“Get you drunk, get your lady drunk, set some shit on fire, I can do it all.”
This might come as a surprise to some of you, but America likes to get itself drunk. But while shots of whiskey with beer chasers is a tried and true method for shouting at your liver, “who’s responsible for the removal of toxins from my system now, huh jerk?” it can get old after a while. That’s why Americans have made it a point to master the art of mixing liquor with different liquors to make delicious (and high octane) cocktails that can be enjoyed by men, women, and people who enjoy giggling at the word “cock”. Cocktails (tee hee) are incredibly American, and every time someone in a bowler cap orders a Manhattan in a dimly lit bar, the nearest woman in the area becomes instantaneously impregnated. This is science, and there’s no way to stop it.
We’re just saying, Jon Hamm is responsible for more accidental impregnations than the NBA.
So while most Americans appreciate the existence of a good, well-crafted cocktail, surprisingly few are aware of Jerry Thomas, the father of American mixology. And that’s a damn shame, because Americans unknowingly give this man tribute every day, be they ordering an oversized margarita to a woman they just met, or be they ordering a sidecar from a clearly pissed off bartender at a wedding’s open bar. All of these couldn’t be possible without the contributions of this portly man whose most famous drink involved arcs of blue fire.
Basically, Jerry Thomas is gonna get you drunk. You’re welcome.
He may also disfigure you horribly in the process of doing so.