“I will punch you in the goddamn face if you besmirch Astronaut Ice Cream.”
While Russia may have been the first country to stick their dirty, probably frostbitten, grubby little fingers into the great pool of outer space, but America was the country that blindly cannonballed in there as we made it our bitch. Take that, comrades, how’s never going to the moon feel? Pretty shitty, huh?
While we might only now be finally catching up to the American dream of drinking a beer in space, we realized pretty early on in the game that it was important for us to feed our astronauts. So, of course, Americans have spent decades researching and determining what a select few can eat when they are floating in a tin can far above the world. Yes, this mental energy could have been spent on trivial things like “curing cancer” or “inventing a mayonnaise that won’t make bread soggy if it’s stored overnight” but, nope, we had to feed 500 people over a 50 year period. Damn straight we did! Astronauts get swag, you should know this by now. That’s why we’re here to present…
The American History of Space Food
“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”
Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up. For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.
That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle. But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.
And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea. Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it. And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can. But until then, we humbly present…
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!