Let’s Give Thanks That America Does Thanksgiving Better Than Canada

“Did your staff members ever went to a Canadian Thanksgiving, and can you tell me how much better an American Thanksgiving is?”

~AFFotD Reader “Harge.” We copy and pasted that directly from the email he sent us.

Canadian Thanksgiving Table Spread

2020 is a weird year for Thanksgiving for some reason. But now’s not the time to think about the fact that we’re going to have one Thanksgiving that might be a bit quieter and definitely a lot more virtual than we’re used to. It’s time to give thanks that Thanksgiving in general is awesome in America, while we dunk on Canada’s cheap-ass imitation of our glorious holiday.

Let’s Make Fun of Canada’s Thanksgiving, Shall We?

We’ve never made it a secret that we we fucking love Thanksgiving. It’s got everything! Comfort food! Football! A random day or two off of work! Excessive drinking among people who have violently different political ideologies! 

It’s low-key one of the most underrated holidays we have. It’s the perfect mix of food, drink, family, and relatively low-expectations. There’s not the pressure of presents of Christmas, nor is there the “eh, it’s just a Monday off I guess” of Labor Day. 

However, our neighbors up north have their own idea of what Thanksgiving should be. They’ve had their own Thanksgiving as a national holiday since 1879, and started talking about Thanksgiving before America did, which means you could argue that their holiday is not a cheap-ass imitation of our holiday, but rather that our holiday is a kick-ass improvement of their holiday.

We just wanted to clarify that last point before we started getting comments yelling at us about that earlier sentence (we can guarantee it would NOT be written by a Canadian, as they’re too polite to engage in such comment section bullshit). 

Anyway, here is a list of reasons why we should be glad that our Thanksgiving is awesome, especially compared to Canada’s version which can best be described as a “nice dinner after church.”

Canadian Thanksgiving Is on a Monday (If You’re Lucky)

Garfield cat on a white background image in Vector cliparts category at pixy.org

America’s Thanksgiving happens at the end of November, on a Thursday. In Canada, however, it occurs in early October…and on a Monday. 

This is absolute horseshit. Monday holidays are run of the mill. Basic. A nice treat, but not something to really get jazzed about. A Monday holiday is 50% of every single-use vacation day, it’s not a holiday

Not only is Canada’s Thanksgiving held on the 2nd Monday of every October, it’s usually not even recognized on that day. Most Thanksgiving dinners happen on the prior Sunday, and it’s not a guarantee you’ll actually get that Monday off (depending on the province you live in, since it’s an optional holiday in five of those.)

Think about it. If you’re celebrating Thanksgiving in Canada, there’s a good chance you’ll have a high-stakes family dinner with no day off afterwards. That sounds like actual hell.

Canada’s Thanksgiving Exists for Religious Reasons

church-1907389_1280

So Canada’s Thanksgiving is largely centered around the harvest, which we’d call lame but our Thanksgiving origin story is pretty shitty itself if you take a closer look at it.

But the first calls for a Thanksgiving were by Protestants who wanted to do two things. They wanted to throw shade at America for their Civil War (it literally was proposed to “give thanks” that they avoided the “bloodshed” happening south of them). And they wanted to throw shade at England by making it a Protestant thing. 

We don’t like to get involved in religious arguments here at AFFotD but we’ll just say this, as far as the merits of making a Protestant-specific holiday, lol nice try you’re not going to trap us into saying something religious that’ll piss everyone off here. Not today, Satan.

The Football Is Hot Trash

Canadian Football Game Between Plays

If you like sports and witnessing neural degradation in real time, one of the most enjoyable aspects of Thanksgiving in America is the opportunity to sit down and watch three NFL games in what ends up being the only halfway decent games you can see on a Thursday.

It also gave us the Butt Fumble, to which we are eternally grateful. 

Canada’s Thanksgiving does include a football doubleheader (again, ugh, on a Monday) but here’s the kicker…it’s Canadian football.

