“You know the more we write in-depth articles on this, the less we’re able to get away with ‘if you don’t like this lol ignore us we’re dumb’ right?”

~AFFotD’s Lawyers

Oh boy…

Last month, we sat down and wrote 18,000 words in a very off-brand attempt to take a snapshot at how each state and territory was handling closing and reopening during the COVID-19 pandemic. Of those 18,000 words, 149 were “fuck”, 89 were “fucked”, 20 were “fucking” and we tossed in a single instance of fucker and fuckers in there for good measure. This is the level of discourse we bring to the table here at America Fun Fact of the Day.

The reaction was actually far less angry than we anticipated—we had one guy gripe that our article was “dumb” and that there was a lot of “needless profanity.” Keep in mind, this was an individual who willingly read a punishingly massive article called “Who Fucked Up” so the term dumb is kind of relative, isn’t it?

Anyway, similarly, our follow up to that article is a very stupid and pointless enterprise. You should know going into this, we’re not doctors, we’re not trying to be political but somehow us talking about masks will be viewed as such, and we swear a bunch and write while drunk. If you care enough about our opinion to get upset, you really need to re-evaluate how you consume your news, Tucker.

Obviously when we made the decision to write this article two weeks ago, things looked a little less….um…listen we want to keep this light and humorous because the world is on fire and we might as well play some pretty songs while we go down with this ship.

So let’s do this! We’re going to list every state and territory, showing how they looked in June and how they look now. We’ll do a basic rundown of the initial shutdowns and reopenings of each one, reveal if we thought they had fucked up at the time, discuss any further reopenings (or, sigh, new closings), and finally we’ll ask have they fucked up, or are they fucking up.

It’s very scientific. And by scientific, we mean, what’s the opposite of scientific? Oh right, drunk people looking at charts and making broad generalizations about a very serious thing while shoehorning in some dick jokes. GodDAMNit we didn’t make a joke about Florida looking like a wang in our last article, did we? We should rectify that.

Sorry, we got distracted for a moment. ANYWAY. HERE WE GO.

Who Fucked Up Part 2: How States Are Handling Reopening One Month Since Our Last Check-in

Yeah, we were hoping this article would be a bit more optimistic, considering that a month ago 20 states were seeing a rise in cases. Now that number has doubled to 40. Whoops. We should probably make a joke here to lighten the mood.

As always, we will make timely edits if you comment with polite corrections to some of our data points, and will promptly respond “fuck you, you sound like you suck at parties” to people who comment with unhelpful dickery.

And trust us, we will have NO patience for anyone who decides to go all QAnon about our “controversial” decision to include mask regulations in this. We’ve literally had 56 Google Alerts regionally set for coronavirus stories set up for the past two weeks, meaning every day we’ve gone through hundreds of truly depressing, soul-sucking articles.

Every single version of “30-year-old Alabama man who went to COVID party dies from COVID, and if everyone wore masks in public this would be over with entirely in six weeks” is shit we’ve had to read every day for this arguably unnecessary follow up article.

That is some HEAVY SHIT to go through to make some dick jokes and hopefully nudge people to make some minor changes to their lifestyles, temporarily, so that this article can truly become a quaint little relic of that really shitty year that was 2020. It is currently fucking with our brain chemistry, and we don’t have time for your shit. Wear a fucking mask.

Anyway.

With all that out of the way, let’s dive in! This is going to be long and borderline unnecessary!

A quick explainer on the blue lines you’ll see on these charts. The June lines signify the shut down dates, and each subsequent reopening. The July line basically is there to mark June 14th, so you can see what’s changed in the past month.

Alabama

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

They were fucking up, yeah. This was one of the states where, when we started writing our initial article, we felt that the next few weeks will determine if they fucked up or not.

Then their cases shot up over the course of five days. So we landed on a yes on this one.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Shelter-in-place was ordered on April 4th (late!), Phase One on May 11th opened up gyms, bars, restaurants and hair salons and barbershops, which we decided to shorten to simply “HAIR STUFF.”

Phase Two, on May 22nd, opened up all retail and theaters as well as other businesses to 50% capacity.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 30th, the “Safer At Home” order, a.k.a. Phase Two, was extended from ending July 3rd to July 31st, though nothing was rolled back. If you try to search for “Alabama COVID Reopening after June” on Google, you basically get the result of “New Phone Who Dis?”

Are Masks Mandatory?

We can’t believe we have to actually add this category, but apparently all y’all stubborn, childish, tantrum-throwing, self-entitled, conspiracy theorist motherfuckers actually have tried to make doing the bare minimum to slow the spread of this fucking blight a political issue. Seriously, if you’re reading this and think it’s offensive to be told WEAR A FUCKING MASK, please launch yourself into the fucking sun.

Anyway, of course Alabama doesn’t require that you wear a mask.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

With almost 5 million people, Alabama is the 24th largest state in the nation. It has the 19th most cases and the 13th most cases per capita. Both of those numbers have gone up in just the past week. They’re also being very stubborn on the mask thing.

And Christ! Look at that curve!

They’re fucking up.

Alaska

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No, things were trending up, but the number of cases were so low that we gave them a pass.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down surprisingly early (for how remote they are) on March 28th. April 24th opened up retail, restaurants, hotels, camping and gyms at 25% capacity. May 8th bumped that up to 50%, while opening museums, HAIR STUFF and, most importantly, BARS at 25%.

The state basically re-opened on May 22nd, though Anchorage did so a little less fully. It’s our duty to remind you that Anchorage’s stay-at-home order was called a “hunker down” order. Alaska is so fucking precious we can’t stand it.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

They’ve yet to open anything else, but they’ve not shut anything down.

Are Masks Mandatory?

No, but Anchorage issued a mask order on June 29th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They’ve been setting daily records in terms of cases on a semi-regular basis the past 10 days or so…but no. There are still far too few cases right now for us to drag Alaska for their COVID response.

Arizona

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Hahahaha oh Jesus Christ, yeah. When we posted our initial article they had fired off a stretch of four days in a row with numbers higher than they had ever seen previously.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They hunkered down March 31st. May 8th opened up HAIR STUFF. May 11th opened up restaurants. May 13th opened up gyms and pools.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

They closed tribal casinos on June 19th, and on June 29th, bars, gyms, movie theaters clubs and waterparks got shut for thirty days.

Are Masks Mandatory?

No. On June 17th, Governor Doug Ducey said that cities could enact their own rules. Very nice of him. Phoenix pretty immediately jumped on that and put a measure in place.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Oh, by every metric possible. They went from “hahah oh yeah they’re fucking up” to “Jesus Christ, they’re fucking up, what can we do to help these poor people?”

Their number of cases have almost quadrupled in the past month. The last few days have seen drops, though they’re still seeing more daily cases than at any point when we last wrote about them, which if you want good news that’s the best we can do in 2020.

We will take a step back from the easy “look at the chart, they’re doing reaaal bad” analysis to point out that, yes, their fatality rates are lower than many other states, which is a good thing, because we at America Fun Fact of the Day take the controversial approach that Americans dying is BAD.

Speaking of bad, like…in terms of fatalities, which we feel fucking gross bringing up but it is a thing to consider…like that number has doubled. In a month. Which is fucking tragic. And not good.

Also we feel it’s our duty, as childish people talking about a very serious thing, to point out that the Governor of Arizona is named Doug Ducey. Heh. Douchey.

Arkansas

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

This one jumped up while we were writing the article, so we landed on “we’re not saying they fucked up, but right now, it’s not looking great.”

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They never issued a shelter-in-place, which is WILD. They randomly opened stuff up between May 4th and May 18th, which opened up everything to 50% capacity, while limiting restaurants to 33%. The day we published our original article, they bumped everything up to 2/3 capacity, with groups up to 50 permitted.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Everything has more or less stayed the same since June 15th.

Are Masks Mandatory?

No. They’re “suggested, not required.” On June 18th Governor Asa Hutchinson was being kind of an Ass-a (Jesus fucking Christ, we’re the worst) by saying that the state can override any county that issues a mask mandate. Which, um, fucking what? Why?Ummmmmm… fuck you, Ass-a?

Anyway, cases kept going up so on July 3rd Ass-a said, “Okay fine, if you want to demand masks, you can do it, it’s just not going to be state-wide.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Their cases have well more than doubled in the past month. THEY SHOULD BE WEARING MASKS! They have the 18th most cases-per-capita and the 33rd highest population. So yeah, they’ve fucked up.

The good news is they’re one of like ten states or whatever whose cases over a two week span are currently holding relatively steady, so if they’ve reached their peak their numbers don’t start rising over next month, we can reverse our decision on Ass-a’s fuckery.

California

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We hedged our bets and were like, “Well the anti-opening people would say no because imagine how much worse it COULD have been, and the people who want to open up the economy would say yes because it’s a liberal state that shut down fast and still keeps seeing a rise in cases” and sort of left it at that. At the time, though, California could at least claim to have one of the lower numbers in terms of cases-per-capita.

(We’re going to be a little less generous in our assessment of this state’s performance in this article, just an fyi.)

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They were the first state to shut down, doing so on March 19th. They began opening up on a county-by-county basis on May 8th, which allowed retail and manufacturing. May 25th let church services up to 100 (or 25% capacity, whichever is smaller) happen, and on June 12th bars and restaurants opened with restrictions.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On July 1st, indoor restaurant seating, wineries, theaters, zoos, and card rooms (???) were shut back down for at least three weeks in most of the state, and more counties got added as *motions at the wreckage wildly* all this shit kept happening. And on July 13th, that was put in place state-wide.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, they went ahead and made it state-wide on June 18th. Before that, some people were kind of assholes about it, like Orange County, which is trying its hardest to come off as California’s Florida by flooding their city council with violent threats to the point that their chief health officer had to step down. For saying, “wear a fucking mask.” The fuck is wrong with people?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Sigh. Yeah. They are.

