“I thought we couldn’t get any lower than talking about how horny that Paper Mario N64 game was, but here we are…”
~Affotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
For reasons that should be apparent, our staff has had a lot of time on our hands to try to binge various tv series we’ve not previously seen. In this case, that show was Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Now, you might get a little public-distance-based unease at the idea of a group of drunk people watching 176 episodes of television inside during a pandemic, but don’t worry. Our staff has taken all the proper precautions.
We’ve literally never stepped foot outside of our office since March 15th. Except for one intern, who we send out twice a week to do all of our grocery shopping. He has to leave all the food and booze outside of our office and then he must scurry off to spend the rest of his time alone in a small, hermetically-sealed closet.
We don’t even talk to him over the phone, in case the virus can be transmitted wirelessly. He has lost his mind.
But enough about Darren, who apparently has changed his name to “Lorgon, the final man” in a fit of mania. Let’s talk about Star Trek. Because guess what?
This shit is HORNY.
Every Star Trek: The Next Generation Character Who Has Fucked
Just like our Paper Mario article, this post doesn’t really speak to a larger cultural truth. Star Trek: The Next Generation is just a show where a lot of people bang. We are not the first to point this out, and we hope we aren’t the last.
It is very likely that we will forget to list characters who have in fact, either explicitly or implicitly, gotten their dirty parts touched at some point during the course of that series. If that is the case, it is your very solemn duty to let us know in the comments section, so we can right that truly heinous wrong.
Anyway, the best way to understand how horny this show is involves pointing out one of the first things that happened in this show.
(Note- after seven seasons, TNG spawned a total of four motion picture films. There is fucking in several of these. For the sake of not having to watch Insurrection again, we will only be talking about fucking that happened during the actual show.)
Lieutenant Commander Data
Here’s how horny this show was. They made a character (the best one by a longshot, btw) an Android. How long until their writers felt they had to deal with the “Does Data have a dick, and does it work” question?
The second episode. The second. Fucking. Episode.
In the world-building of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the first thing they established was that Q was a character who liked to cause a ruckus, and the second was “Data fucks.”
You might be saying to yourself, “Wait, Data’s an emotionless man who doesn’t have feelings but DOES have flesh? What is he, my second husband” to which we’ll say, Gretchen, that’s a solid burn on Gary, but we don’t have time. There’s a lot of fucking that happened on that ship and we have to talk about ALL OF IT.
WE GOTTA MOVE ON!
Lieutenant Natasha Yar
Tasha Yar was the head of security of the Enterprise before she was killed off at the end of the first season in such a pointlessly dismissive manner that they wrote a time travel episode that let her sacrifice herself to save the universe as an apology.
She grew up an orphan, fending for herself until she beat the odds and became a star student at Starfleet Academy, where she quickly worked her way up in the ranks to run all of security for the flagship of the Federation.
She also got infected with a horny virus and banged an android at one point.
In The Naked Now, the crew of the Enterprise gets infected with a *waves hands and makes space noises* that leads to everyone losing all inhibitions and what have you, and listen, Tasha Yar was the head of security whose character was killed off in an almost offensively pointless way toward the end of the first season, and we could talk about that for days, but this article is about fucking, and her response to this infection was to demand that Data do her good, and goodly he did do her.
We could talk a lot for how weird and bad The Naked Truth was, but we mostly want to point out that her haircut in this picture was only when she was trying to seduce Data. In every other scene she looked normal and not like a Yandy’s model selling a generic Superman costume.
Ensign Jenna D’Soro
Data had a girlfriend toward the end of the 4th season. She had just broken up with an emotionally unavailable guy, so he gave himself a boyfriend program, before she realized that she needed to work on herself.
This is the point where some of you might say, considering his statements to the Borg Queen (who he also fucks) in the film First Contact, it seems like he hasn’t been sexually active since his time with Tasha Yar, and they must have just dated and not boned. You probably could have a solid case, taking into consideration timelines and dialogue from the film.
