“Another beer pong post? Really?”
America is a land of innovation. And as we have embraced beer pong, so too have we expanded it, even beyond the various house rules listed above. America is a land where you can find Doritos that are flavored like Tacos. You can find strawberry flavored milk, and if you’re younger than 10, it’s probably the best fucking thing you’ve ever tasted. Hell, this is the country that decided to invent PIZZA FLAVORED RANCH DRESSING. Do you remember that shit?
So who’s to tell us what we can and can’t use as alcohol for Beer Pong? If we live in a land with Pizza Flavored Ranch Dressing (in the 90’s) then we should be allowed to put fucking goldschlager in those cups if we want to. There are a variety of ways that Americans have celebrated the glory of beer pong, including-
– Standard Shitty Beer
o Regional differences apply, obviously. Hipsters are more likely to use PBR, Midwesterners are more likely to use Old Style, Bud Light tried to get in on that whole thing with this really lame “Bud Pong” Beer Pong kit that they insisted was only supposed to be used with water (not that water is much different than Bud Light, amiright or amiright?). Busch Lite, Coors Light, and Keystone Lite can all be used for their “you can drink a shit ton of it without really noticing” qualities. Ice House is used if you want to get drunk, since it is the strongest alcohol percentage of the cheap beers.
– Standard Shitty Beer Subset- Milwaukee’s Best
o If you are at a party where Milwaukee’s Best is being used for Beer Pong, you’d better watch your ass because the host of that party obviously must have a very big vendetta against someone at the party, and he’s trying to get back at him by forcing that foul swill down his or her throat. When Milwaukee’s Best is the beer for Beer Pong at a party, look for an exit because there is a decent chance that there will be a shootout at some point that night. And not just because Milwaukee’s Best is really trashy, but also, yeah, totally because Milwaukee’s Best is really trashy.
o Epic Americans throughout history have attempted to tackle the Guinness Pong. It is meant for those with stomachs of lead, with the alcohol tolerance of elephants (no matter how much they drink, they never forget), and, let’s be honest, it’s for people who are willing to drop, like, 20 bucks on three games of beer pong. When an opponent sinks one of your cups, you don’t even feel bad, because the white ping pong ball sitting in the black beer just looks…right. This is also one of the most delicious ways to get competitively drunk.
– Boxed-Wine (aka, “shit we’re out of beer, what else can we use?”)
o At every point in a session of Beer Pong, you come to realize that one case of beer doesn’t really last that many games. At four beers a game, you can only go about six games in before you are forced to find viable substitutes. Enter, cheap boxed-wine. It will stain your table, stain your teeth, make your apartment smell like a hobo the next day, and give you a splitting hangover. If there was anything in that sentence that didn’t sound like America to you, kindly pack your bags and go back to Canada.
o America, anyone? When we grew tired of experimenting with various beers for Beer Pong purposes (AFFotD schedule. Noon- lunch. 1PM- Skydiving. 2PM- Beer Pong. 3PM-4PM- Nap. Whenever the hell we wake up- drunkenly send out the Fun Fact of the Day) so we switched things up. To Bourbon. Because, hey, this is America right? It was both the best and worst idea we’ve ever had. Without the opportunity to savor the Bourbon, we still appreciated the rich taste after each opponent strike, and the disapproving glares from our spouses when we come home and they ask, “Why do you reek of liquor? Again?” However, as an everyday activity, it began to wear us down pretty heavily. That’s why we’ve cut ourselves down to two games of Bourbon Pong a week, and it’s partly responsible for yesterday’s half-assed Fact of the Day.
o This is not American. Get out of our house. You think we’re joking? No. Stop being a pussy and drink beer like an American, dammit.
– Fruit Juice, Pop, Etc.
o Usually this will be used in games where your friend’s girlfriend that no one really likes is playing, and your friend is feeling too drunk to be willing to drink his girlfriend’s cups for her. This game is usually a waste of everyone’s time.
– Mixed Drinks
o This occurs in the same instance as the previous entry, the difference being that in this case, your buddy’s girlfriend is actually really cool, and though she doesn’t like beer, she’s totally down to make it mixed drinks so everyone can get really smashed while playing. A second scenario where this may occur can be seen in Boxed-Wine, when you are out of beer, and all that remains is vodka and energy drinks or cranberry juice.
– Belgium Beer
o We at the AFFotD have only heard rumor of underground games using high-alcoholic Belgium beers, but filled to the same level as a regular game of beer pong. Finding entry to these games are harder than getting invited to the UBF League (Underground Bear Fighting, as mentioned in December the 10th Fun Fact). The extreme cost, plus extreme quality of the beer, makes using this beer in this manner almost wasteful. That’s right. They waste an expensive product produced by another country. America.
All Americans have that one legendary Beer Pong story, and each night is a new opportunity for Pong related moments of passion, intensity, and alcohol poisoning. A news outlet once reported that the CDC claimed that Beer Pong actively increased the likelihood of receiving various transmittable diseases, to which the CDC responded, “we never fucking said that, assholes.” Why? Because Beer Pong is so epic it is even recognized by the Center for Disease Control as being awesome. So this weekend, if you find yourself with some cups, a table, ping pong balls, and beer, well…you know what to do.