Really California is getting the worst of both worlds. A lot of the Southern states surging right now focused on keeping their economies open, and maybe opened a bit too recklessly. California was one of the first states to shut down, they were one of the more cautious states to open up….but that curve has never come close to flattening. In fact, as of yesterday they were seeing a 7.4% rate of positive tests, versus two weeks ago where that number was at 6.1%.

So yeah. California’s still seeing a surge, which sucks. Despite being cautious in their reopening, they probably should have paused those plans as cases kept rising, which is why they’ve had to dial back.

There is one area where you can say they’re not fucking up, and that’s their cases and deaths per capita. Both rank about in the middle of the nation compared to other states, despite California being the largest state in the nation by about 11 million people.

Really, California has places like San Francisco that are not fucking up, and places like Los Angeles or, ugh, Orange County, who are VERY MUCH fucking up. Goddamn it, The OC.

Colorado

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Naw, they were doing pretty fine.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They closed on March 27th, retail businesses opened May 1st, and May 27th opened restaurants at 50% capacity (up to 50 people).

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Bars and nightclubs opened with limited capacity on June 19th.

Annnnnd closed again on June 30th. (You can still order to-go drinks because THIS. IS. AMERICA.)

Are Masks Mandatory?

No, they’re one of the states where it’s “strongly recommended.” But on June 4th Governor Jared Polis issued an executive order that said stores were allowed to refuse service to people without masks, and some counties have enacted their own mandates.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They’re in a second peak, and they’ve had to walk back opening bars, but, current surge aside, as of now they’re not fucking up.

Connecticut

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

They had handled COVID pretty damn well.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Connecticut shut down on March 23rd, and kept things locked down for over two months. On May 20th, they opened retail spaces at 50% capacity, and HAIR STUFF opened with restrictions on June 1st.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On July 6th, they paused their third phase for the “foreseeable future” which means that bars stayed close, and there’d be no increased capacities for restaurants and gyms. So that leaves restaurants at 50% capacity (weirdly enough, bar seating factors in that count, even though bars can’t open). Indoor private gatherings are capped at 25, outdoor gatherings can’t surpass 100.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, since April 20th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

No! Granted, their cases-per-capita is crazy high (7th highest in the nation! Yikes!), but pretty much each East Coast state got hit much harder, especially in March, than the other states where cases came in more gradually. Since taking their lumps in April, Connecticut has been fairly steady and low.

Delaware

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Naw. They closed for a LONG time, but things were kept pretty much under control.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on March 24th, and most businesses opened at 30% capacity on June 1st. On June 15th occupancy jumped up to 60% capacity.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Phase Three was planned to take place on June 29th, but it was delayed on July 25th. If it had gone through, it would basically continue to roll things back, and also allow vulnerable populations to stop sheltering-in-place, which seems ill-advised.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, since April 28th.

Most states at least have been suggesting masks politely for a while, but as you’ll see making them mandatory this early in the game is extremely uncommon compared to the rest of the country.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They seem to be doing fine. Like Connecticut, and most of the East Coast, their per-capita-numbers are rough. But they’ve continued to be cautious, and after a slight dip they seem to be fairly stable. And they were relatively early to the MUST MASK game.

Florida

Florida is the state that gave us Florida Man, and it looks like a wang. We apologize to all readers for failing to address these important points in our previous article, instead focusing on frivolous stuff like how they were mishandling the pandemic in a truly terrifying way.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Jesus Christ, what a question. Did the team that filled the Hindenburg with hydrogen fuck up? At the time we said:

Florida’s literally the poster child of how to fuck up this pandemic.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on April 3rd, then opened retail, restaurants, and museums at 50% on May 4th. On June 5th, bars, theaters and bowling alleys opened at 50% capacity. If you were to guess which of those two opening dates was the one that opened up live sporting events, you’d be wrong, cause lol, that happened in May.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 26th, Florida shut down bars, and on the 28th they started closing some beaches for the 4th of July weekend.  Miami-Dade Counties closed down their restaurants on July 6th.

Schools are planning on opening in August though. And Disney reopened on July 11th.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Fuck you.

But yeah, no, there’s no statewide mandate, and probably won’t be? We know we’ve been shitting on Florida pretty intensely, and will continue to do so in the next section, but we will point out that the lack of a mandate isn’t quite as bad as it looks.

There are other states that are much more stubborn on the topic—counties are welcome to put their own mandates in place, and the state government won’t interfere with those. It sounds insane to say that like it’s anything above the absolute bare minimum, but some states actually try to stop counties from doing that.

Anyway, most of the more highly populated areas in the state require masks. Hell, fucking Jacksonville requires masks. If you’re out there refusing to wear a mask when even Jacksonville is like, “Yo even we think that’s a bad idea” you really need to rethink your priorities.

Speaking of masks, and Jacksonville, and idiots, we’d like to introduce you to this fucker, Anthony Sabatini, who is suing Jacksonville for making him wear a mask, and who should rightfully go down in history as being wrong, dumb, and a background character in a season four episode of The Sopranos. 

Our point being, they’re at least not being purposely obtuse on the mask thing. Well, in general. It is Florida after all.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

What the fuck are you doing, Florida? We’re like, actually upset at you by this point.

On June 25th, Florida saw just over 5,000 new cases. It was their second consecutive day over 5,000. Illinois has had only one day with over 4,000 cases, and that was back in May 12th.

The next say, cases jumped to a staggering 8,942. That was brushed off as the result of more testing, and specifically a “big test dump” that occurred on the 26th.

…Then they saw 9,585 cases on the 27th. And cracked 10,000 cases on July 2nd. A number they’ve surpassed six times since. (Florida is now tied with New York for the most number of days with over 10k cases, at seven. New York last saw that many on April 25th. Florida did it yesterday).

And as you probably heard, they had over 15,000 two days ago, or just over 20% more cases than New York ever saw in a single day. Over the past week, Florida has been responsible for 75,988 of the nation’s 421,762 cases. That’s 18% of the entire nation! Holy shit!

Florida. Fucked. Up.

Georgia

So Atlanta’s mayor, who had been among the most cautious local leaders in the state when it came down to re-opening the economy and setting requirements, came down with COVID on July 6th. Everything is fine.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

At the time we said no, but we were hesitant. Specifically we said:

It doesn’t seem so, but we’d say it’s 50/50 on if they’ll keep going down or see rates spike back up

*tugs at collar*

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

April 2nd saw their shelter-in-place order, gyms, tattoo parlors, HAIR STUFF and bowling alleys opened on April 24th, with social clubs and restaurants opening up three days later. Bars and night clubs up to 35 people or 25% capacity opened on June 1st.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Starting June 16th, movie theaters opened, and there was no limit to how many people can sit together at a party, which is a weirdly specific way to phrase gatherings that no other state has utilized.

Live performance venues opened on July 1st, and you can hold conventions (nope this is not a bit) if you meet 21 very specific requirements (we assure you this is not a bit).

Meanwhile, Atlanta’s Keisha Lance Bottoms, who did test positive for COVID though thankfully is asymptomatic, announced on July 10th her intention to roll the city back to Phase 1, which was basically all of y’alls March. So they’re back to “Stay at home except for essential trips.”

Are Masks Mandatory?

No. They’re a “strongly encouraged but we aren’t here to tell you what to do” state. Savannah, Atlanta, Athents-Clarke County, Brookhaven, College Park, Decatur, Doraville, East Point, and South Fulton all require masks, and the state was at one point “considering” if they’re going to take legal action against cities and counties that put their own mask mandates in place before realizing that would be “stupid.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Cases have doubled in the past month and they are at their current high. Their largest city, which had been more cautious in reopening than the rest of the state even though the state government for some reason tried to get in the way of that, has basically shut down and their nice Mayor who is trying to do right caught the fucking virus.

They are the 8th most populous state, and have the 8th most cases. We’ll let you decide if you think they’re fucking up or not.

(IT’S NOT LOOKING GREAT!)

Hawaii

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No. They were ticking up, but they literally had fewer than 20 cases the day we posted our original article.

By the way, and this might be a thing that only we think is funny, but Hawaii’s re-opening site didn’t bother to even put a logo on their WordPress page. We literally pay like $15 a year to run this site, and we figured out how to get a logo there. And we are NOT tech savvy people.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING. March 25th. Keep in mind, a decent amount of states didn’t take that step until a full week later. Also keep in mind, Hawaii is literally the most geographically isolated population center on Earth.

May 6th opened up retail spaces, hotels and, um, shopping malls. May 15th opened up most retail and manufacturing, with social distancing. June 5th opened up restaurants, gyms, museums HAIR STUFF and theaters.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

O’ahu reopened bars on June 19th, with no live music and restrictions. The plan is to open the state to tourism on August 1st, but the mayor of Honolulu is “concerned.”

Are Masks Mandatory?

As of July third the island of O’ahu requires masks at indoor public spaces, and masks have been required to visit essential businesses since April 20th in the whole state. Violators can be fined up to $5,000 or a year in prison.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

No. They’re so isolated and cases are still so low that even though they’re well in a second peak, they’ve still only had more than 40 cases a day twice.

