“Heh. Penis.”

~Just About Every Male Vandal

It’s 2019 now, so why not start things off with the article that will finally cause Google to de-list us from their search engine? Listen, we’ve never been one to shy away from a dick joke.

Hell, we even wrote an entire article that was just a list of entertainers whose names are sort of dick jokes that have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A whole article! But in general, we like to keep our stuff respectable, decent, with just a few dick jokes scattered throughout our otherwise serious reporting. You know, serious reporting such as books about drinking pee, or weird burritos.

So if you think that jokes about male genitalia are “juvenile” or “un-refined” or “no, sorry, I just don’t really care for the taste of alcohol, that’s all” then you are more than welcome to read one of our many articles on topics that weren’t clearly suggested by giggling 14-year-olds. May we suggest our series on goofy photos of former presidents?

But for those of you who are still with us, we are here to talk about penis vandalism. Yes, much like the Netflix mockumentary American Vandal. Only, we’re not limiting ourselves to dicks drawn on a bunch of cars. (Seriously if you have not watched American Vandal, do so, you’ll appreciate it.) We’re looking much, much bigger (Heh. Nice).

Because sure, any amateur can carve a dick in freshly poured concrete, or into a school desk, or on a tree (preferably inside on of the giant TJ <3S AD hearts). But that’s small potatoes. This is the big league. And only a true master can pull off the following phallic phenomenon.

10 Places Humans Actually Decided to Draw a Dick

(warning, this article will contain many pictures of crudely drawn penises. So if a tall arch and two circles offends your sensibilities, here’s an article about how the recipe for Mac and Cheese was stolen from a slave who committed suicide at the age of 36. So yeah, maybe there are things other than 2-D dicks out there to get upset about maybe?)

Outside the Eiffel Tower

On a cold Paris winter day in France, 2010, a brave hero, who we are just assuming was American because, well, obviously, decided that with fresh snow comes fresh opportunity.

Mainly, they decided that the field directly outside the Eiffel Tower (you know, that place largely considered to be one of the most romantic destinations in the world, even though it’s just a cold, skinny triangle) would look a lot more romantic if it had a big dick drawn in it.

And, we think, the word “fuck?” “FK” are probably the initials of the vandal, but we’re choosing to believe it’s a bad angle, and we feel we can convince ourselves that there is a faint “U” in the middle as well.

If you’re looking for the Eiffel Tower in this picture, stop. This was taken from the Eiffel Tower, which makes it much more hilarious in our book. A Dutch tourist thankfully documented this beauty for us so that even nine years later we can look back and smile. Heh, dicks.

As a Christmas Light Display

Okay this one takes balls (*groan* we know, we’re sorry) we’ll admit that. Anyone can just draw or carve an anonymous phallus when they see the opportunity. It takes bluster to put up a dick, in lights, on your own house to celebrate the holiday season.

It’s basically a dick-shaped arrow telling the neighborhood who to blame. In this case, it’s a group of students renting out the house (because of course it’s students) out in England, likely attending Reading University.

Oh and the best part? They flicker. One neighbor told the Metro UK “The lights were flashing and it is so in your face, you can’t stop staring at it.” Is it too hack to put a “that’s what she said” joke in here?

A High School Football Field

We’ll give this one an A for effort and a B- for execution, but since the student responsible for putting a massive dick on the football field of his Brooksville, Florida high school got banned from marching at his graduation, we’ll give him a pass on the shaky lines.

Every high school in America has a tale about an “epic senior prank” that almost invariably never actually happened at their school, only to get disappointed when the closest thing to a prank anyone pulls is writing “school sucks” on a gym locker. At least students from Nature Coast Technical High School have a story they can remember forever. The time a student went out and drew a giant dick. It’s touching, really.

On a Golf Course

This, like the Christmas lights, happened in England, which leads us to think that England might almost be as dick-happy as us Americans. Almost. Here it appears we’ve got two dicks, though one was somewhat castrated, as it were. An unknown culprit broke onto the field and carved out the penises (penii?) with a spade, and disappeared into the night. And we thank them for it.

Hilariously, as the grass of a golf course is incredibly delicate, the owners of Boundary Lakes Golf Course in Hampshire begrudgingly had to leave the dicks be, and wait impatiently for the grass to “grow out on its own.”

At the Top of a Mountain

Now, here we have an instance of someone not carving a penis onto a mountain, but rather, carving a giant penis and placing it at the top of a mountain. It was put by some mystery artist on top of Mount Oetscher in Austria, and really, the logistics at play here are what are truly amazing.

It’s one thing to trample through snow and keep track of where you are in order to make a big old phallus, it’s quite the other to either A- carve out the wooden dick and drag it up to the top of the mountain, B- drag a piece of wood and carve it at the summit or C- find a big hunk of wood on the summit of a random mountain and think, “Okay, time to turn this into a dick!” Either way, that’s a lot of work, and it’s undoubtedly 100% worth it.

In a Dry Lake bed (Visible From Space)

Originally spotted by Google Maps, this dry lake bed in Australia became briefly famous when a giant dick was found so large it can be seen from space. The dried lake in question is Batoota Lake, which borders an abandoned ghost town, so whoever was able to make this clearly could do so pretty easily without anyone noticing.

Which both makes it less and more impressive—there’s less chance of getting caught, but it also leads us to wonder…how long was it there without anyone noticing? Some goddamn gorgeous psycho went out there, drew a massive dick in a dead lake, and then sat back and was like, “Now we play the waiting game…someday, somehow, someone will look above this area on Google Maps…and only then will my genius be realized.” That’s a long con right there, Steve (we assume all Australians are named Steve because, you know, Irwin) but we respect it.

In the Background of a Netflix Children’s Cartoon Show

Back in 2017, an episode of “Maya the Bee”, a children’s show that airs on Netflix, had to be pulled because, well, look up there. Some animator stuck a dick in there, and they got busted. We’re a bit torn on this one. Like, on one hand, it’s pretty fucked up to try to draw a dick in a show that’s only going to be watched by kids. On the other, you know that roughly zero kids noticed it, and of those zero kids, zero had any idea what it was. This is just there to make eagle-eyed parents flip their shit. And, well, we guess it worked?

In a Frozen Moat

Okay, so the best thing about this one, which was made in snow resting on top of ice in the Swedish town of Gothenburg, is that first someone drew a penis (not pictured, but you can find it here) and then, when that was removed, people got mad that it was taken down. So, the people who removed the original one worked together to make a new, even bigger penis. What a feel-good story for the holiday season!

In the Sky

The U.S. Navy has a long and storied history of bravery and valor, but Americans are always like “what have you done for me lately” and to that, we can say, they drew a giant penis in the sky for all to see, and it was amazing. Did the pilots who crafted this beauty get in trouble? Oh most certainly. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

But the craziest, most insane place humans have ever drawn a dick is hard to top. Because right now there’s a man-made dick on…

Mars

Yes that’s Mars, and yes, that’s real. Back in 2013, the Spirit and Opportunity rovers on Mars, which cost a combined $800 to make and send to the planet nine years prior, were going their routes and making routine photos leaving us with…this dick. Is it the most clumsy dick on this list? Sure, but come on, it’s being made by robots, sent by humans, nearly 34 million miles away.

Sure, it was “accidental” but let’s not let that stop us from appreciating the fact that we spent millions upon millions of dollars to draw a penis on the red planet. If you can think of anything more American than that, well, we’d like to see you try.