“Step one, write a book. Step two, post some memes. Step three, make an wireless coin. Step four, ?. Step five, invent time travel.”
The internet is a nebulous, scary place. When it’s not bringing people to this site who are OUTRAGED at Americans making fun of Latvian food, it’s letting people create websites devoted to theories and thoughts that would normally be relegated to the ranting screams of a Subway station hobo. Of course, when the internet finds a way to get REALLY crazy, we’re there to document the insanity. And sometimes, the insanity finds out about it and threatens us. We don’t anticipate that level of vitriol to come from this article, but we probably will lose our space on our time travel bus.
Yes, time travel bus.
Just, okay guys, hold onto your fucking dicks (that goes double for our lady readers) because this is going to get bananas.
The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)
We know precious little about the Transpotimers or their leader (?) Roberto TM. Most of this article will be comprised of conjecture, some limited research, and mostly a half of a dozen staffers staring at the screen open-mouthed in confused disbelief. This is…like, okay, here’s what happened. We stumbled across a hilarious book, just the funniest book, available on Amazon. We read the first chapter, and, you guys, it is so bad, and so insane, and so poorly written, and it’s just a work of art. Like, it’s so bad, you guys.
Anyway, in searching for some more information on the book, we came across a video that is supposed to be partnered with the book. It is a very awkward cover of Tenacious D’s The Greatest Song in the World, that talks about “the greatest bus in the world…Transpotimers.” It was very bad, and made us very sad, and you can try to watch all of it, but oh God, it’s so bad.
Somehow, as if this isn’t enough chaos for an already chaotic world, this took us to the Transpotimers’ website, where we discovered that the book is hardly a standalone piece of media. No, the book is part of their marketing (?) campaign for their ultimate goal of pushing Wirelesscoin, which is apparently an upstart alternate to Bitcoin (Robert TM, if you’re reading this, please don’t @ us about the specifics of your fake cybermoney, we don’t know anything about online currency and we don’t care). All of this is centered around the goal of…inventing time travel in our life time.
Woo. Okay. You guys want to catch your breath a bit from that wild fucking ride? We have no idea how to talk about this, as trying to talk about nonsensical things in a sensical matter usually ends up being…nonsensical. But we’ll give it a shot. We’ll break down their efforts into their four major online creative endeavors, and their ultimate goal.
Genre #1: Literature
Published as an e-book in 2016, the saga of the Transpotimers has six chapters, but only one is available as a preview, and it is so bad that even though it only costs $1.99, we didn’t want to spend the money to buy the rest of the chapters. Now, many works of fiction are known through their historic opening lines. “They call me Ahab.” “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” “To be or not to be.” Shit no that last one’s from like the middle of Hamlet, but you get the idea. Following this fine literary tradition of opening lines and paragraphs, Robert TM begins his tale thusly-
“My name is Cascrypto, and this is the story of how I became a computer moron (nerd) and a traveller [sic] of time. I was just your nondescript regular average bloke trying my best, albeit unsuccessfully, to make an unusual mark on the world, until my meeting with Robert T.M [sic] (the Mad Programmer, who makes Dr [sic] Frankenstein look like the poster boy for Sanity[sic]).
W…wow. If you think the spelling or grammar (nerd) gets any better…oh, you sweet, naïve child, no, no it does not, but God bless your optimistic little heart. Cascrypto launches into his tale, which begins with our hero drinking Amsterdam on a Friday night when he had a “very dark feeling of boredom.” So he goes to the Red District, which he admits, in hindsight, “was probably a wrong move (or a very good one depending on your angle of perception).” Just, okay we’re sorry we’ll stop quoting it directly, we know how bad the writing it, and how much it must be making your heads hurt.
So with an average of about 10 typos, 20 grammatical errors, and 7 “I…I’m not sure what he’s saying” per paragraph just assumed in the synopsis, let’s continue.
He gets drunk, gets high, and starts flirting with a female attendant (bar…tender?) named Marit. He decides he wants to fuck her in the dark alley behind the clubhouse, because sure, but at least he confirms he has condoms first. In fact, not only does he confirm he has condoms, he doubles down on it, saying (we swear we’ll stop quoting after this), “Marit is an attractive lady, but I doubt there will be anything exciting about waking up one morning to a baby in a basket on my doorstep. Marit with her huge bosom and generous waist looks like a very fertile one I’m not ready to be a father yet.”
Unfortunately, the big-bosomed and, just, super fertile Marit was busy at the bar, and it was late, so he wasn’t able to bang this waitress who at no point actively lets Cascrypto know she’s interested in him in any way. But it gets late, and he runs to catch a train, boarding without a train pass. He is freaking out about this train pass thing. Like, “oh what a thrill, I might get caught by the train inspector, and then I’m going to fucking jail or something.” Let’s take a step back and say that, we have staff who have taken the train from Amsterdam. If you get busted for being on a train without a 20 Euro ticket…you just get like, a 40 Euro fine. That’s fucking it.
Anyway, the train inspector comes into his train, and instead of admitting that he he was a stowaway, he jumps out of the fucking window and breaks his fucking back. Then, when he’s asked, “Why the fuck did you jump out of the train,” he decides, “I can’t let them know I didn’t have a ticket” and tells them he was suicidal. After 3 months in a hospital, he is released as a humpback for whom (okay this is the last thing we’ll quote) “sex was now out of the question, but how can I not have sex? I love women, and I believe they are one of the best things in life, sex is amazing, and I love it, but I was going to now have to do without it.”
