“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s! THEY’LL FIND US!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment. Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls. Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.
Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever. And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations. Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture. As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…
Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s
~An American Stoner in Japan
Japan is terrifying. We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Japan is terrifying. Japan is like that one friend you have that goes out of his way to say things that will gross everyone out, only that friend is really good at it, and he does a lot of stuff with poop. We’ll admit that Japan admires American culture, in the sense that they see our products like Pepsi and Kit Kats and decide to just get weird with them.
AFFotD has made it a point to keep you, the public, informed of such terrifying food antics by the nation of Japan, which is why we’re here to continue our look inside Japanese junk food with…
Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Doritos
“Pizza Hut: Taste The Rainbow!”
~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans
Pizza chains are a staple of American society. They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious. And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.
Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza. As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes. While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most. Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.
It’s always Japan.
The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World
“Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that… OH WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN!?”
Apart from the Chinese inventing fireworks and Arabs inventing all those boring “math” “innovations” like “the number 0,” America is responsible for inventing everything great that we have in the world. The light bulb, the internet, the George Foreman Grill, all of these essential and life-changing products were conceived and birthed here in the U S of A. Unfortunately, as soon as a product has been invented, anyone is free to tinker with it, and often in trying to improve an idea, they poison it.
Yes, we’re talking about Japan.
Specifically, it is Japan’s bastardization of American culinary treats that is both mind boggling, and terrifying. It must be stopped. So, we are beginning a new feature, discussing Japan’s terrifying alteration of American products, with…
Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Kit Kat Bar
If America and Japan were listed in a relationship on facebook (and if they were 15 years old) it would absolutely say “It’s Complicated.” Japan not only attacked Pearl Harbor, they did so in a way to inspire Michael Bay to make a movie about it, while America got back at them by dropping two atomic bombs on them. But despite the animosities of the past, Japan has always had a vested interest in Western Culture, and in many ways has tried to emulate and mimic the practices of European and American cultures.
Unfortunately, this is the origin of the phrase, “Goddamn it Japan, you’re doing it wrong!” When the West started brutally Imperializing other countries, Japan took it to uncomfortable levels by trying to make the Korean language illegal. When the West started making warplanes, Japan decided to turn them into suicidal fireballs. When Japan noticed that the West has rounder eyes, they started mutilating themselves to look less Asian.
Thankfully, there’s always been a cultural gap between America and Japan. While we spend our time trying to find ways to replace bread with fried chicken in sandwich preparation, Japan tries to make steak out of fecal matter. While we invented the Internet, Japan invented roughly 60% of the creepier porn that goes on it.
However, we at AFFotD have just discovered that Japan might be gearing up for a cultural war with America by doing what America does best without adding tentacles. It’s a terrifying time for all of us. These are the stakes.
CULTURE WAR: Burger King in Japan Tries To Out-America America
“I’m not even surprised at this point. Just sad.”
The Women’s World Cup is the biggest thing to happen to Soccer’s popularity in America since the Men’s World Cup last year that you had totally forgotten about until we just mentioned it here. And as a result, we’ve been using it as a good opportunity to tranquilize the coffee of our investigative journalist, [REDACTED], and force him to live-blog some soccer games. He doesn’t know anything about soccer (because, you know, America) and as much as he likes rooting for America and rooting against countries who we have fought against in wars (looking at you, Japan), he still really hates this whole gig.
And we like making sure he knows his damn place, so he was at hand to blog about the Women’s World Cup Championship match between America and Japan. By the time he came to in the utility closet we stuck him in, we heard a lot of loud wailing, which was replaced by some whimpering and keyboard taps about five minutes into the game. We printed up the following, taped it to a brick, and chucked it through Johnny Roosevelt’s window, so without further adieu, here is [REDACTED]‘s liquor-fueled description of the game.
“Goddamn it Japan, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”
~America Fun Fact of the Day
Every once in a while, the man who we hired to read news stories out loud to us (because…reading? Eww) comes across something shocking, disturbing, and downright terrifying. We don’t know what these stories are going to be, but we have expectations for worst case scenarios. For example, there could be a report about state banning liquor. Maybe an article about people turning poop into beef. Or, God forbid, a story about parasites live in potato chips and cause your face to melt.
Of course, we never run into anything like…wait. What?
Oh God no, no nooooooooo.
Don’t make us do it… Don’t make us make this…
AFFotD’s News Item of the Month
“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”
The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America. When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés. Early bird gets the worm. Whatever.
And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society. Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth. For every FDR, there’s a Snookie. For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years. To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.
As we’ve been saying all week, vigilantism has been used both for good and evil throughout American History. We’ve of course been focusing on the positives, like actual superheroes and people messing with bigots, but now we’re delving into territory that some might disagree with. So, we will have a disclaimer- we are about to describe events that occurred in real life, and led to someone’s death. We do not condone this course of action, and urge all of you to behave responsibly and within the law when met with similar extreme circumstances. Wink.
Do not try this totally badass thing at home
So with that in mind we’re going to bring to you, in the final chapter of AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome…
Ken McElroy Died in a Way to Ensure He’d Be Forever Enshrined as a Douchebag