“Okay, okay, cool it with the fried foods, my…my chest, my chest hurts, it really hurts…”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We’ve made it a habit to go out of our way to tell you about fried foods that most people would consider “impossible” or “an abomination” or “as a professional cardiologist, I think it is criminally irresponsible for you to be consuming this much fried food.” That’s because as soon as we tell you about a new, insane fried food (fried beer, anyone?) some glorious American decides to fry something even more insane (like, say, a frozen margarita).
This is called capitalism (also obesity) and it is the reason why this country is great. It’s with that spirit in mind that we present to you even more American glory, with…
America’s Fried Foods: Part 6
Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America. So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.” And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.
So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…
SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937
And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”
“I demand to see men force foods down their stomach at dizzying speeds.”
~Marlon Brando (you know, after he sorta started ballooning up)
America has a fascination with overeating. Each day, we hear phrases that invoke our gastronomical upbringings, like “Put your money where your mouth is” “Stuff ‘em like a turkey” or “That sex was almost as good as eating a crate of pudding cups. Almost.”
Yes, Americans love to eat. Maybe it’s because our most fattening foods happen to be the cheapest and most delicious. Maybe it’s because humans evolved with food scarcity, and fat storage was once a sign of survival, which became conflated as a sign of affluence in impoverished nations where obesity is considered an outward indicator of success. Or maybe it’s shut the fuck up and eat, this is America dammit, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEE, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEEE.
So we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have grabbed our bibs, and our glasses of water for dunking, and are here to salute those proud Americans who make a living as Professional Competitive Eaters.
Haha, it says Shaggy Rodgers and Scooby Doo at the bottom. Well done, internet vigilantes.
“Who else is ready for Memorial Day weekend? Alright, just do one of those lazy ‘This Day in American History’ things.”
~AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
As we prepare for our hyper-American Memorial Day barbeque, where we basically replace charcoal with Bacardi 151 while swapping out hamburgers and hog dogs with…well, just larger version of hot dogs and hamburgers because you can’t get much more American than grilled hamburger and hot dogs, we like to take quiet reflection on this day that has, in the past, been a Memorial Day in its own right (maybe).
Anyway, we are just going to ramble off some things that happened today, okay?
Today’s American day in American history
“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great. Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it). But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness. An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live: Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument. But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News? Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.
First of all…nature? Fuck nature. How many times do we have to say that? Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book. But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner. Do you see what we see? CHINESE!? SPIES! THEY’RE SPIES! When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.
So right off the bat, we have some concerns. Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green. Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America. Why did he throw the word “still” in there? It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer. We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.
“Ha ha! Plausible Deniability!”
“No, anything but this assignment. ANYTHING BUT THIS ASSIGNMENT!”
As journalists, we take our duty to the public very seriously. This nation has over 300 million residents, and not all of them understand the American nature of chugging a beer after dropping a hot dog into it (we call it dog bombing, and it requires a relaxed esophagus and a particular blindness to shame.) So sometimes, we have to rub elbows with those that operate outside our rules. Those that shun hot dogs, hamburgers, steak even. To really get inside the heads of those that spurn these things that are so inherently American, we needed to do a little investigative journalism. Much like Nellie Bly risked torture to uncover the evils of the mental health system in the 1800′s, Gunter Wallraff spent two years to uncover the human rights violation against immigrants in Germany, and Larry David smuggled himself onto the set of Hannah Montana to discover Billy Ray Cyrus’ evil sex dungeon, our investigators were required to go above and beyond the call of duty.
That’s right. We sent someone into the Dragon’s Lair. We sent someone…to a vegan restaurant.
Truly…the thing of our nightmares
And now, for the shocking truth behind a restaurant that dares not to serve meat…eggs…or cheese, here is the report from our Undercover reporter, whose name has been redacted so that his family would not leave him upon discovering he had consumed food that never took advantage of an animal at any point in it’s preparation. Here is his shocking tale.
“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine? Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American. Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers? Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas. Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write? The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again. But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.” They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath. Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner. It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die. This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently! Fuuuuuuuuuck!
THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article. A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA! THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.” And may God have mercy on their souls.