“Making fun of conspiracy theorists means you must be PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.”
We never would have expected that “obviously wrong conspiracy theories” would be a topic that gets people riled up, but it’s the 2010s and the Internet is still going strong so that’s probably just naivete on our part. For example, about four years ago we wrote an article about wacky conspiracy theories that exist out there, ranging from flat Earthers to a theory that Saddam Hussein had a fucking Stargate. We chuckled and moved on to more important topics (if memory serves, the article we wrote next was on the worst Mountain Dew flavors of all time) but a beacon was put up on the internet, and apparently conspiracy theorists do not take kindly to being called whacky. One crazy man in particular went on a rant that contained three comments, 500 words, Sandy Hook false flag and 9/11 inside job accusations, the insistence that our staff should “read you twisted sick fuck” along with an implication that we were on “the cabal’s” (?) payroll, and no fewer than 12 colorful references to sodomy. Not exactly what we expected when we wrote, “You at least gotta hand it to the conspiracy theorists. They’ve got a wonderfully healthy imagination.”
Looking back, maybe the issue was that we called the wacky people wacky. Who knows. But we’ve decided to accept blood money from the psychopathic satanic cabals desperate to hide THE TRUTH talk to you about some other out-there conspiracy theories we’ve discovered in our increasingly pointless quest to be Always Very Online. But maybe, just maybe, we can avoid pointing the Batshit Crazy signal into Arkham by rephrasing what we mean by “wacky.” What we’re really talking about are funny, and mostly harmless, conspiracy theories. There’s no way that could offend anyone, right?
(And suddenly, a sea of neckbeards screamed out in anger.)
(And we swear to God if you jump into our comments to talk about Jeffrey Epstein we will find where you live and send a fucking glitter bomb to your house.)
The Five Funniest (Relatively Harmless) Conspiracy Theories In the United States
The problem we have with most conspiracy theories stems from the fact that the vast majority of them are actually pretty awful. And we don’t mean in a “stupid” or “annoying” way, we mean they are morally evil. Not to say that most people who believe, say, that Sandy Hook was staged by actors are themselves inherently monsters, but you wouldn’t blame the people with dead kids getting death threats from online trolls for thinking that. A lot these theories involve the government being behind countless deaths, which in a vacuum is a horrible thing to consider, and which in reality becomes much worse when the family of those victims have their grief interfered with by someone who gives his family members S.K. Bain books every Christmas and spends three hours a day watching poorly narrated amateur YouTube videos.
Which is all a shame, because when you’re not espousing a view that every bad thing that has ever happened occurred deliberately by evil people in the shadows, conspiracy theories can be a lot of fun! The worst you could say about, for example, the “Paul is dead” thing is that it bought The Beatles a lot of free press, and that everyone knows from the rate that he has aged that he clearly was replaced by a highly advanced android, not some random look-alike.
Which is why we find these following conspiracy theories so delightfully laughable. Sure, the people peddling them are dead serious about their beliefs, but we just are impressed by the imagination in play. Some of our favorites includes…
Finland Does Not Exist
The most frustrating, though comedic, part of most conspiracy theories is that there is no way to make up something so outlandish that absolutely no one would believe it. For example, if we told a thousand people, “We are making this up, this is a lie that we are making up as a joke, but did you know that Billy Joel is actually a persona invented and portrayed by Michael Keaton?” we’d be willing to bet about thirty people will immediately believe that statement as fact. When we stress, no, no, we literally made that up because we decided they looked kind of similar like thirty years ago, these same thirty people will double down and accuse us of being agents trying to hide the truth.
This is an unfortunate side effect of that whole “free will” thing, which the internet has made infinitely worse, since now those thirty people can find each other and start a r/BillyKeaton subreddit that compiles all the evidence that’s been in front of us the whole time, man! Well, that’s what happened to one 25-year-old Redditor with the username of Raregans. Four years ago he responded to a popular thread asking, “What did your parents show you to do that you assumed was completely normal, only to later discover it was not normal at all?”
