped the breaks on their reopening efforts. So this one is a toss up. We’ll say they’ve done a pretty fair job, even with that surge. But if that surge continues, they might end up fucking this shit up.
Pennsylvania
We thought the most that Pennsylvania would ever piss us off would be when one of our staffers had to drive through the state on the I80, only to discover that it’s a state that never ends with horrible traffic. But no, that gets beat out by them being the most difficult state to research as far as reopening efforts go. We’re pissed off, Pennsylvania, get your weirdly specific regional accents out of our face.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 1st.
Which seems like a fuck up. You literally border the two states that got hit the hardest by the virus.
First Phase of Reopening
May 8th.
So here’s the thing. Each county has to meet specific requirements, and then have to be okay for 14 days. And we are not getting paid enough to do the deep dive on this article that will be read by like 125 people to do a county-by-county basis.
Anyway, Pennsylvania did a like, Red Phase, Yellow Phase, and Green Phase (LIKE A STOP LIGHT! WOW AMAZING WORK, SHITTY MARKETING CONSULTANT!) approach.
The Red Phase launched on the 8th. It…didn’t do much. It opened “life sustaining businesses”? Pennsylvania isn’t being really transparent here.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.*
*Don’t check our math here
The Yellow Phase let retail stores open with distancing, opened up child care, and allowed gatherings of 25. Restaurants and bars can open for outdoor seating.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 5th*
*Seriously we write most of these with at least a strong buzz, we might be off on this
Most businesses can operate, HAIR STUFF opens at 50% capacity, as well as gyms, personal care, entertainment venues and restaurants and bars. Admittedly, not all counties are at this point, but again, we’re not going to dig into the nuance too deeply here.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Short. Simple. Not trying too hard. We’ll take it.
Have They Fucked Up?
It’s crazy they waited as long as they did, especially as they peaked on April 9th. you’d think that they did themselves a disservice by holding out on the stay-at-home order a full week after New York and New Jersey, the two states with the most cases that happen to border Pennsylvania, decided to shut shit down.
But as much as we hate their annoying traffic light system, they seem to have managed to not fuck up. Their cases and deaths rank higher than their per-capita on either area, and their cases have been steadily decreasing since April 10th.
Rhode Island
Rhode Island is the second most densely populated state in America, which is crazy to think about because unless you went to a boarding school on the East Coast you’ve never met someone from Rhode Island.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 28th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 9th.
Groups of 5 allowed, and socially distanced opening of retail, state parks, and elective medical procedures. Church is limited to 5 people, which seems like no church that has ever existed.
Second Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
Social gatherings of 15 allowed. Churches can go to 25% capacity. Indoor dining and personal services (tats, massages, HAIR STUFF, etc) all open up.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Reopening RI.” BOOOORRRING.
Have They Fucked Up?
Our original research had the stay-at-home date in mid-April and considering they peaked around two weeks after that, we were ready to say, “they kind of fucked up.” But now we’ll say, if they fucked up it’s probably just a little bit. They still waited too long. But they’re doing pretty well currently. They have fewer cases-per-capita than South Dakota, for example, and it IS a densely populated state.
We’ll say they only kind of fucked up, worst case scenario, so long as they keep trending downward.
South Carolina
Oh boy. 10% of you scrolled down to this point because the President praised this state for opening up well. We’ll just say, if you look at that graph above this paragraph and are annoyed and think that it’s “fake news” you can, very kindly, fuck off to Mars.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 7th.
What? Come on guys.
First Phase of Reopening
April 20th.
We’ll say this, South Carolina has made it crazy hard to look up their reopening plans, probably because they’re REALLY bad at this shit. Anyway, retail opened on the 20th of April.
On May 4th outdoor dining was allowed for restaurants.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 11th.
Restaurants opened. And on the 18th, gyms did. Yes, some guidelines were in place, but South Carolina hasn’t been very transparent with their data. It’s remarkably frustrating to find any data on South Carolina’s protocols at all.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“South Carolina Strong.” Ugh.
Have They Fucked Up?
Yes.
Okay, first of all, we’re pissed at them because they’ve managed to be one of the most infuriating states to research, which is a sign that they’re not doing much to get this shit taken care of. Also, they are SHARPLY rising right now, and their complete lack of a fully structured plan definitely is to blame. Handle your shit, South Carolina, dammit.
