“We have to go deeper…*VROOOOM*”
It’s been a while since we’ve taken the time to be topical and relevant for you. Sure, there have been epic articles describing every state in America, or telling you about terrifying educational rap videos from the 1990’s, but we’ve mainly been educating you on the past, as opposed to the present.
That’s not always been the case. We’ve had moments in the past when something was so important we just had to tell you about it, even if the article was so rushed it’s not even worth clicking here to read it (seriously, we missed some opportunities by not having an “Osama is dead” article in the can before that shit went down).
While the days of a monthly news post are gone, that doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally bring relevant discussions of current American issues to the forefront. As you’ve no doubt noticed with Facebook profiles lately, there are potentially monumental changes for the country on the horizon. We would be foolish if we didn’t address them in a calm, straightforward manner, since it is something that will touch the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, and it would be irresponsible to pretend it’s not happening right this moment.
That’s right. Doritos is making a Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Dorito. Yes. Inception finally has an official junk food snack.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious
“Ha! Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it! April Fools’!”
~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)
Enjoy the seizures
The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’. That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos. You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies. Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’! Ha ha!
Is it worth the risk? Probably, that shit’s delicious
So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people). And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full. God, we love this day.
But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers. In fact, we’re here to give you…
The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day: A History
“America runs on trans-fats.”
America hates having to stop eating between meals. If we could have our way, we would spend all day scarfing down a pile of food with our hands tied behind our back like our life is one never ending pie eating contest. But, unfortunately, an American life requires American duties. Some of us have to work, some of us have to go to classes, and some of us have to devote a portion of the day to filming ourselves having aggressive sex with our enemy’s wife in an extremely destructive act of vengeance. The days of fat men being pulled around in a rickshaw by manslaves as their ladyslaves hand feed them hunks of sausage went out of style at the same time as shoulder pads.
Sure, there have been attempts to limit the amount of time between our nation’s pure unadulterated gluttony. Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” to cater to the drunk and stoned Americans. Brunch was brought into the equation as a way to determine which couples you don’t want to spend your Saturday nights around. 24 hour diners helped blur the lines between drunk breakfast and drunk dinner. But, America has always had one weapon in its arsenal against healthy eating habits- snacks. Snack time has been encouraged since our childhood, and with it we have invented portable, cheap food doused in all the calories and fats you could ever dream of.
And of the American snack, one snack in particular emerges as the undisputed king. That of course would be the fried, unhealthy, invented in America snack- the potato chip. Invented in America, the potato chip is small enough to be considered a snack, unhealthy enough to worry health food advocates, and delicious enough to be replicated in numerous countries to afford us all a chance to say, yet again, “Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!”