Idaho

Great to know that everyone is being calm and rational about this whole thing.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No. They shut down surprisingly early, and had pretty stable, and low, numbers.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They instituted shelter-in-place on March 25th, when they had fifty cases. On May 1st they opened offices, retail and churches. Gyms, restaurants and HAIR STUFF opened on May 16th, and bars and theaters opened on the 30th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

What we didn’t mention was that Idaho went into Phase Four on June 13th, which allowed gatherings of 50, and let nightclubs open up. Stage Five was originally was going open up on June 20th, but that got extended to July 10th, and later to July 23rd.

On June 26th Ada county, which contains Boise, rolled back into Phase Three, which still allows bars, movie theaters, and gatherings of 10 indoors, 50 outdoors.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Not statewide. Boise (population 230,000) mandated masks on July 4th, and Hailey (population 8,500), Moscow (26,000), McCall (3,500) and Driggs (1,800) all mandate masks. The other like seventeen people in the state can do what they want.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Um…probably? Their cases have tripled in just a month. It’s not dire at the moment, which is good news, but Idaho’s one of the states that most of us forget exists, so it’s a bit unsettling to see them surging so strongly given that the population is, as far as we can tell, Boise State fans and like three cattle farmers.

Illinois

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Nope. Of the high-population states, they never had a precipitous rise in cases, and they were steadily trending downward.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They closed bars and restaurants on March 16th, and officially began shelter-in-place on March 21st. May 1st allowed for fishing, boating, and religious services of 10 or fewer. May 29th opened up HAIR STUFF, outdoor restaurant seating, gatherings of 10, and one-on-one gym sessions were allowed.

In Chicago, they waited until early June to start these phases, and bars that didn’t serve food had to stay shut, even if they had outdoor seating. The rationale behind that was, and we’re not making this up, that drunk people are going to be less effective at social distancing, so if the bar doesn’t also serve food, it’s at higher risk, even for just outdoor seating.

As practiced drunks, our staffs take offense at that hypothesis. But first, c’mere, look at this video on our phone, no, you gotta get REAL CLOSE to see it.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 26th, all of Illinois (including Chicago) moved to Phase Four, which opened bars and indoor dining at 25%, with a maximum of 50 people. Gatherings of 50 in general are allowed. In theory movie theaters were allowed to open, but they’re still trying to figure how…to…make that work.

(And yup, strip clubs were part of Phase Four too. PRIORITIES!)

Assuming Illinois doesn’t have to roll back (which, sadly, is a generous but hopeful assumption) the next stage opens everything. Which will happen when…the virus has been VANQUISHED. So like 2031.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, since May 1st.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Full disclosure—the guy we’ve got writing this article lives in Chicago. So there could be bias.

But Illinois as a state ranks 6th in population, and 6th in COVID cases (though at current rates Arizona will surpass Illinois in about a week). Per-capita they rank 12th. They’re trending upwards currently, though it’s been a slow uptick, and they’ve consistently seen fewer than 3% of their tests come back positive. To put that in perspective, the WHO says that the threshold to open should be 14 days of sub-5% positive test results.

Right now we’re landing on a very hesitant “no.” But honestly, indoor seating and bars opened up just a few weeks ago, so over the next week it can stay relatively steady and be a non-fuck up…or it can spike, and all the Florida residents who are tired on being shat on (we get it, we’ve read all the Florida Man stories) can point to them and say, “They suck too.”

The rule to this entire fucking year is…there are no easy narratives. Never forget that, dear reader.

Indiana

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No. They were one of the states that opened up pretty quickly, but they didn’t get hit particularly hard. Indianapolis shut down more than the rest of the state, and they never had a huge peak, and were trending down.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They pulled off the band-aid and issued shelter in place on May 24th, opened retail and restaurants at 50% capacity on May 4th, bumped that up to 75% on May 22nd, and opened bars, museums, zoos, movie theaters, bowling alleys, amusement parks, and water parks at 50% capacity on June 12th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Casinos reopened on June 17th, and Stage 4.5 started on July 4th, to run through July 17th. It includes language like “Hoosiers 65 and over…should adhere to social distancing guidelines.” We suspect the “calling all Indiana residents Hoosiers casually” was intentionally included to make our staff call out, in unison, “OH FUCK OFF.”

Phase 4.5 opened fairs, festivals, and conventions under circumstances. For the record we call dibs on using “Conventions Under Circumstances” as a band name.

Are Masks Mandatory?

On July 9th, Indianapolis made masks mandatory in indoor spaces. And increasingly, more and more cities and counties are requiring them. On a state-wide level, though, there are no mask regulations.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

This could take a turn for the bad, but they’re still a no one month later. Yes, we see the direction things are moving, but considering that the nation’s been averaging 20,000 cases MORE every day than they were a month ago, we’re a bit more lenient on the “who fucked up” scale.

Considering their cases versus their actual population (They’re the 17th most populous state, and are 20th in total cases) we can say that, though they’re in the danger zone, they’re not quite in the fuck up zone.

Iowa

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Even though it looked like a no, it was probably a yes—they had the 11th most cases per-capita, despite being the nation’s 36th most densely populated state.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They NEVER issued shelter in place, but restaurants, bars, theaters and such all closed on March 17th. On May 1st, restaurants, gyms and, randomly, racetracks opened at 50%  capacity, and they phased out openings from May 15th through May 28th on a county-by-county basis, opening up tattoo shops, massage parlors, movie theaters, and zoos. Also, bars opened at 50%.

By June 12th they had pretty much opened everything.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Nothing’s been closed, and most everything’s been opened. On July 1st schools opened? The good part of that is that, you know, it’s summer, so there isn’t school. Unless their executive branch doesn’t…know how schools work?

Oh right, the bad part. Schools won’t require masks, social distancing, or health checks. Which seems…irresponsible? The good news is, we have time, so by the time schools start again, maybe things will look better? Don’t fuck this up Iowa.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Lol of course they fucking aren’t. This resource we found that listed all the mask requirements for each state (even the states without requirements at least mandate “if you’re working at a restaurant you need to wear one”) didn’t even bother with Iowa. Just left that shit blank.

In fact, Governor Kim Reynolds refuses to allow cities or counties to make mask requirements, because it’s “not consistent with her public health disaster proclamation.” Which…w…what public health disaster proclamation would…specifically say…you can’t make people wear masks? What the actual fuck, Kim?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Yeah, they’ve been stubborn as shit during this whole thing. The good news is they’re only 15th in cases-per-capita now, thanks largely to surges from South Carolina, Alabama and Florida.

Kansas

Fun fact (sorry for lying it’s not fun at all!): On July 7th a study came out that showed that Kansas was seeing the 13th fastest rise in cases, while having the 13th fewest restrictions. Isn’t symmetry nice? We laugh so we don’t fully freak out! Ha ha!

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Other than the fact that they called their re-opening plan “Ad Astra: Plan to Reopen Kansas” instead of the vastly superior “There’s No Place Like Home” they had not fucked up.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on March 30th, allowed gatherings of 10 or fewer on May 4th, jumped that number to 15 on May 22nd, and opened almost everything with groups of 45 allowed on June 8th. They were on pace of removing just about every restriction on June 22nd.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 22nd, Governor Laura Kelly decided to keep the state in Phase Three.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, they made masks mandatory on July 3rd. 80% of counties then said, “Naw.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

If you just look at the numbers, the answer is no. They rank in the 30s in population and in cases-per-capita. But if you look at that chart, and that record high just recorded, the answer is yes.

We’ll hold off judgement for now, but if we do another one of these in a month because we’re gluttons for punishment, we would bet on the answer being “yes” at that time.

Kentucky

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We weren’t sure. We said “a soft yes” largely depending on how the following few weeks shook out.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Fuck off. They had 10 (TEN!) fucking re-opening dates. We’re not listing those again. They closed on March 26th, let groups of 10 and 33% capacity restaurants exist on May 22nd, and June 15th allowed groups of 50 while opening bars.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

After goddamn ten phases, they kept that shit going. June 18th opened government facilities to 50% capacity. Funeral services and retail (boy as far as businesses to combine, those are strange bedfellows) allowed 50% on June 20th. June 22nd let restaurants open at 50%.

Personal services (hair, tats, nails, and um, what’s a good shorthand for massages…handjobs?) bumped up to 50% on June 25th, and June 29th opened bars and restaurants, pools, and sporting venues to open without restrictions (though groups can’t be larger than 50).

Oh we’re still going, because of course we are, Kentucky’s treating re-opening like a three hour tasting menu. July 1st opened up auctions (cool?), aquatic centers, bowling alleys, fitness centers, and movie theaters to 50%.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes. Their governor issued a mask order on May 11th that basically said businesses can turn your spoiled ass away if you refuse to wear one. That order got bumped up into an official mandate on July 10th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

The more time goes on the more we realize we were too harsh on Kentucky, and not harsh enough on Tennessee the last time around. Tennessee had, even in June, three times as many cases as Kentucky, even though Tennessee’s population is only about 30% larger than Kentucky. But we said Kentucky was a soft yes, and kind of said “Tennessee looks okay.” We should have switched those around.

Kentucky shut down five days before Tennessee. On May 11th, Kentucky issued a mask mandate. On July 3rd, Tennessee said, “Well we guess we won’t stop you if your city wants to stop wearing masks.”

So this is a bit of a mea culpa on our part. We were too harsh on Kentucky the first time around.

As it stands now, they’ve had a big surge in July, but they’re still the 26th most populous state and only have the 40th most cases-per-capita. And we do like that little dip that’s just starting to happen. Right now they’re not fucking up, despite being at a peak, but that will depend on how the next few weeks go.

Louisiana

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We assumed it would be yes, because they were hit so hard so early (thanks Mardis Gras) but then we said no, because they seemed to have it under control. Then cases spiked wildly the day we finished writing the article, so we added a “assuming this spike is not a trend, and is just a blip, they’re fine.”

