“Are you dickbags still online? Why? Nobody has ever cared what you think.”
So you might not remember Christopher Blair. He took a weirdly personal interest in our site (full disclosure, we absolutely started it by sending a drunk and foul mouthed email to one of his writers at like 2AM on a Sunday) back in September of 2017. To bring you up to speed, this 40-something former construction worker runs a series of websites including the now-defunct thelastlineofdefense.org. That particular site posted a “fake news” story that was what fake news used to be called—a real big old fucking lie. It used a picture of an actual Muslim cleric, saying he was refusing to help hurricane survivors, and it got that cleric death threats. That greatly upset us, because we are satirical but we do not stoke hatred unless it is very carefully focused to a deserving party (like this article is stoking hatred towards Christopher Blair, but he can fuck off into a volcano for all we care). Anyway, we wrote a Very Serious Piece (seriously, no dick jokes or anything. Okay maybe a few?) about it, which you can see here..
We emailed the writer of the cleric piece (did we call him the C-word? Listen, the answer is yes, but to be fair, the writer was kind of being a C-word?) and he got back to us with some glib comments, basically along the lines of “Y U MAD?” But he pushed it further down the chain until Christopher Blair himself, BUSTA TROLL, blessed us with an emailed response. It was SO EPIC he posted about it on his Facebook page. His SICK burn was a mix of “lol we have more readers then you” and “look at ALL THIS MONEY I MAKE FROM THIS” with some kind of D-film Bond villain level “we are trolling on the next level LET ME TELL YOU MY PLAN” shit sprinkled in there. It was so DEVASTATING that we posted his email response IN FULL on our own website. We wrote about him 13 months ago.
We’re really trying to do this right by only focusing on Christopher’s toxic personality, but like, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at last whisper “…m…make your own Taft joke here.”
We’ll run down our basic points here.
1- Writing an article trying to trick people into thinking something fake is actually real is not satire, it’s hack as SHIT.
2- If you get more readers than our site by doing that, we…don’t really give a fuck? Just stop doing bad shit that just makes people angry?
3- Christopher Blair insists that he’s a “Liberal Troll” here to “expose the idiots on the far right” and since our posting, people have died because of heated tensions between both sides of the spectrum, so, like, maybe it’s not working out like you planned, Busta?
4- Blair practically pulled a hamstring bragging to us, in a way to prove that we are “worthless,” how his fake news sites have helped pay for his FORD EXCURSION and the $8,000 he spent on his tortoise enclosure. Haha, just kidding, that would be super depressing if…oh sorry, wait, no that is real, that’s not us making something up to make fun of him. Our bad.
5- He’s a truly awful writer, he’s bad for America, and no matter how pissy he gets it won’t change that.
We posted it and immediately got an email from Christopher Blair along the lines of “LOL NO ONE READS YOUR SHIT ANYWAY” to which we said… “Um YOU read it?”
We then had a weird back and forth with the writer of the original offending piece, going by David Tango Foxtrot, who closed things off, confusingly, with, “We may disagree here, but I have to say, you’re a damn good writer. Respect.”
We assumed that was Christopher, but have confirmed it is in fact one of the only other writers in his employ. But anyway, ALL OF THIS is to bring us to the purpose of this article.
Let’s check in on Christopher Blair, shall we?
Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (The Self-Proclaimed “Kingpin of Fake News”), Shall We?
Christopher Blair is doing fine on a physical and mental level, we think, so we can point out that he’s a goddamn dingus and not feel guilty for pointing out how a shitty person is a shitty person. We wrote about him and literally forgot about him immediately. Sure, when we posted our article about him, we got comforting comments from our sparse but loyal readers such as “I would like to apologize for this man on behalf of all rational Mainers” and “This person is a prime example of a person not worthy of the oxygen from those who are rational, sane and kind” (that one was from the Aunt of our editor-in-chief who passed away very suddenly last week, which might be why the timing of Blair’s attempt to restart our feud is actually leading us to write this article. We at AFFotD miss you, Tinker).
But at the end of the day, we forgot about it. Most of our loyal readers forgot about it. But you know who didn’t forget about it?