Raregan, whose real name is Jack, shared his parents’ belief that Finland isn’t real. Essentially, the hilarious theory states, Finland’s major company, Nokia, is actually owned by the Japanese, who entered in an agreement with “Finland’s” neighbor, Russia, to pretend there is a country there, so the Japanese could hunt some fucking whales. Basically, Japan would get around fishing regulations, and they would buy Russia’s silence by giving their citizens a percentage of any caught fish (since Russia was low on food at the time). Oh, and they called the fake nation Finland because, you know. Fish have fins.
Now is this extremely silly? Indeed it is. And when it spawned r/finlandConspiracy, boasting the tagline “The Truth is Finnly Veiled,” it was very clearly taken as a joke. Because it’s hilarious. But, the internet being the internet, a small but vocal percentage of those posting on that subreddit believe it to be 100% true. Which, honestly, is why we can’t have nice things. Though at least the origin of this conspiracy theory came from a guy saying, “Ha, here’s a very funny, obviously wrong, thing my parents believe.” Our next theory’s origins are a bit more…annoying.
Queen Elizabeth II Is a Cannibal
In researching this article, we encountered a website called Dear Dirty America who introduced us to a cultural philosopher who has written over 370 books, but spoke so much truth that the government rounded up and burned everything he had ever written, forcing him into exile. But he knows the truth. And the truth that the man isn’t ready to accept is that Queen Elizabeth II gains her energy and longevity by eating people. Shocking stuff, we know. And this titan of intellect goes by the name… of Hubert Humdinger.
Fuck you. Seriously? Come on. His name is Humdinger. That’d be like if we decided to spread a conspiracy theory that we made up, and claim it came from the renowned exiled philosopher Jimmy HahahaGotchaYouFuckingIdiotLookAtYourStupidFaceYouTotallyBelievedUs. So yes, this conspiracy theory is 100% fake and was 100% created as a joke.
Outside of a few articles who reported this bullshit as fact, the only existence of this theory comes from Dear Dirty America, which appears to be the Bizarro- version of AFFotD, if the Bizarro-verion of AFFotD did that thing we hate where you make up shit, try to make people believe you, and call it satire. (Hey, assholes, it’s not satire and it’s not clever). The site even self-published an e-book that basically lists a series of conspiracy theories and then tells the reader what “Hubert Humdinger” had to say about them in a way that in no way reeks of a sub-par blogger writing a completely fictional character. Nope, no way a book called Hubert Humdinger: Exiled & Loving It: Collected insights from a nearly forgotten cultural philosopher could ever be a masturbatory attempt to ramble in the voice of your “you call it satirical because you don’t know what satire is” creation.
Anyway, it appears the one crackpot theory, or knee-slapping humdinger, this Dear Dirty America guy has managed to get traction on is the Queen Elizabeth eats people thing. Which is, honestly, hilarious. Though it’s a little less hilarious when you see the people commenting on his articles completely believing the theory and weighing in with such insight as, “Good God how sick is this family. Why are they walking the earth they should hunged [sic].”
But seriously people, how the fuck could you not immediately tell this was made up by some internet troll? Oh by the way, we just Skyped with this forgotten sociologist and symbologist named Jack MeHoff who has written 521 books that were burned by the government for knowing too much. He told us that not only did Gerald Ford orchestrate Watergate and Nixon’s resignation in a plan to become President, but he did so while actually being three small children standing on each other’s shoulders inside a suit. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
Birds Aren’t Real
We had a tough time grappling how to discuss this absolutely hilarious theory. We could address it head on and seriously, as many media outlets have, and maybe talk about the perils of paranoia on a societal and, more importantly, an individual level. Or, we could point out that 95% of the people taking part in the Bird Aren’t Real campaign are clearly doing it as an elaborate joke. Like, everything about it is telling you it’s a joke that a college student named Peter McIndoe started in 2017, and is now trying to monetize. And to be honest, unlike that Dear Dirty America bullshit, this one is pretty hilarious. Here’s a video, for example, where McIndoe pretends an etch-a-sketch is an ipad and films himself standing in rush hour traffic with a sign that says “PIGEONS ARE LIARS” while shouting things like, “The birds know your social security number!” and, “You filming me doesn’t scare me the birds are doing that anyway!”
