“Update: for the right price u can put anything in a keg”
~Actual Yahoo Answers User
Everyone loves kegs because they represent, essentially, unlimited beer. Do you know how much beer you can get from a single keg? If you go with a half barrel, you’ve got yourself 165 bottles of beer. That’s so much beer for just a few people—let’s be honest, most of the time you get one of those suckers for a party, unless it’s a barnburner, you’re not going to use the whole keg (challenge accepted).
But at least drinking an entire keg of beer seems doable. Sure, you have to deal with a shitload of beer, but you can handle that. It’s beer. Beer can be drunk, lots of it, in a short period of time. But did you know that we put other things in kegs? Other…strange things? Well we do. Not all of them were particularly thought through, though.
The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs
By definition, a keg is just a small barrel. Historically, it was made of wood, held together with copper, and was used to hold all sorts of liquids, as well as nails, gunpowder, and anything else that’s best stored in a big barrel. Now, we can call a random barrel a keg, but won’t. Don’t be stupid. A keg is a stainless steel (or aluminum if you’re nasty) barrel that must be opened by “tapping” into the top and pouring out the sweet, sweet nectar inside. So when we talk about kegs in this article, we will only focus on the metal kind that you have to stab open. A barrel of something is pretty common place, so we aren’t going to include those. Otherwise, oh man, we would just spend this whole thing talking about this absurd barrel of lube you can buy on Amazon.
No, everything in this article consists of what we’d refer to as “true kegs.” Which we honestly find impressive, as a lot of this shit gravitates towards “um…how do you plan on drinking all of that” territory. Case in point—
We exist to perform random acts of public service, and also to write off our extensive whiskey purchases as “a business expense.” So it gives us great pleasure to let you know that, yes, there exist companies such as Try Wine on Tap who can set up a keg of wine for your kegerator, with a smile. Now, these guys work primarily with restaurants and bars, offering a way to sell bulk wine with a reduced carbon footprint and without the risk of spoilage. But, but, if you want to broadcast to the world, “I’m an alcoholic, but I’m classy, also my teeth are super stained” then you can get yourself your own keg of wine.
And you should! Everyone reading this should spend an insane amount of money on 15 gallons of wine! And drink it as fast as you can!*
*Our lawyers have demanded that we inform you that you should absolutely NOT try to drink 15 gallons of wine as fast as you can, despite the fact that it’ll make you sexually irresistible and incredibly intelligent.
Coffee and Iced Tea
Joyride Coffee in San Diego saw a desire in the marketplace (people want a fast and easy pick-me-up in the morning) and decided to offer a borderline insane solution (make it so all the coffee in existence is put in a keg and tapped for your drinking pleasure) and just ran with it. So yeah, you can get yourself mathematically enough coffee that it can actually kill you if you drink it all at once. You can also get the same impossible amount of iced tea, if you want to somehow be less fun than the person who buys cold brew coffee by the keg. The world is your oyster, though it probably shouldn’t be.
And if you’re the deranged caffeine lunatic that wants to go this route, you’ll probably want something to go along with your unlimited supply of coffee…
Ha, eww. Milk on tap is a thing, yeah. Not a common thing, thank God. Like, it’s hard to pull it off in America because we are a nation of “laws” and don’t want “you to die from milk, because that is a very embarrassing way to die, just ask Zachary Taylor.” But it can be done. Now, granted, you’ll primarily see this at coffee shops, where having all the milk has its benefits, but still, the fact that kegs of milk exist, well. We aren’t quite sure how we feel about that.
Kombucha and Switchel
Oh God, fuck that, no—we’re going to make a rule right here and now. There shall be no kegging of beverages that are healthy. We demand that you keg things that actively impede your health when you start drinking too much of it. So no Joyride Coffee (again), you can take your weird fermented Millennial drink, and your apple cider vinegar whatever the fuck, and you can keep putting it in bottles that are like 3 ounces bigger than they need to be like you always have, and keep kegs out of this. Kegs must only be bad for you, okay?
Like, really bad for you.
YES. OH SWEET AND SAVORY JESUS YES! Okay, so last November you might have heard about how Hidden Valley ranch decided to sell kegs of ranch dressing, because it’s the most American thing imaginable, and to answer your question before you ask it, yes that accounted for 100% of the reasons why we decided to write this article. It sold out almost immediately because America is the fucking best. So while you can’t get yourself a giant keg of ranch dressing currently, just bide your time, you sweet future cardiac care recipients. Someday you too can have a keg of ranch. A beautiful, glorious thing indeed.
Seriously, this almost is enough to make up for that whole kombucha thing. Almost.