AFFotD Website Review: archure.net

“I have noticed that modern trends in psychology tend to favor the Bonobo culture with Bonoboism; so myself being sexually straight, I thought perhaps I should revert to Gorillism, till I found out they are sometimes bi also.  So I will stick with being human, a straight human, one of the 75% and proud.”

~ “ARCHURE, a one man band” (no, seriously, he said that)

Strap in, folks, today’s fun fact is going to be a weird one.  Through means that we’d never be able to soberly duplicate even if we tried (this is what happens when you blackout surf the internet) we stumbled across the website for ARCHURE, who, despite what you might think, is actually a musician and not some sort of weird strange wannabe new age cultist.  Sure in his rambling, strange, made-in-1992-looking website, he manages to include dozens of links for his…music (which involves weird synchs and a generally jarringly slow pace-he claims his favorite instruments are drums and guitars but he infers he’s playing all of the instruments in the tracks, which might explain why they sound so…special) but, unlike any musician’s webpage ever ever ever, his site has devolved into a terrifying mix of militant vegetarian articles (never a way to get on our good side), strange psychological and anthropological treaties, and like a million decrees that he is not gay ARCHURE IS NOT GAY SO PLEASE STOP ASKING!

So we’re going to do an AFFotD review of archure.net’s “Sex Facts” pages (yes there are two pages) (yes they are long enough to warrant a whole website review) (yes, for the last time, this is the promotional website of a musician, please stop asking the answer will not change no matter how much you want it to) to help show you the ways that ARCHURE wants to expand your mind through more than his music.  And by the way, he is single, SINGLE AND STRAIGHT SEE FOR YOURSELF ON PLENTY OF FISH AND OKCUPID HE’S GOT BOTH ACCOUNTS LISTED ON HIS SITE BECAUSE HE IS A STRAIGHT MALE

If you’re curious, the word “hetero” is hyperlinked to the Wikipedia page for Heterosexuality.

ARCHURE.  IS.  NOT.  GAY.

(ARCHURE is probably gay)

AFFotD Website Review:  archure.net (ARCHURE is not gay, though he has gay friends, nothing wrong with that)

The top of ARCHURE’s website lists dozens of random links, some of which are songs, and some of which are articles written by ARCHURE such as “Anthro 101 Will Change Your Life Forever” (that’s where the opening quote came from) or “Everyone should see 11 videos by PETA, 60 seconds each, that will change your life forever, only 12 minutes of your time.”  If you actually scroll down past all the links you get a series of info-boxes filled with Wikipedia links saying you should “make meat illegal” (no) or “unNuke Nevada” (doesn’t work like that bro) and a whole variety of new-age hot button beliefs linking to articles on his site espousing his views on the matter.  One of the most prevalent topics, and a topic that a musician should never devote so much focus to on his website, involves human sex.  Not sex in the way that most songs about sex, we’re talking human sex, like clinical and weird.  Ideally, he wants to let you know how sex is, and why it’s difficult, but important.  We’re going to focus entirely on his sex facts page, because, holy shit, he works sex (each time asserting his heterosexuality) into just about every one of his damn articles, and it’s both hilarious and kind of unsettling because what he’s describing is not sex that normal humans have, it is sex that gay men have with women while closing their eyes and imagining Mario Lopez and sort of hiccupping back tears just a little.

Before we go any further, we should point out that this is what ARCHURE looks like.

And yes, he does have some random sticker that says “Approved Standards Official Website” up there like it’s some city sticker placed on his car’s windshield.

Remember, you can check out this guy’s Okcupid page, or email him at his Plenty of Fish account.  Because he is 100% straight totally hetero.  Seriously!  So hetero!

See?  Says so right there!  Hetero!

Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay or bi, he’s got friends like that!

And hey, ladies, he’s good for a fuck if you’d let him.

He’s straight, but he wouldn’t mind dating a lesbian, so long as she’s a Fem!  (Even though it is a bit of a taboo!)  Also, women sometimes become lesbians because men aren’t good at sexing.  ARCHURE knows this, and wants you to know this.  Oh also he plays music.  But, before you listen to that, you should let him talk about sex!  Also, he’s just saying, just because he has no money doesn’t mean he can’t go down on you (we think that’s what he’s saying here?)  (This guy is very weird).

But besides that, he uh…

Um.

Do we have to post the next screenshot?  Really?  Ugh.

