“Listen here, if you say one more bad thing about us, we will sue your ass to the stone age.”
When we first set up the America Fun Fact of the Day offices, we installed a bell in our mail room. The joke was supposed to be that every time we got a Cease and Desist order, or a letter threatening to sue us, we would ring the bell and everyone would cheer and applaud. We thought it would just be the few occasional nutjobs accusing us of sending messages through microwaves into their heads. Which, granted, we’re totally doing, but we’re pretty sure there’s nothing illegal about it, and it’s American enough that the government totally tested the shit out of that stuff back during the Cold War. But, as it turns out, we say some fairly “controversial” shit, and “piss off a lot of people who have attorneys on retainer.”
Needless to say, that bell developed a Liberty-Bell-like crack in it after our third day of operations. Now we just have a buzzer, and it goes off like, fifteen times a day. It’s the reason why we had to hire a lawyer to the AFFotD ranks, a particularly odious task, since it is next to impossible to find a lawyer who is American enough to qualify for AFFotD staff membership. We begrudgingly settled on Ray Beckerman, who spends most of his time trying to stop the RIAA from suing hardworking Americans from downloading music, which is the most American way to listen to music (well, other than blowing into a half empty whisky jug). He’s used his expertise to help keep AFFotD running, through a combination of savvy settlements, timely court decisions, and a few instances of having Christopher Walken go to the plaintiffs and say creepy, threatening things to them.
“You should. drop. this……………suit”
And in the course of our occasionally “immoral” legal dealings, we have come to a realization about the legal system. Frivolous Lawsuits are one of the more American things we can think of. On one hand, you have the Americans trying to cheat the system to get money they don’t deserve. We can appreciate that. And as the recipient of numerous frivolous lawsuits, we can just insult the hell out of these pieces of shit. See? It lets us look down on our fellow man. How much more American can you get?
So, in the spirit of America, and as an excuse to just eviscerate some assholes as a way to vent about our continuous legal woes, today’s fun fact is…
The Most American Frivolous Lawsuit by Asshole UnAmerican Americans.
All the below cases are real.
o A quick wikipeida search of “Robert L. Brock” shows that Robert Brock was the business man who ran Showbiz Pizza, the competitor to Chuck E. Cheese. That would have been awesome if it was the same guy, but it wasn’t. Robert Lee Brock, who sounds like the Pokemon Civil War General, decided to sue himself for Five Million Dollars, for violating his own civil and religious rights by getting drunk and committing crimes, resulting in a 23 year prison sentence. His hope was that, since he has no income, the state would be responsible for paying the damages. The case was thrown out, but it did lead to many of our writers getting letters in the mail informing them of lawsuits filed against them by their livers for “excessively dangerous working conditions.” If we were the judge on this case, we would question if being drunk really did that much damage, since he came up with this idea while sober, and while he was drunk he at least smart enough to be able to successfully steal enough shit to get busted for Grand Larceny. Robert Lee Brock knows so little about the legal system that every time he drops the soap in the shower, he sues the suds for sexual assault.
o A 57 year old Florida Grandmother went with her 10 year old granddaughter to a Universal Studios Haunted House, and they were so fraught with “extreme fear, distress, and mental anguish” that $15,000 was only reasonable to ask. You know, because the last thing you expect when going into a fucking haunted house is for them to try to SCARE YOU. Holy shit, come on guys, are you serious? The scariest thing about this is the very real possibility that Cleanthi (the fuck kind of name is that?) Peters views every day as opposite day. “Oh, a haunted house! Looks like we’re getting cotton candy, let’s go!” She probably sues condom makers every time she has sex and doesn’t get pregnant. When someone wishes her a happy birthday, she punches them in the face. If she won her case, she would use convert all the money into quarters, and chuck them at car windshields from a highway overpass, because she’d probably assume that’s considered a charitable donation. The fact that Cleanthi Peters has a granddaughter is proof that every once and a while, Darwin has bad aim.
o Holy shit you guys. Jesus. In 2002, Edward Brewer sued a hospital for $2 million, because they did not take adequate security precautions in stopping him from raping someone. Needless to say, this case was thrown out in record time, maybe because the judge was worried if he deliberated too long the Boondock Saints would bust in, grab the fucker, and do that Celtic prayer thing on him. In prison, Edward Brewer’s ass is used by other inmates mainly as a prophylactic. When Edward Brewer was a kid, he once got a huge scoop of ice cream, and was really excited about it, because it was his favorite flavor, and his mom never let him eat ice cream. Like, ever, it was one of maybe the first five times he was allowed to eat ice cream in his whole life. And right as he was about to take a bite into it, he stumbled on the sidewalk, and the ice cream fell. And he didn’t have money to buy a new scoop. He was so upset, but he is such a terrible person that no one feels sorry for him when they hear that story. They just nod and say, “good for you, motherfucker.”