…So yeah.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Shelter-in-place on March 23rd, bars, restaurants, HAIR STUFF, movie theaters, and gyms at 25% capacity on May 15th, jumping to 50% on June 5th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Reopening was paused during the surge of cases, but didn’t shut down until July 13th, which closed bars for everything but to-go service.

Are Masks Mandatory?

They were originally strongly encouraged (with a program called “Mask Up Louisiana“), and Baton Rouge issued an executive order requiring them inside businesses on July 1st. On July 13th, masks finally were mandated.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Yeahhhhh. They…they are….

Maine

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No, but we added that with their two separate peaks, this could be one that makes us look silly in the future.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They closed everything down on April 2nd, which was frankly surprisingly late for an East Coast state. Groups of 10, HAIR STUFF, and outdoor recreation opened on May 1st, outdoor restaurants, lodging, tattoo artists and nail salons opened on June 1st, which also allowed groups of 50.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On July 1st they opened Phase Three, which opened casinos, movie theaters, general indoor and outdoor “entertainment venues” and spas among others.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, as of May 1st.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

There are two states currently seeing a decrease in cases. Maine is one of them. They’re not fucking up, thanks in part to the fact that Maine’s population consists of like thirteen fishermen named Hank.

Maryland

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

“Barring Phase Three sending everything to shit, they’ve so far not fucked things up.”

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They held off on closing until March 30th, and reopened manufacturing on May 15th along with 50% capacity for retail, churches, and HAIR STUFF. June 5th opened non-essential businesses, including TAT SHOPS, massage parlors, and nail salons (the holy trinity of things that randomly open together and are lumped together always).

June 12th allowed for 50% capacity restaurants, and June 19th opened up gyms, casinos, and, lol, arcades.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Casinos, gyms, and malls opened on June 19th.

Are Masks Mandatory?

The answer is way more complicated than it has any right to be, but the short version is, “Yeah, since like, fucking April 18th.” They have a whole list of places where masks are required, and it’s super specific and unnecessarily nitpicky.

But essentially anyone over the age of 9 has to wear masks at indoor businesses and on public transit.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

No. Cases are slowly creeping upwards, and they have the 14th most cases with the 19th largest population, but considering the whole country is doing, they’re doing better than most states.

Massachusetts

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No.

Though this is a point to acknowledge that in our calculation of fucking up, we kind of focused on the number of cases, and the curve, while ignoring the fatality rate. Mostly because that’s really depressing!

But we didn’t acknowledge that a 7% fatality rate for Massachusetts is high and probably should have been factored in more when talking about if the state fucked up.

While we ragged on Texas and Florida (rightfully, oh God, so rightfully) the one (and only) point that their governors have been right about is to point out that, yes their cases were high, but they had fewer deaths compared to other East Coast states—at the time we wrote this, Florida had seen fewer than half of the deaths from COVID than Massachusetts had.

But their cases were spiking, and Massachusetts had been decreasing steadily for months, and that’s what we based it off of.

Okay, enough covering our asses, let’s move on.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut that shit down on March 24th, did a phased opening from May 18th to June 1st that opened HAIR STUFF, construction and manufacturing, and allowed gatherings of 10. They opened up outdoor restaurants, nail salons, and hotels on June 8th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Phase three opened everywhere except Boston and Somerville on July 6th, which allows gyms, museums, aquariums, small theater venues and movie theaters. Outdoor gatherings were allowed at 25% occupancy up to 100 people, with indoor gatherings at eight people per 1,000 square feet, limited at 25 people.

Boston and Somerville will reach this phase on July 16th. Bars will have to wait until whenever Phase Four begins.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, since May 6th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They require masks, their numbers are not increasing, so no, they’re still not fucking up. They’ve had 6,000 new cases over the past month. Florida had twice as many cases yesterday.

Michigan

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Naw.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Doors closed on March 24th, and they opened on an area-by-area basis, but the most notable stuff opened on June 1st, which allowed indoor gatherings up to 10, and outdoor gatherings up to 100. And on June 8th, the whole state saw bars and restaurants open at 50%, with gyms and HAIR STUFF on the 15th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On July 1st, Governor Gretchen Whitmer shut down indoor bar and restaurant service in all but the northern parts of the state (for businesses where more than 70% of their gross receipts come from alcohol sales) (at the same time she signed a series of bills allowing cocktails-to-go at cocktails and restaurants).

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yeah, since April 26th, but that was a general “you won’t get in trouble if you don’t wear them” order, which got spruced up as a full on requirement on June 18th. That got further amplified with an order issued July 10th, to the point that it’s against the law to be a dick, we mean, refuse to wear a mask. As of July 13th you’ll get fined $500 if you decide you’d rather not be very slightly inconvenienced as opposed to potentially saving someone’s life or whatever.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Cases are currently rising gradually, the state has closed previously opened establishments, and they have one of the worst fatality rate among Midwestern states.

But no. They’re not fucking up. They’re leaning into masks, they’re opening cautiously, and so far they’ve avoided a full on second spike that most states seem to be rocking.

Minnesota

When we wrote our article, it was at a time where, well, let’s just say we talked about Minnesota very gingerly. And we’re still not going to chum those waters a month later. (Support black authors.)

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

By the way, you’ll notice there’s a day with zero cases. That’s because they didn’t release any figures on July 4th because America.

Had They Fucked Up?

We landed on a soft “no.”

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

You know what we hate the most about writing this article? It’s not the research. It’s trying not to start this section with the same phrasing every fucking state. Anyway, them stores and such got the shutty shut on March 27th.

Starting May 18th, churches opened at 25% capacity (with a maximum of 250, which, Jesus), retail opened at 50% capacity, and gatherings of 10 or fewer were allowed.

June 1st opened outdoor seating at bars and restaurants, HAIR STUFF and TAT SHOPS operated at 25% capacity, and on June 10th gatherings of 250 were allowed outside (we reported it initially as 25, but, you know, we drunk), 10 people inside, and all the previously open businesses could have 50% capacity.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Nothing much really, everything’s more or less been on pause.

Are Masks Mandatory?

As of July 2nd, no, with the governor pushing back at making them mandatory.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

So the last week has seen a bit of a spike, but currently we’re giving them a soft “no”, and…listen this is the part where we’ll say some things, and you might get mad about those things. Statistics across the country seem to show that areas that had outdoor large political gatherings where most people wore masks…didn’t see huge spikes in the ensuing two-to-three weeks.

Minnesota started jumping up a full five weeks after the initial protests (where most people broke social distancing, BUT wore masks), which could be related, but seems unlikely as it usually takes about two weeks for positive cases to start seeing symptoms.

States that opened up confined indoor spaces saw more noticeable surges. And those that had large gatherings, outside, without masks, also seemed to bring in more cases than the same kind of gatherings where most people worse masks.

Anyway, enjoy the Thanksgiving dinner family argument this section is here to provide for you.

Mississippi

On July 6th the Mississippi House Speaker, Philip Gunn, test positive for COVID. And, well…let’s just say things are going juuuust fine.

(By the way, from what we’ve managed to find, Gunn wasn’t particularly anti-mask or anti-science and in fact was a driving force in getting the Confederate flag taken off the Mississippi flag, so this is less schadenfreude and more “ha, ha, ha, oh man we laugh because this shit is scary.)

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Yes. They were consistently seeing a rise in cases, and ranked 13th in deaths-per-capita despite having the 35th largest population in America.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Mississippi issued a shelter-in-place order on April 3rd, allowed indoor gatherings up to 10 on May 7th, along with outdoor gatherings of 20 and restaurants and bars at 50% capacity.

On June 1st, non-socially distanced gatherings up to 20 were allowed indoors, with groups of 50 (without social distancing) or 100 (with social distancing) allowed outdoors. Every other business opened on June 1st as well.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On July 10th non-essential gatherings were once again limited in 13 counties.

Are Masks Mandatory?

That same order made masks mandatory for those counties.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

When your cases double from your third month to your fourth month, you’ve done fucked up.

Missouri

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Despite the relatively low amount of cases, we said yes, while shouting to the heavens that their pizza is trash and somehow managing to show enough restraint to not make any digs against Cardinals fans.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Rhode Island was the only state to issue a shelter-in-place date later than Missouri (excluding the states that shrugged and said “nah” to the very concept). They shut down on April 6th, vaguely opened on May 4th saying “if you can maintain social distancing you can open” and opened everything on June 16th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Ugh, their plan was called “Show Me Strong Recovery” and we’re still livid about that. Phase Two, which was the “everything is opened” happened on June 16th outside of city centers like St. Louis, and by June 23rd, their response to the virus was “yeah we’re spiking, but no we don’t need to close down.”

Are Masks Mandatory?

No. People “should” wear masks in public settings where it’s hard to maintain social distancing, but there’s no mandate. Kansas City instituted a mask order on June 27th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

We probably should say that, current spike be damned, the answer is no, considering their cases-per-capita is insanely low for a state that ranks 18th in population (only 10 states are lower in that category). But that spike looks pretty bad, and if they were fucking up a month ago, we can’t justify saying that they’re not fucking up now.

Imo’s is trash.

Montana

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No. We’re pretty sure Montana has more oil rigs than people. And they’re not particularly known as an oil-producing state.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Montana went dark on March 28th, allowed gatherings of 10 along with retail and HAIR STUFF at 50% on April 27th, opened restaurants and bars at 50% on May 4th, and bumped gatherings to 50 and capacity to 75% on June 1st.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Things stayed about the same. But this is Montana. If we were completely bullshitting you about everything this state was doing, you would take us at our word, because your one friend from Montana is the straw man we invented for this simile.

