“…Is this written by a robot, an alien, or both?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
We plan on writing a proper New Year’s Eve article tomorrow about ball dropping, because we haven’t posted in a while and we giggle at the term “ball dropping” due to our perpetual adolescence. But before we go ahead with that, we want to take a quick moment to introduce you to a very special website that tells you everything you need to know about American New Year’s Eve celebrations.
Welcome to the New Year in America – Traditions and Customs, by 123newyear.com.
It is an insignificant blip on the 3% of the internet not devoted to pornography―526 words about New Year’s traditions in America, 410 of which specifically address New Years in America. The other 116 words talk about “South American New Year Traditions” without even trying to pretend like they are aware that different countries in an entire continent might not share the same cultures and practices. There is no author, and one comment on the entire page.
It is such a tiny, tiny little thing on the internet that no one would give a second look, and we love it so much. Because it was clearly not written by a human being, and watching a computer program trying to describe this hu-man celebration gives us endless joy. So let’s go through this article, shall we?
AFFotD Website Review: 123newyear.com
“Come and be part of the celebrations to discover the American New Year traditions and enjoy the fun filled moments on the new year eve. America is of diversified culture with different ethnic background people.”
This is how the article starts, and it’s pretty much the writing equivalent of the uncanny valley. When something is written badly, it kind of stands out as bad writing (for prime examples, please feel free to peruse the site affotd.com). You read it and think, “If someone was speaking these words to me, I would think they were not very smart.” This is not bad writing. “America is of diversified culture with different ethnic background people” is not a combination of words that a human brain can come up with. That is what you get when you play a game of telephone with Google Translate where you take a sentence, translate it into Italian, Japanese, Finnish, and back to English, and then post it without an editor.
But it’s so friendly! Well, it’s robotic and cold, but it’s the robotic and cold version of being friendly. They wan you to be a part of the celebrations! “Enjoy the fun filled moments on the new year eve” they intone with a friendly smile that, deep down, you know is the last thing you will see before you die. We’re not saying that this article was written by a robot that wants to harvest you for fuel, we’re just saying we really hope this doesn’t turn into a “we told you so” situation.
Your energy source is so inefficient, writers of 123newyear.com
Let’s just keep going through this article, shall we?
“You would enjoy the various traditions of New Year in America. In the US, new year is a declared public holiday and everyone is eagerly waits for the celebrations.”
EVERYONE IS EAGERLY WAITS FOR THE CELEBRATIONS! That’s the best bad sentence we’ve ever read. That’s something that we could imagine this fucker saying, and we honestly can’t decide if we’d rather hear this being said by a fake Russian accent, or by the murderous robot that clearly wrote it. Nope, we know the answer to that. We want to hear it by a Russian Robot.
Which brings us to an important point with this whole article. Yes, it’s hilariously written (seriously, we’ve not even cut anything out yet- the following sentence in the article is “You would be surprised to explore the different American New Year traditions that bring fireworks, parties, gifts and musical events” which is, just, what?) but it also very clearly has no idea what the hell New Years is in America. According to this, Americans drink a lot of wine and eat a lot of food to “symbolize their prosperity” (false- Americans just like to get drunk and fat, it’s one of our best characteristics) and then eat black-eyed beans (yo, those are peas, dog) because they are considered “lucky and festive” (um, like pretty much ONLY in the south) and we enjoy a relaxed New Year’s Eve watching football (bullshit, we spend angry hungover New Years Day’s doing that).
They seem so excited about American New Years, but then they spend half of the article being like, “New York is the main attraction during the Christmas and New Year. You can expect people from all corners of the world joining to enjoy the festive mood” totally glossing over the fact that anyone in New York would tell you that New Year’s Eve in New York is fucking miserable. No one really likes New Year’s Eve. Everything is balls crowded and overpriced, and if you find someone who says that New Year’s is their favorite holiday you’ve found someone who never drinks except for on December 31st.
Even the movies about it suck
But back to the article. The robot proceeds to tell us, “The Times Square in the New York City hosts several events which is hosted by the television celebrity Dick Clark.” Dick fucking Clark! How OLD is this article? ” Giant vibrant colored electric apples are lowered to the ground at the time when people start saying “Happy New Year.” What!? What the fuck are you talking about, robot ghost writer!? Okay, so they’re stuck talking about New York, because apparently the only places that celebrate the New Year are the South and New York, but giant electric apples? Yo, New York hasn’t done that since the fucking 80’s! Are we having a stroke?
“You can have fun at the dance parties which is one of the major celebrations on New Year eve.” THE DANCE PARTIES! WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? ” They honk car horns to express the announcement of New Year party time. People blow paper blowers and whistles which is very exciting way of wishing happy new year!” Hahaha what is even happening right now? Are we being punk’d?
This is honestly our favorite article. There’s a section about how the midnight kiss is a tradition to ward off evil spirits or some shit, and they won’t shut up about the traditional New Year’s soul food that apparently every single American eats each year. Anyway, good job robot writer who will someday kill us all. They even got a comment! Let’s see what it says!
Hahaha. Nicely done, Radha. Happy New Year’s to you too.