“Fortune Magazine. Fortune. Fucking. Magazine.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Over the past two July Fourths, AFFotD has noticed that Fortune has posted lists of “100 Great Things About America.” While we’re not initially going to question why a financial blog affiliate of CNN would want to tell us great things about America, when we saw the items they chose to point out, and the rankings given to them, our staff collectively got what is colloquially referred to as a “Rage Boner.”
This year’s list was no different. While there were more implied references to, say, boobs, there were also…ugh, nature. And science. It makes us, just, so angry you guys. So once again, it’s time to tear into the so-called “American experts” at Fortune, who should really stop embarrassing themselves and just outsource the article to us every year.
“99. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Putting Little Faith in the American Imagination Since 1964”
“98. The GIF. Because America was built on Pictures of cats.”
This kind of shit is the reason why we can’t take you seriously, Fortune. So for your second item on this list, you choose the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Literally one of the most American things. Just, such a great thing. And yet, in Fortune’s mind, 98 things in America are better…including GIFS OF CATS. Are you shitting us, Fortune magazine? We can only hope that this is some sort of sick test that’s being administered by a sinister, secret sect of eugenics proponents who will swoop in and sterilize every American who looks at this list and goes, “Yeah, GIFS are way better than tits!” This isn’t even us being sexist. Ladies, grab your chest right now. Don’t worry, we’ve got our backs turned, we won’t watch. Okay, done? That was pretty fun, right? Way better than a fucking poptart cat shitting a rainbow, wasn’t it? Case and point.
“94. Appalachian Trail. Untouched since 1832.”
It’s only fair to point out that Fortune did at least list “Happy Hour” (92) higher than “some fucking nature whatever” but we still can’t fathom why one of the great things about America would be used by a piece of nature that we’ve not even gotten to mess with for 180 years. Unless the Appalachian Trail is actually the world’s largest mini-golf course, we want nothing to do with it. Trail implies walking, and no one wants to walk. There’s a reason why we have rascal scooters, and why we invented segways for skinny people to use without feeling self-conscious.
“77. Internet Memes. #100greatthingsaboutAmerica”
Okay, so when did America denigrate to the point that memes evolved from “Oh yeah, some of those captions are funny, I had forgotten about Scumbag Steve” to “The 77th best thing about America”? Is there really someone sitting around pumping their fist in the air and shouting, “Hell yes, America!” while scrolling through a thumbnail gallery of lolcats? And if so, how could they have gone this long without everyone he’s ever met never wanting to stop punching him in the face?
“60. Swanson. Their TV dinners have made stomachs fuller, laps warmer, and both a bit heftier.”
We actually don’t have a problem with this entry. We were just a little disappointed when we saw it, because we assumed they were talking about Ron Swanson.
“50. QWERTY. Our typing standard, dating back to the late 19th century. We don’t know why, either.”
THEN WHY IS IT ON THE FUCKING LIST, HUH FORTUNE!? How could you be straining so hard to find great things in America that, by number 50, you’re already stuck going, “I don’t know. Uh. Fucking keyboards, right? That was invented in America, right?” And yes, the QWERTY method was invented in Milwaukee, which makes it American, but it’s also one of the more ineffective keyboard layouts. And also, it’s a fucking keyboard. That’s like saying America is great because of soap. There’s literally nothing more boring.
“25. The DynaTAC ‘brick’. Before everyone had a smartphone, you were a baller if you carried one of these beasts. Imagine toting a cordless phone everywhere, and you get the idea.”
Seriously, Fortune? Okay, we stand corrected, this might actually be more boring. If you’re going to pick an American relic from the 1980’s, how about indiscriminately using coke without thinking it was bad for you? How about fax machines? How about literally anything else? Putting the “brick” on this list is like putting black-and-white TV sets on the list with the caption of “Amos and Andy is the best show ever!” There are no words for the contempt we are feeling for you at this very moment.
“12: Tupac’s hologram. Post-mortem albums are for amateurs. Post-mortem performances, now that’s the stuff of legends.”
Listen, America was founded on healthy skepticism, and by that, we mean witch burnings. And whoever decided to turn a dead iconic rapper into a hologram so he can perform live concerts while being dead for 26 years is clearly a witch, ergo, is not American. This whole thing is just unsettling. Let’s move on.
“10. Smokey Bear. The United States Forest Service’s iconic mascot has taught kids about fire safety for seven decades.”
All together now, everybody. Fuck. Nature. Why the hell would we want to celebrate this war criminal, Smokey the Bear, who has spent 70 years trying to stop us from burning down all the damn trees in this country, as is our God-given right!? Do you know how many bears we had to kill in the wild until we realized that he wasn’t an actual tangible bear, but just a cartoon? So many. Granted, the bear murder doesn’t bother us, but it just took forever. We could have used that time for drinking, dammit!
“1. Resilience. America’s Natural treasure: we take our lumps, from economy to security, but we always bounce back.”
Okay, listen, we’ll be the first to say that America is a resilient people, but anytime you use an adjective other than “Freedom” to describe the best thing about us, you’re doing it wrong. Saying the best thing about America is resilience is like saying the best thing about pornography is squirrels. You don’t want to meet the person who actually thinks that, because they will end up chopping you up into pieces and storing you in a lumber shed.
Show us the bodies, Fortune. We know your sins.