The Informative American: CUBA! COMMUNISTS! CAPITALIZED LETTERS! (Originally Published June, 1959)

“This Fidel Castro character won’t last.  That beard is far too absurd.”

~U.S. Politics in the 1950’s

It’s remarkable to think about how things used to put us on edge in the past when they seem pretty innocuous right now.  Similar to looking back at fads you partook in as a child (pogs, anyone?) when you look at what the nation feared years ago, and compare it to how we view them now, it all seems pretty silly.  The most relevant example we as a staff can think of would have to do with the fervor surrounding Fidel Castro and Cuba.

Yes, we get it, having a communist power so close to America during the Cold War’s perpetual game of nuclear chicken was probably very terrifying at the time.  But we’re talking about a man who America unsuccessfully tried to poison the beard of who now is considered such an afterthought that most of you reading this aren’t sure if he’s alive (he is) or if he’s still in power (he is not).

Of course, our stacks of archives from the 1950s remembers everything, and we have no shame about pointing out how incorrect our views were in the 1950’s.  So that is why we present you today with…

The Informative American:  CUBA!  COMMUNISTS!  CAPITALIZED LETTERS!  (Originally Published June, 1959)


Shock!  Terror!  Exclamation marks!  By now you no doubt have found yourself dealing with the massive repercussions of Cuba being ramshackled by the Godless Communists, and while you may still enjoy their fine cigars, you might be asking yourself, “Am I being un-American if I continue to travel there to use their concubines?”

Fortunately, the answer is “just so long as you wear a blindfold made out of the American flag” but at that point you might as well focus your attentions on one of your mistresses, since the apartment you’re renting her in the city shouldn’t cost too much more than the suddenly-more-expensive flights down to Cuba.

Yes, the efforts of this Fidel Castro gentleman have changed the fair country of Cuba in the most unfortunate ways.  While some of you might wonder the veracity of our data, saying that it is impossible for things such as “an entire nation of people evolving tails” to occur after just a few short months of Communist rule, we’d point out to you that the kind of person making such accusations likely was once a member of the Communist Party, and we will get you so blacklisted.

So before those dirty Communists try to throw around their falsified “science” here is a list of things changes that have occurred to the nation of Cuba ever since their fall to Communism.

1.       The sands of the beaches of Cuba have been replaced with a black, tar like substance.  This of course seeps out from the dark, twisted tendrils of Satan himself, since Communism is his favorite ideology apart from hedonism.

2.       As mentioned earlier, every member of Cuba who has embraced the Communist doctrine has grown a tail, and their fingers have been replaced by sharp knives that can only be seen by true Americans.

3.       The tobacco in their cigars have now become filled with various elements that encourage the development of cancer (of course all other, non-Communist tobaccos are free from this concern).

4.       Fidel Castro’s beard is actually made out of the hair of doll’s stolen by Cuban agents from our American daughters.  If that sounds like the most terrifying thing imaginable that’s because it is.

5.       Cuban food now has been specially formulated to give American bowels great distress.  We cannot stress this enough:  do not eat the food in Cuba.

With this quick guide, hopefully you now will know certain things to avoid while you visit Cuba in the future.  Of course, this is all relevant since there is no conceivable way the government would, say, shut down our ability to visit or receive goods from the country.  So in the meantime, we’ll just be extra careful.

Careful for Communists.

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