We would respond to that by saying, listen man, the moment you start arguing about a fictional robot fucking, you might as well just give up on your dreams.
Lieutenant Ro Laren
Ro Laren was a Bajoran national who joined the crew of the Enterprise in the fifth season. She grew up as a refugee before joining Starfleet, where her career was ruined after disobeying a direct order during an away mission, leading to the death of eight of her teammates.
She later was assigned to the Enterprise, and showed herself to be an engaging, and capable, officer, before defecting to the Maquis, a rebel group dedicating to fighting the brutal Cardassians.
The character, whose no-nonsense and occasionally caustic demeanor was a fan favorite, was originally intended to play a major role in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, but actress Michelle Forbes turned down the role.
Anyway, all of this is to say, in the Episode 5, Season 14 episode Conundrum, everyone loses their memory and Ro absolutely fucks Riker.
Lieutenant Commander Nella Daren
The head of stellar sciences on the Enterprise-D for one Season 6 episode, Lieutenant Commander Daren was outspoken and forthright in her brief time on the ship, where she banged Captain Picard just, a whole bunch.
Captain (Eventually Admiral) Jean-Luc Picard
Captain Jean-Luc Picard, portrayed by the legend Patrick Stewart, arguably is responsible for the breadth of Star Trek material available today. While the movies for the original series helped spawn The Next Generation, Stewart’s calm, collected portrayal of Picard helped make the show one of America’s most popular shows at the time, attracting 30 million viewers, and directly spawning two spin-offs during its run.
As a captain, Picard is a tactical genius, a concerned leader, and a true friend. He also fucks.
Before he even hooks up with Daren, he also hits it and does NOT quit it several times with…
We were going to go with a picture of Vash in a swimsuit that’s a one-piece but somehow shows her belly button (because, 80s) but decided this picture much better sums up her role as Picard’s on-again-off-again paramore.
Vash was basically a futuristic Indiana Jones, if Indiana Jones solely intended to gather archeological artifacts for a profit. She also hooks up with Picard on several occasions, before she ends up traveling the galaxy with Q, who despite having the powers of a God, does not fuck at any point during the events of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
We’re not saying that Gods should fuck we’re just saying, considering the Greek and Roman mythology, we are a bit wary of Gods who choose not to fuck.
Lieutenant Commaner Worf
Worf is one of the few characters on the show to actually have a child born during his time on the Enterprise, so he has RECEIPTS when it comes to fucking.
But first, let’s talk about this iconic character. Worf has appeared on 282 episodes in the Star Trek universe, more than any other character or actor. A Klingon, adopted by humans after his parents were killed by Romulans in a massacre of colonists.
He would go on to be one of the most influential and important Klingons in the late 24th century.
Worf also went on to fuck on Deep Space Nine, where he was married. But we’re only focused on his successful fucking on the Enterprise. And he was QUITE successful.
Worf had a type, and that type was “people whose parents were each of different species.” So he banged a half-human, half-Klingon, a half-Klingon, half-Romulan, and finally a half-human, half-Betazoid. That we know of.
The first time that Worf fucks, he does the nasty with K-Ehleyr. He basically assumes it means he’s gonna get married, which is funny considering the fact that, by our count, he bangs more than anyone in the show other than, like, Troi or Riker.
But K-Ehleyr didn’t want any part of that. She decided against the traditional Klingon rituals for sexy-times. She got knocked up, and was then killed in her second appearance, leaving Worf to take care of their son on the Enterprise, who shockingly ended up NOT being a cockblock, considering Worf’s luck with the ladies in later episodes.
Ba’el was a half-Klingon, half-Romulan who Worf met on the prison camp of Carraya IV during the two-part Birthright episodes. They totally mushed parts together.
Commander Deanna Troi
Oh right, Worf also randomly hooks up with Troi for like, three episodes, and then it’s never mentioned again. Troi, of course, was the empathic half-Betazoid, half-Human counselor of the USS Enterprise, who previously had a relationship with William Riker, who she ends up marrying in the movies.
