More of the Most Absurd Petitions in America

“I’m totally signing that fire ants petition, though.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief


Back in May, we went through to find some of the most absurd petitions in existence.  It was fun.  One dude wanted to rename the planet Uranus to Planet Reagan, because Uranus sounds like a dirty word.  See, the best thing about is that there’s no real oversight or accountability, which means that when we posted absurd petitions, it was not the result of some deep search through the entire history of the site.  Those were all created within a day of each other.  We decided, hell, that was fun, so let’s do it again.  Because, honestly, is the best website on the internet if you want to find a healthy mix of people clearly posting joke petitions, and those who are both insane and angry.  That’s why we’re here to present…

More of the Most Absurd Petitions in America

Rename Fire ants to “Spicy Boys”

fire ant

“For a long time, Fire ants have been misrepresented as a species and are seen as a destructive and dangerous species, and this is partly due to their name, Fire ants. Fire is mostly seen as a dangerous destructive force and I don’t want the fire ant’s reputation to be tainted by this. I would like to rename the species of fire ants to something more positive, so I had Spicy Boys in mind. Spicy boys are much more up beat and less destructive sounding and does not taint the fire ants repuation.” 

Charles Terras of Brooklyn, New York, has a dream, and that dream is for fire ants to stop being looked down upon as the asshole ants of the ant kingdom.  Or, more likely, he stole this joke from a tumblr post that blew up a few months ago.  Either way, spicy boys are much more “up beat” and have a better “repuation” so we can get behind this one.  Go spicy boys!

To not have to babysit my eleven year old sister all summer

this kid

“My sister is eleven years old and is going into sixth grade, and my parents think I have to stay at home with her all summer while they work…she’s stayed at home by herself before and I don’t understand why this is any different. All she does is sit in her room and play on her phone or ipad, I do nothing for her at all. Not to mention, she’s been parading around all my relatives that she’s ‘babysitting a family friend’s daughter all summer and getting paid’, which makes me even more mad. I have watched her all summer in the past and I am a sophomore in high school now, and I am not spending my summer at home 24/7 again.”

This is not the first time we’ve seen someone start a petition to their parents on, but it does confirm our hope that this is totally something high schoolers are doing.  We think that’s amazing.  Ashley Weaver, who as far as we can tell is from Texas, decided to list her grievances towards having to waste her entire summer watching her completely self-reliant 11-year-old sister in the most indirect and passive aggressive way possible—by creating a petition, online, that she undoubtedly forwarded to her parents herself.  She also managed to get (at the time of this writing) 36 supporters to sign it and offer positive thoughts, like, “She’ll be fine probably!” and “Ashley needs her freedom” from someone named Ashlee.  Kids these days are all about the, apparently.  And here we were, assuming they were just all about rainbow parties or whatever.   Color us pleasantly surprised.

Get Dusty Summers fired

watch out dusty summers

Dusty summers is a river valley mall employee she and I were so called friends for awhile until a falling out she then in turn has repeatedly caused me trouble at river valley mall and for no reason I got banned from there that’s where I am fighting back because she’s not a great employee like she claims she stands around not doing her work and harasses customers who ate there to enjoy the mall she is rude and makes no effort to help ppl why should the mall have employees like this?”

Ruthie Spaulding is on a fucking mission, and as of this writing, holy shit, 22 people are on board.  Here you can see how petty someone can be with a petition, and it’s stunning to behold.  This is literally a personal feud that has escalated to full on creating a petition to get your rival fired.  This isn’t Ruthie Spaulding of Lancaster, Ohio’s only petition, either.  She also wants to get her ban from the River Valley Mall removed, since she was banned by security guards after being wrongfully accused of harassing Dusty Summers, who, as she says in the other petition, “I have had nothing but problems with this girl [but] I have not done nothing.”  Considering the fact that she actively made a petition to get this woman fired, we’re going to go out on a limb and say that, yeah Ruthie Spaulding, you probably totally were harassing a River Valley Mall employer.  And you need to chill.

A handful of people are actively enabling her in the comments section, with comments like “It is a good idea” and“It’s a shame you can get banned for nothing,” a wonderful message of support from…oh, Goddamn it, Ruthie Spaulding.

Euthanization of Jacob Sartorius

seriously who the hell is jacob sartorius

“Jacob Sartorius is cancer and needs to be put down. :)”

We’re gonna all bullshit and say that Bernie Sanders absolutely did not create this petition.  He’s probably not a big fan of preteen youtube stars, but we doubt he feels strongly enough to take the time to create a petition and request his goddamn euthanasia.  And also, if this was the real Bernie Sanders, there’s no way he’d only have 6 signatures.  Bernie bros are so fucking rage blind about this election cycle that you’d get at least 10,000 of them signing off on ending the life of a internet-famous punk looking kid simply because Bernie told them it’s the only way to really shake up the system.

Ban Cooties From elementary schools


“Cooties makes kids think that they have aids bad. It also has been studied that kids who have cooties are most likely to develop a virus that will turn them into zombies and the cootie zombies will start licking all the children. The Origin of the cooties is unknown. All we know is that is was developed in a lab in WWII by Nazi’s. Hitler wanted to plant this virus in kids to change their minds and force them to follow him against their own will. The virus however backfired and killed 5 Nazi scientist and infected Hitler making him commit suicide. This turned 6 kids named Omar (Yes all of them named Omar) Into women. 20 years later the 6 Omars created the Illuminati and it lead to the creation of ISIS. Scientist studied the Virus and figured out that in the near future, anyone who is the host of cooties will turn into a nazi zombie with aids. We need to stop this. As a great man filthyfrank once said “It’s time to stop”. Thank you.”

Um.  What the fuck did we just read? You know what, let’s…let’s just leave this alone.  We should probably…yeah, we’re done here.  Let’s just…back away.

Still backing…



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