We have never figured out what straw men or similes actually are, but the fact we know the terms make us smart, right?

Are Masks Mandatory?

No, they are “strongly encouraged.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Despite everything you’re seeing up there, no.

The chart looks BAD, they’re at record highs. and they’ve almost tripled in cases in the past month. But as of today, only Hawaii has fewer cases per capita, and they’ve seen fewer cases total than many states are seeing daily. So we’re not ready to shit on Montana quite yet.

Nebraska

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We first said, no, because it was looking like it was trending down and the number of cases was pretty low, but then we said they DID fuck up because A: they had the 26th most cases in the nation while having the 37th largest population and B: they didn’t shut down and that kind of pissed us off.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

As we said, they never put in a shelter-in-place order. They opened restaurants and HAIR STUFF on May 4th at 50% capacity. On June 1st businesses could have 25 people, or 25% of their capacity, up to 3,000 depending on what number was bigger. 

Every other state goes with the smaller number, like “up to 25% or 25 people, whichever is smaller.” Nebraska’s rules mean that if a bar can seat only 25 people, that bar can be completely full. It’s baffling shit.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

All counties except for like, four with relatively low populations (Hall, Hamilton, Merrick and Dakota) moved to Phase Three on June 22nd. That allowed fan attendance for professional and youth sports, elective surgeries no longer had any restrictions, indoor gatherings bumped up to 50% capacity or 10,000 people, and outdoor gatherings jumped to 75% capacity, whatever that capacity may be.

Now, if you want a gathering of over 500 people, you need approval from the local health department, except for Douglas County (so, Omaha basically), where that number is 1,100.

Gyms, fitness centers, and any SWOLL SHACKS were able to accommodate 75% capacity.

On July 1st, contact team sports started up.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Dude, of course not. Masks aren’t not even required for waiters or meat packing workers (they are, however, “recommended”). Their governor went so far as to threaten taking away Coronavirus aid from any counties that decided to require masks, which seems like some super villain shit?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

SOMEHOW NO. Again there are no easy narratives in this shit. So many factors are in place. You have places like California that shut down fast and demanded masks but who still are blowing it. And you have places like Nebraska that put their fingers in their ears and said “lalala we can’t hear you” and it somehow worked out. Relatively.

Now, especially compared to like every other state, these allowed crowd numbers are startling. 10,000 people? Inside? What? But there were some steps taken to make sure the whole thing wasn’t entirely reckless.

NO we’re not talking about the not the common sense notion of requiring people to wear masks. But, long term care facilities are on a different timeline than the rest of the state, and they’re still in Phase One, which doesn’t allow any visitors. So that was probably a good call on their part.

Nevada

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Our exact words were, “Jesus Christ, Nevada.”

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

April 1st saw their shelter-in-place order, on May 9th restaurants, HAIR STUFF, and retail opened at 50% capacity. Bars, gyms, TAT SHOPS and theaters opened on May 29th at 50%. And June 4th brought casinos back.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 16th, Nevada announced they were “not ready” to move into Phase Three, about six days after teasing that they’d be ready for that phase by June 15th. On July 10th, certain counties (read as: Reno and Vegas) had to close bars that didn’t get the majority of their profit from food, and restaurants had to limit their parties to 6 or fewer.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, as of June 24th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Ugh, yeah, a LOT. Look at that jump. They do not get the benefit of the “well, our standards are unfortunately lower this month” that other states are getting.

New Hampshire

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Nope, not really.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

New Hampshire went all NO Hampshire (ugh we’re awful) on March 27th, and didn’t open anything until May 11th, which opened HAIR STUFF and retail at 50% capacity, and started outdoor dining on the 18th.

June 15th saw their next opening, with gatherings of 10 permitted, and restaurants, pools, gyms, libraries and more open at 50%.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 29th, they opened up amusement parks at 25%,  and movie theaters, performing arts venues, and day care could operate at 50% capacity. Groups larger than 10 were allowed, and in theory a NASCAR race is going to be held there on August 2nd, with 35% capacity (which would be 19,000 fans).

Are Masks Mandatory?

No, masks are only required for restaurant, retail, golf course, and personal service employees.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

There are two states currently seeing a decrease in cases over a two week span. New Hampshire is one of them. Good job New Hampshire!

New Jersey

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Yeah. We said they managed to fix things, but they had a lot of cases and got hit very hard early on.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They SHUT IT DOWN on March 24th, jumped to 25 people for outdoor gatherings on May 18th. Pretty much everything else remained only open for curbside or takeout. In general they staggered business openings between May 2nd and June 9th, and we forgot to mention that beaches and boardwalks opened up on May 22nd, and that the stay-at-home was officially lifted on June 9th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Stage Two phased in on June 15th, when child care centers, outdoor dining, and indoor retail opened along with the DMV (OH FUN) and libraries for curbside pickup. On June 22nd, HAIR STUFF and pools opened, along with outdoor gatherings of 250. 

July 2nd gave us casinos, so now’s the time to go to Atlantic City bay-beeee (do not fucking do that). That was the same day that opened up playgrounds, amusement and water parks, museums, libraries, indoor pools, as well as gyms and fitness centers for individualized indoor instruction. 

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, since April 8th. They were the first state to require customers and employees at essential businesses wear masks. You also need to wear a mask to take public transit which, Jesus, why would that even be a question?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They fucked things up at the start. They’ve got things more or less under control now. So they’re not currently fucking up.

New Mexico

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We very hesitantly said that they had not.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

New Jersey and New Mexico issued shelter-in-place on the same day, March 24th, and New Mexico did so when they had seen far fewer cases, which further explains why we had to say New Jersey fucked up.

Anyway, most businesses that have extreme exposure risks (bars, restaurants, gyms, HAIR STUFF, etc) opened at 25% on May 16th. On June 1st, malls (without food courts) opened at 25% capacity, hotels and gyms got to be 50%, and while bars stayed close, breweries with outdoor seating opened on June 12th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On July 1st they paused their reopening plans for at least two weeks, and on July 9th indoor dining at restaurants and breweries were shut down.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Double yes. They made it mandatory in public settings on May 16th. And then on July 2nd they doubled down with “no seriously we’ll fine you if you don’t wear a fucking mask.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

What to make of New Mexico. They’ve reached a new peak and literally shot back up from their downward trend the moment we published our article, as if to say, “You think we might of fucked up? OH WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT!”

We won’t say they’re fully fucking up, because ultimately their number of cases is relatively low, and they are kind of doing that “standing in between two ugly people to make yourself look hotter at a bar” thing vis-a-vis bordering Texas and Arizona. And they insist on masks, and at least decided to slow down opening when things started to look bad.

They’re not fucking up but they are in the middle of a bit of a whoopsie-daisy.

New York

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Yeah. Like, once they figured out that they needed to really shut shit down, they did, and they did so to help trend things downward. But they waited aggressively long, in terms of how many cases they were seeing, to do that, so yeah, they fucked up at the start.

We also had a lot of readers point out that they especially fucked up with their handling of nursing home residents. Particularly that if a COVID patient came from a nursing home, but stabilized, in order to open up hospital beds they were sent back to their nursing homes.

Holy shit, that’s bad! But that also was an instance where if you’re pointing that out, you’re agreeing with our initial point, but just agreeing louder?

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on March 22nd, but they were the third state to do so, which hey, nothing wrong with bronze, but when you shut down on a day with nearly 5,000 cases, yeah, no, what the fuck guys?

Anyway, they went super area-by-area, in phases. Phase One allowed curbside pickup and construction. Phase Two opened offices, churches, and non-essential businesses, as well as HAIR STUFF. Phase Three opened up restaurants and hotels at limited capacity. New York City itself was scheduled to start Phase TWO on June 22nd when we wrote our article.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

New York City moved into Phase Two on June 22nd, which, not to repeat ourselves, but allowed for outdoor seating at bars and restaurants as as. as in-store shopping and HAIR STUFF.

The city moved into a modified Phase Three on July 6th, which opened spas, tanning salons, TAT SHOPS, with businesses not allowed to have more than 50 people. Unlike other Phase Three openings, NYC did not open indoor restaurant seating.

Six Counties moved to Phase Four on June 26th. That allows gatherings of 50, and entertainment venues that aren’t movie theaters to open. And on July 10th, Phase Four locations opened malls that were able to meet ventilation system standards.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Not to be like, “The people reading this article from New York are a bit shell-shocked because they went through how COVID can literally be actual hell, and are worried it’s going to be like that elsewhere” but like, it’s not particularly surprising that masks have been required since April 17th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They’re not fucking up now. Their numbers have been steady for a long time, and they’ve opened things up very slowly without seeing huge spikes.

But the current level of not fucking up doesn’t quite make up for how badly they screwed the pooch in March.

North Carolina

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

“Yo, look at that graph. They’re CURRENTLY fucking up. And they’re still considering opening up further, which, guys, please, hold the fuck off for just a bit okay?”

Duke sucks.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Shelter-in-place started on March 30th, and retail opened at 50% on May 8th. That was the same day that outdoor gatherings of 10 people were allowed (with friends. They specified that it had to be with friends. NO STRANGERS. We’re making fun of that, but actually, scientifically, it makes sense.)

By May 22nd, groups of 10 could be indoors, and groups of 25 outdoors. They also opened up restaurants and HAIR STUFF at 50% capacity, and also, what the shit, large arenas and stadiums?

By the way, we just want to point out, there’s a very real chance that states that waited for a while and then tossed up their hands and said “okay, let’s let restaurants and bars have people inside” will be fucked. Almost every state that’s not, like, 90% tumbleweeds who opened restaurants with indoor seating BEFORE easing into it with outdoor seating first tended to suffer a bit more.

