“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”
We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise. And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves. But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day? Is it? No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands. Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words. Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.
“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible. We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth. There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”
To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners. We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.
And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really. When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in. Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.
But first, you have do so much looting. That’s why we’re here to present you with.
The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine? Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American. Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers? Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas. Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write? The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again. But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.” They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath. Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner. It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die. This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently! Fuuuuuuuuuck!
THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article. A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA! THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.” And may God have mercy on their souls.