“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”
Beer is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache. But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more. And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then. Because who wants bad beer? Date rapists? The French? Spuds McKenzie?
Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer. How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America? These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list. We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).
Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding. That’s why we present you…
WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)
While we understand there is a difference between a cheap beer and a quality, but more expensive, beer, we are here to urge you to think about your alcohol purchases logically. Just like a lottery winner might not realize that taking their winnings in one lump, reduced sum is actually going to net you more money than having the full amount slowly handed out to you over 20 years, American drinkers have to realize that the more expensive beers will also get them drunker for their money, while greatly removing the beer-heavy hangover you get from pounding a case of Coors. Remember America- certain beers may be cheap, but so are prostitutes that have latex allergies.
But if you won’t listen to us, we have no choice but to list all the top selling beers in America and tell you exactly what’s wrong with them enough that you will feel shame if you ever try to buy it from a liquor store in the future.
That’s right, we’re going to shame you into drinking good beers. You’re fucking welcome.
#1: BUD LIGHT (19.2% Market Share)
If we said something like “Bud Light is poison” you’d probably have a decent share of people rushing to say, “Hey man, Bud Light’s cheap!” or “Wait, did you say ‘Bud Light is poison’ or that you poisoned my Bud Light, because I’m feeling sort…” before crashing to the floor unconscious. The people that think that Bud Light is quality beer are the same people who think that chemical castration is a spa treatment. This is a beer so foul that they decided to make a version of it with more alcohol just so you could forgive them for making you drink it.
Bud Light is a beer that, in theory, makes you less fat than regular Budweiser, while trying to convince America that the calories are taken away by doing something other than making it less alcoholic. But it’s not. It’s a scientific fact that caloric intake doesn’t count when alcohol is involved. Just take our word for it, we know we’re right about that. Don’t try to Google it or anything, it won’t show up, it’s from a super obscure medical journal, but it’s totally true.
Anyway, Bud Light tastes someone filled a bottle with gutter water and decided to pour Splenda in it to get just the right level of gross sweetness. And it’s responsible for nearly 20% of the US Beer market. The fuck you guys?
#2: BUDWESIER (12%)
Hey, but at least Bud Heavy doesn’t try to pass itself off as some sort of diet drink, right? It’s the king of beers! It’s brewed by Americans and…or wait, that’s right, it’s actually run by a Belgo-Brazilian multinational beverages company.
But, it’s got the finest ingredients, right? Barleys, Hops, 30% bland, flavor destroying, cheap filler rice. Wait, what?
So not only are we giving 20% of our business to these corner-cutting Euro-South-Americans with how much Bud Light we buy, but we’re letting regular Bud get in there too with another 12% of a market share? What the hell are we doing here, America? Budweiser may be 5% alcohol, but the remaining 95% is composed of trucker hat material and factory-rejected beer cozies. In trying to figure out what to use as their logo, it ended up coming down to a last minute decision between a crown and an empty keg at a shotgun wedding. And they meant to choose the shotgun wedding keg, the head of their in-house advertising was so preoccupied thinking of frogs and horses that he accidentally checked the wrong box.
We’re not saying that if you prefer to drink Budwesier that you’re somehow a bad person, but we are saying that you’re someone who likes the taste of prison wine, but who also likes their drinks to be slightly less alcoholic.
#3: MILLER LITE (8.6%)
Miller Light is more American than Budweiser, which is like saying that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a larger penis than Danny Devito. You’d assume that would be correct, but if you had to do your due diligence to find out for sure, you’d think less of yourself at the end of the day. Yes, Miller chooses to misspell “Light” to please our American sensibilities. And while it’s ultimately run by a collaboration between Canadian and British brewers, the actual company that brews the beer is headquartered in good old Chicago, Illinois.
But that’s where we draw the line. The most common piece of internal dialogue you hear when someone orders a Miller Lite at a bar is, “Well, this bar is shitty and expensive, so I might as well get what’s on special.” Miller Lite actually has about 40% less calories than Bud Light, to which we would retort, “Oh good for you, what do you want, a fucking medal?”
(No Miller, shut the fuck up about your gold medals– saying you got a gold medal for “Best American-Style Light Lager” sounds to us like that movie where Johnny Knoxville pretended he was retarded to win the special Olympics.)
4: COORS LIGHT (7.8%)
Everything we said about Miller Lite can be said about Coors Light, only they can’t even muster enough effort to try to win fake awards, or make their beer taste like anything other than lightly filtered tap water with a quarter of a shot of Everclear in it. If Miller Lite were Matt Damon, then Coors Light would be Ben Affleck. Only in this case, Matt Damon is some dude who got his name in the newspaper for storming a White Sox game and punching a Kansas City Royals coach, and Ben Affleck is a drunk dude that turns blue when he gets cold enough.
