Every great nation, and every historical era, has bred specific social groups that follow seemingly arbitrary social guidelines. Frontiersmen in the Wild West (or Jim fucking Bowie or Andrew “Straight-Up-Killer” Jackson) followed an elaborate series of rules and regulations for duels. British dandies were supposed to look like girls or something. Hippies chose to look and smell disgusting at all times. No, seriously. They can never be clean.
GOD that decade was a mess.
As America surges ever deeper into the 21st century, various socially prevalent groups have taken their niche positions in American culture, but one trait is shared by the males of every one of these groups. That would be the ability, and willingness, to perform the Man Hug.
The man hug is for men what naked pillow fighting is for women- namely, an important affirmation of one’s gender that should be done far more frequently and in the most public places possibly. But it is more than just a greeting or a vehicle for the term “No homo” to gain notoriety. No, it exists as a manly and American greeting for 50% of our nation’s population, since apparently people get uncomfortable when you slap their ass. Yeah, we’re looking at you, Frank, you know you liked it.
The Man Hug is so important to America that there’s even a how-to video for it on the internet. That places “Man Hugs” on a level of importance in American society between knowing how to tie your own tie, and knowing how to start a grill.
So we feel it is our duty, as Americans, to teach the male readers out there how to properly perform a Man Hug. Some of you know how to do it naturally, some of you struggle with the concept.
The Man Hug hugs manages to be more personal than the too-formal handshake without the potential awkwardness of the too-much-of-a-chance-that-the-…you-know…-penises-might-touch regular hug. According to Wikipedia, “The origin of this hug is not clear” which is clearly bullshit.
The Man Hug, or as it is more hilariously know, the Bro-Grab, Homie Hug, or Shug, was discovered in the early 1980’s when deodorant technology had yet to catch up with cocaine use. The result was a lot of very sweaty, very friendly men who were wearing oddly expensive polyester blazers, which were often ruined for the evening by one poorly chosen hug. Enter, the Man Hug, which minimized contact while allowing you to establish yourself as a close friend or confidant.
The Man Hug is easy to perform, and almost never results in the two dudes kissing. All you have to do is follow these easy steps.