She also bangs a BUNCH of other people. We’re not here to slut shame, because more power to her, and Troi was an essential, important, integral member of the crew. We’re just saying, hey, she made the most of her time in space it seems.
At one point during the series she actually gives birth to a child, but she did not have sex to create that child.
However, even though she never fucked Riker during the show (she only did so before, and after, the show took place) she did fuck the following during her time on the show…
Lieutenant Thomas Riker
After a transporter accident in 2361, two different versions of Will Riker existed. One shortly thereafter dumped Troi to further his Starfleet career before becoming the number one of the Starship Enterprise. The other, a Lieutenant at the time, was marooned on his ship for seven years.
The latter copy of Riker decided to go by Thomas. He also ended up hooking up with Troi, while working with Will Riker, which has to be the most complicated workplace romance of all time.
Doctor Wyatt Miller
Wyatt Miller was a family friend of the Troi family who had been bonded to Deanna for marriage during their childhood. He spent most of his formative years imagining a hot blonde woman, who he drew a bunch of pictures of.
He assumed it was Troi, and when he met her, realized it was a different woman…but figured, hey, might as well bang. He eventually found the dream woman he had been drawing, and ended up with her. Troi was like weirdly fine with it.
Ambassador Lwaxana Troi
Troi’s mother, full Betazoid and over-the-top personality who really really wanted to fuck Picard made sure she got some action in her roughly half a dozen appearances.
She’s introduced bragging that Betazoid weddings happen with everyone naked, so it’s not surprising she got some action. Her conquests included…
Lwaxana was largely presented as an eye-roll-y “oh brother, here she goes again” type character at the start, but her relationship with Doctor Timicin (minus some of the more problematic “she’s motivated by a ticking biological clock” aspects) was actually a fairly genuine and somewhat sorrowful moment for the character.
Essentially, she falls in love with Timicin, a genius scientist and doctor working on saving his home world’s dying sun. He wishes he had met her sooner, because as a Kaelon, his people ritually commit suicide at 60 to ensure the aged not become a burden to the younger generation.
Yeah, it’s gutty, and yeah, you’re all on the edge of your seat wondering what kind of joke we’re gonna make about killing everyone over 60 here on Earth, but don’t worry.
We just want to show appreciation for Timicin, who was a kind and decent alien, but who also got to have some sexagenarian sex, which is kind of a beautiful turn of phrase if you squint enough.
DaiMon Tog was a Ferengi who decided to kidnap Lwaxana to take advantage of her telepathic abilities for profit. As part of the plan to get free, she seduced him and rubbed his ears, which is a very sensually sensitive area for that species.
So while DaiMon Tog doesn’t quite fuck, he at least gets the Ferengi version of like, 3/4 of a hand job, so we’re going to count it.
Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge
The Enterprise’s chief engineer was portrayed as an extremely capable, loyal crew member and friend, and someone who completely sucks at talking with women.
That’s not entirely fair, but at the same time they also once had him fall in love with a holographic representation of a woman he never met, and then got mad at her after the real woman found the holograph program in real life (she was married too, by the way).
That said, Geordi is a beloved character of the Enterprise crew, and as such, he has managed to fuck. And thankfully, no, we feel confident saying he didn’t try to do anything nasty with his holodeck program crush.
La Forge tries SUPER HARD on a date with Henshaw on the holodeck (Geordi, we gotta talk) which turned her off on his brand of over-eagerness. As far as we can tell, she’s just a random person on the ship, and not someone with rank (which is wild that they have so many civilians considering all the war the Enterprise takes part in).
Anyway, Geordi tries to hit on her again later, it doesn’t work, but then he briefly merges his minds or whatever with an alien, which gave him confidence, and led to the two of them doing the naked tango for a period of time.