South Dakota
This is the Dakota with Mount Rushmore!
Shelter-in-Place Date
The Dakotas don’t have time for your shelter in place orders.
First Phase of Reopening
Listen, so this is the first time we’ve yet to find a state that actually shut shit down, and had phases to reopen it. South Dakota basically stuck fingers in their ears and were like “nah nah we can’t hear you.”
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“605 Strong: The Road to Recovery.” Yo, South Dakota, chill the fuck out just a little bit, okay?
Have They Fucked Up?
We say this with all due respect, but South Dakota not only fucked up, but they should feel bad for how badly they fucked up. Thirteen states can boast a lower death-per-capita rate, even though South Dakota as a STATE has the same population as Columbus, Ohio. They’ve had two peaks already, they’re not taking this seriously, and people have gotten sick because of their inaction.
Let’s put it this way. Montana, a neighboring state, has a larger population. They also have 10X fewer cases PER CAPITA than South Dakota. Fuck you, South Dakota, you decided you were better than the rest of the states who actually put thought into this once-in-a-century-pandemic and managed to pull off the FOURTEENTH highest rate of COVID cases per capita despite being the 46th least-densely-populated state.
Frankly someone should be arrested.
Tennessee
Apparently Tennessee is a different state than Kentucky (COASTAL ELITE MUCH?) One of our writers got dumped in Nashville so if you are mad about this assessment, please just assume it was him being petty [ed. note: “Handle your shit, JOHNNY.”]
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 31st.
Five days after Kentucky. Seems pretty UNFAITHFUL. [ed. note: “That doesn’t even make sense. Johnny, I know the story, you didn’t even get dumped in Nashville, and you weren’t cheated on. Listen, this is already a super long article that has a lot of areas to get us in a lot of trouble, maybe let’s not bring this weird kind of beta-male energy into things?”]
First Phase of Reopening
May 11th.
Retail opened at 50% capacity, as well as restaurants. Gatherings were topped at 10.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 26th.
Many more businesses opened up, and those already opened can go to 75% capacity. Gatherings under 25 are allowed.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Tennessee Pledge.” Oof, you sure about that one? Don’t want to give any other name a try?
Have They Fucked Up?
They’ve not spiked particularly hard, but they’re not going down. Their cases-per-capita is at about the median level for US states.
Realistically, they’ve not fucked up. Emergency services aren’t overworked, and their numbers aren’t high.
But our editor-in-chief says that they fucked up, because why’d she take Johnny on a trip to Nashville with family if she was gonna dump him later that week [ed. note: “That’s it Johnny we gotta install some oversight you do not pay us enough to be your shrink.”] and also, the amount of cases they’ve seen has, more or less, been constantly but slowly rising for three months. That actually seems like a more reasonable thing to ding Tennessee on.
Texas
Oh boy we do not want to get into the weeds about this state. America’s angriest step-brother.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April Goddamn 2nd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Retail, restaurants, movie theaters, and malls opened at 25% capacity. If this seems reckless, considering how most other states acted, and how Texas is seeing an increase in cases, take solace in knowing that the malls had food court closed but ALSO shut down PLAY AREAS. THE HORROR!
Churches are generally open, and outdoor sports with four or fewer participants are allowed.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 18th.
Restaurants bumped up to 50% capacity, and child care facilities and massage parlors opened up. Then on May 22nd, bowling alleys, bingo parlors, bars, aquariums, and, naturally rodeos opened to the public.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 3rd.
All businesses get to open at 50% capacity. Cool idea, you lone star of a state.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Fuck You, We’ll Do What We Want. If you say we’re handling this wrong that’s more your fault for telling us data.”
Wait no, it’s “Texans Helping Texans.”
Have They Fucked Up?
Oh yeah.
On March 22nd, when New York shut things down before becoming the poster child for “how a pandemic can decimate a city” Texas had 85 cases. Their cases have steadily rose, while they kind of not really shut shit down, and cases have been aggressively rising since May 25th.
Right now their cases per capita looks good, but it does look like they’ll be dealing with this for a while. The three most COVID cases they’ve seen in a single day have happened in the last four days. They’re not doing great.
Utah
Well at least people won’t be too concerned about bars being opened here, since most of the state doesn’t drink beers higher than a 4.2% ABV.
