Every great nation, and every historical era, has bred specific social groups that follow seemingly arbitrary social guidelines. Frontiersmen in the Wild West (or Jim fucking Bowie or Andrew “Straight-Up-Killer” Jackson) followed an elaborate series of rules and regulations for duels. British dandies were supposed to look like girls or something. Hippies chose to look and smell disgusting at all times. No, seriously. They can never be clean.
GOD that decade was a mess.
As America surges ever deeper into the 21st century, various socially prevalent groups have taken their niche positions in American culture, but one trait is shared by the males of every one of these groups. That would be the ability, and willingness, to perform the Man Hug.
The man hug is for men what naked pillow fighting is for women- namely, an important affirmation of one’s gender that should be done far more frequently and in the most public places possibly. But it is more than just a greeting or a vehicle for the term “No homo” to gain notoriety. No, it exists as a manly and American greeting for 50% of our nation’s population, since apparently people get uncomfortable when you slap their ass. Yeah, we’re looking at you, Frank, you know you liked it.
The Man Hug is so important to America that there’s even a how-to video for it on the internet. That places “Man Hugs” on a level of importance in American society between knowing how to tie your own tie, and knowing how to start a grill.
So we feel it is our duty, as Americans, to teach the male readers out there how to properly perform a Man Hug. Some of you know how to do it naturally, some of you struggle with the concept.
The Man Hug hugs manages to be more personal than the too-formal handshake without the potential awkwardness of the too-much-of-a-chance-that-the-…you-know…-penises-might-touch regular hug. According to Wikipedia, “The origin of this hug is not clear” which is clearly bullshit.
The Man Hug, or as it is more hilariously know, the Bro-Grab, Homie Hug, or Shug, was discovered in the early 1980’s when deodorant technology had yet to catch up with cocaine use. The result was a lot of very sweaty, very friendly men who were wearing oddly expensive polyester blazers, which were often ruined for the evening by one poorly chosen hug. Enter, the Man Hug, which minimized contact while allowing you to establish yourself as a close friend or confidant.
The Man Hug is easy to perform, and almost never results in the two dudes kissing. All you have to do is follow these easy steps.
1. Begin with a handshake with your right hand
There are two handshake positions you can use for this. Many websites claim that you should do the standard handshake, pictured above with a dead fish, but these so-called experts fail to mention the slap-five hand shake, where both parties hold their arms in front of them at a 90 degree angle, with their hands pointing to the air. This will then become a high-five that turns into a clasp, centered around the thumb. With either the handshake, or the clasped high five in place, you are ready to go to step two.
2. Lean towards the Man Hug recipient, extending out your left arm
Warning, do not try a Man Hug with cats, because they will not hesitate to fuck you up
We feel like we shouldn’t have to point this out, but at this point in the Man Hug, it is generally not considered acceptable to lick the Man Hug recipient’s face. You know, unless you’re getting that kind of vibe. At which point, we mean, that’s not our thing, but go for it, we wish you nothing but happiness.
3. With your left hand, tap the other party’s back from over their shoulder several times
You should tap the other party’s back no less than two times, but no more than four. Any less, and you’re not even there long enough to call it a hug. Any more, and you’re technically trying to burp the person. After many years of practice, you will eventually be able to master the art of the Man Hug, and feel like you are culturally relevant male member of American society. As for our female readership, you will now at least be able to recognize when a Man Hug is performed incorrectly, and spurn those who failed in their Man Hug appropriately.
Our final lesson for Man Hugs will be a brief list of places where performing a Man Hug might be viewed “socially unacceptable”.
o Too informal, plus there’s always that one guy who……lingers.
- Your Honeymoon
o This seems self-explanatory, but we’ve gotten several emails about this. Trust us, your wife does will not appreciate a Man Hug as your first matrimonial act of intimacy. No matter how much she likes sports.
- Gym Locker Room
o While a Man Hug is a better way to hug a naked man than a regular hug, usually it’s considered polite to just nod, mumble hello, and avert your gaze
- While Holding Two Very Very Sharp Knives
o You might assume that the knives make it more manly. Trust us, there is nothing manly about looking like you showed up to a PETA protest wearing fur. Oh, and the whole “Killing your friend when you accidentally stab him” thing. That too.
- While at a Public Urinal
o You’ll be breaking so many man codes if you even think about giving a Man Hug to the man at the Urinal next to you. That’s rookie. Come on guys.
So there you have it. Now that you know proper form and etiquette, we can lower the amount of Man Hug related injuries, which leads to over three thousand pride related hospitalizations every year.