“Wait, it’s been over a year since we wrote about The Mountain? Shit, get on it, gentlemen!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
We normally start off these columns saying, “By now, you probably know our relationship with The Mountain” but, in all actuality, we’ve sort of let things slip a bit in the AFFotD offices. Normally, two, three, fuck it, four times a year, we’d see that The Mountain had a new Big Face line of shirts, or a Holiday series, and just talk about the glorious insanity that are the shirt designs made by the company that brought you a lot of funny amazon.com user reviews. Sometimes, the head of the company (no seriously) would even check in to either snark at us or joke along with us in response to our articles. Is this what being famous is like? Probably not! But either way, we always tried to check in with our pals at The Mountain to see what new brands of insanity they wanted to cover people’s man boobs with.
We weren’t particularly great about that in 2014, which is why when we went to The Mountain to see what’s up, we were greeted with a whole slew of T-shirts we hadn’t seen before. So, naturally, it was time for us to pick out some of the more meth-is-a-helluva-drug ones and let you know about them. Get ready, folks, these get a little weird.
The 2014 T-Shirt Line From The Mountain (Retrospectively)
Sigh. This is a “Rabbat.” We’re already off to an auspicious start. Apparently in the time we’ve been away, The Mountain has decided that animal hybrid puns are the way to go. This is both creepy and groan-worthy, which might be the kind of thing you want to wear on your chest, but definitely is the kind of thing that you’d file under “negative stereotypes you’d attribute to someone who uses a rescue inhaler.” Though really, for people who are wondering what it’s like to be on Salvia, well, hey, here you go. Rabbat.
No, seriously, the animal-pun-hybrid genre was huge last year. And they just get worse and worse. Like, here’s a Kangarooster.
And, oh come on, a bullfrog? That’s not even a pun, that’s just the name of the thing, that you horrifically bastardized as a joke and…
OH GOD! NO NO NO, GET THE BABY TARANGATAN OUT OF HERE! BURN THESE! SET IT ALL ON FIRE!
OH THAT’S COOL NO IT’S JUST A PICTURE THAT’S PART DEER AND PART SPIDER IT’S A SPIDEER WE GET IT THAT’S A VERY GOOD ANIMAL PUN THE MOUNTAIN NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE US WE’RE GOING TO JUST GO OVER HERE AND NOT EVER STOP SCREAMING EVER AGAIN OKAY COOL THANKS BUY.
*douses self in fire, never stops burning*
Well, um, at least it’s not another fucking spider? Um. So apparently there’s a band called Fartbarf. And, um, apparently The Mountain decided to make a version of their “three wolves howling at the moon shirt” to make. So they made a Fartbarf howling at the moon shirt and it’s named… Well, you probably figured that out. Like, as a hint, it’s technically a pun, but sort of isn’t? Like, you probably don’t need us to tell you what it’s called. (It’s called barf at the moon).
Okay, we’ve gotten back to the “just weird” and away from the “legitimately terrifying.” I think this is a safe place to continue.
Well, okay, let’s just do one more of…
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! GET OUT OF HERE WOLFLY, NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE! THIS ONE DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE! JESUS!
Oh cool, the perfect shirt for the man who thought that Johnny Depp’s portrayal of the Mad Hatter wasn’t quite creepy enough. They have a series of Alice in Wonderland shirts, actually, and exactly zero of them are not coked out nightmare fuel. This is pretty much the most succinct explanation for why the worst thing you could do to someone is give them a sheet of acid, lock them in a closest that’s filled only with shirts from The Mountain. No, even worse, trap them in a closet filled just with this shirt. What would you do if you were staring at this shirt in a cramped, dimly lit room, and saw it start to talk to you? If your answer is anything besides “punch the walls until your fists bleed desperate to escape” well you’re just lying to yourself.
“Alright, pitch time. I’m so excited working for the BEST COMPANY IN THE WORLD! WOOO! MOUNTAIN! YEAH! MAKING SHIRTS AND SHIT! Alright, like, like, like like like like like, whaaaaat if we took like Miami Vice only we put cat faces on them like yeah like real 80’s and real cats and we call them Undercover Kittens and MAN I am on FIRE TODAY WOOOOO! YEAH! MAN! This is some good shit, hey but just a quick question, like, if I lose feeling to my face, should I like call a hospital or should I just sort of hold off on the coke for a few minutes and see if it comes back MAN I am so excited to wear this fucking shirt. Let’s do push-ups!”
Unrelated, but if you want to really get the most out of that joke, please read it again, only this time, imagine it’s being said by Tom Cruise. You won’t be disappointed.
When we combine cool things to make awesome things, usually there’s a general logic that makes sense behind it. If you think about what peanut butter tastes like, and what bananas take like, the thought of putting these two different things between a slice of bread actually makes sense. When you think about sharks, and think about tornados, well, no, Sharkados are stupid, but in the best way possible. But this shirt here is three different things that three completely different kinds of kids and/or people with more empty Domino’s boxes in their apartment than clean pairs of underwear would want to buy. There’s a space shirt (“space is cool!” says everyone worth a fucking damn). There’s an…octopus shirt (“Oh! It’s…an octopus! No, like, it’s fine. I’ll play with it, thanks mom!”). And finally it’s a cowboy shirt (“Yee haw”? Does that sound right?). Each of these things, yes, probably have very large fan bases.
But where the fuck is the kid who is into space cowboys wrangling octopuses (octapii? Doc Ocs?)? Like, where is that kid, and come straight with us—did you take some boomers out of our stash and force feed ‘em to the poor little guy? Seriously? And how much did you give him, because that shit’s dried so anything more than one and he’s probably going to go apeshit. For fuck’s sake, if you’re going to rub us of our shrooms don’t feed them to kids and make them hallucinate space octopus cowboys for your shirt ideas, that’s just irresponsible on so many levels, we’re kind of concerned that we’d have to actually verbalize this to you.
Okay well that is just adorable.
You can almost see the bingo balls with buzz items The Mountain wants to put on shirts bouncing around when they make these designs. “Alright, with tonight’s The Mountain Lottery, our first lucky topic is…kittens! And our second…zombies! Alright, congratulations zombie cat, you’ll be our next shirt!”
The Mountain really became The Mountain to us when they started their Big Face Animal series. None of this pun shit, none of this mix and match crap, just giant faces of animals looking at you. And in the case of this frog, looking weirdly like he wants to fuck you.
Yo, back off Big Frog. Stop looking at us like that. Put that tongue away. Stop it.
Oh God. Well, that was thrilling and terrifying. Everything we’d expect from the fine folks at The Mountain. Play us out, patriotic kitten.