“I don’t care what’s inside of it, just give me that burrito.”
Last week we scoured the nation to bring to your attention burritos filled with, oh, let’s say…non-conventional ingredients. We had octopus burritos, pho burritos, hell, even a doughnut burrito, and we came the a simple conclusion. No matter how strange the filling, the burrito still sounded delicious (with the possible exception of that doughnut one). Tortillas are pretty much the perfect vessel for anything delicious, and burritos utilize tortillas to the utmost extent.
But as it turns out, there are plenty of other weird, unusual, somehow-still-wonderous burritos in this fine nation. So we decided to order seconds to present to you…
More of America’s Weirdest, Strangest Burritos (That We’d Probably Eat)
You may remember back in 2016 when Burger King decided to take its Whopper, mash it up and stick it into a tortilla because it hadn’t yet occurred to them that the only way toi compete with Chipotle is to have “someone” put some E. Coli in their fucking food. The end result was the Whopperito, which we feel was, like, fine, but apparently wasn’t that well received. Newsweek’s review of the item, which takes the ingredients of a whopper, minus the condiments, and adds a queso sauce, simply stated that it was “as disgusting as it looks” while Vice’s review of the burger was called, “I Ate Burger King’s Whopperito Because I Am a Trash Person.” So let’s go ahead and call that “mixed reviews.”
From what we’ve gathered, the main issue here is that they tried to lean too heavily into burrito tastes. If the thing had tasted like a whopper, that would have been pretty good. But instead, either through seasoning of the meat or through the queso sauce, it took on more of a spicy taco taste than a standard whopper taste, which definitely would mix strangely with the pickle that gets jammed in there. Honestly we’re still on board with this, but the lesson here is, if you’re making an unusual burrito, don’t try to make it taste “burrito-y.” Just be true to the flavors, and you’ll end up fine. That’s what our next entry did.
Teriyaki Cheesesteak Burrito
Ninjas With Appetite, a food truck based in Santa Ana, California, has a pretty limited menu (what with, you know, being a food truck and all), but the one thing that they do best is teriyaki. They make their own teriyaki sauce, and smother either chicken or beef in it before serving it in bowl, taco, or burrito form. A teriyaki beef burrito is already a pretty unique recipe, possibly worthy of its own inclusion in this article. But in April of 2017, they decided that they needed to elevate their game. And elevate it they did, adding American cheese to their teriyaki beef to make, essentially, a teriyaki cheesesteak burrito.
The gooey, unruly mess gives you the kind of meal that would give a Philly Cheesesteak purist a mini-stroke, but it looks and sounds pretty delicious if you ask us. Honestly, if you can make a good meat and cheese burrito, we completely endorse trying to find strange and fun combinations of the two that you would not expect from a burrito. In fact, we found another California restaurant that did just that…
Brisket and Mac and Cheese Burrito
Ray’s BBQ in Huntington Park, California apparently makes a mean Texas-style dry rub brisket. Or at least, they take enough pride in their brisket that the url for their website is “iwantbrisket.com.” But even though they may have perfected, in their mind, the art form of the brisket, Ray (the owner better be named Ray or we’ve got some fucking questions) doesn’t limit himself to simple brisket dishes. No, he’s a true American entrepreneur, and he branched out. So you can get brisket, sure, but you can also get Brisket fries.
Or, you know, because this is an article about burritos, a brisket burrito, stuffed with mac and cheese and baked beans. If that sounds like a massive overload of meat and carbs that’ll send anyone who eats it into a Rip Van Winkle-esque nap to you, well we just had to doze off for fifteen minutes midway through writing this sentence. So yeah, this is a great burrito idea. Well done, Ray.
…Your name better be Ray, Ray.
Flaming Hot Cheetos Burrito
We live in a world where the most popular taco at a place called Taco Bell uses a shell made out of a cheesy tortilla chip, so it shouldn’t be that surprising that numerous taco joints across the country have come up with the idea of putting Flaming Hot Cheetos in your burrito so your stoned ass doesn’t have to make a late night 7-Eleven run to do it yourself. It’s so simple, we’re frankly shocked that every burrito place doesn’t offer it. Either way, an incomplete list of Flaming Hot Cheetos burrito-slinging establishments include the Wyoming-based chain Taco Johns, Lupe’s Taco Shop in Huntington Beach, Colima’s Mexican Food in San Diego, and Lina’s Mexican Restaurant in Wichita, Kansas. Would we eat any and all of these Flaming Hot Cheeto Burritos? Yes. Would we spend an obscene amount of time on the toilet the next day being punished for our culinary hubris? Sure. Would it be worth it? Like, probably? We’re going to say probably.
Either way, these burritos look delicious.
Cap’n Crunch-Crusted Tilapia Burrito
A tilapia burrito is a little weird in the same way we thought the octopus burrito in our previous burrito article was a little weird. Like, we associate seafood with tacos more than burritos, but we also know that a seafood burrito would taste great. This burrito, offered by the food truck Cucina Zapata in Philadelphia and introduced to the world at large by seriouseats, doesn’t rest its laurels on simply being a “crazy fish burrito.” No, they take tilapia…and bread it with Cap’n Crunch.
The rest of the toppings are not particularly shocking—red cabbage, iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, and Sriracha mustard. But again, it’s Cap’n Crunch-fried fish. Like, it’s Cap’n Crunch-fried fish that we’d eat in a heartbeat, but still. This is an article on weird and unusual burritos, and we’re going to go out on a limb here and say getting children cereals involved counts as weird and unusual.
But that’s not the weirdest direction a burrito can go. We saved that for last…
Cotton Candy Burrito
Yo, what? So, this isn’t technically American, as it was created by a candy shop in Canada, but like most of the good things in Canada (poutine, hockey, Seth Rogan) we’re going to steal it and call it our own. There’s some hot debate on whether or not this is a burrito, since the process essentially involves taking ice cream and wrapping it in cotton candy, but if you create something and decide to string the words “cotton candy burrito” together to name it, we’re not going to quibble with you on the philosophical implications of what defines a burrito, you know?
So yeah. Cotton candy burrito. We’re not even going to try and top that. Hell, we’re not even going to try to make it, because the last time our staff had access to a cotton candy machine, we ended up trying to make whiskey cotton candy, which apparently is “not at all how cotton candy works” and “you’ll hear from our attorneys your deposit is nowhere close to covering the amount of damage you caused this machine, not to mention the damages from the fire it caused.” So we’ll leave the cotton candy burritos to the professionals, but we’ll still gladly chow down this “burrito” as a nice dessert if you want to make it for us.