Monthly Archives: June 2017

The History of Fried Pickles

“What?  They fry PICKLES now?  What’ll they think of next!”

~Bar Patrons In, Like, 2001

 pickles

People from other countries like to make fun of America for frying all their food, but that’s like making fun of someone for having a hot wife. Oh, what’s that, French tourists, all of our food is fried, making it taste a million times better? Real sick burn there, froggy!

Yes, we fry everything, because yes, everything tastes better fried.  We’ve gone over this in pretty exhaustive detail, so there’s no need to rehash things here.

Now, if you’re anything like the members of our staff, you’re drunk right now, maybe take a bit of a nap to sleep things off and get back to this article in a few hours.

But also, you eat lots of fried food, especially bar fried food. You have probably ordered many a chicken strip, mozzarella stick, or even fried mushroom if you’re into that sort of thing while downing a high gravity pint. But for our readers who don’t reside in the Southern area of our nation, the last fifteen years or so has brought a relatively novel fried item to many of your bar menus.

Fried pickles. It’s that dish that (again, for you southerners, you all grew up with these) at first blush seems strange. “Wait, so like…a dill pickle?  Fried?” many a Yankee has mumbled while looking over the menu at the Wood-n-Tap.

Yes, pickles, deep fried. You’ll order them for the novelty, but be surprised to find they’re delicious.

Juicy and bursting, salty and greasy, it’s the best kind of bar appetizer because it’s truly awful for you, but you can technically say you’ve eaten your vegetables that day. Gaming the system.

So with that in mind, we’re going to take a moment to tell you about the history of fried pickles, because now we get to list all of our bar tabs as tax write-offs.

The History of Fried Pickles

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Three of the Oldest Trees of All Time (Were Killed by Americans)

“Fuck Nature.”

~AFFotD Credo

 burning tree

We, as in America, as a nation, are dicks to trees. It’s totally their fault, standing there all majestic and in our way.  Not even moving when they see fires.

Trees are dumbasses, and we shouldn’t mourn them. That’s at least what we tell ourselves, to make us feel better about that whole “we are dicks to trees” thing.

So how much of dicks are we to trees? Well, the oldest known tree lives in the White Mountains. It was measured by Tom Harlan, a researcher at the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona, in 2012.

That tree is, as of the writing of this article, 5,066 years old.  And we are such dicks to trees that, out of fear that we’d destroy it out of pure delightful spite, Harlan straight up wouldn’t tell anyone where it was.

And guess what?  Harlan died the following year, possibly taking his secret to his grave (okay realistically it was recorded at the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research, but it feels cooler to pretend that this 5,000 year old tree is hidden in a random forest like nature’s Ark of the Covenant).

There is a non-zero chance that this tree has since been killed by some dumbass hiker, or some man-made forest fire, because this is America dammit, and we’re real good at killing things.

No, seriously.  Three of the oldest trees to have ever graced this planet since the dawn of man have been destroyed by good old American know-how.  Let’s talk about dead trees.

Three of the Oldest Trees of All Time (Were Killed by Americans)

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