“My only regret about The Nightmare Before Christmas is all the annoying Goth kids who took a shining to it.”
Ah, yes, Halloween creeps closer still, to the point that many of you are reading this in a spooky voice. Perhaps George Takei? You did not imagine George Takei as, indeed, the greatest choice to narrate a Halloween post until this very day. Which is why today’s post, about the history of Halloween, will be written entirely by Mr. Takei, renowned thespian and owner of the best voice possessed by any homosexual male.
So now, here is…
George Takei of AFFotD Discusses Halloween
Greetings, I am George Takei. For those of who secretly doubted that AFFotD had homosexuals on their staff, let me assure you, not only are my American credentials quite extensive, having been born in America while going on to take my deep, sensual voice to become an integral part of the Star Trek crew. I also have had a long-standing role on the Howard Stern Show, in case any of you had doubts about my ability to match the crassness inherent on this fucking website.
I also was one of the earlier actors to come out as a homosexual. That has nothing to do with what I will talk to you about today, but apparently people think this is relevant for whatever bullshit reason.
Anyway. This. Is Halloween.
Get that fucking thing out of my face.
Halloween has existed in one form or the other for many years. The term “Halloween” first came to existence as a in the 16th century as a Scottish variant of “All-Hallows-Even (Evening)” that was celebrated at the time. Of course this holiday, which was celebrated by Christians, has morphed over time to become a sort of celebration of the occult, even if the celebration is less sincere and more of an excuse to get inebriated.
Of course, since it has joined the collective American mindset, it has morphed into an American establishment. You’ve previously seen the manner in which Americans will dress up for this holiday, but I am here to discuss Halloween’s importance in America for various reasons.
Trick-or-Treating is a delightful occasion where children dress as monsters, invade the privacy of a neighborhood, and threaten homeowners until they are given candy. Fun fact, every child that dresses as Sulu will end the day with their weight in candy. Sulu is the best possible costume ever existed (other than going as George Takei).
Bobbing for Apples
Bobbing for apples is pretty common when you are a child, then very uncommon when you are a young adult, and then it becomes more common when you reach middle age. While it features fruit, which some people insist is “healthy” it does have a great subtext to it. That subtext? Every time you attempt to eat a piece of fruit, there is a very real risk that you will die by drowning. I couldn’t find any statistics informing me of the number of apple bobbing deaths that occur every year but I think one million seems like a conservative estimate.
While not as infamous as April Fool’s Day as a source of prankish merriment, Halloween still will allow you opportunities to make others seem quite the fool. While many people limit their pranks to egging or smashing pumpkins, I for one never was particularly fond of their music.
Halloween is primarily an occasion to have parties. Elaborate costumes and decorations are all welcome and recommended, but ultimately it’s just an excuse to get rip-roaring drunk.
And honestly, that’s all that matters with Halloween. Candy is nice, costumes are fun, but to just let loose with all the vice you have at your disposal? Ah yes, this is why America loves this holiday.