AFFotD’s Guide on What Beers You Want to Drink

“Seriously, I am in no way related to the pop singer.”

~Michael Jackson (the beer one)


If there’s one thing that Amy Winehouse taught us, it’s that the moment you stop drinking, you die.  And it should come as little surprise that beer, one of the most American forms of alcohol this side of bourbon, is a highly effective way to get that life-giving alcohol straight into your blood stream.  The carbonation, apart from making beer delicious, affects your stomach lining, which allows alcohol to be absorbed into your bloodstream that much faster.  It’s about one of the only things we agree with science about.

And while many Americans’ knowledge of beer consists of “give it to me until the shaking stops, goddamn it,” American craft beer is currently the fastest growing alcohol product in the nation.  It’s not even close.  Many Americans are growing tired of companies like Budweiser and Miller which, despite being cheap, also tend to taste like someone used urine instead of hops, and tend to have depressingly low alcohol levels.  That’s why Microbrews stepped in to offer beers that are both better tasting, and much more alcoholic.  Because if you want to have a beer that’s 20% alcohol per volume, who the hell are we to deny you that glory?

We’ll even give craft brewers who are insufferable narcissists their own fucking TV show

So as you go to more beer bars that will describe each beer’s unique flavor and preparation method with more complexity than a wine menu, we here at AFFotD are here to help you cut through the bullshit and let you know what you want to drink, no matter what your comfort level is for beer.  So, strap yourselves in and put your drinking shoes on, because we now present you…

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Guide on What Beers You Want to Drink

There really is no right or wrong beer to drink, just a right or wrong way to drink it.  If you’re paying 12 bucks for a six pack of beer, you want to pour those bottles into a glass to appreciate the beer’s full, rich flavor.  If you’re getting a Coors’ Light, you’re going to want to grab a key and maybe some Band-Aids because ever since they put those fucking cold-activated mountains on the cans those fuckers tend to gash your hand pretty bad when you shotgun them.

If you’re drinking Miller Lite to get smashed, and have a really unfortunate headache the next day, by all means we’re not here to get in the way.  But, as the quality of available beer brands has evolved from “Beer me” to “What food are you eating this with,” you’re often going to find yourself with a series of confusing beer descriptions that you can’t make sense out of without our help.

For a bar to be successful, they now have to have good beers available.  Much like a fine restaurant has a wine list, a good beer bar has a beer list, and won’t just guide you blindly into a drunken stupor.  This can be daunting, as these beer menus tend to be fairly complex, like the example below.

If you read through that entire menu with a Bud Light in your hand, you will literally go blind for three full days.

So, for each type of beer drinker, we’re going to tell you what you should look for, and what you should avoid entirely, when you’re selecting your high quality (read as: high alcohol) beer.

THE BEER SNOB:  BELGIUM BEER GUY


1.       Sample Ideal Beer Description

A true Trappist ale, this Belgium Quad has a dark color and a rich, complex taste.  Strong notes of plum, raisin, and black currant, this beer goes down with a rich smoothness that masks it’s 11.5% ABV.

2.       Phrases that matter most, and definitions

“Trappist”= Brewed by monks.  While it seems counterintuitive to have religious figures who have never had sex make the very same beverage you’re going to depend on to trick someone into settling for you in a dimly lit bar, beers brewed in Monasteries tends to have the highest quality ingrediants, and the best brewing practices.

“Quad”= Quadruple Fermented beer.  While there are many separate types of Belgium beers, the Trappist mainstays are “Dubbel” (or “Double” which is a strong brown ale) “Tripel” (A strong pale ale) and, of course, Quad (short for quadruple) which is the strongest, and usually best, Belgium beer.  Other Belgium styles include “witbeer” and “Belgium Golden Ale”.

“11.5% ABV”= with 11.5% alcohol, this will get you fucked up more than twice as fast as drinking a standard beer.  Game on.

3.       Beers to avoid

Anything “light” or “lite.”  If you’ve seen a commercial for it on TV, you’re not going to like it.  If Red Stripe is the best beer at a party, you’re going to complain about it.  Stick with any beer that’s above 8% ABV, and you should be happy.

THE BEER SNOB:  LOCAL MICROBREW GUY/”Green” Guy


1.       Sample Ideal Beer Description

Brewed four blocks away from an abandoned toy factory that is now a zero-waste brewery/tilapia farm, this beer mixes golding and cascade hops, along with fresh hops grown on the side of the building. Light tasting, perfect for a summer day at the co-op, 4.9% ABV

2.       Phrases that matter most, and definitions

“Four blocks away”= “Oh, it’s like I’m supporting the environment, because there’s no excessive transportation costs.”

“Zero-Waste Brewery”= Ugh.  We’re done with you, hippies.

“4.9% ABV”=  No, seriously, we’re done with you, hippies.

3.       Beers to avoid

WE SAID WE’RE DONE WITH YOU, HIPPIES!

GIRLS THAT LIKE BEER

 

1.       Sample Ideal Beer Description

With a sunny, golden color, this beer is light on the hops, but adds a soft spicy tone that makes this beer taste smooth and refreshing, with notes of clover and honey.  ABV 8.4%

2.       Phrases that matter most, and definitions

“Light on the hops”=  This is probably sexist, but much like the UFC, women don’t like hops in their beers nearly as much as men.  While we could have called this category “Girls that like beer, or guys that don’t like hops”…eh.  Deal with it.  Anyway, Hops are what add that bitter flavor to beers.  If you like hops, you want a high IBU (International Bittering Units) in your beer, and that beer will mention IBU.  If you don’t like hops, you want nothing to do with those damn grapefruity bastards.  Either way, if the beer doesn’t mention hops, assume you’re in the clear.

“Clover and honey”= this beer is going to be light, and go down easy, but…

“8.5% ABV”=  It’ll get you drunk.  You’re welcome.

3.       Beers to Avoid

Still try to avoid shitty beer because, you know, shitty.  But if it says “IPA” or mentions “IBU” or really has any three-letter acronym that starts with I, you may want to avoid it.  Additionally, there’s really only a 50/50 chance you’re going to like the beers that Belgium Beer Guy likes, but it’s a 0% chance that you’re going to like what Local Microbrew guy likes, because the only local beers that usually get popular tend to be IPAs, so it’s best to avoid those entirely.

PEOPLE WHO DRINK SHITTY BEER


1.       Sample Ideal Beer Description

Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah, blah, and blah blah blah.  ABV some-big-ass-number%

2.       Phrases that matter the most, and definitions

It doesn’t fucking matter, it really doesn’t, just buy the one that comes in the biggest glass with the highest alcohol percentage and you’ll be fine.

3.       Beers to Avoid

Man, fuck you, you’ll drink whatever, we don’t care about your opinion.

“I am in flavor country.”

So there you have it, hopefully that should help most of you navigate the tricky area that is a beer menu.  And if you end up with a beer you think tastes like shit…well shut the hell up about it, it’s still got booze so you’re going to drink it and fucking like it, you got it?

Good.  That’s better.  Bottoms up.

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