“I’ll do it later.”
America used to be a land of hard work and enterprise. In the matter of a generation we went from dirt roads to bustling highways. The Empire States Building was built in only 410 days for less money (adjusted for inflation) than the projected costs for a renovation project it is currently undergoing (sure, 5 people died during the construction, but they were probably immigrants). The point being, back in the day, America was all about working their asses off to earn a living.
In actuality, America is a lot like two of our favorite actors- Marlon Brando and Orson Wells. What do they have in common? Well, they started off as bright, hard working thespians…before deciding, “eh fuck it” and shoveling everything they could into their face. America is exactly like that. We as a nation worked our ass off so that we could waste as much time as possible on our employer’s dime. If you had someone working 80 hour weeks for minimum wage, we’d just chalk that up to their illegal immigrant status and try to find a job that lets you get drunk on your lunch hour. Which is why we’re here to present a guide to a truly American art form, one that we refine and improve upon each internet-aided year. We humbly present you with…
AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination (if we feel like finishing it)
In America, there are two types of jobs. There are jobs where you can sit behind a desk and procrastinate, and there are jobs where you have to be on your feet so you join a Union that threatens to go on strike if your employer doesn’t give you ample opportunities to procrastinate. For each area, there are important techniques to learn how to not work, and how to also enjoy your time not working. Because, as fun as it is not to work, it’s sort of pointless if you just spend that free time staring at a wall.
Are you going to want to waste time at work? Yes. Even if you’re not purposely trying to procrastinate, you will be reading page-a-day calendars, sending text messages, performing various sex acts in on top of various copiers and printers. The key is to focus that procrastination to let you enjoy your time as an American worker.
Now, Americans work more efficiently then their damned-dirty-French counterparts, and procrastination is one of the reasons why. No, seriously, studies show that aimlessly surfing the internet during work increases the effectiveness of your work. Seriously. But many bosses are stuck in a pre-internet, pre-smart phone era and don’t want to see you, say, checking facebook or sending hundreds of emails during the course of the work day making fun of fat people and giving fellow workers working with you in the government’s anti-discrimination department offensive, discriminatory nicknames. But procrastination is a way of life, and we’re here to give you some helpful tips, no matter what your line of work.
How to procrastinate at a desk job
This is oh so easy, but can be difficult. A lot of it depends on your employer. While every employer in America will allow, and in fact prefers, their employees to read AFFotD, for all other website it can vary from office to office. There are three primary types of offices, and three ways to procrastinate there and keep yourself feeling fresh and not mind-numbingly bored out of your skulls.
1. The job that doesn’t frown on occasional personal internet use, and instead just prefers that you get work done when requested.
Congratulations, you’re working at a job that allows you to feel content and comfortable at work without micromanaging your working habits to death. You’re among the lucky few. For those of you reading this article at a job where you constantly have to be working, well…we don’t know what to tell you, because we’re not from the 1950’s when they knew how to get shit done. But for the rest of you working a job without harshly worded bylaws about internet usage, well, it goes without saying that you’re going to use the internet to procrastinate. Go to AFFotD. Read articles elsewhere. Read articles on AFFotD. The world is your oyster, and you’re ready to…read it to slowly become more informed about current and past events while painfully counting down the clock until 5.
That said, use some common sense. Don’t go to NSFW links, and don’t go to sites that, if your boss were to happen buy, might lead to an exasperated, “WHAT THE FUCK!?” emanating from behind you. Porn’s a no-go (sorry fellas). Ditto goes to transcriptions of erotically charged romance novels (sorry ladies). If it’s something that would make you raise your eyebrow and go “hmm” if you saw it on a coworker’s computer, then we’d recommend…not watching that.
Also, don’t watch that youtube video where the baby panda sneezes because, god fucking dammit, we’re so sick of that fucking panda.
Or this guy. Don’t you dare watch this fucking guy.
2. The job that sets up internet filters that don’t let you go to certain websites.
If you’re working at this type of office, maybe you should try to get out of China! Ha ha! No, but seriously, if you’re in China, get out of here. We’re amazed the censors haven’t found you accessing this site yet. But for those of you working in America, the situation isn’t as dire as it sounds. You’ll just need to get inventive. Most filters will just block sites that swear (oh, hi there) or maybe make sexual references within their articles (how are you, filters?) but some bosses might not wanting you to access sites such as CNN, ESPN, or social networking sites.
If that’s the case, use google and discover other places that have articles. Many bosses might think to block ESPN, but totally forget about Sports Illustrated. Think outside the box. Make mental note of what sites you can visit and what you can’t, and once you know where you can go for your procrastination breaks, you’re golden.
Fair warning, your “Furries” message board…well, it’s probably not even worth trying to see if it’ll slip past your filter. Just let it go, man. Let it go.
3. The job that monitors your internet and email traffic
First of all, it looks like you managed to work for a boss who really enjoys how the book 1984 ends. We’re not saying your boss is kind of a prick, but we’re definitely not discounting that very real possibility. Well, this is where you will have to get really inventive. Plausible deniability is the name of the game. You’re not allowed to check any websites for personal use, ever? And you’re not allowed to check your personal email? Well, in that case, the night before work, go to all the sites that you want to read from the previous day, and copy/paste them into an email (preferably from an account that has a different name than yours. May we recommend “Screw DaMan”) and email it to your work address.
You’ll have this lengthy document to peruse throughout the work day, and if your boss asks you why you are getting so many emails from this “Screw DaMan” guy, feign ignorance. Say you’ve assumed it was spam, but it keeps getting through. Send “Screw DaMan” an email telling him you no longer wish to be on his email list. Create a different fake account and send through that. Either way, there’s no way to know definitively if you were reading the articles in the email. You’re the recipient, and you’re only passively involved. So suck it.
Or, you know, you can just take naps on the shitter.
But of course, not all of you are office workers. Some of you have to perform “manual labor” and “be on your feet all day.” Don’t worry, there’s help for you too!
How to procrastinate while doing a blue collar job
First of all, to those of you in the service industry, we’re sorry we can’t help you much here. From cashiers to waiters, you’re probably just best off taking up smoking so you can take five minute breaks throughout the day. Again, sorry we can’t be of any more help. And this also doesn’t really apply to those of you lucky enough to be in a Union. If you’re in a Union, there are already plenty of rules specifically written in there to stop you from working too hard. You’re already a master in procrastination, there’s nothing more for us to teach you.
But for you manual labor types who are not working in the union, there are ways to get around working. You won’t be using internet too much, unless you want to absolutely decimate your smart phones’ batteries, but you can fill the time with a radio (or small boom box) and naps. Avoid working the same jobs as your supervisors. Find isolated areas of places that you are working on. But, the most important thing for procrastinating on the job, make sure to get just enough work done, but not too much. If you get a lot of work done in a day, suddenly it’s known how much work you can do if you put your mind to it. But if you do too little, then you’ll get replaced by someone who works “more efficiently.”
It’s a delicate line to balance, and it takes years to really master. But we can lay down how you can train yourself to procrastinate on the job in just a few dozen simple but intricate steps…
Or you know what? We’ll let you figure it out on your own. Shouldn’t be too tough, just trial and error. Now it’s time for us to take a nap.