Here’s something to keep in mind next time Coors launches a commercial campaign about how the letters inside the mountain will turn colors when it gets super extra awesome cold—the best way to mask the flavor of something that’s awful is to make it really cold. So when you hear “two stage cold activation” what you should really hear is “this company spent millions of dollars researching products to let you know at what point you won’t taste the beer anymore.”
Which, if you don’t care about the taste, and just want the alcohol in your system, why don’t you start chasing rubbing alcohol with Listerine, like an adult? Don’t worry, the blindness normally goes away in a few days.
#5: NATURAL LIGHT (4.2%)
Natty Light would probably be higher on this list, in terms of usage, if colleges didn’t have so many damn rules on the books against hazing students. Natural Light is one of the only beers on this list that has an entire section devoted to it in the Geneva convention. No one knows what happens if you drop a lit match into a vat of Natural Light, because no one will do it once they’ve reached the step in the brewing process where they add processed human waste to the swill. If someone ever tells you that Natty Light is your favorite beer, we have bad news—you’ve been tricked. That’s not an actual person, it is a fully sentient Greek letter, and it’s already spiked your drink. If you’re over the age of 22 and accidentally drink a Natty Light, it’s too late for you. When you wake up you will find your apartment replaced by a trailer, and your job replaced by a domestic abuse charge. This is how the Natural Light brewmaster gets his powers so he can focus on world domination.
Natty Ice is a shitty beer, basically.
#6: CORONA (4%)
Corona doesn’t even pretend to be American, so of course we’re not going to take a shining to it. Corona is the most popular export beer into America, but we don’t hate them for joining the fraternity of “totally shitty beers that Americans buy a lot of for some stupid reason.” No, there are just so much better beers out there that it saddens us that Corona managed to win the arms race by doing everything in their power to make their beer worse.
Here are the facts—Corona put itself in a clear bottle to make it look different than the other beers. Which is great, except for the fact that the reason why most beers are in brown bottles is so they can block out sunlight, since if you expose beer to sunlight it creates a chemical reaction that actually creates 3-methyl-2-butene-1-thiol, which is what actual skunks use as odor defense. So Corona packages its beer in a manner to make it more likely to turn into sulfur. Awesome.
And of course Corona puts corn in their beer. Of course they do that. Because corn is a cheap filler, and no one’s really giving a shit about the taste of the beer so long as they establish that you can jam a lime in there to cover up the skunked flavor and have your beer taste like a slightly alcoholic lime drink. If you need to put a lime in your beer to enjoy the taste of it, that might just be a sign that you happen to like the taste of lime in carbonated beverages. Which puts Corona somewhere between “Sprite” and “Sprite with vodka in it” as a tasty way to get drunk.
#7: BUSCH (2.8%), #8: BUSH LIGHT (2.8%)
It seems fitting that Busch and Bush Light both have the exact same market share. That’s because every time you’ve had Busch in your life (hint, it was probably during a drinking game, in a red cup, at a party where you had been advised not to drink the jungle juice) you haven’t known if it was Busch or Busch Light. Don’t lie and say you knew the difference. You didn’t. It’s like telling the difference between water coming from a Brita Filter and or a Pur, only the water sort of gets you buzzed, makes you feel really full, and gives you a hangover the next day even if you don’t get drunk off it. We really don’t like this list.
#9: HEINEKEN (2.4%)
Yeah, Heineken is the best beer on this list, but that’s like saying that Crash was the best movie to come out in 2004. Not particularly stiff competition. We’ll give these foreigners a pass on this one, since we do like the appearance the beer made in that My New Haircut video from like five years ago.
#10: Miller High Life (2.3%)
We’re done, America. Don’t worry we’ll get to work on a proper guide to beers you should drink, but until you get your game together, enjoy these shitty beers, along with all the bloated mornings and intestinal discomfort they’ll afford you. You brought this upon yourselves, America. We can’t clean every mess for you. For shame.
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I guess the author was born with special taste buds that the rest of america wasn’t. I get tired of people who drink specialty beers and craft beer turning their nose up at people who just want a cold beer and don’t want all that fancy filling vomit you refer to as better beer simply because it cost more and fills you up twice as fast. Get your head out of your ass. These horrible beers as you refer to are the top selling beers because that is what people like to drink.
Justin Bieber is a top selling musical artist becuase that’s what some people like to listen to. So we’re safe in assuming your favorite beer is Natty Ice and your favorite song is “Baby”? Good to know! Thanks for taking the time out of trying to fix your riding lawn mower to let us know that you like beer that can’t get you drunk!
