“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity. Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter? We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time. We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome. But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline. Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America. Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.
Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals? How does that make sense?
So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point. The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball. We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.
Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are? Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog. “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog? There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.” We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation. But you should know what this blog is called.
Aww HELL no! We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass. The gloves are off. This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.
After going with the classy “shadowed font that straddles straight hand and cursive” decision for his blood-curdling title, the Admin for this site, who we’re going to call Sackless McGee, decided to show a series of random government images that read like a list of words your Schizophrenic uncle would start shouting during the hospital admittance process. “Donkey Obama, CAPITAL SUPREME COURT, money elephant!”
Usually when we hear the word “doomed” we think of things like “Starquakes” or “Twilight Sequels.” You know, things that inspire panic and fear. All Sackless did here was put together random pictures which, for a left-wing blog, seems confusing. Of the imagery above, there is the Democratic party symbol, the Democratic President, the Capital building which houses a Democratic Senate and a Republican House of Representatives, the Supreme Court, which has 5 Republican appointed justices and 4 Democrat appointed justices, money, which makes the world go round, and the Republican party symbol. This is like an illiterate dyslexic’s attempt to pass a citizenship test.
The site, which already has riled up our blood so much that we’ve depleted 30% of our ample bourbon supplies, does give us the common courtesy of having a section marked as “Warning.”
“People will hate you for believing this blog… The premise of this blog is that America is doomed—doomed—that means there is no hope.”
Hey, fuck you guy! This introduction sounds about as sincere as hungover gynecologist. Saying, “People are going to hate you for believing this blog,” is like saying, “This ramp is too dangerous for your skateboard.” It’s supposed to make the statements that follow sound daring and interesting, but instead we’re treated to a bunch of bullshit about how America is some evil society that only runs on money. Sackless McGee spends a lot of his warning rambling about the evils of money, likely because his parents were killed by a wad of five dollar bills in front of him as a child. Only, instead of turning into some sort of currency-themed Batman, he was terrified of exercise equipment so he started a whiny blog instead.
Much like a homophobe who has never met a gay person outside of casual encounters at the nearest truck stop, Sackless’s knowledge of money comes mainly from grainy VHS propaganda tapes and Ether vapors. In his “Warning” to the general public, he states, “Money has no ultimate value—it is the silly way mankind, particularly American capitalism, has decided to keep score.” Now, we don’t like to use the term retarded, because it tends to rile people up and autistic kids are freakishly strong when angry, but that sentence is fucking retarded.
Soon thereafter, this warning goes from, “Ramblings of a crazy person” to “specifically defensive ramblings. Of a crazy person.” If you meet someone at a bar, and within the first five minutes of conversation they go, “Now, I don’t want you thinking I tie people up in my basement and harvest their skin to make a suit that resembles my mother,” you’re pretty safe in assuming that this guy is Buffalo Bill. A similar unease falls upon the reader who sees Sackless say, “If you believe the thesis of this blog, most people will hate you also. They will cast you in the worst possible light. They will start calling you negative and end up calling you mentally unstable.”
This psychopath is such a downer, it’s amazing he hasn’t set any fires while trying to suck all the happiness out of our lives. That last sentence was clearly meant for comedic effect. This is not: this guy probably starts random conversations with people in coffee shops about the evils of spending three dollars on a latte, and no one, not even his mother, has ever felt love towards him. In some sense, that’s very sad. But on the other hand, that last paragraph wasn’t for comparison sake, we’re pretty sure the creator of this site wants to skin us to make a lady suit.
“America is doomed because I shall doom it.”
Buffalo Bill also decided to put in a section haphazardly called “Journalist.” That can either be samples of other Journalists who share his view point, or it could be him awkwardly trying to justify his opinions by claiming that he is a journalist…
One thing that stands out about this little segment is that Sackless “Buffalo Bill” McGee fucking misspells the word freelance. That is, unless he’s claiming that he is an independent journalist who offers free lances to those who enquire politely. In which case, he would have to justify how his anti-violence stance fits in with his pro-joust policy. Yup, we just took a typo and morphed it into a strained Medieval Times joke. Don’t fuck with America.
“But AFFotD, isn’t it hypocritical for you to call out this guy for poor spelling? I’ve heard birds that have better grammar than some of your articles. I think one time you managed to spell the word ‘there’ five different ways. One of them had a Q. What right do you have to point out this guy’s typo?”
Well to you dear reader, we say, shut the hell up. And we’ll also point out that we’re American dammit. If you see a spelling error, just assume we’re wasted, and think, “Thank you AFFotD for getting drunk before dancing for us. NOW DANCE MONKEY DANCE!”
But guess what? This guy has a blatant error in the first sentence of his unnecessary (and again, defensive) section where he calls himself a journalist. That’s fucking hypocrisy. That’d be like us devoting an entire article to cirrhosis. It would completely discredit us.
There’s a button here called “Parody” which we hope means “This entire site is just a parody, see? America is awesome!” But that’s not the case. Instead it’s a small segment explaining how Sackless McGee sometimes makes parodies “trying to be funny with political humor.” At this point we’d rather watch a Romantic Comedy starring Jeffrey Dahmer than see this Communist windbag try to be funny. He even prefaces with, “These posts are funny to me, but others might not agree.” If only such a warning had been put at the beginning of each print of The Love Guru.
Consider this, America. Someone, somewhere, lost their virginity while this movie was playing in the background. Think about that long and hard, and weep that the Gods have deemed it wise to allow you the capacity to comprehend that fact.
The Parody section, by the way, has three posts…total. Your grandparents are funnier more frequently in a day, depending on the number of their daily bowel movements. Each parody is about as funny as a mosquito bite. While we are shocked, shocked, that a humorless person who thinks that money shouldn’t exist and who created a blog called “America is Doomed” wouldn’t be a natural born comedian, but we didn’t expect it to be this stilted an awkward. Actually, that Love Guru reference was pretty spot on, because Sackless McGee trying to be funny is about as awkward as losing your virginity with The Love Guru in the background.
“WATCH IT! WATCH IT AS A DEFLOWER YOU!” I…I didn’t want this in the background, I wanted this to be special… “YOU ARE SAYING THAT THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF MIKE MYERS IS NOT SPECIAL? THAT THE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN JESSICA ALBA AND THE LOVE GURU IS NOT PALPABLE? Turn over.”
Everything about Sackless McGee’s website angers our blood and dooms our species, right down to the obnoxious “sharing is caring” social media plug in where the I’s are dotted with hearts. This guy is such a dick he needs a Viagra prescription to stand up, and that really pisses us off because if we weren’t so worked up we’d have never written an erection joke that shoddy. Goddamn it.
So consider the gauntlet thrown, Sackless “Buffalo Bill” “America Hater” McGee. This is a blog fight. We are fighting. Give us the best you got, because we’re drunk and have plenty of more inventive ways to point out how hopelessly idiotic you are. We’ll write you a hate sonnet, we don’t care, we do what we want. Your move, asshole.