Christopher Fucking Blair.
Honestly we know he loves this photo, but we love it too, and it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing so let’s fucking go.
That opening quotation to this article was a comment he left for us just last week, which is the ultimate “I’m not mad YOU’RE MAD” move. He literally circled back to an article that gained enough traction on our site to receive slightly more views than our CLASSIC article “Cranberries Can Getchya Drunk” while not quite reaching the dizzying heights of “The Most Absurd Spin-Offs Of Classic Animated Movies.” Basically, if you were to do a poll throughout America of who cares most about this article we wrote about Christopher Blair while half in the bag on Memorial Day in 2017, the list would go
1: Christopher Blair a.k.a. Busta Troll a.k.a. haha we don’t fucking care about our aliases you are not an important human.
2-1000: Literally like that tumbleweed noise you have in parody Western films
1001: Us, we guess. Listen we’ve written 800 articles on this site, even if you include this article we will have devoted more words to fucking LOBSTERS than we will have on the fat troll guy who thinks calling us dickbags and telling us how many Facebook Followers we have will hurt our feelings. (BTW our Twitter numbers are even sadder. We still do NOT give even a quarter of a shit, we have staff writers who write for sites with twice as many Facebook followers as America’s Last Line of Defense, but we don’t try to brag about that shit, because it looks really sad and desperate. Instead we just steal articles from them because this is AMERICA GODDAMN IT).
1002: Christopher Blair’s mom maybe? To be fair, most of our staff members’ moms don’t read our own shit, and for good reason. It’s stupid and juvenile and frankly, we swear too fucking much. But we don’t write anything racist and don’t cause random strangers to get death threats, so we can’t imagine that Chris’ mom has his back THAT much?
1003: David Foxtrot Tango a.k.a. Beth Palmer a.k.a. [redacted—we actually know his name but when we reached out to him he said, “Yeah [that’s my name], you’ll find we’re pretty goddamn honest given the nature of the site we run lol” and frankly, we respect that, so we won’t drag his name through the mud]
It’s been a while since we’ve actually [REDACTED] someone, and it’s just about the highest honor we can afford someone who writes literal garbage on the internet.
So now that you’re caught up, let’s give a little update on the whole Christopher Blair situation through, *spins a wheel* *there is no wheel* a bullshit fake question-and-answer section!
So… Is… Christopher Doing Okay? How’s He Doing?
Christopher Blair’s Facebook remains open to the public, because you can teach a 46-year-old 320-pound sometimes-umpire how to make thousands by lying on the internet while convincing himself that he’s a fucking hero, but you can’t make him realize that Facebook has a “private” setting and maybe if you’re a professional shit-stirrer you should lock that shit up. That said, currently he’s mostly spending his time posting memes that every Angry Liberal Uncle is posting on Facebook, and is doing a lot less bragging about all the lying he does. That seems like a step in the right direction! We’re hopeful!
He also had a write up from the Boston Globe, where we found out that the writer who we [REDACTED] wrote an article that said the black soldier killed in Niger was a traitor, and used the fallen soldier’s name and likeness, and the article had to be pulled down and Christopher wrote a retraction and an apology. Which….actually, hey, Chris, that again is a step in the right direction!
Wait, Before You Go Any Further, What Did the Globe Article Say?
Oh, mostly that he’s not in it for the money. When an article really blows up he can “Buy a couch, maybe” from it. He was very hat in hand, very humble. And very full of bullshit.
Everyone who commented on our articles about him (including our dear departed Aunt Tinker) were Liberals basically shouting “YOU ARE NOT HELPING THE NATIONAL DISCOURSE.” But he stands by it. He says the money is drying up due to Facebook changes (good) and that he doesn’t mind, because he’s helping fight Fake News by…making Fake News? Anyway, he’s also a fucking liar.
Keep in mind, when we messaged him saying, “You wrote something that got an innocent man death threats. How does it feel to make money from that?” (hahah we were NOT that civil, we’re kind of assholes, honestly) he shouted “SCOREBOARD” and bragged about how much money he’s making. He says it’s hurtful that he’s accused of being in on this for the money….and then he straight up told us HE IS IN THIS FOR THE MONEY. Hey Christoper Blair, you can call us dickbags, but we can call you a hypocrite asshole who is literally every guy who thinks he’s funny and doesn’t understand why his friends throw so many parties he isn’t invited to.