No thanks. Canadian football is weird and garbage. And what the fuck is a rouge? The only way to get a single point should be an extra point, comrades

There’s No Shopping After

Crowd inside a shopping center with

Listen, say what you will about the dangers and greed that are represented by Black Friday. We agree that it’s stressful, exhausting, and occasionally violent, and doesn’t paint Americans in the best light.

That said, how else are you going to save $300 on a flat screen TV while teaching Jimmy a valuable lesson on how to effectively hip-check a 85-year-old grandmother who’s about to get the last air fryer? And you wonder why we call Canadians soft

They Don’t Have a Thanksgiving Day Parade

WHAT IS THIS

Actually we’re okay with this.

There Are Multiple Thanksgiving Meals Over the Weekend

turkey

Canadians don’t have to make the hard decision of “which family’s house should we spend the holiday at” because they can opt to do meals on any day of that extended weekend.

The fools. The poor, poor fools.

It Takes Place Way Too Early

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Canadian Thanksgiving falls on the second Monday of October, which, if you’ll ask us, is way too early. America’s approach to Thanksgiving means that the holiday, involving eating copious amounts of heavy, delicious, warm food while drinking unhealthy amounts, takes place right as you’re pretty much assured a nice, chill, post-fall/early-winter day. Which feels right.

Think about it this way—in Chicago this year, the temperature on the day of Canada’s Thanksgiving was 67 degrees. In Chicago. Eating your body weight in turkey and mashed potatoes in that weather sounds exhausting, unless you live in Southern California. Though if you’re in LA, you’re probably sitting down at the table to carve a gallon of green juice or some oatmeal shit. 

Thanksgiving in late November also is perfect as the kickoff to start thinking about Christmas. You don’t want to hold that anticipation for almost three months, which is what you have to deal with if you’re using Canada’s Thanksgiving as a holiday barometer. 

There Are Fewer Days Off of Work

sleeping at a desk job

The most infuriating part of Canadian Thanksgiving is that it offers less time off. In America, you are guaranteed that Thursday off, with many offices closing on Friday as well. Wednesday also tends to be a half day for many, allowing millions of Americans to have a work week where it’s actually okay that they get fuck-all done.

Not in Canada. No, as mentioned earlier in this article, Canadians are lucky to even get a three-day weekend, as it’s not an official national holiday. Goddamn it Canada, the easiest part to not screw up is the “no school, no work” part of the equation, and you couldn’t even get that right.

And finally, the biggest reason why USA just does Thanksgiving better is…

Americans Actually Give a Shit About Thanksgiving

A group of young men and women

Finally, the biggest reason why American Thanksgiving is infinitely better than Canada’s fucking office potluck is that we give it the attention and respect that it deserves.

In Canada, Thanksgiving is like, eh, a thing? But nothing more than that. It doesn’t top anyone’s top holiday lists. It’s like Flag Day, but with an obligatory family meal, for them. And that sucks, because Flag Day sucks.

Americans, on the other hand, use this time to celebrate friends, family, and get into insufferable political arguments where Facebook is the primary information source being used. 

It’s a time to get drunk, overeat, and watch Aunt Gladys absolutely fucking scream at Uncle Mark because his lazy ass had to be ASKED to do the dishes instead of offering like a GENTLEMAN. 

Thanksgiving is for getting into fights in a Best Buy at 4 in the morning, and remembering that turkey almost always comes out dry no matter how much you basted it. 

It’s the one time you can eat pumpkin pie without someone giving you a strange look as if to say, “What day does this motherfucker think this is, Thanksgiving?” When your mother doesn’t actually bother to count how many glasses of wine you’ve had because she’s seven in herself. It’s a time for beer bellies to be enhanced by sitting in a recliner at just the right position as you watch the Detroit Lions lose a football game. 

It’s a beautiful day. And it’s a shame Canada doesn’t appreciate it the way we do.

This year, of course, Thanksgiving is likely going to be a lot different for many Americans. But as we wait to bring things back to normal in November of 2021, take the time this year to be thankful for what you have. And thankful we don’t have to celebrate Canada’s wack-ass version of the holiday.

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