Shelter-in-Place Date
April 1st.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Groups limited to 20 were allowed to assemble. Restaurants opened for dine-in services with restrictions, as well as gyms and personal services (including HAIR STUFF).
Second Phase of Reopening
May 20th (for most areas).
Groups of 50 allowed with social distancing, just about every business opens, and team sports are allowed to play.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Utah Leads Together.” It has a 2.0 and a 3.0 version as well.
Have They Fucked Up?
Ho boy, if you had asked us at the end of May we’d say no. Their economy has taken less of a hit than the average (then again, going by their economic health data points, Illinois, a much more restricted state, is doing better than most states, while Oklahoma, which has been much more aggressive with opening, is doing worse than most).
But hey this is fun! Because circumstances chance so fast! When we first wrote about this, we were seeing a pretty strong surge. They saw the most cases in a single day on June 5th, or fifteen days after Phase Two was implemented. And June 6th saw even more cases. But the last few days have seen sharp downturns. So we’re hoping that continues, but Utah is currently up for grabs.
Vermont
Vermont is one of the smallest states in the nation, in terms of size and population, and they’ve had one of the fewest cases per capita in the nation.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 25th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
Construction and manufacturing opened up, with crews of 10 or fewer.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 18th.
Most retail was allowed to open with restrictions.
Third Phase of Reopening
May 22nd.
Restaurants were allowed to reopen for dine-in. Churches opened on the 23rd at 25% capacity. HAIR STUFF opened on the 29th, and on June 1st gyms and “close-contact businesses” were allowed to open.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Have They Fucked Up?
No.
They saw a small spike recently, but that’s because having 36 cases on June 4th was enough to be a “spike” for them.
Virginia
Ugh we have to talk about Virginia now? Let’s just go to the data.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 30th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
HAIR STUFF opened with restrictions. Restaurants were allowed 50% capacity for outdoor seating only. Certain non-essential retail jumped from 10-person limit to 50% capacity. Gatherings remained limited to 10 (as was the case during shelter-in-place).
Second Phase of Reopening
June 4th (and June 12th for northern Virginia).
Restaurants and breweries opened at 50% capacity. All retail opened at 50% capacity, as well as all “personal care” services (which apparently include tattoo parlors). Pools opened with limited use, gyms at 30% capacity, and museums, zoos, aquariums and outdoor venues can open with social distancing. Finally, churches were allowed to operate at 50% capacity.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Recover, Redesign, Restart 2020.” Bit of a mouthful, right?
Have They Fucked Up?
So they randomly didn’t report any data on May 6th, and they peaked kind of late (they had their most cases on a consistent basis at the end of May). But they’ve been steadily dropping down in cases. If Phase Two doesn’t lead to a huge spike we’ll say they didn’t fuck up. That said..they’ve been seeing a slow rise in the past few days. Might want to keep an eye on that.
Washington
Washington was home to the first confirmed case of COVID (though by the time you read this, who knows there could be some random retroactive case discovered). We don’t have anything really more to say here? Oh, here’s a funny song about Seattle sucking (a stance we don’t necessarily endorse).
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 23rd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 12th.
The first phase was pretty restricted. Some parks opened, retail could operate as curbside pickup only, and duos were allowed to golf. It also let construction continue, though no gatherings of any size were allowed.
Second Phase of Reopening
~May 27th.
This is hard to track for us, because they opened for Phase Two on a county-by-county basis, and some even got to go to Phase Two before Phase One got put in place. But we’ll just say May 27th is when they started opening things up as most counties needed to show progress over a 14 day stretch to apply for Phase Two.
Anyway, at this point, housecleaners could work, in-store retail was allowed, nail salons and HAIR STUFF opened, and restaurants could operate at 50% capacity. It also let gatherings of five occur.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 3rd.
While some counties are still stuck on Phase One, a few have already joined Phase Three. We’re going with June 3rd as our date here because that’s when the first six counties applied for it.
Those lucky enough to meet Phase Three criteria are allowed gatherings up to 50 people, 75% restaurant capacity, and bars opening at 25% capacity. Movie theaters open at 50%, and pretty much everything is open (with restrictions) other than nightclubs and events larger than 50 people.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Safe Start.”
Have They Fucked Up?
Washington basically had to be the first state to handle this whole crazy deal, so they were kind of flying by the seat of their pants for this. While they were the hardest hit state for a while, they managed to contain it relatively well, all things considered. So in general we’d say they managed to contain things about as well as they could have hoped.