So This Guy Sounds like the Worst
Why Didn’t You Write a Follow up About Him Earlier
Honestly? Because he’s not worth the air he steals while panting after a battle with half a flight of stairs, but we moved on from him pretty fast. But he clearly didn’t forget about us, and hey, to use his own words, we like playing with the turds.
Okay, so What Is the Narrative This Guy Thinks He Can Push, When Clearly Everyone Should Just Be like “NOPE This Guy Sucks”
Well, according to his PUBLIC Facebook, he has a Washington Post article coming out about him, and it’s not been published but he’s pretty hopeful.
“On this one I have to say, I am truly flattered. Seeing the narrative change and the truth come out this past couple of months has been….I don’t even know how to describe it.
Validating. Liberating. How’s about the driving force pushing me from the dark place I was headed personally?”
Then he posted a gif of Minions. This is not a smart person. We’re not sure if we really buy the fact that he’s pushing from the dark place given the fact that three days later he felt compelled to look up our little article about him and comment on it.
This Is Starting to Get a Bit Tangential
That will be the case for most of this article, we’re writing it drunk, to really re-live the mood of our initial article. We just want to make it clear that the level of self-delusion rattling around Christopher Blair’s brain is astounding. This is a person who thinks that he can stoke hate and fear as a way to somehow “own the Republicans” which 60% of the time involves him posting the same article with a different location and saying, “Ha ha, look at these silly conservatives, they believed that Hilary died AGAIN.”
Didn’t He Start a Really Hackneyed Site That Was Called Www.Leadstories.Com or Something Where He Just Posted Fake Articles and Had a Big False or Hoax or Fiction Stamps over Them?
Oh shit really let us check?
Oh yeah this is really bad. What’s the purpose of this site? Like, he’s writing his own stories to debunk them, is that what he thinks meta means? Anyway we are NOT going to link to that trash fire.
Like, Why Is It Bad?
Oh God, the writing, it hurts.
Are you Talking About the Article Christopher Blair Clearly Wrote on April Fools’ Saying He Was a Fake News Kingpin Killed by Hilary Clinton?
It’s so fucking dumb. And self-important. And dumb. You know he named the FBI Agent Burt Macklin? Like, he wrote an article where Hilary Clinton shot him a bunch, and the FBI came to investigate it, and it was FBI Agent Burt Macklin.
Like, Wait, so He Wrote an April Fools’ Article About His Own Murder and Thought “Andy Dwyer’s Alter Ego Is a Subtle Direction to Take This”
“I’m Christopher Blair. Wait fuck. How do I do references again?”
Wait, and He Even Waits till the 5th Paragraph to Be All “Naw Just Kidding?”
Listen this guy is a hack let’s move on.
Oh Right. So What Else Happened Since You Last Checked in on This Toolbag
Oh he’s keeping busy. Right now he’s posting a lot about Taylor Swift, like how Kanye is her ex-boyfriend and Republicans exposed her medical records and she has herpes. Oh, for you reading like three week from now when the literally 10 articles he wrote about Taylor Swift have aged about as well as a Salisbury Steak Lean Cuisine stored in a soiled bathtub in Haiti for a month, hey that joke is supposed to be funny because Taylor Swift said she wants to vote Democrat. Christopher applauded it on his personal page, then posted a bunch of “you realize satire is more than just dumb lies” articles on his America’s Last Line of Defense Facebook page because there are things that are obviously jokes, and there are things that are obviously bad opinions, and there is a way to use satire to bridge those two, but instead Christopher Blair wants to build the Springfield escalator that goes to nowhere.
Now, he is starting to feel a bit of a squeeze. We get that. Facebook is blocking a lot of his articles and cutting into his ad revenue, but still, he makes \ money from this. He tries to frame it so that he’s making money but also doing good work, but he’s fucking not. He’s basically posting a dozen articles stating “NAZIS ARE GOOD NOW” and then shouting, “Gotchya!” to the 300 Nazis that like the article, but ignoring the 1 person who actually takes that to heart and, great, thanks a fucking lot fucking Christopher, he’s a Nazi now.
