“Don’t worry, we’re not going to actually read this. We honestly don’t care.”
~Current residents of California
At this point, there’s not much more we can do to prepare you for this segment. If you’ve been reading from the beginning of the series, you know that we’re going through every state to list their most American quality. If you don’t know we’re doing that, hi there, sort of weird that you found this page after googling “Blake Lively Bestiality Sex Video” and you might want to talk to a professional about that particular fetish, but otherwise you can go back to the beginning of this series by clicking here. Or you can just keep reading as we list the 31st through the 35th state to join this fine Union. Starting with…
“Spicer Breeden! Ain’t got shit! On me!”
~Timothy James McGowan
We get a lot of flak from public interest groups about our relatively “lax” drunk driving standards (we may or may not have installed Breathalyzers in staff members’ cars that won’t let them start up unless they have a BAC higher than .05). We understand that it’s not a particularly popular subject for a lot of people, and we begrudgingly cede the point that our cartoon series, Billy the Buzzed Driver and his Bizarre Adventures, might glamorize drunk driving to children.
Slightly more controversial still would be our “Elmo’ll Getchya Drunk Variety Hour”
So we have to point out, getting drunk and then stepping behind the wheel is dangerous, and can harm or even kill not only yourself, but innocent strangers. That being said, when the worst case scenario doesn’t happen, we think we’re totally within our right to make fun of it in a “Holy shit, how drunk was that driver!?” sort of way.
Which brings us to Timothy James McGowan.
Hey look it’s Kevin Pollak’s younger brother
“No toys in my Happy Meals? Fine. Then I’ll grow up to be a serial puppy murderer. These are the stakes, mom and dad, THESE ARE THE STAKES.”
~Children in San Francisco
Every child growing up after 1979, and every parents of a child after 1979, has an appreciation for the McDonald’s toy-food combination known as The Happy Meal. For the children, it’s the 10 cents worth of cheap plastic that they will be incredibly excited about until they get home and promptly put it in the microwave because “That bitch Ursula is gonna get what’s coming to her.” And Happy Meals afford parents brief moments where they can finally eat one goddamn meal in peace without the child screaming like a banshee, you shouldn’t have done that kegstand while you were pregnant with him, honey. It combines two of the best American traits- rampant, imitable consumerism, and incredible obesity. So you can advertise your latest aimed-at-kids blockbuster film, while helping them scarf down half their daily fat intake in one meal. It’s great! We love Happy Meals because it plumps up our kids, which, let’s be honest, makes them less energetic and a lot easier to deal with.
Plus, Americans become 8% funnier for every 10 pounds they gain.
So today, AFFotD is going to discuss the history of the Happy Meal, as well as the terrifying real assault if faces today by the politically minded Chinese sleeper agents in our ranks.
Watch your ass, Mike Adams.