“Listen here, if you say one more bad thing about us, we will sue your ass to the stone age.”
When we first set up the America Fun Fact of the Day offices, we installed a bell in our mail room. The joke was supposed to be that every time we got a Cease and Desist order, or a letter threatening to sue us, we would ring the bell and everyone would cheer and applaud. We thought it would just be the few occasional nutjobs accusing us of sending messages through microwaves into their heads. Which, granted, we’re totally doing, but we’re pretty sure there’s nothing illegal about it, and it’s American enough that the government totally tested the shit out of that stuff back during the Cold War. But, as it turns out, we say some fairly “controversial” shit, and “piss off a lot of people who have attorneys on retainer.”
Needless to say, that bell developed a Liberty-Bell-like crack in it after our third day of operations. Now we just have a buzzer, and it goes off like, fifteen times a day. It’s the reason why we had to hire a lawyer to the AFFotD ranks, a particularly odious task, since it is next to impossible to find a lawyer who is American enough to qualify for AFFotD staff membership. We begrudgingly settled on Ray Beckerman, who spends most of his time trying to stop the RIAA from suing hardworking Americans from downloading music, which is the most American way to listen to music (well, other than blowing into a half empty whisky jug). He’s used his expertise to help keep AFFotD running, through a combination of savvy settlements, timely court decisions, and a few instances of having Christopher Walken go to the plaintiffs and say creepy, threatening things to them.
“You should. drop. this……………suit”
And in the course of our occasionally “immoral” legal dealings, we have come to a realization about the legal system. Frivolous Lawsuits are one of the more American things we can think of. On one hand, you have the Americans trying to cheat the system to get money they don’t deserve. We can appreciate that. And as the recipient of numerous frivolous lawsuits, we can just insult the hell out of these pieces of shit. See? It lets us look down on our fellow man. How much more American can you get?
So, in the spirit of America, and as an excuse to just eviscerate some assholes as a way to vent about our continuous legal woes, today’s fun fact is…
The Most American Frivolous Lawsuit by Asshole UnAmerican Americans.
All the below cases are real.