“They melt in your heart, not in your OH MOTHER OF GOD SOMETHING HAS GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.”
~Rejected M&M slogan
In 1941, Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder Frank C. Mars, patented a process for tempering a hard shell of chocolate around chocolate pellets in order to prevent the candies from melting. Production immediately began under the name M&M Limited (named for Mars and Bruce Murrie, the son of the president of Hershey’s chocolate with a 20% stake in the product), with an agreement to only use Hershey chocolate. These button-shaped candies exploded in popularity during the second World War due to their durability, and the shells were given bright colors such as yellow, green, red, and violet to go along with standard brown-colored shells. And with that, an American institution was created.
These “m” printed candies are now sold in over 100 countries, but remain the most popular to-go chocolate snack for Americans everywhere. The simple elegance of the coated milk chocolate delivers a burst of flavor with each individual candy, and just thinking about M&Ms while reading this article has you saying, “Goddamn it, I really want a bag of M&M’s right now.” And you should.
Throughout the years we’ve been sampling the best of America, we’ve learned through painful, gut-wrenching trial and error, that sometimes the best American ideas are cruelly marred by our at-times overzealous imaginations. Yes, the same good intentions and terrible execution that gave us Watermelon Oreos has befallen the perfection that is the M&M candy. And, as is our sworn duty, we are here to let you know that these mistakes exist, because it’s only when we see those we care about at their ugliest that we can truly learn to love their beauty. Or we just like telling you about terrifying candies. However you want to look at it.
M&M’s Grossest Flavors of All Time
“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering. Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli. China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it. French food can go to hell. You hear us, France? YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!
Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England. Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting. We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey. Gross.
That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people. We’ll say that again. They are saying that American food is weird.
You know what this means, America. Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.
15 Foods That Are NOT Weird
Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food. And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.
Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.
As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease. AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as: One vegetable is too much). And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”
To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.