“Goddamn it, no, we’re not putting the Puppy Bowl on the other television, stop asking.”
~American Super Bowl Party Hosts
Over the years, the Super Bowl has gone from a half-assed sporting event where shit like “a team has to re-do their kickoff because the cameras missed it” happened to national event of such great importance that not even an appearance by the Black Eyed Peas can stop people from tuning in. The Super Bowl is an American holiday, Monday hangovers be damned.
Yes, the Super Bowl is like New Year’s Eve’s older, cooler brother that smokes cloves out in the high school parking lot. New Year’s Eve carries impossible expectations, expensive drink specials, and a surprising lack of giant men concussing each other. The Super Bowl takes all the best parts of New Years (booze, shitload of parties), throws in a lot more unhealthy food (can we get a what what for 7-layered bean dip?), and centers it around a football game that is so brilliantly produced that even people who hate sports will come to your party to “watch commercials” (which is code word for “get drunk and get hit on by your roommate’s friends”).
Now, because this day is so important in setting the tone for the month of February, and the year as a whole, it is your personal duty as the American with the largest HD TV among your friends to host a viewing party so grand that it would cause a Frenchman to shame-spiral into watching Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette on repeat while sobbing into a bottle of anti-freeze. And that’s where we are here to help, by presenting you with…
America Fun Fact of the Day’s Guide to American Super Bowl Parties