Tag Archives: tuxedo

AFFotD’s Book Review of “Kill All The Belgians”

“Book review?  Only if it’s extremely negative to other cultures.  It IS?  Sure I’ll give it a shot, then”

~AFFotD Book Reading Guy, Chuck Palahniuk

 

Books are scary.  Look at those assholes up there, just… looking all…rustic and shit.  Since you are reading an America Fun Fact of the Day, we can safely assume that we should explain what books are to you, the semi-literate reader.

“Hey that there tuxedo bird hurt it head, hyuk”

Books are a series of pieces of paper that are usually organized in a way to inform the reader or tell a story.  They are “bound” together using glue or string or magic or whatever shit they use, and the front of a book is usually a “cover” that will have a picture telling you what the book is called, and giving you an idea what it is about.  About half the time the cover has something to do with Fabio.  Popular books include, The Bible, Harry Potter, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho.  Books should be viewed as dangerous, however, as they often will force Americans to read, and greatly increase your risk of paper cuts, which always suck, no matter how much Neosporin you put on them.

IT DOES NOTHING!

That is why we at the AFFotD offices are hesitant to begin our next segment.  While we were perusing the google translate for various Belgium website (as most people do in their spare time when their firewall blocks out porn) when we found a garbled article decrying a book written by an American that paints the Belgians (Belgiums?  Belges?  Gums?) in a particular negative right.  For whatever reason, Belgians had a problem with this book, and were offended by it.  That got our attention.  If an American is pissing off a foreign nation, we’re going to approve of it.  When we found out that it was a children’s book with pictures, we got even more excited, because that meant that at least 60% of our staff would be able to make some sense out of it at least.  And finally, we saw the title…

Yes, that’s right.  Let’s Kill All The Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide.  We had a lengthy argument in the office about if that was the best book title ever, or the best book title ever, eventually settling on a fistfight.  So we figured, coming in at a whopping seven pages, we out to give Danny Wind’s masterpiece a proper review.  So now, here is the first ever AFFotD Book Review (of America!)

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AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 1)

“And the Oscar goes to…”

~William Shakespeare, probably


In 1929, Hollywood held the first, “Hey guys, aren’t we awesome?” party that eventually went on to be known as the “Academy Awards.”  Ever since that point, the Oscars have become a yearly tradition meant to celebrate brilliant films, powerful performances, and weird dresses.  And while the Academy Awards carry with them a lot of prestige and respect within the film circles, there is one little problem with them.  They are not nearly American enough.

Every  year, there are notable Oscar snubs, but worse than the snubs is fact that, throughout the past 82 years, some of the most quintessential American roles have never been recognized by the Academy.  We at AFFotD are here to fix that.  We’re giving out official Oscars to the four American actors who have been repeatedly screwed over (most of them are on staff) by the Academy, and for good measure we’re going to commit copious amounts of assault and rob the awards from other recipients who are not nearly American enough to deserve the honor.

While this isn’t a black-tie event, tuxes are recommended (it really classes up the part where we mercilessly beat other actors).  We’ll wait for you to change.

That’s better.  And now, to name our post-award recipients of Academy Awards.  America style.

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