Listen, everyone, we’re sorry about this, we’re, so so sorry about this, but um… listen ARCHURE has opinions that should be heard on topics of…

Um what does this have to do with your music, Archure, why are you…

What?  No, that’s not, like, do you now know what Strep is?  Do you get a sore throat each time you have sex?  What is happening?  Is anyone else’s nose bleeding right now?

ARCHURE THAT IS NOT HOW PENISES WORK THEY DO NOT HAVE OFF AND ON SWITCHES THAT MAKES NO SENSE ARE YOU SURE YOU JUST DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO WOMEN TOUCHING YOUR JUNK?

Um.

Okay then.  So, uh… where do we go from here, Archure?  You’ve literally written 10,000 words on your kind of terrifying opinions on sex, what next?

Ah okay then.  That, that makes a lot of sense.  Just, you know, quit while you’re ahead, man, don’t get into weird borderline offensive bits of “men be all THIS, and women be all” oh shit, no you’re totally going to do that aren’t you, you son of a bitch, goddamn you.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what?

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM WHAT?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ARCHURE?

This, um, ends page……one of his two page thing on sex.  He, uh.  Well this is how he ends it.

Um, listen.  We won’t make you read any more of this guy’s thoughts on sex, but we’ll just bullet point some beliefs he has from having read both of his pages of…yeahhhh.

• It’s important to have sex frequently to be healthy (okay, sure)

• You should always use protection, and women should get their tubes tied because the population is too large, though sex is fun (you’re kind of coming off the rails here)

• ARCHURE THE MUSICIAN IS A STRAIGHT MAN (why do you keep saying that?  What other straight guy has to iterate that fact that often?)

• Women are only attracted to money, but men are attractive to physical attraction (what Men’s’ Rights sites have you been reading, dude?)

• A certain percentage of men are born gay, but one out of four men become gay because they get rejected so much by women with low libidos that they turn to men for sexual contact (ummmm…..no, that’s not a thing)

• A vegetarian diet leads to a higher sex drive (you shut your damn fucking mouth with your damn lies, ARCHURE, you’re on thin ice)

• Accidental Sodomy happens ALL the time you guys, listen, it’s simple, when men are having missionary sex, it’s really easy for a guy to put it in the wrong hole without realizing, that’s why people should have sex doggy style, because men never accidentally do that with doggy style sex.  Also, it’s up to the women to (direct quote here) “Speak Up, right away, immediately.  Shout ‘Wrong Hole’ before he enters.”  It’s actually best for the woman to guide it in there, only she should try not to stroke it from base to tip, because the man will then lose his erection (NONE OF THAT IS TRUE NONE OF THIS IS A THING THAT IS A CONCERN FOR ANYONE ELSE HOW ARE YOU EVEN HAVING SEX?)

• To summarize—ARCHURE looooves sex with women, just like, with, you know, all the women bits—like, ARCHURE he prefers small boobs, but large boobs are fine too, just so long as ladies keep it clean down there, amirightamiright, but, like you know, people are doing sex wrong, which is why sometimes men prefer to just, sex up men, strong men, men that hold you in an embrace that lets you know that they are your protector, like, not that they’re gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that ARCHURE has gay friends, but like, you know, sometimes straight dudes just bang dudes because, you know, ladies, amiright?  (wh…what are you going here?  Are…are you having a stroke?)

• Yeah, you know, continuing the summary, ARCHURE loooves women , like, you know with their…purses and…uh…vulvas.  Yeah.  Things that they have.  Sometimes for sex!  Anyway, ARCHURE knows that sex is important, and he knows that women want you to look them in the eyes during sex, but men don’t want that, they’re too busy closing their eyes and grimacing (seriously) so like, they should just, you know, do it from behind, where they won’t “accidentally” put it in butts.  Like, ideally, women should guide it in there, but not like, stroke it or anything, ‘cause that’ll just make it go as soft as that time ARCHURE saw that uncensored video for “Blurred Lines” with all the women dancing around naked, with no regard for libidos!  To recap, ARCHURE loves women, so long as they don’t touch him, and don’t look him in the face during, because he will be grimacing (and…and crying?  It sounds a lot like you are describing a gay man sobbing his way through an awkward sexual encounter in high school when they’re “not sure” if they’re gay or not, but really, deep down, they know).

• ARCHURE is 100% hetero—straight—and loves women (….sure thing, pal).

We…listen, we don’t have an eloquent way to end this.  This is pure, batshit crazy, and we’ve not even managed to listen to a song this guy does.  Remember—this is a website for a musician!  What is even happening with the world!!??

Are you scared?  Because we’re scared?  Are…are we right to be scared by this?

OH FUCK RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!