Now, what exactly is the theory? Well, it’s pretty simple—McIndoe claims that from 1959 until 2001, the United States government captured and killed 12 billion birds and replaced them with disguised surveillance drones. So when they say “birds aren’t real” they literally mean there are no birds left. The site has blown up, with most people appreciating the commitment to absurdity behind the whole thing, while a small minority very seriously and intently believe (remember the 30 people who believed our Billy Joel theory? This is the most obvious example of that.)
Birds Aren’t Real has 43,000 Twitter followers and 123,000 Instagram followers, and McIndoe makes money by selling shirts and gear on his site with phrases like, “Bird watching goes both ways,” and a pigeon saying, “I am a lie.” The site includes a fake quote from Richard Nixon, as well as a mission statement that informs the reader that, “Recent surveys have revealed that 99.5% of the general public still believe in ‘Birds.’ I know, I was shocked too.” Frankly, we kind of love this guy, and we are impressed with how willing he is to stay in character for the bit, as you can see in his interview he did on WREG Channel 3 in July of this year. If you watch that video, you’ll see shows up unshaven, wearing a Birds Aren’t Real t-shirt and sandals, insisting he is not the founder of the movement, but merely a mouthpiece. When one of the anchors says, “So this is really satire…I mean you don’t really believe that that happened, correct? This is a satirical campaign…” he interrupted her to say, “Honestly that’s kind of offensive. I don’t think you would say that if I said, ‘Birds are real,’ I don’t know why the other side of the argument can’t be treated with equal respect.” When the anchor points out that before he went on air, he specifically told them that it was satirical, he responded with, “I never said that.”
As of the writing of this article, there currently is a billboard in Memphis that says, “Birds Aren’t Real.” Because if you’re going to put this much effort into a joke conspiracy theory, you might as well go all in.
NASA Is Hiding a Second, Secret Sun
When Paul Cox, a relatively respected astronomer, posted a feed of his telescope looking to space to YouTube in 2016, the last thing the world really expected was for him to point to Mercury and claim that it’s a smaller version of our sun residing in our solar system. Only, as you can tell from the formulaic build up, that’s exactly what happened. Not only did he claim that this black dot was a sun (is…that how suns work?), he added that the only reason we don’t all know about the two suns in our solar system is that NASA is covering up. And thus, a conspiracy theory was born.
Now, it’s been covered by such stalwarts of the arts and sciences like *checks notes* the official Flat-Earthers’ Altavista page and the UK’s Daily Express, so obviously there’s a lot of credibility behind this theory, which has been merged with other theories and hypotheticals such as the Planet X theory (there are several Planet X theories—one is that a roaming planet will destroy Earth, and another, more mathematically sound, theory posits that there must be a large mass 10 times the size of Earth, deep in our solar system). Thinking that there is a ninth planet way past Neptune actually makes logical sense. Thinking that that planet is actually a second Sun seems…unlikely, but we suppose not impossible. Thinking that this second sun is being hidden by NASA is…well that’s actually paranoid and crazy. In what world would NASA benefit from just flat out ignoring a massive scientific find like that? These are the people who only get funding when Americans are jazzed about space, there’s no fucking way they’d want to cover that up.
But that’s enough about extra suns and missing birds, let’s get to, by far, our favorite harmless conspiracy theory.
Stevie Wonder Isn’t Really Blind
We love this for a few reasons. In the grand scheme of things, it’s just very silly. If it were somehow true, no one would feel particularly mad about it, just confused. Like, “Wait…so you spent your whole life pretending to be blind? For…any particular reason?” And knowing that it’s 99.99% likely that it’s false, we’d have to imagine Stevie Wonder would probably roll his eyes (okay poor choice of expression there) at it, but wouldn’t particularly feel insulted or wounded. The other reason is…there’s actually some mild evidence! Like, people get really deep into the weeds with this! The beautiful thing here, though, is that even the people that truly believe this theory don’t take it, or themselves, too seriously. They dig up videos where it might appear that Stevie Wonder can at least see something around him, and they say, “Here’s some evidence,” but then they go about their day. Stevie Wonder truthers are the best kind of truthers, because if you tell them you think they’re wrong, they don’t really care. It’s just a silly thing they think, and they half of their belief is just for the lols anyway.
So to you aspiring conspiracy theorists out there—try to be more like a Stevie Wonder truther, and less like John John Macky Jr.