That said, when we first started this article, cases had started to rise again. And they still are…but very slightly. If it stays at current levels or starts going down again, it’ll appear that Washington is going okay.
West Virginia
West Virginia didn’t see a single reported case until March 17th. And they still shut stuff down a week later. That’s surprisingly pragmatic, and as a reward for that, we will stop ourselves from making a bunch of hillbilly jokes about West Virginia, easily the most hillbilly state in America. Oh, shit, sorry, our bad.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
April 30th.
West Virginia’s plan, which has a very dumb name that we’ll discuss shortly, was launched with the intention of a phased out six week plan. So on the 30th, elective medical procedures and outpatient health care services were opened. Pretty minor.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
Businesses with 10 employees or fewer opened, as well as nail salons, pet groomers, and HAIR STUFF. Outdoor dining was allowed, as well as in-person church services.
Third Phase of Reopening
May 12th.
Gyms and drive-in movie theaters opened up. These seem like two very different events that have very different infection risk factors, but hey.
Fourth Phase of Reopening
May 21st.
Indoor dining opened at 50%, aw well as indoor shopping malls.
Fifth (Ugh, Kentucky Much?) Phase of Reopening
May 26th
Bars opened at 50%, as well as museums and zoos.
Sixth (Dammit, Chill West Virginia) Phase of Reopening
June 8th
Youth sports and adult sports facilities (like basketball courts) opened up.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“West Virginia Strong — The Comeback.”
Why does this seem less like the name of a reopening plan and more like a shitty sequel to a movie no one wanted to see made in the first place?
Have They Fucked Up?
Naw. They’ve done pretty well. There was a bit of a second peak toward the end of May, but only three states have had fewer cases-per-capita.
Their plan’s name still sucks, though.
Wisconsin
Wisconsin has been a mess. Just a pure fucking mess.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 24th.
First Phase of Reopening
Um, May 13th we guess?
That’s when the Supreme Court decided that shelter-in-place orders are ILLEGAL. Basically 44 states saw a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic and were like, “So, um, we might have to make some sacrifices just a short time to save some lives” and Wisconsin was like “DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO WE’RE DRUNK ON CHEESE ANE BEER.”
So some parts of the state basically are wide open, while cities are doing their own plans. In Milwaukee for example, their third phase of opening occurred on June 5th, which opened businesses to 50% capacity, let restaurants and bars open at 25% capacity. Meanwhile, Green Bay kind of shut everything down for two months and on May 20th were like, “Okay, everything’s open, we trust you’ll do some stuff to keep people safe.”
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Nope. They don’t even have a plan. Ever since their Supreme Court ruled that stay-at-home orders are illegal or whatever, shit’s been kind of a free-for-all up there.
Have They Fucked Up?
We’ll be generous and say “not necessarily.” They definitely peaked pretty late, and you’d have to imagine that they wouldn’t be seeing their highest single-day total in June if there were maybe some ground rules in place. But there are a lot of rural areas in the state, which are more spread out and didn’t get hit too hard, and the cities kind of took matters in their own hands, and their rates have been dropping for the last week or so.
So if that continues to drop, then they’ll have pulled it off decently. Though they are ever so slightly trending upwards.
Wyoming
We’ll just leave this here.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 25th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 1st.
Nail salons, gyms, tattoo parlors, HAIR STUFF and elective surgeries were allowed. Gatherings were limited to ten people.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 15th.
Bars and restaurants opened with restriction (basically “table size limits, tables have to be spaced by 6 feet”) as well as movie theaters and child care. Religious institutions and funeral homes can have up to 25 people, with social distancing.
Oh also, lol, strip clubs opened.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 15th.
There might have been another reopening between these two, since Wyoming kind of went after the reopening thing pretty hard, but we couldn’t find any. But as of, well, today, schools can open, and groups of 250 people are allowed, indoors, with social distancing.
But don’t worry if you want a non-socially distanced party, you’re allowed to have 50 people bunched together. Faith gatherings can open without restrictions, and parades are allowed, but why the fuck would you want one? Parades are trash.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
They have a general plan, but no, they decided they didn’t need to brand it. That’s a perfectly fine choice to make. Hint hint, West Virginia.
Have They Fucked Up?