Lieutenant Junior Grade Aquiel Uhnari
The episode featuring Uhnari isn’t well-remembered, mostly because it involves Geordi going through a woman’s private messages and then hooking up with her. (He thought she was dead when he went through the messages.) (He then accused her of murder.) (The 6th season episode is very skippable.)
Commander Beverly Crusher
The Chief Medical Officer of the Starship Enterprise, and eventually a Commander, Crusher had the ultimate bad luck in men. Her husband died in a mission early in their marriage, leaving her a single mother. The man who ordered her husband to his death was Picard, who had strong feelings for Crusher, but who eventually abandoned those feelings in favor of a strong friendship.
But when she joined the Starship Enterprise, she had the WORST luck. The first person to show interest to her was a glow monster, and her two sexual partners was a symbiont creature, several times, in different bodies, and a fucking GHOST.
Let’s just go into this because, yeah.
Odan was a Trill symbiont, who met Crusher before the nature of the Trill species was widely known. We could talk about the logistics in play where, basically, a super old worm controls a humanoid body, but we’ll just map out the events of “The Host” as simplistically as we can.
Beverly bangs Odan, a distinguished ambassador looking to stop a war. His host dies, and Odan is like, “Guess what I’m a worm thing. Can you store me in Riker for a while?”
Riker agrees. Odan still wants to bang Beverly, but in Riker’s body. Troi, his future wife, agrees? Because? So she also bangs Riker, who is a purely platonic close friend to Crusher, but she insists that seeing his penis is fine, because his mind is of Odan.
Then Odan gets put in a woman’s body and Beverly is like, “Eww, gross, we’re done Odan.” So clearly this episode aged great.
But this is not the worst thing we get from Beverly Crusher’s sexual history! Because it’s hard to top a g-g-g-ghost!
We don’t want to talk about the episode “Sub Rosa” because it sucks. But basically a ghost creature that needs to take human form has been fucking a member of the Crusher family every generation since the 1600s. And it continues with Beverly.
Trust us, you don’t want to research this character any further. No good can come from that.
Former Lieutenant Junior Grade Wesley Crusher, (Prob Fucked)
Wes is, oh, let’s say a bit of a controversial character. Some people loved him, a generation of girls had a crush on him, and a sizable group of people thought he was a goody-two-shoes obnoxious fucking teenager on their sci-fi program.
Honestly, the truth is somewhere in between. He was a wunderkind who saved the day on several occasions, often made you roll your eyes, and who was given a bit of a forced character sendoff where he became a mythical “traveler.”
He also probably fucked? Like, he probably fucked. He made out with a changeling whose true form was pure light (when he found out that she could change forms, he got kind of racist about it!) and also made out with Ashley Judd when she as 23 and Wil Wheaton was 19.
We can’t assume either of those characters had to take the spacewalk of shame after a night of probably super vanilla sex, but it only seems likely that during his three years at the Academy (which was co-ed) that he was able to get his college-aged freak on in a Co-Ed setting.
Wes proba fucked.
Professor Keiko O’Brien
The wife of Miles O’Brien, and the Enterprise’s botanist, Keiko joins Worf as one of the few people on the ship whose fucking has receipts. She gave birth on the Enterprise, and had another child with Miles while they were on Deep Space Nine (where she was a school teacher, since no botanist was needed there).
Senior Chief Petty Officer Miles O’Brien
Miles O’Brien, one of the major minor characters until he swapped over to Deep Space Nine, got married to Keiko in a fourth season episode where Data almost ruins the wedding. He has a few kids with Keiko. Safe to say he’s fucked.
Lieutenant Alyssa Ogawa
Before Crusher promotes her to Lieutenant Junior Grade, Alyssa was a head nurse on the Enterprise. She also married, and got knocked up by, Andrew Powell, who when introduced seemed like a bit of an aloof douchebag. We’re starting to run out of steam writing this article.
Lieutenant Andrew Powell
Andrew Powell, who when introduced seemed like a bit of an aloof douchebag, married and knocked up Alyssa Ogawa. We’re starting to run out of steam writing this article.