Ah yes, a simpler time. Wait, what?
Are we writing this article because Christopher decided, 13 months after the fact, to stir shit up with us right around the time we had a staffer lose a family member who hated what Christopher stood for (despite being almost exactly aligned politically)? You know what? That’s part of it, but mostly we just were reminded how Christoper is a self-important douchebag who needs to be put in his place sometimes by people who at least understand that satire doesn’t work like fucking political Mad Libs.
And here’s the thing…It almost seems like he’s learned his lesson. You go this his Last Line of Whatever Facebook page, and you’ll see it listed as an Entertainment website. It has actually non-satirical postings. Not a lot, but enough that if you were doing some mild diligence you can at least see what he’s going for.
But just like we’re not Stephen Colbert (which, again, we love each and every one of our 350 followers like the special snowflake they are. This is not our day job this is our fucking hobby) you, Christopher Blair, Busta Troll, whatever the fuck other lame nicknames you gave yourself, you are not The Onion. The Onion is smart, and it is biting. You are dumb and greedy and thin-skinned and an embarrassment. You literally sent our editor-in-chief screenshots of your page views to brag about how much money you’re making, and then turned around and talked about how unfair it was that people falsely accused you of lying for a profit.
We keep receipts.
So yeah, to answer your question, Christopher Blair. Yes, us dickbags are still online. And your site we initially blasted is not. And you have other sites going strong, but you’re not in it for the money right? Except when you read this (because your vain ass WILL read this) we know that your knee jerk response is going to be to tell us that we are nobodies. But guess what? And we mean this from the deepest most sincere place in our hearts…we don’t give a shit about our own popularity, and we sure as fuck don’t give a shit about you. We think it’s funny you constantly feel the need to bite back at what we have to say about you, which again, to summarize, is that you’re a popped zit of a human being who actively makes the world worse. Don’t delude yourself. You’re one of the bad guys. You’re actually doing better than a year ago, and we want you to keep that trajectory. But maybe stop being petty and learn to write first. And get over yourself.
Oh man it’s been a hot while since we’ve been like actively mean on this site. It’s a bit of a rush. Hey, Busta, is this what it felt like when you circled back on an article we forgot about to toss some weak shade our way? We hope so because that means you felt GREAT.
Ho boy, he sure got us good!
This article might (DOES) come off as self-righteous and that’s okay. We make a point to not have any financial stake in this writing game. So we can be honest and cruel and true and feel like we at least put ourselves out there, screaming at assholes through the void. Meanwhile, Busta Troll is SO NOT WORRIED about his shrinking ad revenue that he’s going out of his way to bring it up in press interviews. Seems very convincing to us, Christopher. And literally every single insult you can throw our way (“no one reads you”, “you had some grammar errors and I’m on the spectrum so they stuck out to me very glaringly”, “I’m gonna try to make up some basement you don’t live in and say you do”, “Let’s talking about the sex you’re have that I will claim you are not having”) none of them will mean a hot shit to us.
You can write an article “Johnny Roosevelt Killed By Christopher Blair, Because Hilary Clinton, Is This How Jokes Work?” and we won’t even see it. But you’ll read this. You and like, 300 people. Isn’t that hilarious? And kind of sad?
Anyway, this was absolutely a one-way conversation to a single person, so to our casual readers, we’ll leave you with this.
Don’t post fake news.
Don’t trust fake news.
If something sounds…strange, double check.
And most importantly, don’t be an asshole who peddles lies for cash and then tries to stir shit back up again.
You all should be good on that front.
Don’t worry our next article will be MUCH lighter! Come back next week and we’ll talk about desks! No, we’re 100% serious, fucking desks! It’ll be about all the desks used in the Oval Office, and it’s, like, it’s fine. It’s okay, it’s not our best work, but it’s kind of interesting.
Oh haha, Chris is totally gonna make fun of us for writing about desks. That’s fine, we don’t care. This is just a silly website after all.