“Okay, we need a joke for the header about Goop. Like, something like, what does Goop rhyme with? Oh, got it! Goop? More like….. STOOPid. More like stupid. Perfect, put it in the article, I’m so drunk right now.”
America, let’s talk about Goop. Like, you all know what it is—the lifestyle brand run by Gwyneth Paltrow that’s kind of extra? We’ve not really covered it here (in fact we’ve not once talked about it in the seven and a half years of this website’s existence) because, well, it’s a bit much, isn’t it? The name, the snake oil salesman tactics, the prices, oh God, the prices. It’s all just so very extra.
But hey, for better or for worse, Goop is a part of American culture. Granted, it’s a very specific type of independently wealthy coastal woman in her 30’s culture, but a culture nonetheless. So we’ll give Goop it’s due in the only way we can think of.
8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com
Diamond Hand Charm ($1,660)
Wait, haha, sorry, typo there, that’s supposed to be $166 not…oh wait. Wait, seriously? Oh God, what kind of person spends $1600 on a severed hand to hang around their neck? Like, that’s some serial killer shit right there, you know? The kind of person who would waste a month’s rent on a tiny body part made of gold and decorated with “teensy precious diamonds” (actual description from the site, barf) would not hesitate to run someone down with their Bentley just for the pure sport of it.
But hey, don’t let it be said that the people behind Goop aren’t understanding of those of us on a tight budget. If you want a cheaper version of the charm, you can opt for the Emerald severed fucking hand that’s a steal at $1,340. Again, not a typo.
Oh, and if you want a chain to go with it, you’ll have to buy it yourself. Goop suggests this lovely $800 number. JFC.
Embroidered One-Piece ($425)
People who know more about fashion than us have let us know that $425 for a swimsuit by Stella McCartney is about what you should expect it to cost. To that we say, fuck no, this thing is stupid as hell. This is some Portlandia “Put a Bird on it” shit. The official description calls it “playful” with an “adorable cactus-horse-and-floral design” that “looks like it should only be worn by Tilda Swinton in a slightly-phoned-in Wes Anderson film performance.” Okay we may have added a little bit of editorial flair to one of those descriptions.
Knickers of the Week ($225)
Okay, so we didn’t put any of our female writers on this piece because every time we asked one they pulled the, “Fuck off, we’re not writing about Goop just because we’re girls” card, and also the, “We’re too wasted already have the interns do it” card, which actually is same card all of our male writers played to avoid writing this article as well. So according to our interns, $30 a pair for day-to-day women’s underwear is a bit on the expensive side, but not so much to make you absolutely lose our mind. That was a shocker to our male staffers, none of whom have spent more than $30 total for underwear in any five year stretch. Men’s underwear costs like, three bucks and is worn until the heat death of the universe. But that’s a discussion for a different article that no one wants to read.
Anyway, this made the list because, sure, it’s expensive underwear sold through Gwyneth Paltrow’s silly site, but mostly because we can’t stop laughing at them calling this shit knickers. Crazy fucking Brits.
Sex Oil ($28)
Yes! You absolutely DO have to say more! You can’t just drop a product called “sex oil” and then just wink wink nudge nudge your way through that shit. Now, if you click into the actual page for this item, you’ll find that it’s lube. Which, like, fine, but don’t use this product. This is $28 dollars for 4 ounces of lube that explicitly warns you not to use with latex, which has our minds racing with images of melting faces from the Indiana Jones movies. Please don’t have sex with this product, for the sake of your genitals.
Pint Glass ($70)
Because nothing says, “I’m committed to my functional alcoholism” like dropping seventy bucks on a glass most people just steal from bars in their early 20s.
But hey, this pint glass has a pewter base, which costs more, makes the glass weirdly bottom-heavy, and looks stupid as hell. Between us writing this and it being posted, this glass actually sold out, and we’ve never been more upset at the consumers of America.
Sacred Creators Oracle Set ($44)
Oh, come on now. If we made some joke about Goop selling a $44 tarot card set, you all would give us shit for going with such a cheap, lazy joke. The only thing more on the nose would be like, a fucking kegel machine or something.
Elvie Trainer ($199)
Sigh. Okay then, we asked for that. Fair.
Listen. Some people go jogging. And some people gamify their pelvic floor exercises with a $200 machine from Gwyneth Paltrow. Different strokes for different folks, you know? That being said, we’re pretty sure this is the only product on the internet whose description includes the terms “slip in just as you would a tampon” and “game-like” together. We’re honestly not sure what’s worse, this “gamified” Bluetooth-enabled kegel machine, or the $66 jade egg that you’re supposed to jam up your hoo-haw to “connect the second shakra.”
But by far the most bat-shit item that Goop has to offer our confused American public is…
Psychic Vampire Repellent ($28)
Article’s over guys. We’re gonna…
*starts backing out slowly*
You can let yourselves out…
*blindly fumbles for light switch*
*turns off lights*
Good night everybody. We’ll, sigh. Just, good night everybody.