Sure you have your Indianas that didn’t seem to suffer drastically, but the data seems to say that opening food and beverage spots should be done like how 90% of men enter a cold lake. Wade in cautiously until your genitals dip into the water, and then finally dive in.

The wading in up to your genitals is outdoor seating. The diving in is indoor seating.

We never said we were good or smart or interesting at metaphors.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 26th, Governor Roy Cooper announced that North Carolina was pausing on reopening efforts since, you know, they had hit a new high in hospitalizations. The current order expires on July 17th, and the reopening plan will be reevaluated around that time.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, as of June 26th. They were recommended before that, but the executive order came because literally the North Carolina graph is a fucking 45 degree angle, and has been so for three. Months. Honestly, we’re not trying to be snarky, we’re glad the Roy Cooper finally pulled the trigger on that.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Yeah, they’ve literally never had their cases go down since this thing started. They at least listened to our pleas to hold off on opening up more. And hopefully the mask thing helps.

North Dakota

If you know someone born and raised in the state of North Dakota, please email us at americafunfact@gmail.com so we can write an article to confirm this state’s existence.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Despite never shutting shit down, they did fine, partly because North Dakota is a state that is composed entirely of four guys named Jim vying for the eternal affection and love of a woman named Sarah-Lou.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They opened pretty fast. Movie theaters opened at 20% on May 1st, while just about everything else that’s not entertainment venues opened at 50%. That jumped up to 75% on May 29th, and weddings and banquets between 250 and 500 people were allowed. There’s a lot of other stuff that sounds like a bad idea, but really, it’s kind of cute they think you can even find 500 people in the entire state.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 23rd, Governor Jim said that a few counties were close to the fifth, and final phase of reopening, which is essentially “everything is open” though bars and restaurants don’t get to open at full 100% capacity. Probably so the other Jims can’t sit on on his date with Sarah-Lou.

So far the state remains in Phase 4.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Why would you need to have a mask when your only interaction with anyone outside of your family involves shouting across 3 acres of land to Jim, telling him that you, Jim, had a lovely FaceTime conversation with Sarah-Lou, only to hear your other neighbor, Jim, shout that he had a FaceTime conversation with her, and that you don’t have a shot in hell at her. The fourth Jim is self-quarantining with COVID.

We mean, no.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Almost. As you can see from the current spike, Phase Four definitely didn’t prevent the fourth Jim from getting the virus. But the total numbers, and cases-per-capita are still low enough that we can’t actually say they fucked up.

Ohio

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No. We did make the “round on the ends hi in the middle” pun, and frankly we’re surprised no one has (rightfully) murdered us for doing that.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on March 23rd, which was pretty early, all things considered. Retail stores opened at limited capacity on May 12th, May 15th opened HAIR STUFF, May 24th allowed dine-in restaurant and bar service, and they opened a bunch of stuff in early June, like, LASER TAG and…ic..wait, is this a typo? Ice skating rinks? Y’all, it’s 90 degrees out.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Casinos and, yes, racinos opened on June 19th, along with amusement parks. We still think it’s funny that Ohio is the only state to actually include racinos in their reopening.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Dayton was the first city to fully mandate masks, on July 2nd. On July 8th, the seven counties where cases were spreading the most rapidly were required to do masks, per executive order.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Hmm, that’s the question. They’re seeing a surge, but it remains to be seen if it’s a Michigan/Illinois kind of surge, or a Texas/Florida type of surge.

Right now as much as we want to say they’re fucking up, we’ll say as of this moment, they are not, but we want to keep an eye on these guys. They’re the 7th most populous state in the nation, and they rank 37th in cases-per-capita, which is good news. We just don’t like the look of that curve, and if that trend doesn’t reverse itself, we’re about a month away from saying they’re fucking up.

Oklahoma

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

They were low in cases-per-capita, they were low in total cases, but they were surging, so we landed on “yeah, they’re currently fucking up” but that was largely because their reopening plan was called “O.U.R.S.” and fuck you, Oklahoma what the shit is that?

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They only sheltered-in-place in Oklahoma City and Tulsa. And even with that, April 24th saw HAIR STUFF, nail salons, retail and pet groomers open. May 1st brought restaurants, movie theaters, and…sporting venues. Go Thunder?

May 15th opened bars, weddings, and funerals! Cool!

June 1st opened all “personal services.”

What Has Opened/Closed Since

They’re still on Phase Three, and there is no real Phase Four, but we imagine that would just be “okay we’re removing any and all guidelines” which is not close to happening.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Since they didn’t shut shit down, we’re going to guess “no, and the reason behind it will probably annoy us.” Okay, time to do our research.

….

Yeah, the closest they have to a mandate is that on July 1st Oklahoma City made the “tough” decision to “force” all employees of bars and restaurants to wear a mask.

You all know that masks are more about protecting those around you than anything else right? It’s inherently meant to be a generally selfless act? And that if you get mad about it, it’s entirely for selfish reasons? God we’re so pissed off. What the fuck Oklahoma?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Considering we said that they were currently fucking up a month ago, and cases have continued to go up, we’re going to have to say they still are. But even with that being the case, they’re still low in cases-per-capita, and low in total cases, so they’re currently fucking up, but not as badly as a lot of the states that are REALLY fucking up.

Oregon

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

“Maybe? Honestly it seems a little like a yes, but we could talk ourselves into a no.”

Numbers were low, they shut down early, but numbers were rising pretty sharply, so this was one where the next month would tell the full story. Gulp.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Oregon SHUT IT ALLLLL DOWN on March 23rd. On May 14th they allowed limited openings at bars, restaurants, personal services, gyms and malls, while allowing gatherings of 25 people, if socially distanced.

On June 5th, they started phasing out a plan that allowed gatherings of 50 people indoors and 100 outdoors, and large venues could hold 250 people. Movie theaters opened too because Tenet is an experience that can ONLY BE APPRECIATED ON THE BIG SCREEN.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Portland opened restaurants and bars on June 19th (they were the last county to enter that stage of reopening). Oregon zoo opened on July 12th. But they’ve slowed down in letting counties move to Phase Two, and no one is even thinking about Phase Three. On July 13th indoor gatherings of more than ten people were verboten.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yeah. It was county-by-county for a while, but on July 1st they made it a statewide mandate. And along with the July 13th order to limit indoor gatherings, masks were made required in all public settings, even outside (if you can’t socially distance).

Are They Fucking Up Now?

The answer is kind of the same as it was a month ago? They’ve continued to see cases rise, and they’re still rising, so the chart says YOU DONE FUCKED UP OREGON. Eleven states have fewer cases, but only five have fewer cases-per-capita. Oregon is 27th in terms of populations.

So they’re fucking up, but at the same time they’re not fucking up. How do you solve a problem like Oregon?

Pennsylvania

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

They waited too long to shut down, but were on a downward trajectory. We begrudgingly said they did not fuck up.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Pennsylvania treated its closing much like every driver who has to drive across the entire state: as a thing that takes much longer than they ever anticipated. Anyway, they shut shit down on April 1st, despite bordering two of the states to be hit hardest by the virus.

They had a red, yellow, and green phase, that was implemented on a county-by-county basis. Red phase was basically, “You have woken up in your bed. Don’t move from there. Don’t do anything else.” Yellow started on May 22nd, and allowed gatherings of 25, and outdoor bar/restaurant seating.

And green hit on June 5th, which opened HAIR STUFF, gyms, restaurants/bars, entertainment venues, and personal care all at 50%.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

The last county to move into the green phase did that on July 3rd, so the whole state has been about 50% open since then. On July 3rd, Allegheny County closed restaurants and bars for dine-in service, set to resume on the 10th. CHECK IF THIS HAPPENED

Are Masks Mandatory?

Since April 19th you’ve basically had to have them to go inside businesses, and after July 1st it became “yeah you need it to leave home.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Again, begrudgingly we’ll say no. They’re showing an uptick, but so is the rest of the goddamn country. Currently they rank 9th in total cases. They’re also the 5th most populous state in the nation. And despite those raising rates, and the high totals, they’re 28th in terms of cases-per-capita. That’s better than Iowa, Nebraska, California and South Carolina.

Rhode Island

We started our last article by pointing out that Rhode Island is the second most densely populated state, and we didn’t even make a lazy Family Guy joke. That’s a little thing called RESTRAINT.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

If they kept trending downward, we were willing to say that they only kind of fucked up by waiting so much longer than their neighboring states to go full Madagascar.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Rhode Island yanked the cord on the 28th of March, which is late for the region, but not for the nation. On May 9th, groups of 5 were allowed, as well as socially distanced retail and elective procedures.

On June 1st, social gatherings of 15 were allowed, churches could open at 25% capacity, and indoor dining and HAIR STUFF opened up.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Summer camps opened June 29th, with camps limited to 15 people. On June 30th, the state entered Phase 3, which increased indoor venues to 66% capacity, or 1 person per 100 square feet. Indoor gatherings are limited to 25 people, outdoors at 50, and you can hold groups larger than 250 if you submit a plan in advance.

On July 8th, assisted living and long-term care facilities resumed limited visitation.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, since May 8th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

In retrospect we should have said that they fucked up in our previous article, since they are in the top 5 in terms of cases per capita.

But no, they’re not fucking up, they’re one of the handful of states that’s not actually seen increases in the past month.

South Carolina

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Oh bless your heart.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They held out on shelter-in-place until April 7th, to which we said, “What? Come on guys.”

Retail opened up on the 20th, and May 4th brought outdoor dining. Restaurants and gyms all opened on May 18th. Finding that shit out was like pulling teeth.

