“It’s piss. The miracle cure is piss.”

~Spoilers

As red-blooded, coal-chewing, ripping-still-beating-hearts-out-of-deer’s-chests-and-biting-into-our-kill Americans, we usually have more important things to do than “read books.” Fuller House isn’t going to binge-watch itself, you know? That said, on occasion, we have found books so insane, so purely ridiculous, that we’ve felt like it’s been our duty to review it for the masses.

We’ve talked about DNA Nannies, a 1943 pamphlet from the War Department about employing women, the cringe-worthy pick-up artist guide Smooth Talking, and, of course, Kill All the Belgians. We’ve set the bar pretty high in terms of “how ridiculous does a book have to be to catch our attention” and, well, Americans, let us tell you. That bar has been passed by Martha M. Christy.

That’s because Your Own Perfect Medicine: The Incredible Proven Natural Miracle Cure that Medical Science Has Never Revealed is 221 pages gently demanding that you drink your own pee. And so, yeah, we had to read it. And tell you about it. Because as much as books are boring, books that try to make you pee into your mouth are hilarious. So let’s dive in.

AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

All of that. All about piss.

The second best part of Martha Christy’s opus would have to be the sheer power that she attributes to urine. There are claims that it cures cancer, AIDS, and tuberculosis, that it can kill the polio and rabies virus, and “sufficiently concentrated, it will kill gonorrhea bacteria.” We’re not saying that this is verifiable horse shit, but it’s at least verifiable horse piss.

But that’s not our favorite thing about this book. Our favorite thing is how long they take pussyfooting around the fact that this book is actively trying to make you drink your own urine. It’s pretty incredible, actually.

The free preview offered on Amazon skips from page 19 to page 30, and while we are not putting down actual money for a book on urine, let us assure you that the first 19 pages never use the word “urine” or any possible synonym for it. It’s somewhere between page 19 and 30 that the big “reveal” of what this “miraculous substance” is, and if you ask us that’s way too long to hold back the “we’re going to ask you to be drinking pee, we are sorry to say” purpose of the entire book.

The book starts with “an amazing untold story,” and we don’t know how it ends (listen, we know this is a book review, but how many book reviews did you do where you actually read the whole book? Oh, shut up, nerd) but it does not start out great. And hey, we feel for Martha here.

She basically spent 30 years of her life with a whole array of horrific and painful medical ailments, most of which were centralized in her ovaries, which apparently decided to wage a war against her, which is a real dick move on the ovaries’ part if you ask us. She…she really goes into detail with the stuff that was affecting her, which we understand, she’s trying to really highlight how miraculous drinking pee is, but we figured out pretty quickly that she was building up to “pee cured me”, so she really didn’t need to be so specific about the disastrous state of her downstairs.

Anyway, at some point she gets cured through her piss. If you have purchased this book and read us, please let us know if she specifies that piss saved her life. Because we suspect she just alluded to “a magical substance” that turned everything around, because the second chapter is filled with testimonials that flat out refuse to reference urine, piss, or anything like that. Just check this shit out.

“[This fluid]” are you serious? Are you worried someone is going to pick up your book, turn to the testimonials, see that these people are talking about your own personal bladder juice and be like, “Wait a minute, a book about pee as medicine? There’s no way I’m buying that! Now, if they had sort of eased into it over the course of a few chapters before talking about piss, then that would be a different story.”

Anyway, there are a few other sections of this book that you can preview. They do at least tell you that, to start, you don’t have to really drink that much piss. Just a few drops, diluted in water. Why, it’s almost like you’re drinking no piss at all! The chapter break-downs are as follows.

Chapter 3: This is your conspiracy theory chapter, wondering, hey, if piss is so great, why are the bigwigs in the community telling us to throw that shit in the toilet like SAPS. By the way, the book contains the following line discussing the chapter—“We’ll also discuss more about why the use of the natural form of urine is preferable to urine extracts.” Excuse us. Urine extracts?

Chapter 4: Here’s where the science goes in, with an “in-depth look at selected laboratory and clinical studies.” Heavy emphasis on “selected.”

Chapter 5: “presents the interesting history of the use of urine therapy around the world.” Interesting for who? R. Kelly?

Chapter 6: This chapter tells you how to drink your own pee. Let’s not mince words. This is the instruction manual. For drinking your own pee. Oh, well that’s not entirely fair. It also tells you how to pee on your skin.

Chapter 7: The final chapter gives you personal, totally-not-made-up testimonials and talks about specific disorders and diseases cured by urine.

Finally, there’s an appendix about what foods alkalize your pee, and what foods acidify the pee. And an index.

If you want to buy this book on Amazon, it costs $42 bucks by the way. But you can get new copies for around $100. You know, for all that important pee-drinking knowledge. We’re not sure if this is a sign that Capitalism works or that we should burn the whole system down to the ground.

Anyway, the important (?) thing to take away here is that there is a medical book on how to drink your own pee. And it’s glorious. And we’ve now set the record for “most times talking about urine in an AFFotD article” and it wasn’t even close. You’re welcome?