o In 2005, the RIAA (Royal Idiots, Anti-American) decided to sue Gertrude Walton, and 83 year old grandmother who did not own a computer. Her interests included reminiscing about World War II, hard candies, bingo, and apparently downloading music illegally from beyond the grave, since she died a year before the RIAA decided to sue her. Many take this as a chance to slam the RIAA, so we gotta get our licks in too. If you ever hired the RIAA to be your kids’ babysitter, you’d be sued for trademark infringement when your kids call chicken nuggets “Chicken McNuggets”. The only way an employee of the RIAA can orgasm is if you start reading off a list of people in debt. If an RIAA Agent and Lars Ulrich had a baby, it would be named “Harbinger of Your Doom” and they’d sue the Bible for its slanderous description of the Anti-Christ. The one issue this brings up, though, is…what if they were right? How badass would that be? An elderly ghost downloading music using, like, paranormal Limewire? What would a ghost listen to? Ironically, if we had to guess, it would be Metallica. Just seems appropriate for haunting.
o In 1995, Robert Glaser needed to take a massive piss. Like, you know the kind, where it’s starting to be painful, and you’re almost looking forward to going to the urinal, because it’s just going to be like “ahhhhhhh”? Well, unfortunately for Robert Glaser, he was at a Billy Joel/Elton John concert about ten years too late. Oh, shit, we mean he was at a Billy Joel/Elton John concert that had unisex bathrooms. Much to his shock (and let’s be honest, awe), every one of the bathrooms had women using the urinals. AFFotD needs to take a second to just go, holy shit, that’s kind of impressive. Those women are America goddamn it. They had to go to the bathroom, but they’d be damned if they had to wait for a stall when they could…is that, like, do you like sit in it, or… how does…the physics involved is baffling! While some people might have some weirdly specialized fetish about walking in on something like that, Robert Glaser was no weirdo like that. He liked his milk warm, and his intercourse missionary-style (if at all). So, he decided to sue the venue for $5.4 million for “unreasonable distress” since he had to hold it in for the whole four hours. If we were in that situation, we’d probably saddle up next to one of the women, and give her a high five (assuming she had a free hand, like we said, no idea how the physics of that would play out) because that’s the appropriate American reaction to that shit. While that case was thrown away, there is no word yet on the state of his ongoing lawsuit against www”dot”goldenshowers”dot”com. Oh shit, that came up as a hyperlink. Let’s just…yeah let’s just try to get that link to…not go through. Shit, still…okay, we’ll put in the words “dots”…okay good, crisis averted.
o Wanita Renea Young was just minding her own goddamn business, when all of the sudden, two young 15 year old girls knocked on her door to share some cookies they had made. Young knew that there had to be some ulterior motive- she had suspected that the diabetes brigade (it’s real, but pretty underground, so don’t google it) was finally out to get her, and stop her from her low glutten diet. So, like any person with good sense, she had an anxiety attack and started flopping on the floor like a goddamn epilepsy patient watching Japanese anime. And then she sued the shit out of the kids, who no doubt had laced their cookies with a taste of “Freedom” and “Charity.” And the bitch fucking won, about $900 to cover her medical expenses. Freaking out over cookies is so UnAmerican, she’s currently living with the CWPAE (Canadian Witness Protection Agency, Eh?) out of fear that Uncle Sam is going to hunt her the fuck down.
o Three hot chicks with vaguely Eastern European Names that have start with like “Y” and “P” and shit, sued the popular website “hotchickswithdouchebags.com” because they happened to be attractive, and have posed for pictures with douchebags, some of which appeared in the Hot Chicks With Douchebags book, which we at AFFotD did not know exist, but now want to read. Being called “Hot Chicks” caused them a lot of distress, and they required psychological treatment. They claim that when they dressed provocatively and went to a club called “Bliss” they were hoping to get into a one night stand with a dude who is suspiciously well informed about what kind of cover-up makeup works best for the corner of your mouth. The last thing they expected was to be called “Hot” and have their parent’s lawyers tell them, “maybe you can sue?” The suit was thrown out, due to the satirical nature of the site, which had AFFotD staff members furiously writing down the word “PRECEDENT” when we heard the news.
o In 1991, a Michigan man named Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for a series of misleading advertisements. After drinking a shitton of Bud Light, he realized that beautiful women in tropical surroundings were not in fact appearing out of nowhere. He sued the beer company for $10,000, but the case was thrown out. We at AFFotD call bullshit- whenever we drink shitloads of beer, we always end up in tropical settings surrounded by beautiful women. Though we suspect that might be due to the fact that we like to slip in faint hallucinogenic materials when we are forced to drink Bud Light, to help us cope with the shitty beer. Still, we call bullshit. That totally happens.
So, that’s just a sampling of cases we found while trying to research a defense against our most recent high profile case- someone found a draft of our “Are You American” quiz in the dumpster out back, took it, and is suing us for emotional distress, because they only scored a 2 on the whole thing. I guess we didn’t help ourselves when we kept responding, “You got a two? Holy shit, most toilet seats are more American than you! Jesus!”
And with that, we must continue to research, because there’s gotta be a loophole besides that whole “murder?” angle that Bruce Willis keeps suggesting.