“Doctor, I have a question. Is it technically possible to, well, live…inside a bottle of liquor? Because if there’s a way, let me know, and I’ll just do that instead.”
Every so often, we at AFFotD imagine that you, our readers, ask aloud something along the lines of, “Hey, whichever AFFotD writer you’ve got on staff today, what is the craziest and most American idea you have ever heard of? Is it a bear-murder fueled cannon that shoots cheeseburgers? Or, like, a sex doll made out of ham? Or do you guys sometimes dream about making a hat that turns you into Robocop? Holy shit, I want all of those things I just mentioned right now.”
Well, to you, we’d say, first of all, back the fuck off, those are our ideas and our legal department is like, 90% certain that the copyright is going through any day now, so if we even hear a WHISPER about someone putting RoboCap out on the market, we will sue your ass. And secondly, uh, what a ridiculous question. Do you even understand how complicated it would be to make a hat that turned you into Robocop? Or how much time our creative department would take to come up with such an amazingly appropriate name for that as RoboCap? Yeah, that shit doesn’t just happen, so no, we never think about those awesomely crazy American ideas.
We do, however, think about BoozeTown.
“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great. Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it). But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness. An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live: Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument. But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News? Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.
First of all…nature? Fuck nature. How many times do we have to say that? Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book. But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner. Do you see what we see? CHINESE!? SPIES! THEY’RE SPIES! When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.
So right off the bat, we have some concerns. Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green. Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America. Why did he throw the word “still” in there? It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer. We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.
“Ha ha! Plausible Deniability!”