The short answer is no, but the long answer is, a tiny bit. The state with the smallest population had more cases per-capita than Hawaii, Montana, Alaska, West Virginia, Oregon, and Puerto Rico. And they’re also starting to nudge upwards, so we think they maybe got a bit too comfortable with their whole “sparsely populated large state” thing.
That said, we can’t really give too much shit to a state that’s seen more than 30 cases in a day only once, back in April.
Washington D.C.
Yeah that’s right baby, we’re not sticking to states we’re doing ALL of America! Well okay we’re sure there’s probably some random island that we technically own that we’ll forget.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 30th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 29th.
Parks reopened, groups of 10 were allowed, and restaurants could serve food outdoors.
Second Phase of Reopening
Potentially June 19th.
They’ve not reached the second phase yet, which allows gatherings of 50 people and opens up gyms, camps, museums and indoor dining at restaurants.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“ReOpen DC.” To the point.
Have They Fucked Up?
Just a tiny bit. They shut things down on the same day as Maryland and Virginia, but that was a solid week after a lot of East Coast hotspots took the hint. As a result, they have a higher per-capita rate than states like Illinois or Louisiana.
Now, that said, it is literally just a city, which is destined to have a very high rate of cases, and once they shut things down they did practice caution with their reopening plan. They peaked around May 7th, and have been steadily decreasing in cases since then, which is encouraging.
American Samoa
Haha yup that’s right we’re still going. Our writing staff is so mad that this post isn’t over yet.
Shelter-in-Place Date
Nope
First Phase of Reopening
Naw
Second Phase of Reopening
Niet.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Nein.
Have They Fucked Up?
So listen, they technically have zero confirmed cases, and they make anyone who comes to the island quarantine for two weeks. So no, they haven’t at all. But also, we have no way to know how they’re doing since they’re not able to test for it there, which is kind of wild.
Guam
Since the New York Times doesn’t seem to CARE ABOUT GUAM we’ve had to get more creative with our chart here.
Shelter-in-Place Date
Didn’t have one, but March 25th saw an issue of a state of emergency.
First Phase of Reopening
May 10th.
Malls, HAIR STUFF, shopping centers and flower shops (???) opened at 50% capacity.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 29th.
Dine-in restaurants, churches, yoga and pilates (haha, priorities), and dance businesses open. Is Guam a super active culture? Like they’re real thirsty to open up a bunch of exercise-y stuff that’s not just gyms.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 8th.
Food courts, gyms, pools, and water parks opened with protocols.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Chålan Para Hinemlo” which means “Road to Recovery.”
Have They Fucked Up?
Depending on the data source, either “most definitely” or “absolutely not.” New York Times’ data claims they have 1,153 cases, which on a per-capita basis marks them with more cases than Michigan and Pennsylvania. That would be a fuck up.
That said, we have no idea where the New York Times is getting that data from, since Guam itself has reported a shade under 180 cases (though both NYT and Guam are about the same on total deaths, with one listing that number as 6, and the other listed as 5). And if that’s the case, then they have not fucked up.
We’re kind of assuming that it is, in fact, the New York Times who fucked up here, since 1,000 cases with 6 fatalities seems almost impossibly low compared to every other state and territory. Vermont had about the same amount as the New York Times says Guam had, and they’ve had almost ten times as many fatal cases. Also, you know Guam’s reporting it as 174, so we’re going to give them the benefit of the doubt. So, good job Guam?
U.S. Virgin Islands
Why live on the Virgin Islands when you can go to the U.S. GETTING LAID ISLANDS AMIRITE?
…We’ll show ourselves out…
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 23rd.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
Gyms, tennis courts, golf courses, bowling alleys, and movie theaters opened with restrictions. Hair salons and massage therapists opened for appointment only. We’ve stopped ourselves from making jokes about how why so many states specifically talk about opening up massage parlors, but then we realized, honestly, if ever a time we as a nation collectively needed a massage, it was now. So carry on.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 26th.
Restaurants and bars opened with restrictions. That’s mostly because on June 1st….
Third Phase of Reopening
June 1st.
THEY’RE OPEN FOR TOURISM! THIS SEEMS LIKE A BAD IDEA!
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Not that we can find. May we suggest “Popping Our Cherry.” We’ll…yeah we’ll show ourselves out. We’re sorry. We’ve spent way too much time on this article.
We actually did find the name, which is “Path to a New Normal” but we wanted to keep this previous paragraph here, so that the shame of it can inspire us to do better.