No, Bieber is loved by oodling preteens and teens that just go with what is currently cool and looks pretty. Pretty much what all the “cool” kids are doing with more expensive beers. It is currently cool and it looks pretty. But these cheaper beers are closer to Pearl Jam or NWA; they are classics that most everyone knows, are dependable, and will be known for many more years to come.
The reason that these beers and Justin Bieber are so popular is marketing, not taste.
And ironically the words “pissing in a bucket” can apply to both the beers and Bieber
Anyone who defends tasteless, watery American beers needs a trip to Europe. Enough said.
OK lol Busch, Bud and corona are my favorite beers! Yup I guess us Blue Collar workers have low budget taste buds because to us those expensive beers taste like spices and molasses! I drink beer not to get drunk or for the whatever after taste you “real beer drinkers” are looking for! I just want to quench my thirst and relax after work! $15 for a 30 pack of Busch fits my budget nicely! Even if I hit lotto Busch would be my Beer of choice! expensive craft beer drinkers lol they are not beer drinkers! They are rich kids trying to be cool! Try keeping up with us real beer drinkers lol Hell I will even drink your beer and guess who will be still standing after 18-20 beers? Yes that would be me MR craft beer fancy pants!
Your implication that our staffers would not still be standing after 18-20 craft beers is a clear case of libel. Our attorneys will be contacting you for damages, as your blatantly untrue statement has potential to erroneously cost us thousands of advertising dollars as the Internet’s foremost experts on all things American. Consider yourself served, Dale Smith.
I like craft beer sometimes, but beer is beer. You drink it to catch a buzz not impress your douche friends
We couldn’t agree more. That’s why we’re writing about piss water that’s so low in alcohol you get full before you start to feel anything
This guy is a douche
I’ve been drinking craft beer for almost 2 decades. I’ve never drank one to impress anyone. I drink it because it tastes good (well, and the alcohol). The top 10 listed in this article taste horrible. Amazing how marketing can keep people so brainwashed.
I’d put Steel Reserve up against any craft beer as far as catching a buzz is concerned.
Granted, you have to be a borderline hobo and openly admit you’re an alcoholic in order to drink it, but goddammit it’ll get the job done.
To be fair, an even better bang for your buck is
Downside- pretty sure if you drink two of these in a night you go blind
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This list is pretty true although I had drank plenty of these when I was young. Micro brews give me a bad stomach ache, but there certainly are some good ones. Heineken was probably the worst swill ever made next to Bud Light. I don’t drink much, but if I do I usually drink a few Guiness and I am good to go.
I drink shit beers at home, or when camping, boating, at festivals, ball games, etc. When I’m at a craft place or brew pub, I always drink the IPA’s or craft beer, and try something new. It’s good to mix it up. Occasionally I buy something different for my everyday home beer, but usually it’s Budweiser, PBR, Bush. I like them all.
Wtf? Cheap beer has its place, similar to your poor writing style, not the best but it gets the job done. I felt like pounding a shit load of cheap beer just to forget the horse shit written that was only a sad attempt at writing a quality piece. Please, go back and edit your utter lack of trying to be a real wordsmith and don’t knock inexpensive beer because your some sort of elitist hipster wanna be. Try having a REAL drinking session with your “premium” beers and let us know how that hangover is. I promise you will be shitting yourself for a week and that feeling of having a few pounds of lead in your gut will be there along with the hangover. Premium beer has its place; drinking a few at a nice dinner or when you just want to kick back and sip on a sixer. I’ve been drinking beer for 25 years and I don’t even have any idea of how many different types or brands of beer I have drank but definitely more than 100from complete shit to “holy shit” and “premium” brews will give the same hangover or sometimes worse (Sierra Nevada barley wine for sure). I live 2 minutes from Sierra Nevada and have easy access to all their fine products but when we session the cheaper beers appear for a time tested reason. Maybe get a little more experience with beer and quit being a little bitch. You want to be a patriot? Drink the beers that built America, unchanged for over 100 years.
Yo Mc5cent, if you’re going to take digs on our “poor writing style” maybe try not to post an unhinged dumbass 250 word comment with, let’s count, 7 typos and grammatical errors. Sorry good beer makes you shit weird, you might want to see a doctor about that. What do you consider the “beers that built America, unchanged for over 100 years” by the way? Is it the macrobrew that’s owned by a Brazilian-Belgium multi-billion dollar corporation, or the one owned by South Africans and Canadians?
those lite beers suck. I like flavor which means NOT ice cold.
Everything said here is completely, 100% true. These beers are all cheap, overly filling, piss waters. I still drink some of them, but when i choose them, it’s because I choose cheap beer for several people. Micro brews are for me, piss water for groups. I will drink these after work occasionally, but they taste awful. Anyone who disagrees either hasn’t tried good micro brews, or has no taste buds. This List has to be one of the best expressions of these “beers”.
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