Anyway, he becomes a loner and a “computer moron” (?) and then continues to lament that know woman would have sex with him (or, as he romantically describes it, he wanted to meet a girl and “pile drive her to oblivion”) and, well, then he studies about wormholes to go back in time, and then he meets Roberto TM, and he invents time travel, and invents the ability to get rid of paradoxes, and it ends with him going back in time.
The end of chapter one. You can see why we didn’t want to deal with chapter two. But, in order to get people interested in the second chapter, Roberto TM went on to his next genre.
Genre #2: Parody Songs
There is, theoretically, a team behind the Transpotimers. There’s Roberto AKA Transpotime21bus, the “Honourable President of Wireless Coin Founder and Chief of Time.” (Of fucking course we’re lifting these descriptions from their site, we may be drunk but we’re not nearly drunk enough to make this up.) The Vice President Chief of Design and Governance is…”Stillmad”. The “Minister of Technology and Node Passing Deadlines” is Kolo. Metaphilibert is the “Minister of Exchanges Strategic Advisor and Belgian Beer.” (Wait, Belgian beer, what the fuck, really? It really says that?) Sherm77 is the “Minister of Research and Science Terminator of Impossibilities.” And finally, there is Madmat, the “Deputies of News and Forums Untrollable Warrior.”
That…wow. Okay, so anyway, song parodies. Yes, this team is somehow behind a bunch of song parodies that either advertise the book, or, more frequently, advertise their Wireless Coin currency that they’re trying to use to actually fund time travel.
As we’ve been shitting on these guys pretty constantly, we’ll grant them one thing. As a whole, the guys that they have singing their stuff? Not bad. That’s one thing that’s very jarring about these videos, is that the production quality is very shitty in every aspect except for the audio, where the music, or the diction and articulation of their speakers for non-music videos, is usually, like, passable. Like, they sound pretty professional. In the parody songs, the singers are all in the range of, “Hey, if this guy was singing the actual song at karaoke, he might actually get some tail.” But this is not a singing competition, this is an article talking about some crazy fucking people singing some crazy fucking songs about digital currency that will fund time travel. Here are some sample lyrics.
From “THE TRANSPOTIMERS”
(the previously linked Tenacious D spoof)
We can go whenever and wherever we please
Just because we’ve got us
The best bus in the world
We have the best bus in the world
Come into our bus and you will see
Magnetic white light coin technology
It’s our destiny
That second to last line is our best guess, because all of these videos were really lazily written so that they don’t scan as parody songs and the singers have to cram like five syllables where the song only has two. We also have…
From “I’m a transpotimer”
(to the tune of Mr. Brightside by The Killers)
Wireless coin’s the price we pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eye
‘Cause I’m a transpotimer
Which…th..what? Like, you’re not even going to try to make that rhyme land, guy?
There are about a bit more than a half dozen songs in total, and one randomly computer generated one, and…just, okay listen, we’re just saying there might be a reason why the “Songs” section on their actual website is blank. This still is not their stupidest addition to the internet, however. That would be…
Genre #3: Memes
Okay so you….
Wait, what like, do you know what memes are or…
What is this fresh hell we’ve…
Okay we’ll stop, we’ll stop! Oh God, the Transmotimers’ idea of what memes are will haunt us forever.
Let’s go onto their biggest genre, which isn’t so much of a genre as it is a service, but we’re sticking to our own ineffective labeling devices, as we tend to.
Genre #4: Digital Currency
There is one woman among the sea of men involved in this enterprise, who is named Alice (she appears, in digital form, in the computer animated video) who is the one person in the group who actually does not know how to talk to a camera. If you watch the most recent video introduction to Wireless Coin, made in July, 2017, you’ll see a fair amount of crazy being talked about in a very articulate, crisp, professional manner. But then you click on Alice’s video from the above screenshot, and you’re greeted with this mumbly junk. It’s like the soft-talking girlfriend from Seinfeld decided to join a non-threatening cryptocurrency time travel cult. Which, actually, is probably closer to the truth than we intended when we wrote that sentence.
Anyway, you guys know Bitcoin? Basically, they want to make a Bitcoin currency that can more easily be used in the real world. As far as we can tell, they’re trying to get enough seeders to make Wireless Coin a viable digital currency, which as far as ideas go is not the dumbest, as second-to-market digital currency services are increasingly proving to be amazingly profitable. And you know what, we have to tip our hats to these guys for their honesty. They could just try to build a digital currency and center on “hey this will make you money once it matures,” but they’re going all in on the time travel aspect. “Invest in our digital currency….and in TIME TRAVEL.”
So, to recap. The songs were made to advertise the book, originally, but later, they, like the book, served the purpose of advertising for Wireless Coin, a digital currency. And Wireless Coin, which the book, and the songs, and, yes, the God awful memes, all aspire to get you to invest in, exists solely so that the Transpotimers can spend on….
The Goal: Inventing Time Travel
Yes, they assure you that once they get funding, they will then totally have the money and means to invent time travel. And when that happens? Well, you can go on a bus ride. A bus ride through time. They even have this bullshit video telling you that the last spots on the Transpotime21bus are available for *puts hand to ear* oh God we can’t believe this, this is just coming in, just coming in and not scripted, $45 million a ticket.
But they have their goals very clearly laid out for once their bitcoin wannabe pays off. First, they’ll hire several teams of Theoretical Physics students (…wait, can’t shell out for the full on physicists?) to establish the project framework, the winning team of which will build a time travel machine. They won’t do this recklessly, they’ll study time paradoxes and establish rules of engagement to avoid any “problems with changing the past.”
They’ll build a lab and send small objects back in time, move up to animals, then human volunteers, and finally, they’ll send their bus of 30 people back in time.
So there you have it, folks. Time travel is going to happen. And we have a book about a horny dude jumping off a train to thank for it.