Captain William T. Riker
William Riker was the second in command of the Enterprise, who turned down multiple opportunities to captain his own ship due to his love of the Enterprise and his loyalty to Captain Picard.
But he also was a man who wanted to catch every single space STD that exists.
Now, after this entry, you’ll see the whole list of Riker’s conquest that haven’t previously been mention (RIKER FUCKS). But let’s also pour a glass out for the women who missed out on the three minutes of hairy panting he dished out to so many women over the course of the show.
Lal—Data’s (hot) (?) Android daughter.
Carmen Devila—a hot settler who unfortunately gets killed by the Crystalline Entity shortly after agreeing for a fuck-night with Riker.
And, like, about half of the female crew on the ship. Riker fucks.
Riker was legitimately a smokeshow when Star Trek started, and as time progressed he did that “I have a beard now, so I can gain 40 pounds and it’s the same thing right” thing that many handsome men with beards try to get away with.
All of this is to say, the writers of TNG would not stop telling us how hot Riker was. Lanel was an alien on a planet nearing warp drive technology that Riker was surveilling. In order to escape, Lanel, a nurse at the facility he was staying, said, “Are you an alien? Okay, well I wanna know how your species fucks. If you fuck me good and human-like, I’ll let you go.”
This is not a joke we wrote. That’s like, exactly what happened.
See this is what we’re talking about when we say that Season One Riker was a lean piece of man-meat. They tried really hard to make him the equivalent of late season Captain Kirk (in terms of banging all the aliens) when the show started and was extremely horny, but they walked that back (though, like, only a little.)
Basically the crew goes down to a planet where women rule everything and men are slaves, and one of the leaders of that society was like, “Hey, Riker, you look like you can take care of a lady in all the right ways, amiright” and Riker was like, “Okay let me get in a V-neck robe that basically goes down to my waist, and here’s a crystal as a present” and she was all, “Listen, you’re blowing this, but you seem hot, let’s bang.”
That’s not an entirely faithful representation of this episode, but it was a bad episode from the early season where the show didn’t know what the fuck it was doing.
The eventual leaders of the Bringloidi, a non-technological society, Brenna was the strongly-opinionated daughter of the society’s leader (at the time) who also decided to fuck Riker in a season 2 episode referred to by AFFotD reader Orrski as “shameful” and “humiliating” and which caused our Editor-in-Chief to state “Star Trek is horny again.”
Soren is a pilot of the J’nail, a species who do not have separate genders. Soren, however, who believes that they are actually female (in a society where associating with a gender is viewed as a mental illness, and leads to being “re-educated.”)
They decide they want to bang Riker, and probably bang Riker, before getting caught and “re-educated” and we don’t want to say anything more about this episode because holy shit it did NOT age well.
Jesus Christ, we didn’t realize we’d have to spend so many words just on the Riker section. Why are you still reading this?
Anyway, Etana Jol fucks Riker to get him addicted to a video game so that she can take over the Enterprise. Wesley and Ashley Judd foil her efforts.
You probably forgot about Yuta, the last surviving member of the Acamarian Tralesta clan who served as the Acamarian leader’s servent in order to assassinate him.
She probably changed positions a few times Riker, and he had to kill her when she went all evil. So don’t feel bad that you forgot about Yuta. Riker did too :(.
But we’re not going to end this article with the 150-year-old woman who Riker fucked and killed (this show is wild when you peel back the layers of the onion). No we’re going to end with what, in our eyes, is the funniest entry in this very very stupid article.
Let’s talk about the cat that fucked.
*👏* Data’s *👏* cat *👏* fucks!
We know this because Spot is pregnant in the season 7 episode Genesis. So Spot. Fucks.
Who does Spot fuck? Well they won’t make this list, because Data doesn’t know, and there are 12 male cats on the ship that could have done the deed.
This show is so horny. This blog post is so dumb. We regret nothing.