“THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!”
~Every infomercial ever
Of all the side effects of American consumerism, infomercials are by far one of the strangest to an outside observer. Apart from selling generally pointless items that will just end up gathering dust in your kitchen, American infomercials themselves exist in a strange alternate universe where everyone has the mental acuity of Forrest Gump but none of the coordination. Everyday tasks are so impossible to the actors, and watching them try to, say, make a salad, is like watching Stephen Hawking try to run a 5K after having his mind swapped with Sean Penn from I Am Sam.
There was, of course, a brief period in 2008 where infomercials were the apex of culture. The Snuggie had just started first-ironically-and-then-kind-of-unironically warming our households, Billy Mays had yet to snort enough cocaine to make his heart explode, and the Sham Wow guy was just an excitable guy with a lot of hair gel who, as far as we knew at the time, had absolutely no interest in beating up hookers. It truly was a golden age. But all of this was just a smokescreen, fooling us into thinking that infomercial products were worth our time for a reason other than pointing and laughing.
The fact of the matter is, for every Snuggie that people actually buy, there’s a magic poop wand that is only purchased by morbidly obese serial killers. And each and every one of these products are hilarious in their ineptitude. Since this is America, it seems only fitting that we put them on full display so we can make fun of them to make us feel better about the fact that half of our staff still watches TV on a bean bag. Because no matter how low we get, we’ll never feel like buying the following products.
America’s Hilariously Awful Infomercial Products
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Billy Mays, Cheers to you!, Forrest Gump, GLH, Golf, Happy Hot Dog Man, Hot Dog, infomercial products, Infomercials, Make Sure To Hover Your Mouse Over The Pictures In This Article, Potty Putter, Sean Penn, Sham Wow, Slobstopper, Snuggie, Stephen Hawking, Strange America, Tiddy Bear, Uroclub
“They say it’s unladylike to play professional sports. But, they also say it is unladylike to bite the head off of bats. Which I do just about everyday.”
~Babe Didrikson Zaharias
While flipping through some old timey newspapers, a few of our interns stumbled across a photo of one of the more American looking people they had ever seen. In a track and field uniform, with a snarl and a javelin, we saw a square jaw and a stare that said, “If you fucking touch me, I will end you.” It haunts us to this very day.
“Who is that guy, and what did we do to piss him off?” we all thought aloud (which is more “speaking” then “thinking” when you think about it). And as we studied this picture, wondering if we had unleashed some sort of voodoo vengeance curse upon the office, AFFotD’s “pretend to be in advertising guy” Jon Hamm came through with a sudden revelation.
“Holy shit, you guys. That’s a chick. That chick looks like she’d kill any of us for looking at her the wrong way.”
John Hamm was right. We could see the distinctive femininity (boobs) that was masked by her dead-cold death glare. After some digging, we discovered that this was none other than Babe Didrikson, two-time gold medalist, Hall of Fame golfer, and 5 time AP Female Athlete of the year.
We here at America Fun Fact of the Day came to the realization that in our entire history, we have not done a fun fact about a member of the fairer sex. There is no rhyme or reason behind it, other than the fact that statistically there are more male Lion Hunters than female Lion Hunters, but American History is chalked full of Sexy Ladies doing Dangerous Feats of Awesome. So it was high time we at least gave proper respect to one of them, especially if it looked like her eyes were hate raping us from beyond the grave.
On your mark, get set…don’t even fucking try it