“I’d tell you what I’m dressed up as, but Disney’s got some powerful lawyers.”
~Women Wearing Sexy Character Costumes, Apparently
“Many adult women wear sexy Halloween costumes” is the kind of hot take you’d expect to hear from a middling stand-up comic in 2002, and we’ve covered the topic in our oh-so-subtle way years back, but whatever, the “sexy costume” industry thrives during Halloween, even though realistically you end up seeing like, ten women wearing the costumes, tops, each year. That said, each year, sites such as yandy.com come out with hundreds of costumes that mostly consist of “swimsuits with something drawn on it” or “like, let’s take a normal costume, and then cut away the midsection,” so there’s got to be a market for this kind of stuff.
Now, in the sexy costume industry, which we guess weirdly serves as a metaphor for America now that we think about it, the easiest way to make money is to profit on things that are already popular. But in doing that, you often have to face that other great American export that is “bloodthirsty corporate lawyers,” which means that if you really want to sell a costume you may have to change your costume name so as to not get sued into bankruptcy. So, while you might want to dress up as a “sexy Spock” (but, like, why?) you’ll probably need to look for something along the lines of a “sexy pointy-eared alien.” You get the idea. It’s dumb, but also kind of funny in a ridiculous way.
No, seriously, these names, we can’t get enough of them. Here are some of the dumbest sexy costumes, and what they’re called. We love Halloween so much.
Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)
The best thing about these costume names is that sometimes, they describe what they’re supposed to be in a way that makes you go, “Huh, I never thought about it that way.” So Pac-Man becomes an arcade chaser, which, well, yeah, we suppose that the purpose of the game is to chase things. That’s some eye-opening shit, man.
Hahaha, this is wonderful. This is by far the stupidest way to describe Smurfette, or really any of the Smurfs. We can see the copywriter for Yandy just sweating this one out. “Shit, the Smurf people are litigious as shit, they’re not going to let us get away with much. But what do you call a Smuf, other than what they are? They’re like…blue…blue buddies? Okay, you know what, let’s go on to the next costume, I’ll put Blue Buddy as a placeholder here, but I’ll go back before deadline and change it to something better.”
By far the best thing about these sexy Halloween costumes is that there are sometimes different variations of the same relatively generic costume idea, but each one has to have a different name. So if you want to be a sexy Minion, you can be the “Human Mania” costume, which, lol, or you can also be a Despicable Human. We really hope they don’t decide to come up with a third minion costume, because we’re at a loss for what the hell they’d have to settle for when they named it. “Yellow Worker”? “Goggle Servant”? “This Is An Asexual Character From A Kid’s Movie It’s A Bit Gross To Try To Sexualize It”?
Man they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, but we guess there’s not a lot of directions you can go. Also, for the record, we’re 100% against the little furry leg things here, those are weird as shit. But then again, dressing as a Sexy Pikachu is pretty fucked up in itself, so you do you, anonymous internet shopper.
Hey, we get it, the lawyers at Disney can be frickin’ vicious. Don’t want to piss off old Walt. But, there are plenty of people who want to go as a Sexy Minnie Mouse, or, we suppose, they could just want to be a Sexy Female Mickey Mouse, that’s not for us to decide, we don’t want to step on any toes, it’s your journey, guys. But apparently there are a lot of Mickey/Minnie Mouse options that skirt around the copyright laws, so you can be a “tux and ears” costume, or half a dozen other options including “Once Upon a Time,” (?) “Sexy Mouse,” “Retro Mouse,” “Mousy Maiden,” or “Jolly Mouse” because this is America dammit, the land of the free and the home of like, an unlimited amount of ways to be a sexy Disney mouse.
We gotta respect the hustle on this one. They’re not really doing much here to clue you in to what the costume actually is supposed to be, other than getting a red-headed model to pose for it, but they’re like, “Listen, we get that it might go over some people’s heads, but if you’re out there looking for a Poison Ivy costume, we have faith that you, the consumer, will recognize it for what it is. A Sexy Poison Ivy costume is basically a leotard with a lace skirt and fingerless gloves. We respect our consumer, we don’t talk down to them. Toxic Villainess it is.”
Hahaha, oh fuck you, if we were Harry Potter we’d sue you guys just for the ridiculousness of that name.
There are so many ways you can describe Princess Leia for a costume that we’re frankly impressed they went this left field with it. Like, space princess, star queen, a lot of low hanging fruit to choose from, and they went with, “Okay, so you know the opening scroll for Star Wars? Let’s name our sexy Star Wars costume after that!”
Again, Captain America is a really generic combination of words that shouldn’t be such a strain to change up, but somehow they managed to make the name even more generic. Like, “Super Soldier” is probably the name of 1000 different costumes, and like, 1 of those costumes is a sexy Captain America. We just think it’d be next to impossible to actually search for this if you really wanted to buy yourself a midriff baring Avengers costume.
Also, there are like, no costumes of the Avengers on this site (even Black Widow, which is literally the easiest to transition into the sexy costume territory) but there are like three “Super Soldiers” or whatever the fuck. The Supply and Demand of the sexy Halloween costume industry will forever baffle us.
But now, to close things out, we have to go with our, just, our favorite name ever. Just, this is beautiful.
Ahhhh hahahahaha. Ohhhh God. Like, okay first of all, it’s both a bit unsettling, but also not at all surprising, that we’re trying to make sexy Pennywise happen. But this is, by far, the best description of Pennywise as a character that has ever been devised. “Dancing Sewer Clown” is pure poetry, and we all want to have it inscribed on our tombstones. It’s wonderful. There’s no way we can ever hope to top this, so we’ll leave it at that.
Oh and if you see any of these costumes this weekend, please, PLEASE let them know that you know the silly name that they bought their costume under. Especially if it’s a Dancing Sewer Clown.