“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”
~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food
Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own. It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens. Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.
Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article. In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world. We were interested. Would they include Armenia? Botswana? Oh, God, Latvia?
What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet. Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.
Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com
We don’t know much about thetoptens.com, and we’re frankly too drunk and angry to find out. We just know that this list, compiled by someone named “Inception”, purports to tell us what the 10 worst food countries are. There is no real copy with these list, just a bunch of comments by the readers of the website who range from “idiot mouth breathers” to “sensible people who are commenting how dumb this list is.” Which, as you’ll see, is so dumb. To give you an idea of how completely idiotic this list is, there’s another list of the 10 best food countries, and of those top 10, seven are featured on the “worst food” list. Inception, you’re a fucking moron. Anyway, here are the supposed 10 worst culinary nations out there, according to an internet that the internet foolishly gave voice.
We can get on board with this. We’ve not written about Ukraine as the most depressing food in the world…yet. Pretty much anything from the former Soviet Bloc is going to have a history of just sad potato and meat stews to its tradition. That said, if this is what you’re setting us up at with number 10, we’ve got to hope that the rest of your list is filled with just the saddest, grossest food countries.
…Okay. Huh. This…is an odd choice? Swedish food strikes us as, at best something that fans of lingonberries would love and at worst something so unmemorable that most of you don’t even have an idea of what would constitute Swedish food outside of IKEA meatballs. Like, one of our staffers had a Swedish breakfast once and said it was pretty good? No matter what, this seems pretty…inoffensive. No way is it worse than Ukrainian food.
Oh come the fuck on now, are you serious? Listen, we’ve written about the worst Japanese food for so long we have literally over a dozen articles called “Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong” and we’re still here to say that you clearly have no fucking clue about the food of the world if you think Japan is the 8th worst in the world. That’s a legitimately dumb opinion. Some people say there’s no such thing as a wrong opinion. The author of this list probably is one of those people. That is the kind of bullshit participation trophy bullshit spouted by people who actively have wrong opinions. “Japan, the inventor of Sushi and the home of more Michelin starred restaurants than any country other than France? Yeah, their food sucks!” is something that you say if A- you’ve never eaten sushi because your reaction to it was “eww, raw fish” (meaning that you are like seven years old) or B- you’re an idiot listmaker who only knows like, 13 countries in the whole world, and so you gotta find a way to flesh out this shitty top 10 list you’re working on.
We’re going to assume in this instance, it’s both.
Okay, seriously? Has the guy behind this list even eaten Indian food, aka literally the only thing that AFFotD staffers and vegetarians can agree upon, or did he once watch Slumdog Millionaire and think, “Man, I wouldn’t want to eat any food from there!” What the hell is even happening?
Listen, if you talk any shit about Mexican food we will fly out to Dublin and beat you into a coma with an oversized burrito, do not fucking test us, Inception.
Finally, a moment of sanity to interrupt this otherwise mindless, inane list. Russian food is pretty bad. Like, you can go to other countries and find Mexican, Indian, and Japanese restaurants pretty easily. The only way you can find a Russian restaurant in the states is to look for a crying woman in a babushka and follow her when she goes in for dinner at 5PM. This, of course, makes this the 2nd acceptable entry out of 6 so far. This list is a garbage fire.
Oh, fuck you. No. We’re not even going to address how fucking idiotic this is. Seriously? No. Fuck off. We hope you mangle your hands in a machinery accident and lose the ability to type, Inception.
We’re just going to assume that the guy making this list is racist at this point. Like, we objectively know from living in this world that Chinese food is good. And yes, we also objectively know that what most Americans eat as Chinese food is actually American in origin. But we also know that people like to stereotype Chinese food by saying shit like “they eat dogs” and that has to be the only reason why this is on the list, and that high. And by the way, “Chinese people eat dogs” is a thing that is exclusively said by people who are racist against Chinese people. We’re on record of being anti-China, but that has nothing to do with the people of China, that’s us trying to make sure they don’t succeed in taking over our country in the next 30 years, because Mandarin is hard as shit and we don’t want to learn it. Anyway, you’re being racist, Inception. Stop.
2: United States
Oh, you’ve gone done it now. You’ve. Gone. Done. It. Now. Here’s the thing—other nations like to call Americans closed-minded (only the few and the brave of us are) while at the same time they go on and on about how American food is so awful. “It’s just grease and cardboard.” “It’s just sugar and salt, they don’t actually TASTE anything.” “No one in America even knows how to cook, they just go to McDonald’s every day and get fat.” “Their bread is weirdly sweet.” All of that is complete bullshit (well, except for the bread thing, but hey, at least our bread lasts longer than two days before turning into a fucking brick). The kind of people that say, “I visited America once” *gives a “oh fuck off” look* “and the one time I went, the portions were so huge and everything was so greasy” are the kinds of Americans that go to France and only eat at their hotels and at museums. America has a lot of world class restaurants, but also, they have the most diverse selection of food styles of any other nation. You can go to the East Coast, the South, the Midwest, and the West Coast and find numerous rewarding culinary styles, while still finding innovative fusion restaurants everywhere you go.
People assume all Americans are obese people eating Big Macs three times a day, just like they assume that every American is basically a character on Duck Dynasty. It’s bullshit. You get mad at us for making sweeping generalizations about your countries (the French are cowards, the British have bad teeth, Italians talk with their hands like all the fucking time, Greek people will pay you a bribe if you ask them politely, etc) and then you say shit like, “Oh, American food is so bad, one time I ate a hamburger with a donut for a bun, and it tasted very good but it was very unhealthy.” Do you fuckers think that carnival food is our everyday diet? You know we have farms, right? Like a lot of farms? It’s not like our nuclear families are saying grace around a bowl full of twinkies and a pitcher of Slushee syrup.
Listen, you ungrateful fucks, we perfected pizza and hamburgers, two dishes that can turn into greasy cardboard messes, but that can also become transcendent indulgences when prepared the right way. We’ve got hot dogs, and cheesesteaks, and grits, and crab cakes, and cobbler, and, oh fuck Barbecue and, oh Jesus, Cajun food. WE HAVE MAC AND CHEESE! Goddamn it. For reference sake, the other list on this site, pointing out the best countries for food, have America at #7, which is still way too low, because of all you fuckers trying to drag it down by saying shit like, “I met an American once who thought you used a potato peeler to peel an onion, they know nothing of food!” First of all, that was an actual comment we found on this page, and secondly that American was clearly fucking with you because you’re the kind of twat that says, “You could lock an American in a room for two weeks with a pile of fresh food and they would starve.”
American food isn’t perfect, but everyone in the world, no matter their dietary preferences or individual tastes, could go to America and, with some searching, go to a restaurant that would serve them their favorite meal they’ve ever had in their life. That’s kind of why America is great. And why you’re an ignorant, culturally lazy goober if you think American food and Fast food are interchangeable.
1: Great Britain
Oh, England? Okay, yeah, that’s pretty accurate. The rest of this list can fuck itself, though.