“You’re crazy, China. You, you’re crazy.”
~AFFotD tranquilizer expert, Will Ferrell
Most people criticize American television, which is fair. Once American television producers figured out that you could save money by sticking someone on an island, or asking who knows how to sing, or finding the right combination of failed models with daddy issues willing to have sex with a near-stranger in a hot tub, it became that much harder to survive as a well-written work of entertainment, leaving us watching fat Americans try to lose weight for reasons we can’t quite comprehend.
But as much as you might want to complain about the state of American television, just take solace in knowing that we are still far better than China, because we don’t have 40 million people viewing in to watch people being interviewed right before the government kills them.
Seriously, what the fuck, China?
China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show
China tapped Ding Yu, a young, slender journalist, to interview various death row inmates about their crimes, sometimes just hours before they are going to be led away to their execution. Called Interviews Before Execution, because subtlety apparently is a Western concept, it’s easily the first reality television show that no one, not even Tila Tequila, would volunteer to be on.
Let’s just take a step back and marvel at the pure insanity on display here. Yes, we’re the country that invented the same internet which millions of people used to post that video of Gadhafi getting stabbed in the ass, but even our staff members are amazed at how freakishly exploitative this show is. Seriously, here’s a shot from the show’s title sequence.
They originally wanted to just go with the title of “Uneasy Reminders Of Your Own Fragile Mortality” but they thought it was a bit too cumbersome.
More people watch this show than any American TV show that doesn’t end in “Super Bowl” or “series finale of M*A*S*H*” and that is both depressing (40 million people!?) and terrifying (holy shit, they’re increasing their military spending!?).
Again, to recap, China decided to take a 85 pound woman, dress her up in a nice suit, and have her interview shackled prisoners about murders they committed as they’re about to be sent to their deaths. This is popular. We can’t stress this enough. Just know, America, this is our future enemy. This is the country that is totally going to Red Dawn all over us, and they take solace in watching the tears of the condemned. Because we don’t want to dwell on this concept longer than we have to, we have compiled a list of alternate Chinese reality TV shows that we’d rather have exist.
The Amazing Organ Race!
The pitch: Five two-person teams from all over the nation have to find the quickest route to get from Hangzhou on the Eastern Coast all the way to Kashi. They’ll have to brave deserts, mountain ranges and foreign locations, with only each other to count on. They must go on this perilous journey with only a 2,000 yuan, a pocket knife, a bottle of ether and, of course, their highly trained team of black market organ harvesters. As you get to see all the majestic landscapes of China, each team has to collect one of each organ and store it on ice so the producers can sell it to Kazakhstani doctors as you complete your race. Yes, teams might have to sell a heart to scrape together enough cash to get you on your next leg of the journey, but they can always stock up when they get to visit the camp of dissidents that attempt to circumvent the government’s censorship of the internet.
The pitch: While normally the government would be loath to copy a program from a Western source, China won’t bother with running a Bachelor. Also, there will be hundreds of potential suitors vying for the Bachelorette’s heart, since China ranks 205th in the world with 94 women for every 100 men. If you do not find a wife you will shame your family! After the Bachelorette chooses, her decision will be disregarded by the show’s producers, and the government will select the winner based on who has the strongest genetic code. In the finale, a child is conceived under the watchful eyes of China’s finest scientists. In nine months, the child will be born, and in a few years, assuming the child is pretty enough, we will teach her to pretend to sing the National Anthem during large international events.
Who Wants To Be A Citizen Who Gives The Correct, Acceptable Answer To Trivia Questions And Does Not Have To Be Taken Away From Their Families In The Middle Of The Night!?
The pitch: What is Tiananmen Square? Why, a large city square in Beijing where nothing of importance has occurred. Was the Cultural Revoluation A- Good, B- Glorious, C- Essential or D- All of the above? With all these helpful questions you can once and for all show the government that you know exactly what you are supposed to know. Which is the truth, of course. Wink.
So yeah, basically, any or all of these, we’ll take over the Execution show. Because…ugh. China, you’re creepy.