“The Lottery! Put Us In Your Mouth!”
~Fake Lottery Motto That Hopefully Has Never Been Considered
When we set out to write an article for America Fun Fact of the Day, we’re looking to do a few things. We’re looking to talk about something we might find very interesting, something we didn’t know about before or something we feel someone might not know about. Or, maybe, we’re looking into food, and we want to tell you about all the horrible creations out there, or all the ways that Japan is Doing it Wrong (Goddamn it). We are looking to, maybe with a little humor, expand your knowledge of this terrifyingly large world we find ourselves holding onto for dear life as it spins into oblivion dictated by laws we still don’t fully understand.
Today we are not writing one of those articles. Today we are writing dick jokes.
Official State Lottery Mottos as Euphemisms for Someone’s Junk, Ranked
- Vermont: Good. Clean. Fun.
Booo. Boooooo. That’s the most boring dick joke you could have done. Wait, what’s that? All of these are official State Lottery mottos from around the nation? Well, still. Boo. Boring dick joke.
- Texas: Play the Games of Texas
This one works better if they added, like, “Play the Games of Texas, they’re in deez nuts” or, like, if it referenced throwing dice in some way. As it stands now, this is just incomplete.
- Montana: Winners Happen
Montana’s slogan benefits greatly if you add “in my pants” to the end of it when saying it out loud.
- Tennessee: Just Imagine!
There is a very specific type of person who spends times imagining genitals, and that person is either your best friend or your future stalker murderer, depending on their gender and their sense of humor.
- North Carolina: Gotta Be in It To Win It
Yeah you do. Heh. Heh.
- Georgia: Today Could Be The Day
+20 points if this is referring to a kid going through puberty.
- Virginia: We’re Game
Ha ha, okay, listen Virginia. You can’t go around giving yourself a woman’s name, making your motto “We’re Game” and having a logo that’s just a hand shoved inside a green vagina like that. That’s called “sending mixed messages” and it will get you nowhere.
- Minnesota: What Kind of Mega Millionaire Would You Be
This one’s a reach. We just like to imagine a penis described as a Mega Millionaire. Like. You know. A fancy top hat and monocle and stuff. Is that just us? Let’s just move on.
- Ohio: Take a Chance on Education…Odds are, you’ll have fun!
(More like educate your dick. Nailed it.)
- Kentucky: Get Your Game On
Every single word that a Lottery can use to describe what makes it fun, every single one, is wonderfully hilarious when viewed in a genital context. And if you think that’s just us being childish, that’s your own fault for being dead inside ever since the miscarriage.
- Idaho: Just Play
Wit’ yo-self.
- Florida: Feelin’ Lucky?
This works way better than it should the more you think about it. Switching the emphasis between the words “feelin’” and “lucky” make this slogan one of the more versatile wang-joke providers on our list.
- New Jersey: Give Your Dreams a Chance!
“I got your dreams right here,” replies every single male in Jersey.
- New Hampshire: Get in the Game!
The game can be a lot of things in this scenario, ha ha ha ha, no, just kidding, it’s a vagina. Now get in there, you scamp!
- Vermont: Play a Little
Vermont’s got a bit of a self-esteem issue.
- Washington (General): Whose World Can You Change
This is either a dude making a smooth if aggressive play on a woman, or a really sad person mumbling words of comfort to his penis while he sadly stands naked in front of a mirror. Or, in a perfect world, they’re the same person.
- North Dakota: If You Don’t Buy a Ticket, How is Lady Luck Going to Find You?
Jesus, that’s a mouthful. Ohhhh, ha, well, we walked into that one. But apart from the fact that North Dakota decided to write a fucking Dickens (hahaha, we swear we’re not doing this on purpose, we would totally take credit if we were) novel as their slogan, we can at least appreciate the fact that their weird and out of the blue decision to mention Lady Luck in here is perfect in a dick joke context. So, thanks for that, North Dakota.
- California: Imagine What a Buck Could Do
Heh. Oh we are imagining, California. Yes we are.
- Massachusetts: Someone’s Gotta Win
Two-person intercourse is a race, and whoever tells you differently is one of our ex-girlfriends trying to get back at us.
- Colorado: Don’t Forget To Play
Wit’ yo-self.
- Illinois (Holiday): Joy Someone
We almost didn’t include this one, because we thought we’d be setting a dangerous precedent by adding three slogans from a single state. But then we saw it was “Joy Someone” and, well, we’re only human, how could you expect us to try to ignore that?
- Oregon (Scratchers): Play Time!
It’s the exclamation point that really drives home the masturbation joke buried just below the surface.
- South Carolina: Big Fun, Bright Futures
Bright? Like, a bright pink? A bright red? Would…would you say that?
- Wyoming: Just Maybe
Wyoming didn’t have the lottery until 2014, so you’ll forgive them if they feel like being a bit coy about it.
- Illinois: Anything’s Possible
We thought the logo here, which had a pot of gold, was a bit incomplete, so we added a Kevin Garnett to it.
You’re welcome. Also, we’d like to politely ask you to look at the Kevin Garnett picture, his posture if you will, and consider that this is an article about dick jokes. You are welcome again.
- Arizona: Dream Big, Win Big
Wait for it… what do you have to say to that, Kansas?
- Kansas: Dream Bigger
Boom. There we go.
- New York: Hey – Ya Never Know
No, New York. We know. We know what a Herpes sore looks like. You’re not fooling anyone, New York. Now put that thing away.
- Maryland: Let Yourself Play
Wit’ yo-self.
- Oregon: It Does Good Things
Like…we don’t really have to add anything to this, right? You’re good, readers? Yeah, you’re good.
- California (Powerball): Believe In Something Bigger
The only way this could be more blatant is if they changed the motto to “nine and a half inches and nothing but money.”
- Rhode Island: Dreams Rock
This just makes us think about that scene from The Wire where Frank Sobotka talks about how he has three and a half inches of hard blue steel when talking about his penis, which is the most confident yet self-deprecating thing ever said on this planet.
- Iowa: Have Some Fun Already!
(Note- best for average or smaller penises)
- Washington: Department of Imagination
(Note- best for flaccid penises)
- Minnesota (Scratchers): Break Out and Live a Little
Excuse us, we have something in our eyes. It’s just so beautiful. So perfect.
- Connecticut: Don’t Let The Big One Get Away!
Okay, now they’re actually fucking with us, right? They know what they’re doing here, right?
- Kentucky: Odds Are, You’ll Have Fun
Not with that attitude, Kentucky. Believe in yourself.
- Illinois: Have a Ball
Oh God, what happened to the other one? What happened to the other one?
- Oregon (Raffle): It’s Gravy, Baby!
Haha, whaaaat? This one’s by far the grossest entry on the list. If you can’t figure out why…wait for it…wait for it…there it is.
- Louisiana (Scratchers): Play it Cool
Chicks really dig a guy with self-confidence, Louisiana. Just don’t come off as too eager. Play it cool, man. Play it cool.
- New Mexico: Benefiting New Mexico’s Future
Huh, “benefit” eh? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
- Pennsylvania: Benefits Older Pennsylvanians, Every Day
Hahahaha! Apparently so. This is our favorite article ever.
America Fun Fact of the Day 