“Hey honey, look at these shorts! Aren’t they funny? It’s SUGGESTIVE ha ha! What’s that? What do you mean you’re leaving me?”
~The Average Customer at Family Gift Nation
There’s no use explaining how we became aware of Family Gift Nation, a website devoted to selling extremely white bread, extremely cheesy sentiment so bland and fucking precious it makes those “Live, Laugh, Love” wine glasses looking like fucking meth pipes.
They almost exclusively sell watches, wallets, music boxes, and, um, engraved basketballs that are covered with, we shit you not, like 75 words of copy along the lines of, “My DEAREST SON, you are the true LIGHT OF MY LIFE, and when we SUMMER in the FINGER LAKES, just know that you are my SPECIAL LITTLE BOY and I will do ANYTHING to help you achieve your dreams of making VARSITY on the LACROSSE TEAM and I mean ANYTHING my SPECIAL CHILD.”
If you think we’re being a bit hyperbolic here, just check this shit out. Jesus Christ.
Anyway, while 90% of this nightmare site is wholesome bullshit that you’d expect to see on a dish towel in the kitchen of a super evangelical Christian woman who doesn’t give money to food banks for borderline racial reasons, there is one other type of item that they sell.
And they’re terrible. So we’re going to talk about…
Family Gift Nation’s Horrible, Horrible Joke Shorts
Family Gift Nation has all the sense of humor of a Southern Baptist minister turning off a John Mulaney comedy special the first time he hears the word “fuck.” The entire staff of this enterprise are like three women named Louise who have been to “the big city” two or three times, and by the way “the big city” is Cincinnati. If Family Gift Nation had a Patronus it’d be a woman mending her husband’s socks with a black eye.
Just about every item these guys sell screams “trying to hard to look like you’re accepting your gay son.” They’re exclusively intended to keep your AirBnb listing in Iowa at about a 3.8 rating. The first actual child that would appreciate receiving one of these family gifts from their parents had long ago decided to kill them and make it look like a murder-suicide.
What we’re trying to say, with our trademark subtlety, is that is some hokey, awkward, so-earnest-it-circles-all-the-way-to-sarcastic, “oh-sorry-no-mayonnaise-that’s-too-spicy-for-my-constitution” stereotypical white people shit. Mostly.
Because for some reason, they decided to make “joke” shorts. And this is where they throw the wholesome thing out of the window in the most awkward way because someone told them that dad jokes are “raunchy” and, well…that was terrible advice to give these mouthbreathers.
Ultimately, the joke shorts can be sorted into five almost-equally terrible categories. Here they are, meticulously curated for your horror.
Beware. These are awful. So bad.
Category One: That’s Not How Puns Work
Puns, when done well, still usually suck. The best-case-scenario response you should expect from a perfectly executed pun is a groan followed by, “Ohhh fuck you!”
Fuck off, Family Gift Nation. That song is nine goddamn years old. We’re so mad about everything in this article.
This feels like a crime.
Category Two: Sorry, We’re Not Going to Watch You and Your Kid’s “Cute Family-Themed Parody Song” YouTube Channel
You know that family that sends out a group email urging you to “check out” this “super cute” parody video of “Bad Guy” that they spent $5,000 on. They star in the video with their young kids, and it’s about their fucking dog or something. You already know everyone is blonde and white, even the dog somehow.
Well, Family Gift Nation decided to make shorts for that family.
NO. CURSED ITEM. CURSED ITEM.
Ugh this depresses us.
Oh no, the moment we saw you in this matching bullshit, we immediately understood.
We hate to end this section with a wholesome couple using pizza to tell you about the butt stuff that they do, but tell us we’re wrong here, folks. There’s only one way that pizza is going to be made whole…
Category Three: Here’s a Fun Fact You Might Not Realize—If You’re the Couple That Buys Matching His and Hers Items, Your Friends Hate You
There is a time and a place for matching clothing, decorations, towels, or anything else that come in pairs and are labeled “His” and “Hers.”
That time and place only exists for screenwriters trying to establish that the husband and wife living next door to the protagonist in your comedy film or sitcom are, just, the absolute worst. Just the most obnoxious, boring people. Just gross and bad. Depressing to be around. They “don’t go out anymore” but would you like to come over and play Parcheesi with them on Super Bowl Sunday? The game will NOT be on!
So basically the prime target audience for Family Gift Nation.
If you can afford the rights to Disney why can’t you afford the rights to Han Solo?
Jesus Christ. The couple that spends the $60 dollar price tag on this deserves to go to prison. Just posting this on the internet has put us on several watch-lists.
Category Four: BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS
This is where things get raunchy! Because BUTTS! BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS!
These shorts could also be in the his/hers section, but either way, ugh, gross.
This costs $35.
Category Five: The Dreaded Dad Dick
So by now the dichotomy between their weird “wholesome” bullshit and their attempts at humor is obvious, but you haven’t seen anything yet, because the fifth and final category is also by far the largest. Because…
SO. MANY. OF. THESE. SHORTS. ARE. JUST. DICKS.
DREADED DAD DICKS.
CURSED ITEM! CURSED ITEM! CURSED ITEM!
What’s even more frustrating is that there are an insane amount of “stop staring at my (pun about a dick)” jokes sold by Family Gift Nation. Like, a dozen. That’s far too many. It’s a joke that was never funny initially, and…well…
UGHHHHH COME ONNNNNNN.
We were looking at this for hours, HOURS, before we realized it was a The Walking Dead reference. And what?
It’s impossible to realize that this is a baseball bat. And this is literally the only “stop staring at my ___” pair of joke shorts sold by Family Gift Nation that isn’t even close to being a penis pun.
And even worse—they made this years, years, after The Walking Dead was a show that people were actually watching. Negan first appeared at the end of the sixth season of that show. That’d be like making Bewitched shorts after Dick York left the show and being like, “Stop staring at my Dick Sargent.”
Actually it’s nothing like that, because what we just proposed is an actual working penis pun. Not this Lucille bullshit.
ALL OF THESE are made by the same company where the vast majority of what they sell is shit like this $30 baseball that says, and holy shit we wish we were making this up, “I can’t promise to be here for the rest of your life, but I can promise to love you for the rest of mine. Love, Grandma.”
Anyway, the same people behind that wrote that decided to take a picture of a dog shaped like a penis and print it on like two feet of swimming trunk material.
AND THEY ALSO DECIDED TO MAKE THIS NEXT PAIR OF SHORTS!
TRIGGER WARNING: DICKS AHOY! LOOK AWAY!
Family Gift Nation can burn in hell.