“I don’t understand the question, doctor.”
~What’s not to understand!? How often do you exercise a week!?
With obesity on the rise, causing millions of early deaths and costing billions in extra heath care costs, many Americans are making a stance and saying “enough is enough.” They want to encourage good eating habits, urge their fellow Americans to exercise, and generally make a concerted effort to ensure that all of us live richer, happier, healthier lives.
The fuck is wrong with these people?
We at AFFotD are here to make an unequivocal stance against this protein-drink fueled do-good-ery. Listen, if God wanted us to live past the age of 65, he would have made pomegranate juice naturally alcoholic, and would have filled pigs with blood thinners and vitamin B12. That’s not the way the things we’re supposed to love were made, so why fight it? Every time you show us a woman pushing 90 as a lifelong vegetarian, we’ll show you a complicated chart that proves that in “American years” she has only lived 5 years, while Jack Kerouac was the oldest American of all time by fitting 150 years of drinking into the amount of time it took the Earth to go around the sun 47 times.
“Listen buddy, I fucked a lot of booze in my time…wait…I drank a lot of women…uh…fuck it, let’s just go driving, guys.”
One of the more pervasive ways that Americans are trying to get their sinful exercise in is to center it around their work day. While we understand their mindsets here—sweating during the day, we could only assume, would make drinking during the night more enjoyable—we’ll have to rail against it, we shed a tear for every calorie that is not burned getting your liver to process alcohol in your body. That is why…
AFFotD Declares War Against Fit Offices
Ever since studies came out with alarmist titles like “Sitting for 8 Hours: Worse than smoking?,” “Is your office killing you?” and the most alarmist of all, “SHIT, the boss is right behind you, Alt-Tab that fucker!” many offices have taken steps to promote a healthy lifestyle for their employees (when, if they actually cared they’d just toss up their hands and offer a keg in the office every day and an all-you-can-eat bacon buffet). We’re here to address, and eviscerate, two of the main methods offices try to promote health among their ranks without even pretending to mix it with some booze. We’ll start off with the normal method, and then go into the “Um, wait, people really do this?” method.
The Normal Method That Offices Encourage Exercise: A Gym, In The Office!
You assholes. Many find the work-a-day pace of their jobs exhausting, and by the time they get home they’ve lost all motivation to do anything besides chug a 40 while pointing to their mouth while saying, “put food here” before forgetting that they don’t have a wife, and the dog still refuses to learn how to microwave those Marie Callender’s frozen meals that are always on sale at the grocery store. And God forbid if you try to get him to grind some pepper on the Fettuccine Alfredo one before you eat it. What the fuck, Rover, what the hell were those dog training lessons good for?
Anyway, some offices have decided to save you the effort of “walking” to a “gym” and “paying for membership” so “sweaty assholes can yell at you because you forget to wipe down the machine one time, one fucking time, Jeez.” And while many of you are saying, “That’d be incredibly convenient! I can get in shape while I’m still feeling somewhat motivated, and then I can just hop in the shower when I get home,” we would respond that the true American goal shape should be round. Obviously. Round, you guys.
We won’t tell you HOW to get in shape, but let’s just say it involves chocolate and pasta smoothies
And while, yes, this might sound appealing for those who like to exert themselves, we have this to offer—wouldn’t you be much happier exerting yourself to that degree, but replacing dumbbells with Bells beer? Why take Spin when you can eat chicken skin? Why jog when you can do literally anything other than jogging? You realize that being able to walk distances upright is an evolutionary crutch that America defeated when we invented the Rascal Scooter, right?
Office gyms are, of course, a business perk that are considered “fairly normal” by non-AFFotD offices (when our office space came with a preexisting gym, we melted down all the material to make a bourbon sill), the following entry is legitimately strange.
The “Um, Wait, People Actually Do This?” Method That Offices Encourage Exercise: Treadmill Desks
While these are largely seen in home offices, they are becoming increasingly common in certain offices that want to have their employees walking around (at what we’d assume to be a fairly slow pace) all day while they work. It’s essentially, a desk placed at a standing height above a treadmill. So that, you know, you can walk while you type. Now, readers who are more “athletic” or “active” or “have spent this entire article shouting ‘FUCK YOU THIS IS THE MOST IGNORANT PIECE OF TRASH I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE’ at the computer screen” might see such an office accessory and think, “Wow, that would be an incredible way to burn calories all day long!”
We see this product, and without even going “Uh, why are you trying to burn calories” we can ruin it for you by pointing out one thing. Do you realize how loud treadmills are? Can you imagine how much you would hate your life if nothing you heard eight hours a day was “THUMP-PA-THUMP-PA”? For you home office users, this seems like the easiest way to play the game “who will go insane first, you or your downstairs neighbors?” And for the offices using them, two months of whirling treadmill noise should be enough to encourage your staff to go out into the woods and hunt each other down like it’s the freaking Hunger Games.
What we’re trying to say is that exercise makes you insane, and booze can bring you down. It’s as simple as that.
So, “athletic” offices of America, hear our plea. Abandon this cruel charade. Take that walking desk money and invest it in something your workers will truly appreciate. Like a margarita machine, or…actually, yeah, just do a margarita machine. Trust us, productivity will go through the sloppy drunk roof.