After the fact we’ve since learned that restaurants opened on the 11th actually, and the 18th opened gyms, the 22nd brought zoos, museums, fucking Go-Kart and bingo.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

They decided to pause a plan to allow limited visitation at nursing homes on July 2nd. The governor has so far refused to shut anything down.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Oh bless your heart.

But seriously, some counties set guidelines, but there’s no statewide mandate.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Oh. Bless. Your. Heart.

Yeah. Definitely.

South Dakota

June 14th’s Map

Like we said last time, this is the Dakota that has Mount Rushmore. We have to re-remember that every time we think about the Dakotas. North is the one with the Jims.

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Badly. They had more cases than Oregon, a state with over four times as many people.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Nope. None. Nada. Zilch. Niet.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Can’t open what never closed baby! And can’t close if you refuse to close

Are Masks Mandatory?

What do you fucking think?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Yes! Granted, they’re one of the handful of states who aren’t seeing cases increasing, so they’re not fucking up as badly as they were before. But they pretty much ignored every single piece of advice and leaned on the mindset of “we’re sparsely populated, and look at the Jims in North Dakota, they also didn’t close down, and they’re doing fine!”

But considering that they rank 23rd in cases per capita, 34th in deaths per capita…and they rank 46th in population…and they refuse to take even basic measures…yeah they’re fucking up.

And the state above them, the ones with the Jims? They have a smaller population, sure, but they also have almost half as many cases, both total, and per-capita.

Tennessee

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We made this whole thing an awkward joke about our editor-in-chief’s love life, but in actuality the answer was no. Though looking back on it, we’re not sure. They have a higher population than Kentucky, but almost three times as many cases. Kentucky, which we gave a “soft yes” to, had fewer deaths. This is a reminder that there are no absolutes in this whole thing, and also we write these articles while drunk.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They closed on March 31st, or five days after Kentucky. On May 11th, they opened retail and restaurants at 50% capacity, with gatherings up to 10. May 26th bumped open businesses up to 75%, with groups of 25 allowed.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Nashville moved to Phase Three on June 18th, which allowed bars and clubs to open, with 75% capacity. And on July 3rd, they walked that shit back to Phase Two, or 50%.

Are Masks Mandatory?

On July 3rd, Governor Bill Lee issued a directive that the mayors of all 89 counties of Kentucky are allowed to issue mask mandates, you know, if they want. Apparently they weren’t allowed to do that before?

Are They Fucking Up Now?

It’s a yes at the moment.

They’re the 16th most populous state, and 20 states have more cases than they do, but A: their cases have doubled, and B: Kentucky has seen 1/3 as many cases and 1/2 as many cases-per-capita, and actually went ahead and mandated masks.

Wear a fucking mask please.

Texas

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Oh yeah. We said that, yes, their cases-per-capita were relatively low, and we didn’t mention their death rate, which was better than a lot of states. But dang that climb did not look good, even then.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They waited until April 2nd to shut down, and opened retail, restaurants, fucking movie theaters, and malls at 25% capacity starting May 1st. On May 18th, restaurants could go up to 50%, and you could get a massage. Starting May 22nd, bars opened, as well as the ESSENTIAL SHIT, like bowling alleys, bingo parlors, aquariums, and rodeos.

Not surprisingly Texas was one of the only states to specifically plan out their rodeo opening schedule. June 3rd fucking everything opened at 50%.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 19th, and hold onto your fucking ass we’re still trying to think of the logic behind this, amusement parks and carnivals in counties with more than 1,000 confirmed positive cases opened at 50% capacity. That’s because that was already open for counties with fewer than 1,000 confirmed cases.

On June 25th, they paused reopening, and shut down a lot of elective procedures in much of the state. Texas closed bars on June 29th, and decreased restaurant capacity to 50%. And on July 2nd they gave mayors and judges the authority to impose restrictions of outdoor gatherings of more than 10 people. They’re still allowed, mind you, but you can ban them.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yo, they tried to make it illegal for cities to make masks mandatory. Then their cases skyrocketed, so they made masks mandatory for any county with more than 20 active cases on July 3rd.

Now that being said, we will take a moment to step back and not shit on their Governor, Gregg Abbott, who, yes, waited CRAZY long to make masks mandatory, considering what was going on in his state.

But, look at Florida. They refuse to ban masks, but Texas’ Governor actually pulled that trigger, and is getting shit from it among his allies apparently because politics are stupid and the fact that “if everyone wore a mask in public for a while we’d be in much better shape” is a political statement makes us want to jump off a goddamn cliff (by the way, our belief that jumping off cliffs is a bad idea, probably, somehow, is now a political statement).

It’ll be a few days before we see if this mask mandate has any impact, but hospitalization just went down for the first time in two weeks, and they’re no longer seeing record highs like, every fucking day.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

About 20% of you clicked this article just to get confirmation that the answer is yes. But yeah. Holy shit. They’re fucking up SO MUCH.

We really hope this mask thing leads to actually noticeable drops in cases so everyone can stop pretending that they’re being Patriotic by coughing into people’s fucking faces and refusing to put a little bit of cloth over their mouths in public.

The only way to be Patriotic during this pandemic is to stay the fuck inside and get drunk while watching Netflix every day. At least that’s what our staff believes. Texas, get on our level.

Utah

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

The magic 8-ball said “Ask Again Later.” Yes we can do that. These are our stupid articles, we make our own rules.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Utah decided April 1st was as good of a time as any to get the fucking hint. On May 1st they allowed groups of 20, and opened up HAIR STUFF, restaurants and gyms. On May 20th, groups of 50 were allowed, and everything else opened up.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Nine rural counties went to the “new normal” phase on June 19th. But since cases started going up on June 24th Governor Gary Herbert said the state would not consider applications on relaxing applications (’cause you have to apply on a county-by-county basis) for two weeks.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Only for employees in certain industries. To their credit, unlike most of the states that refuse to enforce masks, they at least are doing it in a way that’s not, like, “screw you don’t tell me what to do”?

They strongly encourage masks, but back that up with a program that will actually give a free mask to any Utah resident who requests it.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

…Well it’s later. And we asked again, and…yeah they are. Cases have doubled, they’re 22nd in cases-per-capita (as the 30th largest state).

Vermont

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Nope.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on March 25th, opened manufacturing and construction on May 4th, and retail opened on the 18th. Restaurants opened on the 22nd, churches on the 23rd, and HAIR STUFF was allowed on the 29th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

“Vermonters” (that’s the term apparently) over the age of 65 had shelter-in-place lifted on June 17th, and on June 26th, you could have indoor groups of 75 people and 150-person groups outdoors. Entertainment venues and restaurants expanded to 50% capacity, or 1 person per 100 square feet.

Are Masks Mandatory?

No. They’re recommended, and required at customer-facing businesses.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Naw.

What? You wanted us to elaborate? Who’s clicking this article desperately thirsty for our HOT TAKES on the state of Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?

The answer remains “naw.”

Virginia

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We hemmed and hawed and landed on “no, but we need to keep an eye on it.”

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They closed down on March 30th (which is late, honestly, but we don’t start to get apoplectic until the state waits until April. Virginia was just under the wire). Gatherings of 10 were allowed during shelter-in-place, which seems to defeat the purpose, but whatever.

HAIR STUFF opened on May 15th, with restaurants at 50% capacity for outdoor seating only. Non-essential retail went from a 10-person limit to 50% capacity.

We missed this in our initial article, but on June 5th, some of the stat went into “Phase Two” with Northern Virginia joining on June 12th. That allowed restaurants to open indoor seating at 50% capacity, with gyms at 30%.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Phase Three began on July 1st, which allowed social gatherings up to 250 people, fitness centers to open at 75% capacity, recreation and entertainment venues at 50% capacity up to 1,000 people, and swimming pools could open for general free swims. Restrictions on bars still stayed the same.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, as of May 29th. Some asshole winery owner in Fauquier County sued to stop it, but the mask requirement was upheld on June 30th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

There’s some rumbling that Phase Three might blow shit up (250 is a lot of people!) but we said “we’ll have to keep an eye on it” and from that point forward the line had been exactly flat until the last four days have seen a bit of a jump.

They’re 26th in cases-per-capita, 23rd in deaths-per-capita, and are the 12th largest state. Considering they spent most of the month trending at a flat line, we’ll say that they’re not fucking up so long as the current rise doesn’t continue.

Washington

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We said they handled things relatively well, considering they were basically the first state to tackle this thing. They never saw a huge spike, and their *tugs-at-collar-we-hate-bringing-this-up-but-it-is-relevent-we-guess* death rate was, thankfully, fairly low.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Shelter-in-place started on March 23rd, they basically just opened some parks on May 12th, and they started Phase Two on May 27th which allowed in-store retail, nail salons, HAIR STUFF, and restaurants at 50% capacity.

They were one of the later states to allow gatherings, and one of the only to keep the number down to five.

On June 3rd, you could apply for Phase Three, which allowed gatherings of 50 (that’s a big jump!), restaurants at 75% capacity, and bars at 25%. Movie theaters can open at 50%, and everything other than nightclubs can open up as well.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

June 27th saw a pause on counties moving forward to Phase Four, which is basically the “full” reopening.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, as of June 26th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They reached a new high on July 6th, and crushed that number yesterday. They are currently seeing a second peak that’s higher than their first. They honestly should have brought the mask requirement thing a bit sooner, but they’re well in the bottom half of the nation as far as cases-per-capita goes.

