“You Don’t Just Eat ‘Em”
~Wait, That’s The New Pringles Motto? That Sucks
Pringles are the ultimate embodiment of America’s commitment to unhealthy but delicious food. They were invented by Procter & Gamble in an attempt to create a “perfect chip” that was not greasy and wouldn’t break or go stale. They also wanted to get rid of the issue of air in potato chip bags, which honestly doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue, but whatever. It took over ten years to do this before finally being developed by a chemist from 1956 to 1958 (yes it took him alone two years to get it down). It had one slight slight design flaw, however. It tasted horrible. Another P&G researcher had to come in to find a way how to improve the taste, while a mechanical engineer who also was a well-known science fiction and fantasy novel writer, designed the machine to cook them. All in all, the Pringle as we know it was eventually released in 1967, and managed to get national distribution in 1975. While all that sounds like the fever dream ramblings of a bedridden retired R&D worker, it’s actually the 100% true story about how we got Pringles, a delicious potato chip that comes in a container you can get your hand stuck in.
And while just about everything about the Pringle completely justifies this drawn out process to give you a potato chip that you can use to make duck lips, as we’ve seen with many other esteemed American products, sometimes we get a little too cute with flavors, and end up with nightmares. Here are the worst flavors of Pringles that have been sold in the United States.
The Worst Pringles Flavors in American History
Peppermint White Chocolate
Ho boy, we’re just diving right into this shit, aren’t we? You know what is good? White chocolate peppermint that is shaped like a Pringle. You know what is technically a food item but more accurately a personal threat? Pringles potato chips that are artificially flavored to be like white chocolate peppermint, shaped like a Pringle. Candy and potato chips are two very different things, so please stop trying to make candy-flavored potato chips, Pringles. You’re upsetting the children.
Now, it’s been pointed out to us that Ketchup potato chips do not actively taste “bad.” It is, however, Canadian, and we’d be a bad older brother to Canada if we didn’t make fun of their dumb food choices every now and again. They’ve been riding off of poutine and Tim Hortons good will for TOO LONG! Besides, you shouldn’t be trying to put ketchup on your Pringles anyway. Ketchup is for children and well-done steaks served to our President, not for potato chips.
Cinnamon and Sugar
Goddamn you, Pringles, why are you doing this to us? If we wanted to eat potatoes with cinnamon and sugar we wouldn’t have turned down that offer to scorch off our taste buds for a million dollars. This feels like the burnout son of the Pringles CEO got a job on the research and development team and was like, “I like sweets, let’s make chips sweet, or I’ll tell my dad on you” and everyone just went along with it under silent duress.
Mozzarella Sticks & Marinara
This was from a short period where Pringles decided to make “Restaurant Cravers” because if there’s one thing you think about when you eat Pringles it’s “Man, this potato chip is good, if only it tasted like an artificially flavored version of an appetizer I could get at a restaurant.” Then you think, “Man, it’s weird that someone paid me five bucks to think that sentence in my head, he said it was for some article he was writing about Pringles, but whatever, looks like I get to buy a 40 of King Cobra tonight.” Then finally you think, “In this overwrought fake person thinking fake things example, I am homeless, in case you missed that.”
Anyway, you can get away with cheese flavored chips. In fact, cheese flavored chips are usually great. Just, not these ones. Gross.
Pumpkin Pie Spice
Goddamn it, Pringles, you will not gaslight us into thinking that sweet-flavored potato chips are a normal thing. It’s not. WE WILL NOT STAND HERE AND LET YOU NORMALIZE SWEET-FLAVORED POTATO CHIPS!
Also, this might be the exact moment that the pumpkin spice trend jumped the shark. This makes us want to hurl a PSL in someone’s goddamn face.
You monsters. You goddamn unrepentant monsters. What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Hot dogs are one of our favorite things, how could you do this to them? Granted, these are only available at Walmart (which makes sense in a sad kind of white trash way) but still, NO. NO!
This is the worst. Pringles, we may never forgive you.
Unless, like, you just wanted to give us a free lifetime supply of some Sour Cream and Onion Pringles? Like, that miiiight get us back on your side. Have your people call our people.