Have They Fucked Up?
No. They’ve had a TOTAL of 72 cases as of the writing of this article. And as much as we think it’s kind of dumb to open up to tourism, we doubt you’ll see a lot of people comfortable enough to go there.
Also, credit where credit’s due, they put a shelter in place order, despite being a remote island, when some states on the mainland actually were like “naw why do that?” They shut things down on a day with zero cases (the day before they peaked with 11 positive cases), which was a full week before Virginia and Washington D.C. Hell Pennsylvania waited eight more days to shut down, and they have over 80,000 cases.
So yeah, good job Virgin Islands. Just don’t ask us to try to point you out on a map.
Northern Mariana Islands
Ugh we could have totally skipped this one any one one would have called us out. We couldn’t even find a chart. Admittedly because a total of 30 people have tested positive.
Shelter-in-Place Date
None, though an emergency order was put in place around March 13th.
First Phase of Reopening
We don’t know. This one was impossible to research. We literally have been calling them the Northern Marinara [Editor’s Note: we literally on July 5th realized that we never put anything down to finish whatever joke we were thinking of here]
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
“Community-Focused Economic Recovery Plan” which clearly was named by a FUCKING NARC. It’s a boring, narc name, is what we’re trying to say.
Have They Fucked Up?
They’ve had 30 cases. Total.
They’re fine.
Puerto Rico
We feel that we should point this out because, since Puerto Rico isn’t a state (honestly, it should be) and GASP they HABLA ESPANOL , a decent chunk of Americans don’t realize that Puerto Rico is an unincorporated territory with a population of over 3 million. If it were a state, it’d be the 31st largest state. And it has the third largest population density in America, behind only Washington D.C. and New Jersey.
Shelter-in-Place Date
March 26th.
First Phase of Reopening
May 4th.
They let taxis start running, while opening hardware stores by appointment, and laundromats for pickup service only. There were other businesses that opened, but these are the ones we felt were most important, which lets you know how inconsequential this opening was.
Second Phase of Reopening
May 26th.
Beaches, restaurants, hair salons, churches and shopping areas opened at a limited capacity.
Third Phase of Reopening
June 8th.
Malls opened. Though we should also note that they’ve implemented a curfew from 7PM to 5AM throughout this entire thing that expires, well, June 15th, a.k.a. today.
Does Their Plan Have a Name?
Nope.
Have They Fucked Up?
Sure, they’re technically at a slight peak, but Puerto Rico’s done pretty well all things considered. Admittedly, it’s on an island, so it’s easier to quarantine, maybe? But they shut things down pretty early (on a day that they had 13 cases) and they’re near the bottom of the list in terms of cases-per-capita (Wyoming, Vermont, and Idaho all have more cases by that metric).
Now we could close out with some overarching statement, like, “we’ve spent 17,000 word wasting your time here, and we’ve found that states that did one thing were the ones who NAILED IT.”
Haha, we’re not going to do that, because this whole thing has been random and exhausting for pretty much everyone. There’s no lesson! This took a long time to write! If you think “being told to wear a mask in public” is a violation of your rights, you should have a pineapple fully shoved up your ass, you suck as a person! Byeeee!
America Fun Fact of the Day 
Thanks for your work! Great information.
I feel like after all that hard work, what you probably want and need is someone to come along and point out that you misspelled Henry David Thoreau’s last name in the Colorado section, because after seeing all the ways people have fucked things up, you should rest assured you’re one of us, too. And nothing says “quality readership” like the asshole stopping by to type
you’re*
Honestly, thanks for catching that. That’s the risk you run when you start writing after your third stiff whiskey.
I hate you for making me read all these words with your charts and numbers. I love you for the very same reason! I just wanted to say thank you for putting in so much work and effort to make this boring info actually entertaining!
That is all, carry on. I mean it, carry on!
An Oregonian here. Gov. Brown has done a decent job of actually paying attention to evidence and proceeding accordingly, & I’m glad she did put the brakes on reopening. Most residents were quick to comply and cooperate with one another. Testing is also much more readily available now.
That said, I’m sorry to say that, as outdoorsy as many of us are, I think we are collectively having a bad case of cabin fever/quarantine fatigue, and oh boy, does it show. Psychologically, I think a lot of us are feeling frustrated with and tired of quarantine, even though intellectually, continuing to quarantine makes total sense.