Also, listen, this is an aside buried 14,000 words into this thing (because we are COWARDS and are trying to minimize the amount of crazy ass QAnon people screaming at us) but can someone please let us know why people are less willing to have the government tell them to wear a mask when in public than being told to stay the fuck at home for a while? Like, 45 states shut down EVERYTHING, and only twenty or so states have been like “well, you CAN go out, but please wear a mask?” and people seem to be getting MUCH MORE UPSET about the mask thing. Why?

This whole thing is fucking baffling to us.

West Virginia

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No. In fact, we actually didn’t really drive home strongly enough how much they had not fucked up. West Virginia has a population of 1.7 million people, and they had fewer than 100 deaths from COVID. And just 2,300 cases.

New Hampshire, who we also said didn’t fuck up, has a population of 1.4 million, and saw over 5,300 cases. So good job, West Virginia. We think we mostly didn’t give you proper credit because your reopening plan name (“West Virginia Strong—The Comeback”) sucks super hard.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on March 24th, a day where they saw 23 cases. Which feels pretty pragmatic. They had like six phases of reopening with their stupidly named plan and we’re not going to go through all of them, but HAIR STUFF opened on May 4th, dining opened at 50% on May 21st, and bars followed suit on May 26th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Fairs and festivals were allowed to open on July 1st, and after a sixth church-related outbreak was discovered, the the state urged churchgoers to “be on special caution.” July 13th brought midnight closing times at bars in populous counties, and rolled back gatherings to a limit of 25 people.

Are Masks Mandatory?

On July 2nd they said a mandate “could be coming next week” and after they saw their highest number of cases over the July 4th weekend, Governor Jim Justice (yes that’s his actual name) issued an executive order requiring masks as of July 6th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Nope. Yes, they’re seeing a spike, but they’re 37th in population yet and 47th in cases-per-capita. They’re being relatively proactive and they started requiring masks the moment things cases began trending up. West Virginia is doing fine.

Wisconsin

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

“Not necessarily.” they had a relatively late peak, but we said if their cases didn’t start spiking they might be one of those rare “have their cake and eat it too” states that kept a lot of things open and didn’t see a crippling amount of cases.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

The state closed on March 24th, and when they tried to extend the order people freaked the shit out and sued, and their Supreme Court decided that it’s ILLEGAL to make people stay at home.

So basically it was a free-for-all where each town and county basically was determining their own rules on what can be open and not.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

*Artist’s rendition of Wisconsin’s reopening plan*

Are Masks Mandatory?

Would it surprise you if we said…no?

Though they are required in Milwaukee. We’re sure other cities in the state are doing the same, but every time we try to figure out what’s going on in Wisconsin we just keep thinking about beer and cheese curds, and we get distracted.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

For a time, they seemed to be one of the most optimistic success stories you could imagine. The whole state didn’t have to shut down the economy, and their relative cases weren’t too bad. In fact they were looking pretty good!

But it’s beginning to look like the virus is catching up to the state. They’ve set numerous consecutive single day records within the past week, including the past three days in a row, and their haphazard response seems to be at least partly to blame.

Right now, despite all the pot shots we’re taking at their “you’re not my REAL dad, Governor” response to attempts to shut the state down, they’ve not fucked up. Yes, cases are rising, and cases are at an all time high, but we’re in the stupid timeline where a slow, steady, but not particularly sharp rise in cases counts as almost a win.

Wisconsin is the 20th most populous state, and their per-capita numbers rank in the 30s. They’re close to fucking up, and if the numbers keep rising at the same rate they are, in a month we might say, “Yeah, fucked up.”

But for now, the state that threw a hissy fit about staying inside, and is allergic to mask mandates, and is seeing a steady rise in cases, is not necessarily fucking up. Again. There are no easy narratives to this thing.

Wyoming

Too bad we used up all our jokes about how no one lives in Wyoming when talking about North Dakota.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No, but we did point out that they’re the least-populated state in the nation, but Puerto Rico, Montana, Hawaii, Alaska, West Virginia and Oregon all fewer cases-per-capita.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Shelter-in-place started March 25th, with nail salons, TAT SHOPS and HAIR STUFF opening on May 1st. May 15th opened bars and restaurants with spacing restrictions, and strip clubs opened because PRIORITIES. (Side note, what term is more depressing to think about than “Wyoming strip club” and why is it “Wyoming strip club day shift”?)

June 15th opened schools and groups of 250, when spaced out, could occur indoors. Without social distancing, indoor groups of 50 were okay.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

They cancelled some rodeos in June and July?

Are Masks Mandatory?

“Targeted use of personal face coverings” are “recommended.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

A tiny bit? But honestly, there are not enough cases for us to say yes.

Washington D.C.

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

A tiny bit, just because they should have shut down earlier.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They shut down on the same day as Maryland and Virginia, which was March 30th. On May 29th, groups of 10 could gather, and outdoor dining was permitted.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Phase Two of reopening began June 22nd (pushed back from the original June 19th date). It allowed mass gatherings to jump up to 50, allowed restaurant to open at 50% capacity, gyms with 5 people per 1,000 sq. feet, and churches and libraries opened at 50% capacity.

Are Masks Mandatory?

The Mayor told people to wear masks indoors on April 20th, and it became a mandate on May 16th.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

No. There’s a tiny uptick, and if they were a state they’d rank seventh in cases-per-capita, but they are a densely-populated city.

Guam

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

We had no idea, because the New York Times said they had 1,150 cases (and six fatalities), while Guam’s health department said they had 180 cases (with five fatalities). That’s a huge difference!

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They didn’t issue an actual shelter-in-place, but they did issue a state of emergency on March 25th. May 10th opened up malls and HAIR STUFF at 50% capacity, May 29th opened up dine-in restaurants, and, um, dance businesses?

And June 8th brought food courts, gyms and water parks.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Movie theaters are opening up on July 31st

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yeah. On April 8th they said you have to have a mask to use public transit, and on May 8th Governor Leon Guerrero, when announcing the May 10th opening, specifically said that people in public would “continue to be required to wear masks.”

Are They Fucking Up Now?

We still have no idea where the New York Times got the 1,000+ figure in terms of cases, but we’re increasingly certain that they’re completely wrong. That said, both NYT and Guam itself has said the number of cases has jumped up by about 150 (Guam claims to have about 300 cases).

So we’re going to stick with that 300 figure and say they’re not fucking up.

American Samoa

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Beep bop does not compute.

Had They Fucked Up?

They had zero cases! They also did not have the ability to test!

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Can’t open what ain’t closed.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Can’t close what never had to open that ain’t closed that aint…you get the idea.

Are Masks Mandatory?

We don’t think so. Again, no cases. No cases, no masks, makes sense.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Haha could you imagine if we somehow decided to try to argue that the answer is yes here?

Anyway, the answer is no. Obviously.

U.S. Virgin Islands

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

No, they had a total of 72 cases, but we were a bit nervous about them opening up for tourism.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They issued shelter-in-place on March 23rd, which should put all the states holding out till April in perspective. May 4th opened gyms, tennis courts, bowling alleys and movie theaters, along with HAIR STUFF and massage parlors.

On May 26th, restaurants and bars opened, and June 1st brought back tourism, baby!

What Has Opened/Closed Since

Things have pretty much stayed the same in the past month.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Actually yes! We can’t find the date it was mandated, but at the very least St. Croix mandated that you have to wear masks when visiting businesses.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

Cases have doubled in the past month, but and they’re seeing their highest rates ever. But that’s 206 cases among a population of over 100,000. So no, they’re not fucking up right now.

Northern Mariana Islands

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

They had a grand total of 30 cases. This one is pretty obvious.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

They issued an emergency order on March 13th in lieu of a full shelter-in-place. We couldn’t really find specifics on opening or closing. We’ve since dug up that on March 30th, a 7PM curfew was put in place.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

They’re looking to reopen tourism *checks watch* tomorrow.

Are Masks Mandatory?

We couldn’t find anything one way or the other, so we’re assuming…they’re suggested? Pure conjecture.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

There have been three cases since June 14th. Yeah, they’re doing juuuust fine.

Puerto Rico

June 14th’s Map

July 14th’s Map

Had They Fucked Up?

Not in the least, especially considering how many people live in Puerto Rico. They had one of the lowest cases-per-capita rates in the nation.

Previous Closing and Re-Opening Dates

Everything shut down March 26th along with a 7PM to 5AM curfew. They like, allowed taxis to drive you to an appointment at a hardware store on May 4th, and ramped up re-opening on May 26th by opening beaches, restaurants, HAIR STUFF, and churches. June 8th brought malls, and the curfew lifted on June 15th.

What Has Opened/Closed Since

On June 29th, Puerto Rico extended their COVID curfew until July 22nd. That same day, casinos and restaurants expanded to 75% capacity, concert venues opened, and non-contact sport training and events were allowed.

Puerto Rico is opening travel on July 15th, though to even fly there you have to present a negative test that’s fewer than 72 hours old. If you don’t have that, you’ll be given a COVID-19 test at the airport, and still made to self-quarantine for 14 days, even if the test is negative.

Are Masks Mandatory?

Yes, they’re required in any public space.

Are They Fucking Up Now?

They had a random huge spike on July 6th that we can’t seem to explain, and they are trending upwards. But it’s not a sharp climb, and everything that was true a month ago is still true. It’s not great that their cases have almost doubled in the past month, but no, they’re still not fucking up.

If you made it this far, well, you deserve a stiff drink. Who knows if we’ll decide to partake in this foolish enterprise a month from today, but if we do, we’re hoping we can make it shorter and easier to write. Oh, and we’re hoping that things will start to look better. It’s been a bit of a rough month for America.

Stay safe out there, everyone. And WEAR A FUCKING MASK.