TL;DR: I must agree with your assessment.
Anyway, thanks for putting in the work, effort, and snark into this article and making it informative and entertaining! (Kudos also to the Farker who posted your article and helped me find your site! 😀 )
You have “peek” twice, where you meant “peak” both times. The rest is great!
Thanks for the heads up- that’s corrected. If Stealth Mountain still existed on Twitter we’d be getting put on blast for sure
At least the admit they “write stupid articles.” This one being a rather good example of “stupid,” as well as being needlessly profane. Reads as if written by a 10th grader who thinks he/she/xe knows everything.
As promised, to anyone who feels compelled to comment their displeasure with this article- you can fuck right off, no one cares about your old man takes. You literally read an article called “Who Fucked Up” and decided to complain that it was “Needlessly Profane.” Fuck off, Joel, no one likes you here.
Washington DC’s phase 1 Reopening date (March 30) was a day before they Sheltered in Place (March 31)??
Good catch, the chart had it as May, we wrote the wrong M month because bourbon. Though we have the dates as 30th shelter in place, 29th of May for reopening- let us know if you think it should be 31 and 30 instead.
LOVED this article, very informative and funny and spot-on. One minor spelling fuck up though, I know it had to be from crossed-eyes over the many phases of Kentucky, but speaking of… it’s spelled, “Eighth.” Cheers!
Listen we write all of these drunks, and any editing you do is fully appreciated by our staff. That’s a particularly bad typo, but we’ll fix it, and we appreciate it Kelly
Thank you so much for putting this together. Definitely worthwhile, and I hope you are able to keep it updated. I do think NY and NJ should get special FU’d awards for putting Covid patients in the long term care facilities. There is an excellent article on this from May 12 on a blog called political calculations. As someone from Illinois who would prefer longer stay at home dates, we’ll see how we do ultimately.
Good job, lotta damn work. I had fun reading it though, being 71, I took a nap near the end.
That’s an honestly deserved nap. We took like 15 while writing it
One more whiskey induced error to report. In Puerto Rico, under second phase of reopening you wrote March when you meant may.
Great run down. I can’t believe I sat here and read this whole thing, but seriously really good job putting this stupid amount if information together. I’m from Nevada and I think that we should have reopened the rurals and kept the big areas (I’m looking at you reno, carson city, and Vegas) closed for a while longer. However, no body did very good with the stay at home orders.
Fixed! And your assessment seems pretty spot on from what we’ve seen. Thanks for the assist!
Love this, thanks for the laugh today.
Sitting in CT here and we didn’t delay Phase 2 – it happened early on June 17 so businesses could take advantage of Father’s Day weekend.
Thanks for the reading, and thanks for the heads up- edit=made!
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A satire blog, (with a lot of grammar errors), writing about a serious health topic with little to no cited resources. Wow. What could go wrong? To whoever runs this blog – Go join Reddit or Quora! At least there, users will be able to help you get certain things right. Then again, you likely really need the two dozen “what a job!” comments to help you feel like you have some kind of purpose (given the other articles on this site…unlikely!). Don’t worry though, I’m going to help you and your rubbage blog. I’ve taken screenshots of this article and some of your recent posts to be published across a few actually trafficked websites. Sure, I’ll be using the blog as an example of how it’s shit data. But hey, you’ll get more traffic! which I feel like you could use as many “well done chap” responses as you can get! And I guess more whiskey?! Don’t worry when you join Reddit, there’s sobriety threads on there too. Cheers chap!
An emoji responder (with a lot of factual errors), writing in response to a 2-year-old post with 234 source links on a free website with an unpaid staff, claiming said post has “no cited resources” and who listed “reddit.com” as their email address on their rambling comment…like, are…you okay?
Emoji Fist…are…you…okay?
Yes, this article got…a lot of traffic, which is not something we expected or wanted, and most unfortunately brought you to our site, where, CHAP, you could brag about how you have heard of Reddit and Quora. You know, those sites that are very well known to anyone over the age of six. CHEERIO CHIP CHIP or whatever, you 100% absolute restraining order waiting to happen.
You are commenting on a 2 year old blog post like it violated your grandmother. It’s not a good look for you. Though we guess going full “UM GRAMMAR ERRORS” on a 40K word webpost tells us all we need to know about you. Sorry you’re not fun at parties, CHAP
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